We've got 2 weeks - need advice

[Jetsoc]

[Posted this in 2 sections intentionally]

Hey all, first time posting here. Cool board! And, apologies for the length of this -it kinda got out of control as my mind started to ramble.

Anyway, I'll get right to it. I met someone online over 2 years ago. We became friends and over time, very good friends. I have expressed interest in pursuing a deeper relationship with her and a little over a year ago, asked her out and she said yes. Online date but still. We both had a great time, ordered pizza together. ) We've gone out many many times now and we have such a good time, every time. We listen to music, play games, talk about everything and make each other laugh to the point of tears! ) We flirt too, especially lately. Note, sometimes I wonder if she's sincerely flirting or if it's just because online is, "safe." Anyway...

So, in just under 3 weeks, we are going to meet in person. We had talked before about meeting but she wasn't ready. This past summer we talked again and we both decided it was time. So I'm flying 5,000+ miles to spend 2 weeks on vacation with her. We're both excited, though she's also nervous which I actually find REALLY cute.

Anyway, here's the thing: all the time we've been dating online, she's seen me as a friend. More than a, "normal friend" as she said but, still a friend. She even said that we have something special, something people who are together a lifetime don't have. I feel the same way. So the other night we were talking and she again said that she still sees me as a friend. Now, I know that guys are more visual... which is why my feelings are ahead of hers. I'm seriously attracted to this girl! Not just her looks but, her heart too. It's so... well to be honest, it's sweet. I've dated girls, even was married. But no one has ever touched me, touched my heart the way she has. And that's why only for her, I'm willing to take this plunge, fly halfway around the world, to be with her... to see if there could be something.

Of course, girls are more about feelings and how a guy makes her feel, which is likely why she still sees me as a friend. I really believe that once we're together in person, that's gonna change. We have built a solid foundation and have such rapport. Think it's just a matter of that extra nudge over the top. But, I want to leave nothing to chance. Of course I realize that there's no magic formula that can, "make" someone fall for you. It's just... we have only 2 weeks and, I want to prepare as best I can because if there's nothing... it's over. My heart is already too involved and, I can't leave her after 2 weeks not knowing exactly where we stand. And if there's nothing and I head home never to speak with her again, I need to know I gave it my best effort.

So guess what I'm looking for is ANY advice whatsoever. I should point out too that I'm in my early 40's and she's in her 20's. That and the distance are the two biggest factors working against us and might be in her head... keeping her from fully opening her heart to me. Could be she's keeping me at arms length as a friend because she's afraid she might fall for me and doesn't know how we would handle those two obstacles. Or maybe she simply doesn't see me that way, in which case my job remains the same - help show myself to her as boyfriend material, not as a guy but, THE guy she's been missing in her life. Now, how to go about that... within the space of 2 weeks. That's what I'm asking here.

Right now, I'm a bit freaked out. Okay, that's a little much - more like, on edge. I know I'm putting pressure on myself and I want to take the time left before I leave to work all that out so I can walk up to her with confidence, not with a 2 week deadline, have I got everything right type of mood. Lol!!!

Not tooting the horn here but, I really am everything she wants in a guy. Lol!!! When we first went from text chat online to video, she said, "You're super nice!" And once when I just came out and asked her (around when she was giving me the, "I see you as a friend" thing), "What do you like in a guy?" She started to rattle off stuff and then said, "Well, like you!" )) So I know we could potentially be right on the brink. Either the age/distance is in her head too much or, it's because we need to be together in person that's holding her back, not sure. I'm thinking it's one or the other.

One other thing, I'm not a cologne wearer but as I said I want to cover all my bases here so, been looking into something. Also pheromone sprays as a little accent. Been considering the following: Fahrenheit by Dior for straight scent and Scent of Eros or Alpha7 for pheromone cologne, maybe pair an unscented one with Fahrenheit. Again not as a magic potion but, something to help engage all her senses, as up until now, we've only really been exchanging information via chat. In person, it's all about feelings and I want to be sure the messages I'm sending are all good.

So, thanks guys, for anything you have to offer.

 

[Retro74]

Be careful. From what you have said you are way more into her than she is you. Keep an open mind.

You are flying over 5000 miles to meet her.. is she from a developing country?

There could be big cultural differences between the two of you. In Asia, the more traditional women will not declare their love for you until the man does first. Also when they kiss they might sniff you all over.. this happened to me last year,, I was thinking WTF are you doing. When she left the room I looked this strange behaviour up on the internet. Fellow travellers and local men had told me not to bother with the traditional girls unless you were serious about them as you would not easily get any s£x from them. I did not find this to be true once enough time had been spent with them.

I have recently returned from a trip to the SE Asia to meet a girl I met online. We had been talking for a few months and one day I said **** it, I am going to fly there and see how it goes. We had a great time, we are very compatible, a good match and I believe she is in love with me. However, my feelings for her are not as strong and I have let her go... we are still in contact albeit not as much; my relationship status is now 'single'. She has gone AFC on me, quite needy and it's very off putting. I have displayed this behaviour in the past and now I am receiving it back I can see how unattractive it is. I was disappointed when I got home as I had expected to go out there, spend quality time then come back and make plans to bring her back over.... it hasn't quite worked out like that... being burned in the past and the excellent knowledge on this forum are making it harder for me to commit.

Every case is different and I hope all goes well for you, but keep your eyes open and don't be blinded by things. I would travel again for the right person but would prefer to travel first, then find one in the field rather then meeting online first. I fell in love with one I met out there last year, she was interested but I strongly suspect another westerner had got there first and she has now moved abroad. I didn't go AFC on her, cut all contact once I realised it was going nowhere and have moved on.

Good Luck.

 

[Jetsoc]

Thanks for that, dude. And you're right, I'm a bit ahead of her in how I feel for her but, try to play it down and not be obvious.

She's from Romania, Bucuresți to be specific. I wouldn't say it's a developing country as much as a recovering country. I got into the history some just to understand the culture, customs, etiquette, etc. Also learning some of the language. If nothing else, it makes her laugh when I try to speak it with my obvious accent. ) She keeps telling me not to worry about it. She speaks EXCELLENT English. But still, I know she thinks it's cute that I'm trying. That's gotta be worth a few points, eh? Lol!!! But really, to learn the language, for me anyway, helps to better understand people - their thinking, etc.

Thanks for the eyes open comment too. As far as the right person? I've met others online - not intentionally for dating but, met them here and there and became internet buddies. But I wouldn't travel for them. So far, she's the only one and, I didn't go looking for her nor did she look for me. We found each other in a pretty bizarre way and... it's just wild how we got to where we are now. I was a super skeptic for at least the first year... questioned everything about her - and me! Lol!!! But now I'm comfortable that we're both ready to meet and that, the people we are offline are not so far off from who we have known these 2 years.

But, we'll see soon enough.

 

[betheman]

you realise the chances of this working out are in the single figure %ages dont you?

2years online? I think you have already cemented this girl upon that very high pedestal there!
she is pretty much telling you she isnt that into you, personally I suspect she maybe after US citizen ship..if that is where you are?

Im a bad ass old cynic these days, I reckon the past two years may well have been time wasted

 

[window]

yes you need to go over...see what happens. Dont get to thrown by what she sais about the friends stuff. They are just words till you get over there.

 

[Jetsoc]

No offense betheman but, you haven't a clue what you're talking about. Typical response of an ignorant. But skepticism is healthy and I've already had a healthy dose throughout this. And so far, it's all been for not. She's the real deal. Much too much to explain and to be honest, I didn't come here to prove anything.

Yeah, the friends thing could be genuine... could be jitters the closer we get... could be she just needs to experience the captain up close and personal! )) Either way, we'll see. Starting to relax a bit more now. Gonna go there, have fun and see what happens.

 

[window]

great let us know what happens

 

[AMDG]

That's gotta be worth a few points, eh?

Believe me, I know very well the mentality - and IMHO your chances are slim because you are friendzoned. If she were into you she would be going to meet you not the other way round.

Just think for a sec - if she liked western culture she would have tried to go west - by going eastwards you went into AFC mode for her. Do you see yourself enjoying your stay in Bucharest ? Even by Romanian standards the place is crowded and polluted, and unlike you I already stayed there a few months.

What really happened in 2 years - she has other romantic arrangements there and sees you as a friend with possible benefits. Like she said , you're "nice" aka the sugar "friend" she never had. You're totally in love with a person you have never seen.

If you're interested in a normal dialoge then give us feedback. If not, just enjoy your stay in fantasyland.

 

[Jetsoc]

If you're interested in a normal dialoge then give us feedback. If not, just enjoy your stay in fantasyland.

Okay first, you need to lose the attitude. Second, you're another one who makes presumptions with little to NO information. I didn't come here to explain every friggin detail of the last 2 years! Just for some pointers that might help because it's such a unique situation.

The reason she didn't come west is because she's friggin poor, okay? She had to quit school to go to work because her dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness and her opportunities were limited due to that. She's getting by the best she can while working to finish school. So she doesn't exactly have a grand lying around to hop a plane. But she has expressed in an interest in coming here.

And while I'm here, I might as well address your next objection that virtually everyone has because they're too uninformed and presumptuous. No, she's not looking for a mealticket out of Romania. That IS what you were thinking, right? Don't deny it, everyone does. And it pisses me off. When we first met, when I started to really get to know her and found out her, "situation" I almost hit the brakes. But as time went on, I came to see the truth. This girl is determined to make it on her own. She's not interested in anyone's help. In fact... I never wanted the issue of money to come into the conversation with us. Just didn't want that dynamic introduced, like if she were in a pinch and I helped her out, she would feel obligated, etc. It's just an ugly scene. Well one time, she was struggling. I'm not rich by any standards but, I had a little extra saved that she didn't know about and so I said, "Hey, do you need a little to get you through to payday?" She refused politely but outright. She said she's okay and not to worry. She doesn't want to depend on anyone, preferring to do it all herself. It's something I admire about her and respect her for. She gets it from her mom, whom I have talked with too. Anyway...

And yes, I do see myself enjoying my stay. I'm only staying in Bucureşti for the first night, then we're going up to the mountains. I've always wanted to see the castles of Transylvania, land of Vlad Dracul, etc. The landscapes are amazing. And the culture and history has always intrigued me, long before we met.

What really happened in 2 years - she has other romantic arrangements there and sees you as a friend with possible benefits. Like she said , you're "nice" aka the sugar "friend" she never had. You're totally in love with a person you have never seen.

Again, pulling sh1t right outta thin air. I can't believe the arrogant presumption of some people. Ugh! If you must know, no she has NOT had other romantic arrangements as you put it. And when she said, "You're nice" she was talking about my appearance, as I clearly stated.

I know the chances are slim... DUH! Lol!!! But what the hell? Life is too short. Gotta take a chance every now and then, ya know? And yeah, it's a huge chance but what the hell? Why not? And if it doesn't work out, so what? It's still been one hell of a ride! I've had 2 of the best years of my life just interacting with her online and now we're gona get to hang out for 2 weeks in person. It's crazy... it's wild... it's insane. But I'm having the time of my life. Can you say the same?

So while originally I WAS interested in normal dialog, if it's gonna be with downers like you who think they know everything when they know NOTHING... well, I don't need that. If I wanted discouragement, I'd talk to one of my chick friends. Lol!!! Later...

 

[Inquisitus]

What advice are you asking for exactly? Two people have given you their observation based on what you wrote and you've rejected what they said outright.

You want to convince this girl to like you. The truth is that you can't convince anyone to like you, man or woman. They either do, they don't, or they're ambivalent. Trying to nudge her to like you in a romantic way is virtually impossible. If it's obvious, it'll actually make her lose respect for you.

I know the chances are slim... DUH! Lol!!! But what the hell? Life is too short. Gotta take a chance every now and then, ya know? And yeah, it's a huge chance but what the hell? Why not? And if it doesn't work out, so what? It's still been one hell of a ride! I've had 2 of the best years of my life just interacting with her online and now we're gona get to hang out for 2 weeks in person. It's crazy... it's wild... it's insane. But I'm having the time of my life. Can you say the same?

You see, people here (on this site) expect to interact with women in person. That is the whole point of this site. The fact that you've never met her in real life but have said all that you've said is a big alarm. This is why people here think you're in fantasy land.

Also, you're absolutely right, life is short. Two years before meeting someone in person is a long time. Most of us won't wait that long for anyone!

And yes, I do see myself enjoying my stay. I'm only staying in Bucureşti for the first night, then we're going up to the mountains. I've always wanted to see the castles of Transylvania, land of Vlad Dracul, etc. The landscapes are amazing. And the culture and history has always intrigued me, long before we met.

Focus on this as the primary reason you're going. And please update us on how it went.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Jetsoc,
Still "Trying"?

 

[AMDG]

it's such a unique situation.

Here we see a textbook example of pedestal-itis.

Let's look at the cold hard facts ( btw I'm a romanian by birth, so I know a lot more than you about the particular mindset )

- she's a penfriend 5000+ miles away, the age gap has turned you into some kind of father figure with no romantic interest whatsoever "she still sees me as a friend", and her situation is - for better or for worse - similar to most young romanians ( a lot of them know english very well, work part-time because the older generation had miserable wages etc ) The social fabric in Romania unraveled 20 years ago and what you describe as a major crisis is a way of life for the majority ( health care for the elderly is barely present because the state-run hospitals offer mostly aspirin and painkillers ). Things there are actually better than 10 years ago, and much better than some places in the US.

"it pisses me off"

Why are you pissed off by a piece of advice ? Let's assume you marry her and bring her in the US - she will have all kind of rights including alimony, rights that are non-existant in Romania. The temptation to leave you will be there.

Btw, if you're in Romania go to the north in the Maramures region - a truly beautiful place. Enjoy your trip

 

[Colossus]

Listen Jetsoc, if you're going to ask for ANY advice whatsoever, then you better grab your nuts and listen to ANY advice that we offer. Dont come to this forum and ask for opinions, then get your panties in a twist because the replies dont support your idealism.

This is like an AFC storybook fairytale. I wasn't even sure if you were for real at first.

Let me spell this out to you very simply, and I implore you not to take it personally.

You have essentially had a pen pal for the last two years. You've never been on a "date". You've never touched her, never kissed her, never laid with her after you fvcked her. You BOTH have an image of each other in your minds....what the other will act like, talk like, be like. It's an expectation. I dont care if you've video chatted or whatever, you've never met each other. It sounds like you, primarily, have built this beautiful pedestal for her over the last two years, and you have a lot of hopes resting on that fragile tower.

Red Flags:
She is almost 20 years younger.
She is a foreign citizen.
She lives 5000 miles away.
She thinks of you as a friend. Holy Moses, dude. Spare me the "special friend" rubbish. Girls dont say that to men they want.

Read this to yourself a few times. You, a grown-as$ man, is about to shell out big bucks to fly---literally---halfway around the world to meet a girl HALF YOUR AGE whom you've been chat buddies with for 2 years. It sounds ludicrous doesn't it? That's because it is.

So you say you know it is VERY unlikely a relationship will result from this. Would you invest your entire savings on 1:1000 gamble? Of course not. But you're willing to risk your emotional well-being, and considerable coin, for a chance at love. That is delusional, my friend, but you do what floats your boat. Just dont come crying back here heartbroken when you return.

Which begs the question, why haven't you been spending time HERE generating new women in your life that you can actually hang out with?

 

[window]

nothing like a gamble,, he could get over there, they fall in love and she rides his pole as a sign of devotion for the next 40 years.

 

[search1ng]

Keep us updated either way. Hope it works out for you bud.

 

[AMDG]

No reply - as expected

 

[Love's Orphan]

Maybe he took the red pill after this and overdosed...

 

[AMDG]

I bet he's ashamed of himself.

 

[MM92]

No offense betheman but, you haven't a clue what you're talking about. Typical response of an ignorant. But skepticism is healthy and I've already had a healthy dose throughout this. And so far, it's all been for not. She's the real deal. Much too much to explain and to be honest, I didn't come here to prove anything.

Yeah, the friends thing could be genuine... could be jitters the closer we get... could be she just needs to experience the captain up close and personal! )) Either way, we'll see. Starting to relax a bit more now. Gonna go there, have fun and see what happens.

He has more of a clue than you. I bet you've never even touched a girl. If you don't wanna take advice then get the fcuk off this forum, you freak. People like you piss me off.