what about this thinking?

[lordson]

theres too much here to read.

how long have you been together, is this a STR or a LTR for you?

but from your original post this situation is alot like my relationship at the start

you have to strike a blance, between not caring, and playing it cool and making her want to see you and miss you

between that and actually going to see her and giving her a good time in your ocmpany

its push and pull. you distance yourlself a little so she misses you, then when she doesn. you "Pull some strings" at work or school or whatever to go see her. and some days you may see her alot, then take a few days off to make her want you again. keep it vaired a bit, dont just routine it

and the ex is nothing. theres a reason they broke up togehter in the first plac,e and theres a reason why shes with you now. its exaclty ilke that with me and my gf at the start too. she used to go out with ther gourp o friend, whom the ex is a part of, and i played it cool and she was like "you're the best bf ever"

done let her see it bothers you, because she knows that she has the power of bother you, and will threaten, or go running to the ex, when she wants to get under your skin

it appears you are delving into the world of a LTR. if this be the case, you need to play the good boyfriend, she will appreciate it more. show her that you want to see her too and all that boyfriend stuff. do it the way you do it, be yourself.

dont play the DJ/Player in an LTR. to an extenet yes, with the push pull thing i metnioned

hey it worked for me. i kept the interest in my relationship, BUT also showed the tender loving boyfriend side. once it gets to the point of seroius relationship, you can ease off on the DJ tactics and the game a bit, this is where you start settling down, and finding out for sure if you two will make it in the long run.

all relationship dynamics are very similiar, and this is how it is with mine. been with my gf for 3 years

don't overthink, your gf is definlatey not ovehtinking, shes not in her secret lair shceming and saying to herself "how can i make sosilky's life harder".

 

[LeftyLoosey]

I'll admit that I didn't initially have an answer to the question in the first post, as I also found myself asking the same sort of question... to myself.

But the advice given here rings true... you just can't force someone to be interested in you. A person will be interested in you because you're an interesting person.

You should not have to make up stories about being busy when you actually aren't. You should be busy because you actually have plans because you're an interesting person.

If your girlfriend is going out with some of her friends, one of whom is her ex, she will not cheat on you if you are more interesting than him.

If her ex has more to offer, she'll go back to him and there's nothing you can do about it, so there's no point in thinking about it.

Be the best person you can be and she will choose. This does not mean turn yourself into someone that you aren't, it means pursuing a line of self-improvement that you enjoy. Become that person that you want to be, not the one you think someone else wants you to be. Once you are this person if your girlfriend still runs to her ex, she wasn't mean to be the one for you, but there are hundreds of other women out there who will appreciate who you are, and frankly, you'll have so much self-confidence you won't care about the women who disagree with what you've become because you'll know in your heart that they're missing out.

I'm married. If tomorrow my wife said to me she was going to meet her ex for coffee, I would tell her to say hi for me. This is not a test!! What this means is the test took place months ago and I already failed it. I have FAILED to earn her interest and respect because she no longer sees me as valuable. I am nuts about my wife and I would NEVER tell her "honey I'm going to meet my ex for coffee" because I value my relationship too much to disrespect her.

 

[sosilky]

$

that makes sense lefty surprised your not a master. But expecting her noot to hang with her ex would be expecting her not to hang with her friends wouldn't it? any other coments?

 

[ready123]

I agree with Lefty for the most part. Don't fake it. try to understand where this advice came from and how it applies to relationships. then genuinely adopt the core mindset that comes with it. but don't try to apply it consciously on a situational basis

all the don't give too much attention advice is geared toward the type of guy that is TOO needy. it's the guy that telegraphs to the girl that she's on a pedestal and he's lower value than her. if that's the case, a guy can kill the needy vibe by holding back. if that's you, then it'll work

when it comes to relationships - the way I look at things currently, maybe I'm wrong but I don't know - most LTR's phase out in the later years when both people start to take each other for granted. In one of the other threads one of the posters dropped a gem when he said, the only fear you should be instilling in her is the fear of you walking away. In LTR's this translates to her not taking you for granted. now if you telegraph neediness, you're obviously not doing that

I let my girlfriend do whatever she wants - it's a matter of trust and I'd rather have the trust there than control. Without trust there's no shared reality, and what's the point of a LTR without a shared reality? at the same time, my lack of neediness subcommunicates that if she fvcks up, I'm gone

 

[sosilky]

$

Well said ready you guys are helping now. I think I just needed a differnt perspective. keep the pearls coming

 

[LeftyLoosey]

that makes sense lefty surprised your not a master. But expecting her noot to hang with her ex would be expecting her not to hang with her friends wouldn't it? any other coments?

What you have to realize here is that it doesn't matter what the reason is. She'll do what she wants to do, so don't even think about it.

If she cheats on you, then you can kick her to the curb. Until you have evidence of this happening, again, don't worry about it.

 

[WC2]

Overthink much?

Women are hard to understand. Duh.. we all know this. There's a few things we understand, but even the best DJs can't read every woman's mind.

Now, instead of thinking about it so much, why not just go about your life and learn through trial and error? Sure, it's good to pickup tips here and there, but you learn your real lessons the hard way.

Analyzing how a woman is thinking, or debating whether to give her a lot of attention is not something you should be wasting your time on. You can only play these attention games with a woman for so long before reality sets in. Women don't look for men who know how to curb their attention; they look for men who don't need attention because they have their own goals and their own expectations on life.

You can keep yourself from showing attention to a woman for so long, but why not naturally find your own passions, and place women second to this? It's not only healthier, it's also better for any relationship. You can only be a PUA for so long before you come to the tough realization that your major goal is women and nothing more. Don't fall into the trap.

 

[WC2]

If your girlfriend is going out with some of her friends, one of whom is her ex, she will not cheat on you if you are more interesting than him.

Sorry, I really didn't want to make a big deal out of the post, but I whole-heartedly disagree with that statement. Being interesting and being a man of your own are two different things.

Some of the most interesting people in the world are not their own man and are not always confident in themselves.

I've actually seen the entire opposite.. friends of mine who are interesting people have their GFs banged out by guys who are droning idiots! What do these men have? They have looks, confidence, and an attitude that says I don't care what others think. Now I'm not saying to go out there and change yourself into a badass over night, but don't think that all women are turned on by that whole "oh you're very interesting you have a lot of hobbies" BS.. a lot of women just want to feel like they are at the top of the totem pole with a man who no one wants to screw with. It's sad, but it is sometimes the reality.

With all this said, sweating your GF going out with her ex and friends will do nothing but complicate the situation. Your only option is to see how it plays out, and bring your value up.

 

[sosilky]

Ok

OK how about this? : http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=142259

 

[azanon]

OK so I get it now don't show them attention to much. here's where i get messed up though. sometimes a couple months into the relationship I start to focus more on her. Now lets say she wants me to come over and I'm like well I'm busy. and maybe I really am. Or maybe shes like I'm going out with my friends and her ex boyfriend is going to be there. Well if I'm not an insecure guy I'm supposed to not care right? Say "go have a good time".

Here's my problem, when she says come over and I don't I figure maybe she'll think I don't want to be with her or i'm with other chicks and so she'll think maybe i'll go hang with another guy.

Or maybe if she goes out with her friends and her ex is there that she has gone back to in the past and i act like i don't care, i think maybe she will think well he doesn't care what i do, so i'll go hook up with my ex.

Please try to make me understand better.

You have some good advise already, but I'll just answer it myself since you asked and I'm sure i'll reiterate things already said:

If she calls and wants you to come over, and you genuinely want to do that.... then go over. There should be other times that she calls that you are genuinely busy. If your life is balanced and furthering your growth, then a good chuck of your time should already be taken up by things like a job (or school), recreational activities/exercise, events, perhaps volunteer work?, social gatherings events, etc. My point is, if you have to fake being busy to appear as if you have a life, so to speak, then you have a much bigger problem. If you don't have a life, then you need to get one so you don't have to fake being busy from time to time. IMO, DJ's don't play games. A real DJ is above them.

Re: her being out with friends. A DJ is a confident man, so you never act concerned about when she goes out and who's going to be there. If her behavior relative to whatever stage of a relationship you're having with her is such that the behavior is clearly disrespectful in some way, then its ok to state very clearly what you don't want to happen anymore. But what's important is don't do it out of jealously or insecurity, do it simply because you are (or should be) the kind of person that never negotiates respect. In other words, with me, I insist on respect or you're out. I don't negotiate that. Quite literally, I convey that truth about me without even speaking a word. You need to learn to do that if you don't already.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

Sorry, I really didn't want to make a big deal out of the post, but I whole-heartedly disagree with that statement. Being interesting and being a man of your own are two different things.

Some of the most interesting people in the world are not their own man and are not always confident in themselves.

I should clarify. I meant "interesting" in the sense that you create an "interest level," not in the sense of having hobbies and what not.

You create an interest level by being a DJ. A DJ is "interesting."

I think we're saying the same thing.

 

[sosilky]

I insist on respect or you're out. don't negotiate that. Quite literally, I convey that truth about me without even speaking a word. You need to learn to do that if you don't already.

It seems that allot of people here think i'm faking being busy. far from it. maybe i used a poor choice of words. my problem is i contemplate putting her before comitments.


anywyas how do i convey demanding respect when shes out without saying a word?