we're best friends...

[monobluecontrol]

ok guys, I've been dealing with this **** for a long long long time and I finally found this site, so I'm hoping someone can help.

wow, this is a doozy

ok, so I started hanging out with this girl this last July, after we graduated, and we got along perfectly. Even she has said we are two halves of a whole. She is incredibly interesting and caring and blah blah, you get the idea, and we talk about everything, and so, of course, I fell in love with her immediately. She however, doesn't see me like that, at least i can't tell if she does, and she has *gasp* a current boyfriend. Now, while that may seem like a big problem, I know that she is only with him because of a feeling of attachment, (she started dating him in high school) and they are sure to be done eventually.

Also, it is important to explain that she has mild OCD, like weird quirky things, not washing hands all the time or hoarding, and she is VERY dependant. we became such good friends and so close that for the last 5 months i've been sleeping on the floor of her room (it gradually happened, since i live in the apartment across the hall, and i wasn't sleeping in a bed anyway) because she doesn't feel safe without me there. i do everything for her, and i know she "loves" me, but she doesn't "love love" me. we are so close that we are basically in a relationship minus all the things that would make me feel like my love was requited)

I guess I really don't know what to do, because her roommate is moving out in less than a month, and i'm moving in with her, and soon we may both be moving to another city for college, and her boyfriend didn't get in there, and it's a big city, so... I don't know, maybe someone out there can help. It's really hard with this girl, every guy that gets to know her falls head over heels.

I'm hoping that maybe she doesn't "love love" me yet, but knows that she could if she didn't have a boyfriend, because we are so close. The hardest thing about all of this is that she doesn't know how i feel, and i'm wary of telling her, because my friend also is in love with her, and told her, and is creepy, and she is annoyed by it all the time, and i don't want to be in that HOPELESS situation. i really believe in the "timing is everything" stuff, and i need to know what to do. I CANNOT lose her, she means so much to me. she's my best friend, and I KNOW i'm her best friend. we are so close and i can't screw this up. Thanks so much.

 

[JonJack]

Dude, timing isn't everything. She has probably decided on where to place you in her life. Most probably she has already placed you as a close guy friend. One that, unlike the other guys, just want to be friends. Which in turn makes you special to her in a way.

Ask yourself now. If you would to ask her if the two of you can ever be together and she says no (or some other derivative like "but I don't want us to spoil what we have" or "I'm not good enough for you"), would you be able to continue seeing her and not feel any discomfort? Would you be able to just continue having the friendship that you have now with her? Be honest now. Most of the time it gets so akward that you won't be able to talk to her the way you did before.

If it is, and most probably will be, uncomfortable after that, you're already in the danger zone. Be well prepared to lose her totally, even as a friend. Otherwise you could take the path of not saying anything at all and continue feeling this way for whatever length of time you choose.

Honestly my friend, there is really nobody in this world that we can't afford to lose. Life is such that people come and go. That's one of the harsh lessons of life that you'll probably have to experience to appreciate.

 

[Delta]

i definitely can empathize.

i understand also that YOU WILL NOT SEVER YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP.

i understand that. and i hope we can find advice with that as a given.

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1 - don't tell her. you might think that it will make you feel better getting it off your chest but it'll only make you feel like shyt later. better to move in for a kiss without explanation than try to 'confess your love' and be a card carrying weeny.

2 - if guys are falling in love with her left and right, SHE KNOWS what she does to guys.

she may indeed NOT INTEND to reek havoc. but she does and she KNOWS what she does to guys... and on some level, she must enjoy the attention - attention *****.

you're not unique. don't think you are. you're just part of her man-harem. another fan.

3 - the ball is not in your court. you are not solely responsible for getting it to happen. i.e. if she wanted you, she would have had you.
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i'm in a similar situation.

the girl may be an attention ***** - but unintentionally.... in any case, she doesn't mean to do harm.

she genuinely wants a friend. but that ends up being an unequitable relationship.

she gets everything she wants and i get nothing that i do.

every moment i spend with her weakens me, sickens me, makes me worse of a human being, more desperate, more sick, less able to win her or anyone else. she makes me feel bad about myself.

but the die has been cast. we're friends. and severing that relationship would be a catastrophic event in my life at least.
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i see no solution. but just be aware that you're getting screwed.

we're both in relationships that we really shouldn't be in but it's probably too late to bail.

only thing to take away from it possibly is DON'T EVER EVER EVER LET YOURSELF GET INTO THIS SITUATION EVER AGAIN.

better to starve alone in an empty cell than to starve in the midst of a banquet that you can never partake in and watch as other do.

delta

 

[Cheat_LBJ]

I feel for you, bro, I really do...

I think over half the guys who started reading this board did so because they found themselves in a situation like yours and wanted help to turn it around or help to never end up in the same situation again.

Just reading what little you've provided, it seems to me that your girl loves you in a more familial way, but isn't romantically attracted to you.

The language you use belies this fact conclusively: She feels "Safe" with you. Fact is, girls rarely, if ever, pick the 'safe' choice for their significant others. Romance is based, in part, on excitement and newness. The excitement that comes from not knowing what is going to happen next or wondering what the other person is thinking about you. Those things don't exist when you've known someone for a really long time, and when that isn't around, then its hard for a woman to see you romantically. Further, she's already getting what she needs from you without anything being given back on her part, why should she want to do anything that would jeopardize that?

The two of you are "two sides of the same whole?" If thats the case, then she already knows everything about you...there's nothing left to discover in a relationship.

My honest advice to you (as a veteran of no less than 3 of these exact same situations, one as recent as a year ago) is to move on. Admit to yourself that you didn't make the right moves and that you're not going to make the mistake of developing an urnequited love again. It hurts, and it's ego bruising to admit that she doesn't want you that way, but you gotta do it.

Any advice about trying to turn this friendship into something more is almost certain to make things supremely awkward between you and her.

Keep her as a good friend and use the time you spend obsessing over her, catering to all her needs, and trying to win her over to go out and meet some new people.

Good luck!

-LB

 

[onthepath]

run a search for "gangi games"

 

[monobluecontrol]

ok, thanks for the input guys, I appreciate it.

first off, I can't really do the gangi games, I mean I looked it up, and she and I are just too close too cut her off. I wish I could do something like that, but we're moving in together because of financial reasons too, and so for the time being (the next 4 months probably) I'm going to be in close vicinity. I could try after that if this is still going on, but that's pretty unlikely. Last night she blew up on me, because for some reason she can tell when i'm pissed or sad and being mopey or quiet, but can't for the life of her figure out why. I gave her a bunch of bull**** when she asked why i was sad, and so she got pissed and ripped me apart (she's really smart, beautifully verbose, and excellent at arguing.) She said that she hates that i make it seem like she's a complete ***** when she says mean **** to me in front of other people, because i just say "ok" and never really argue back. then again, she IS on the rag, and having practically lived with her for the last 5 months, I know there is a change in her mood during her period.

Once again, if there's anything else you guys can help me out with here, i'm open for suggestions, it's just almost impossible for me to completely cut her off right now, and we're SO close that if I just stop doing nice **** for her, she'll hate me. pretty ****ty situation, but I don't know what to do.

 

[floorman81]

Dude don't just sit there and let her yell at you. It sounds like she wants you to challenge her and not be such a floormat. Push back and maybe, not likely, but maybe you'll see some results.

Just think about this: if a good guy friend was describing this situation and wanted your advice, what would you say to him?

Whatever that answer is, do it!

 

[spider_007]

what ever you don DON'T TELL HER....and don't get deprest about it, cause chicks don't like being around deprest and sad guys.....

what if for some strange reason (while still remaining good friends with her) you started dating (nottin serius). and while doing that you started changing (week by week). You became more of an Man, More confident, Not as afraid what you say even in front of her (notting too mean ofcorse)...... Wouldn't she all of a sudden be supprised and think, waw, there is more to this guy then I thought. who new, he is my best friend..... and for some reason Im attracted to him now......

That's if you can pull it off. You two being that close could turn into an advatige. She only sees you as her best friend, now its time you start learning things that will turn her on, and make her attracted to you. Good thing your at the right place.

The reason it's hard for guys to go from friend to a lover is because, usualy they are not that close, and she can't notice the changes in him. Guy has to leave her alone for a few months and then get backin contact with her. being so close to her might turn into an advantage (If you learn to say the right things, in a FUNNY and MANLY manner...)

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/ START READING (THATS IF YOU WANT HER AS BAD AS YOU SAY YOU DO)

remember just being that close of a friend means your half way there, all you need to add to the relationship (slowly of corse) is that sexual manly attraction

 

[Wyldfire]

If she's attracted to you physically you can move things from friendship to romantic relationship. If she's not attracted to you physically, then you can't.

 

[spider_007]

unless you look like something a cat draged of the street, that's not a problem

 

[Wyldfire]

Sorry, but a female HAS to be attracted to a male friend in order to want to make things romantic. Physical attraction is just as important to females as it is to males. With females a guy's face is the most important thing...she has to like his face, because no female wants to look deeply into the eyes of a guy whose face she isn't attracted to, period.

 

[Tazman]

Wyldefire,
Do you think thats why I get attention from women, simply because they like my face (have been told I have a cute face)? I am beyond skinny, I have been working out and have gained some noticable muscle, but I'm still only 5'5/120lbs. I've been really insecure about my "skinnyness," and yet I still get the attention......its torcher I tell you. So a nice face can really outweigh other less attractive physical features?

I know it sounds like I've already answered this, but I never really pursue the women who have shown interest. In your opinion, could I get by being the scrawny guy I am if my face is good? I mean beyond just the first impression gotten from my face.

 

[DJDamage]

we are so close that we are basically in a relationship minus all the things that would make me feel like my love was requited)

DEAD MAN WALKING (shaking head in disgust).

"A friend she sees, a friend you will be"

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Tazman
Wyldefire,
Do you think thats why I get attention from women, simply because they like my face (have been told I have a cute face)? I am beyond skinny, I have been working out and have gained some noticable muscle, but I'm still only 5'5/120lbs. I've been really insecure about my "skinnyness," and yet I still get the attention......its torcher I tell you. So a nice face can really outweigh other less attractive physical features?

I know it sounds like I've already answered this, but I never really pursue the women who have shown interest. In your opinion, could I get by being the scrawny guy I am if my face is good? I mean beyond just the first impression gotten from my face.

Yes, you will still be attractive to plenty of women even if you're skinny. There will be some who it would bother, and if you think you could gain some weight, then you should still try to do that. Just don't let being skinny stop you from pursuing anyone. Face is far more important to women than body is in most cases.

 

[Big Eee Zee]

you are in a bad situation. I see one possible way to work this in your favor, though. Since you two are moving in together, make sure you do something extremely out of the ordinary when you two finally do it. Pick up guitar, or boxing/working out, get some new, good music etc.

Surprise her! Make her wonder if there is more to you than she knows. And also, maybe try bringing prospective dates back to your apartment. Nothing serious, no sex, just show her you are a sexual being who is attracted to and can attract other women.

Jealousy is a very, VERY powerful tool. Use it wisely, and carefully.

 

[monobluecontrol]

Thanks again for all the input guys

once again i can let you in on a little more of this situation, especially having to do with the sexual attraction aspect. When I first actually met this girl (freshman year of high school, so...like 5 years ago) i was really fat. I ballooned up to 275 lbs by the time I was a junior, and was gross. then, I decided to start losing weight, my senior year, and I proceeded to lose 85 pounds over the last year and a half, and she, obviously, has seen my transformation. while I still weigh in at 190 lbs, I am continuing in my weight loss at a very rapid pace, and she gets frustrated when I screw up on a meal or whatever, and I may be reading her wrong, but do you think there's a greater chance if I continue to lose weight, that she could become attracted to me? I think this is a no brainer, but others have told me that it wont solve anything. Her finding me attractive and actually acting on it AFTER I've lost weight doesn't make her less of a person, at least to me, I don't see it as being all that mean, since I would be less attracted to her, sexually at least, if she weighed 190 pounds. Then again maybe that makes me shallow...

anyway, I'm losing weight quickly and I can't tell for sure, but I always think she's giving off signals when I screw up my diet or something, that she REALLY REALLY wants me to lose the weight. It'll only be, like, 15 or 20 more pounds for my height, maybe 25, and i'll be good I think. I have a fine face, so I'm thinking that must make a difference.

give me some input, and thanks again.

 

[Wyldfire]

It probably is the weight issue. Once you keep the weight off for awhile she will probably be more open to something more with you. A lot of people that lose weight end up gaining it all back. It could be in her mind that you could gain all that weight back again. Give it some time and see how it goes.

 

[monobluecontrol]

thanks for the input man, she's really proud of me for losing all the weight, since it's so hard for people right out of highschool and into college, but since i don't drink and i eat healthy, I know i can keep it off.

I feel a lot better knowing that it could just be these last 25 pounds, so i'm gonna work hard to lose the rest of the weight, but if anyone else has any ideas on what else to do, keep it coming

 

[monobluecontrol]

thanks for the input man, she's really proud of me for losing all the weight, since it's so hard for people right out of highschool and into college, but since i don't drink and i eat healthy, I know i can keep it off.

I feel a lot better knowing that it could just be these last 25 pounds, so i'm gonna work hard to lose the rest of the weight, but if anyone else has any ideas on what else to do, keep it coming