Well, I screwed up, here's an example to learn from.

[Epic]

I'm going to be bearing my heart and soul in this post because I would be lying if I said I didn't need some reassurance, but I also want it to serve as an example for you guys. It is embarrassing for me to say this, after the posts that I've made, but I don't care. I'm not perfect and I think we're all here to learn from each other's mistakes. I don't take back anything that I've ever said. I feel confident in myself and my abilities. However, I made a mistake that has nothing to do with this. I wasn't selective enough. I had been in a serious relationship with a girl for quite some time, but it wasn't until the past few months that things began to change. I won't go into detail, but she has had a few traumatic events in her past, this didn't bother me though because I've had a few of my own. I thought she was over it, but it turns out that she had been struggling with depression from the beginning of our relationship, I just couldn't see it at first because until I learned to sense how she was feeling. There is nothing wrong with this girl as far as personality goes, she is a fun and nice person, and we are very compatible with each other. The real problem is that she has issues that she tried to deal with on her own, but I know all too well that most of the time they only get worse. Anyway, she got worse, it got to a point where she became more and more distant and finally yesterday she ended our relationship.

I want you guys to listen and listen well. You have to be selective not just because you shouldn't settle (I didn't settle), but because there are things outside of your own actions that can cause a failed relationship. I did everything the way I was supposed to with her. I KNOW this girl is still interested. She told me that I'm by far the most amazing guy that she's ever dated, but her mental state has gotten so bad that she can't deal with it and play the girlfriend role at the same time. The guilt caused by her not being able to do this was only making her worse, so she thought it would be best if we broke up for awhile. She said she would rather admit it to herself now and let me go, deal with her problems, and then maybe one day things could work; than to continue until our relationship with each other was beyond repair.

She then went on to say that I'm her best friend, that she needs me, and couldn't imagine a life without me. She said she doesn't want me to stop calling or seeing her, that she doesn't want me to see this as her screwing me over (I had told her once before that anyone that screws me over, get's cut out of my life.) I told her that she didn't screw me over, she was honest and considerate, and she knows that I understand what depression can do to your relationships with people. She came to my house to have this conversation and before she left she kissed me and gave me a hug so tight, I knew she didn't want to let me go. While doing this she told me that no matter what happens, she does love me and hopes that I know that.

I thought that because I was confident and strong, if anything happened between us I would just roll with it and be fine. I fell in love with her, but did not realize that love itself is a weakness. Like I said, I did everything the way I was supposed to. The situation just wasn't right. Real men can have broken hearts, there is nothing wrong with that. The hardest thing for me is going to be dating other girls when I know that we both still love each other. I know that love will make you do foolish things and it would be foolish to sit around and wait for her, there are too many variables to influence the outcome of this scenario. However, I'm a caring person and I'm not going to turn my back on her just because of this. I'm talking her into seeing a therapist, and I'm going to support her through this as much as I can. I wouldn't be much of a man if I didn't.

I still want her, I know that for sure.I know some of you might think this is AFC, but I don't. Yeah, she's got issues, but hell so do I. I'm on anti-depressants right now. I've been in a psych ward before, so who am I to judge? I'm not assuming that she's going to come back, but I do want her back. I don't want to hurt her by rushing out and seeing other girls right off, I think I'm going to wait a little bit, but it would be the best thing to do don't you think? I won't be getting into an LTR any time soon, it's not necessary for me. I know that she wants me and wants to be rid of the depression. I also know that she gets jealous if I'm around attractive women and she's not there with me, and because she knows I love her I don't think she expects me to start dating any time soon. I figure that would drive her to seek help and get back to me as soon as possible. Anyway, any thoughts? Please, refrain from insults if you don't agree with me, they're not worth acknowlegement, and you'd just be wasting your time. Mental illness is a common thread in my family, so it's nothing new to me. My own mother can be almost unbearable when she forgets to take her meds, but she and my father have been happily married for over 25 years.

Anyway, here is my advice: You really must guard your heart guys. You never know what's lurking in the shadows. I've been in the shadows a large part of my life and even I missed it. Mental illness is something that I can deal with, but for those of you who haven't experienced it, chances are you won't be able to. Walk tall, but tread lightly.

 

[PectoralisMajor]

its sooo long, cant you use bullet points....

i'm not reading that, didnt even read the first word. :moon:

 

[duke007]

Don't be an idiot Pectoralis...

Epic, great post, I admire your balls to post that in all its confronting detail. But don't be embarrassed (after the posts you've made), I'm willing to bet most guys on this board ultimately want to find love with a "one-itis" but would scarcely admit it.

Sounds to me like you were such a good boyfriend that her crippled self-esteem (brought about by depression) convinced herself that she was not worthy. I'm sure you've heard the theory that attainability increases attraction? Right now you aren't attainable in her eyes.

The great news is that now you are fully aware of the extent of her depression, you'll be able to reassure her through your actions, and ultimately she'll be yours again. Great move in suggesting therapy.......it WILL work and from the way you've described the situation, this break-up/hiatus/whatever definitely seems temporary.

Oh and NOT AFC! To me this is what being a DJ is all about!

 

[War Against Betaism]

I've read it all, good post man. I've actually experienced something like this just recently, though it was mostly because I screwed up. Being in a similar situation in a worse position, I'm not entitled to much in terms of giving out advice besides hang in there. So yeah, keep ya' head up.

 

[reset]

I like your sig WAB.

 

[War Against Betaism]

Thanks, it just came to me randomly when I was walking to my friends house.

 

[j0n024]

I agree good post...I am sorry for your loss but you seem to know what you are doing , I thank you for sharing the story with me and hope you guys find a way to be togethor or at least be happy...good luck.

 

[Interceptor]

Epic, you seem like a reall, caring and stand up guy, and that goes the same for your ex.
She acted like a Lady, she had class, man.
She took you into consideration and let you go even if it hurt her to do so.
She needs time for herself, and right now, even though she loves you, she needs to love herself. For many people, when they have a scarcity of love, they go injto a survival mode.
She is doing this to spare you from any negatives that may come if you two were still involved.
But I think you are over dramatizing this a bit.

The relationship is taking a break.
there is still a chance for you two to reunite.
And you are free to date anyone whiom you wish.
She still has feelings for you,and holds you in high regard.
These are good things.
She's taking a time out to spare you the grief she has to endure.
She needs this in order to GROW.


You can still love her, and be with someone else.
You shoudn't think loving someone is a weakness.
And you shoudln't be looking at this in this kind of over dramtic manner, like some sort of a crisis or devastating loss.

Because you view this as so deeply affecting, you need to learn how to stay in control, and not FALL in love, but BE in Love.

For you, becasueyou haven't developed your Personal Boundary as well , you do see love as a weakness, and do see this as a bit dramatic and fatalistic.

That's why you need to mature.

You need to be stronger internally.

You must learn to be the Rock.

I know it sounds cliche, but it's not "the end of the world."

But you seem to be taking it that way.

Stay strong. This is not as bad as you are perceiving it.

And it is all about perception. The way in which YOU percveive it.

You're just so close to this that you lost perspective, you lost your objectivity. Which happens to a lot of people.

Stand back, and take a look at yourself, her, and the situation.

Use Observing Ego here.

There is a positive side to all of this.

Don't revel in misery.
I know what I'm telling you, dude.

Keep us posted.

 

[reset]

You shoudn't think loving someone is a weakness.
And you shoudln't be looking at this in this kind of over dramtic manner, like some sort of a crisis or devastating loss.

Because you view this as so deeply affecting, you need to learn how to stay in control, and not FALL in love, but BE in Love.

For you, becasueyou haven't developed your Personal Boundary as well , you do see love as a weakness, and do see this as a bit dramatic and fatalistic.

That's why you need to mature.

You need to be stronger internally.

You must learn to be the Rock.

I know it sounds cliche, but it's not "the end of the world."

But you seem to be taking it that way.

Stay strong. This is not as bad as you are perceiving it.

And it is all about perception. The way in which YOU percveive it.

You're just so close to this that you lost perspective, you lost your objectivity. Which happens to a lot of people.

Stand back, and take a look at yourself, her, and the situation.

Use Observing Ego here.

There is a positive side to all of this.

Don't revel in misery. (emphasis reset).
I know what I'm telling you, dude.

Keep us posted.

f'ing hell. This is the type of thing you need to memorize and internalize to your core so that you actually think this way for the rest of you life.

 

[Epic]

I appreciate all your responses. People can say all the negative things they want about this board, but they don't know anything. You guys are really the only true honest male support that I have. Any time I have a problem when it comes to situations like this, this is the first place I think of coming to.

Duke007, you reaffirmed what was in my own mind. Thanks for the support.

Interceptor, great advice, and I'm grateful for your honesty. I wish there were more people like you and Karma whenever I first started out on these boards. Back in the day, it was hard to get honest, respectful, positive criticism. The process always seems to get more difficult as you progress.

All of your responses have made a world of difference to me. I don't care how many miles separate us, or how well we all know each other; in my opinion a true friend is a person who is there for you when you feel at your worst. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

 

[redspicyflag]

Respect my brutha

 

[needdatingalternativ]

enjoyed your honesty- please respond

I'm also in AL please respond i'm brand new here thanks

 

[horaholic]

I'm also in AL please respond i'm brand new here thanks

Dont bump dead threads, bro. It sucks when there is no update. I wonder how it turned out. Im guessing they got right back together, as chicks have pulled that one with me, then a week later they beg for me back, and the cycle begins.