What about those of us who are more socially undeveloped?

[cloze deleted]

Cliff notes: I had been suffering from severe anxiety and depression since I was little, and I missed out on most chances of gaining much social experience. I'm now almost 21 years old ( with low to moderate anxiety :rockon: ) and I'm ****ing tired of always being alone.

How do I gain a social life when I've never had a semblance of a life. I've done all the little things people say like join clubs at my community college and trying to be more friendly and social-able but I'm still stuck by myself.

What do I do, or rather, what would you do in my situation?

 

[Strelok]

First of all try to solve any personal issue wheter is self-esteem or else.

Improve you body shape and at the same time you will see how your mental status will improve accordingly,trust me life is better when the first thing you see in the mirror at morning is your six-pack instead of a soft belly.
It proves to yourself that you had the discipline to get it as much as it proves that you are more desiderable from others (you will get credit from guy friends too).

Trying to be more social it's fine but first you have to establish a base,your base to do what you want to do.
No need to tell you wash regularly,dress well and avoid anything that would annoy other people like bad smell or complaining attitude.

 

[SandHawk]

You accept that you're socially undeveloped instead of screaming that the world doesn't understand you. I've been where you are now, realizing it was me, not the rest of the world that got it wrong.

You did, now it's time that you develop real skills. Joining a social community doesn't help, if you lack the proper skills/tools/mindset to actually make it work. Instead of being all talkative, you end up being a social outcast again.

What I did, is find articles on social interaction, human group behavior, person to person interaction and read them. Work out why people do certain things and start to mimic them, try them out. Don't start out with PUA material, because most of the PUA material is bullsh*t. I'm not going to deny that many of the tricks actually work, but their explanation is nonsense.

Why does kino work? Because it releases oxytocine, a neurotransmitter that bonds people, make them happy and encourages them to be touchy as well. In mothers and babies, this makes sure they bond properly. Why does negging work? Because if you do it properly in a playful, teasing way, it comes off as flirting and everyone likes flirting that way. Not because you DHV, or lower her values or whatever. No, you're just that funny guy.

Parallel to that, I developed a lot of silly tricks to boost my internal morale, grow some self-esteem. First of all, I imagined that was a piece of string attached to the crown of my head. This string pulled my head up, forcing me to look at people's faces while I was walking on the street. At first, I had major problems with this, as my neck muscles were underdeveloped, and it took a lot of effort and pained me. But I persisted, and eventually, I learned how to stride the streets with dignity, look at people and being confident. People stopped bumping into me and actually noticed me and stepped out of my way. Mind you, this wasn't something instant, it took me months to get to that level.

Another trick I used was winking to my self everytime I saw myself. Silly? Yes, but it reminded me to tell myself that I wasn't such a loser as I always told myself. It made me re-affirm to myself, "You're a great guy, you'll get there!". This helped me grow some real self-esteem over the months that followed, and I used this trick for well over 9 months. And noone ever noticed. Just a wink everytime you see yourself in a mirror, shop window or whatever.

I'll continue this later on, I need to run.

 

[cloze deleted]

First of all try to solve any personal issue wheter is self-esteem or else.

I've been working on that for the past couple of months. I can honestly say I have the most self esteem now than I've ever had in my entire life.

Improve you body shape and at the same time you will see how your mental status will improve accordingly,trust me life is better when the first thing you see in the mirror at morning is your six-pack instead of a soft belly.
It proves to yourself that you had the discipline to get it as much as it proves that you are more desiderable from others (you will get credit from guy friends too).

That's a bit of a ways off. I'm "significantly" over weight but I've been starting a weight-loss program and recently loss about 10 lbs.

Trying to be more social it's fine but first you have to establish a base,your base to do what you want to do.

I don't understand what you mean by base. My base is pretty simple: not to be a lonely AFC.

 

[Kerpal]

Can you transfer to a real school? Community colleges suck in terms of having a social life, I know from experience.

 

[LondresCarioca]

I can't offer personal experience because I've never been in your situation. The one thing I would advise you to do is to go on Amazon & purchase Dale Carnegie's 'How To Win Friends & Influence People'. It was written in the 30's & still as relevant today as it was then. You may roll your eyes at the suggestion of a book but it's seriously one of the most important books that everyone should read. Read it over & over, ten or twenty times until it sticks, it's not that big but I guarantee it will really help you. Good luck.

 

[cloze deleted]

Can you transfer to a real school? Community colleges suck in terms of having a social life, I know from experience.

I'll be transferring to a real school (in a big city) by the fall. But I'd still rather gain some experience before I go.

 

[Atom Smasher]

The simplest and most efficient way to overcome being socially under-developed is to make small-talk in your day to day life.

Start off slowly so as not to be overwhelmed. Just ask people how they're doing, make small comments about situational things (weather, whatever's going on around you). Talk to both men and women.

Just make it a fun game, and make that mental shift to genuinely care about the well-being of the person you're chatting with. Soon, you'll see that social anxiety start to melt away and you'll feel much more comfortable socializing.

 

[snowdog]

I got out of that.

Took me 3 years.

You can do it too.

 

[SandHawk]

The simplest and most efficient way to overcome being socially under-developed is to make small-talk in your day to day life.

Start off slowly so as not to be overwhelmed. Just ask people how they're doing, make small comments about situational things (weather, whatever's going on around you). Talk to both men and women.

Just make it a fun game, and make that mental shift to genuinely care about the well-being of the person you're chatting with. Soon, you'll see that social anxiety start to melt away and you'll feel much more comfortable socializing.

That was actually part 2 of my post that I was going to make. Just say hi to people, ask how they're doing, do some small talk, and keep doing it. It's hard to look at someone and say hi. Because esp. when you have social anxiety, you might be scared that they'll ignore you. But what if they do? Would it hurt you? Also think: Would you ever respond like that to another human? No, of course you wouldn't. Therefore, 99.9% of the people will respond either normally or ignore you.

If you really find it difficult to keep up with this, start attending bingo events with elderly people. It might be boring, but they're a sure way to kickstart it all, because they LOVE young people like us, and they have so many stories to tell. Just get into a habit of talking to people and have them TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES. Go read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. Old book, but still relevant as hell and the tips he provides are awesome.

 

[Atom Smasher]

+1, Sandhawk.

That's a great idea about bingo. It could be a very non-threatening way for a younger person to get used to socializing, because those older folks carry the momentum all by themselves. ALl one has to do is be polite and listen. Once that feels comfortable, he can start asking them questions, especially about the "old days".

Edit: Looks like I've been sending too much love your way, Sandhawk as the site won't let me rep you. I tried.

 

[SandHawk]

Edit: Looks like I've been sending too much love your way, Sandhawk as the site won't let me rep you. I tried.

Thanks brother. I'm not here for the reputation, I'm here to spread mannarchism! It's time that the boys grow up and become men, that's all that matters .

 

[Maxtro]

What's the next step after small talk?

I've been way socially underdeveloped most of my life.

I'm more outgoing than I used to be but my social life still is a joke. I'm starting to get a lot of acquaintances but still no friends.

 

[SandHawk]

What's the next step after small talk?

I've been way socially underdeveloped most of my life.

I'm more outgoing than I used to be but my social life still is a joke. I'm starting to get a lot of acquaintances but still no friends.

What comes after small talk? After small talk you progress into conversations that are more in depth, discussing your view on life, people and other fun subjects. I discuss a lot of philosophy with my friends. Conversations deepen and that's where friendships are slowly formed. People will discover you're fun to hang out with and from there on progress into friendship or love.

 

[cloze deleted]

What comes after small talk? After small talk you progress into conversations that are more in depth, discussing your view on life, people and other fun subjects. I discuss a lot of philosophy with my friends. Conversations deepen and that's where friendships are slowly formed. People will discover you're fun to hang out with and from there on progress into friendship or love.

I think the question was more like how do you get to the point beyond idol chitchat. I understand that friendships develop slowly but how do you make them when you only see the same potential friends a few times a week.