What makes my story even more pathetic is that I've never even been in a romantic relationship with this woman. She's an exotic dancer. Fell madly in love with her maybe 12 years ago. Told her I had feelings for her but she only liked me as a friend (said I don't express myself enough; I asked another woman what that means and she said it means I'm not aggressive enough, toward life in general), and wasn't looking for a relationship anyway because a 5 year abusive relationship had made her sour on men.
I refused to give up. I watched Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest like half a dozen times over the next few weeks. Went back to the club and was "expressing myself" more. Wasn't being all polite and proper and inhibited anymore. Was telling her how hot she was and all the things I wanted to do to her and acting nuts. She didn't know what got into me because this was so unlike me. She really seemed to like it. Seemed to have more fun when I was there, seemed to find me more fun. But it only lasted a few weeks because it wasn't coming from within, I was just faking it. And before long my "true self", Mr WBAFC, came out again.
The last time I saw her, she told me she had found someone, who turned out to be the DJ at the club. Then about a year later the club shut down. Didn't see her again and thought I was over her. When it comes to her (or any female I've felt this way about), I've always been like a little kid wanting to impress that girl in his class who he has a crush on. All I've ever wanted to do was impress her.
She said one time that I needed a woman who was more like me. Someone who liked to stay home and was happy just watching tv. She'd be too hyper for me, she said. Except that I don't LIKE being that way! I don't LIKE staying at home watching tv and playing video games. It's just hard to get away from because I've always been pretty timid and passive (huge mama's boy growing up, and being an only child didn't help either), and it's really all I've ever known, except for brief flashes of knowing what it feels like to actually want to live, and not just exist.
Still, thought I was pretty much over her until sometime early this year/late last year, when I had been particularly feeling like sh!t to begin with and I had a dream about her 4 nights in a row. Don't remember any of the dreams, just remember they had something to do with her. That got her back on my mind big time. You haven't seen obsessive thoughts over a woman. When it snowed, it reminded me of the one time we went out (only as friends) rollerskating it was snowing that night. I have a tickling fetish and used to pay to tickle her at the club. Any time I saw tickle-porn (yes there is tickle-porn), it reminded me of her. When I would see a little girl on tv it would remind me of how she was severely beaten by her mom as a kid, and how for all her pain and as strong and independent as she was, she still had this little girl innocence to her. It was insane.
I couldn't hold a job because I either cried or felt like crying all day. Then I guess I got a big boost from my psychiatrist increasing my Wellbutrin or Lexapro or both, and I felt great. Like whatever happened I could handle it. I didn't feel helpless. I could discipline myself to do things I didn't feel like doing. I wanted to challenge myself, wanted to experience new things. All of this is SO unlike me its ridiculous. But as good as I felt, I still wanted her. I was going to use this newfound confidence to make myself rich & successful, find this woman and win her heart.
Needless to say the confidence didn't last. My therapist says don't expect it to, its just a momentary boost and I need to learn "coping skills", which sounds so drab and boring compared to just walking around feeling like a winner. When my confidence started to wane, I started thinking "well that dancer was really a handful sometimes. She could be very unpleasant to be around. Severely depressed and could really b!tch you out to death when you p!ssed her off. Maybe I'd just be better off with some upbeat, happy, funny chick who would be a lot easier to get along with." Being with this woman wasn't as important to me anymore.
But I wanted it to be. I WANTED to have that burning desire for her again because "God, it would be so cool to be able to say that I got her." It would be so cool to be able to say I took this depressed-as-fvck, angry, unhappy woman, and I was the big rich successful Alpha-Male type who had the money and resources and cool under pressure and in a short time, bada-bing, all her problems were solved and she was a happy girl again. It was like a fairy tale, so romantic. So even when I didn't really want her anymore, I WISHED I COULD want her again! How sick is that??
Well, about a month ago I found her. Working in another club. She'd always been sad, but nothing like this. She looked like she was constantly fighting not to cry. I've always loved how strong-willed she is. She seemed bitter, angry, beaten down by life so bad that she wasn't getting up again. She's living with DJ guy but doesn't love him anymore. And she still wasn't interested in me romantically.
But here's the thing: that's the kind of guy I've always wanted to be, long before I met this woman. It's just that she motivates me to actually want to do something about it, when nothing else could. The thought of being able to "rescue" her, and bada-bing solve all her problems, and make her a happy girl again and be able to say "I did that! No one else, I did that." That motivates me. Except that in the meantime, I get depressed because I'm NOT that kind of guy right now, and the kind of guy I am now (in my eyes) is a weak pathetic loser because he can't give this woman the life she wants. If I could stop focusing on how I don't like myself now, and focus on the kind of guy I want to be, it wouldn't be so bad.
Maybe I'm thinking of it too much as "changing" instead of "improving" myself. I'd still be me, just a different version of me. The me that I always knew was inside of me. This one therapist I talked to when my regular therapist was busy handling a crisis situation said its not unhealthy to use gaining the love of a woman to motivate me to improve myself, that we need to use whatever we can to motivate ourselves. He said after I improve myself, she may still not want me. Or I may find I don't want her anymore. But no matter what happens, in the end I still improved myself.
But its getting to be really depressing, feeling not good enough and that I never will be until I'm the kind of guy that I think this woman would find sexy, fun, exciting, irresistable. THEN I'll be somebody. Its really getting depressing thinking like that. I wish I could just want to improve myself for me, just because I've felt briefly what its like to feel like a winner, and its a hell of a lot more fun than feeling the way I have most of my life.
I honestly can't even say why she's so important to me. I've come to realize recently that I'm probably in love with who I THOUGHT she was at first. Before I knew she was in so much pain. At first she was "in character" I guess you could say, her stage persona. First she was so cute and flirty and sweet and adorable. Then when business was slow she would sit and shoot the bull with me, and I found she was so much more. She was so deep, so philosophical, so intelligent, so fascinating. I would ask her opinion on everything, current events you name it. I wanted to know what she thought about anything and everything. I couldn't know enough about her.
Then the more she got to know me, the harder it got for her to stay "in character" I guess, and one night she broke down crying about her boyfriend and the way he wouldn't find a job, etc. And as I said in another thread, when I found out she was in so much pain, the "rescuer" in me took over. I've always had this fantasy of rescuing a woman and making her life happy again. And no one (in my eyes) was more deserving than her.
You know how women put up with guys who treat them like sh!t because they have all this "potential" to be this great guy? She's in love with what he COULD be, not what he IS. I think maybe I'm still in love with what she COULD be, and not what she IS. I remember when I found her about a month ago, sitting there thinking "is this it? is this the woman I've been obsessing over for 6 months??" But then of course it went back to what she COULD be. Who she was "deep down" underneath all the pain, hurt, anger, etc. The exact same thing so many women do.
So, do I continue to use her as my motivation to improve myself? Even though I feel I'm not good enough, don't have any reason to like myself, until I do?
I've read some of the more experienced DJ's here say that all the patterns, NLP, hypnotic suggestions, etc, are secondary to just believing in yourself, liking yourself, before you even know what any woman (or anyone for that matter) thinks of you. And that when you're happy just to be alive, with or without the love of a woman, then everything else just comes naturally. When you can honestly say you're just as happy whether or not any particular woman is interested in you sexually, then the very things that used to elude you now just fall into your lap.
That's what I need. Not the love of this woman or any other woman because I'll just depend on it and if its taken from me I'll be back to square one. I need that state of being happy just to be alive, just to be me, and anything else that happens is just a bonus. I've tasted it briefly in my life. How do I get it and keep it consistently? Thank you for your time.
I refused to give up. I watched Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest like half a dozen times over the next few weeks. Went back to the club and was "expressing myself" more. Wasn't being all polite and proper and inhibited anymore. Was telling her how hot she was and all the things I wanted to do to her and acting nuts. She didn't know what got into me because this was so unlike me. She really seemed to like it. Seemed to have more fun when I was there, seemed to find me more fun. But it only lasted a few weeks because it wasn't coming from within, I was just faking it. And before long my "true self", Mr WBAFC, came out again.
The last time I saw her, she told me she had found someone, who turned out to be the DJ at the club. Then about a year later the club shut down. Didn't see her again and thought I was over her. When it comes to her (or any female I've felt this way about), I've always been like a little kid wanting to impress that girl in his class who he has a crush on. All I've ever wanted to do was impress her.
She said one time that I needed a woman who was more like me. Someone who liked to stay home and was happy just watching tv. She'd be too hyper for me, she said. Except that I don't LIKE being that way! I don't LIKE staying at home watching tv and playing video games. It's just hard to get away from because I've always been pretty timid and passive (huge mama's boy growing up, and being an only child didn't help either), and it's really all I've ever known, except for brief flashes of knowing what it feels like to actually want to live, and not just exist.
Still, thought I was pretty much over her until sometime early this year/late last year, when I had been particularly feeling like sh!t to begin with and I had a dream about her 4 nights in a row. Don't remember any of the dreams, just remember they had something to do with her. That got her back on my mind big time. You haven't seen obsessive thoughts over a woman. When it snowed, it reminded me of the one time we went out (only as friends) rollerskating it was snowing that night. I have a tickling fetish and used to pay to tickle her at the club. Any time I saw tickle-porn (yes there is tickle-porn), it reminded me of her. When I would see a little girl on tv it would remind me of how she was severely beaten by her mom as a kid, and how for all her pain and as strong and independent as she was, she still had this little girl innocence to her. It was insane.
I couldn't hold a job because I either cried or felt like crying all day. Then I guess I got a big boost from my psychiatrist increasing my Wellbutrin or Lexapro or both, and I felt great. Like whatever happened I could handle it. I didn't feel helpless. I could discipline myself to do things I didn't feel like doing. I wanted to challenge myself, wanted to experience new things. All of this is SO unlike me its ridiculous. But as good as I felt, I still wanted her. I was going to use this newfound confidence to make myself rich & successful, find this woman and win her heart.
Needless to say the confidence didn't last. My therapist says don't expect it to, its just a momentary boost and I need to learn "coping skills", which sounds so drab and boring compared to just walking around feeling like a winner. When my confidence started to wane, I started thinking "well that dancer was really a handful sometimes. She could be very unpleasant to be around. Severely depressed and could really b!tch you out to death when you p!ssed her off. Maybe I'd just be better off with some upbeat, happy, funny chick who would be a lot easier to get along with." Being with this woman wasn't as important to me anymore.
But I wanted it to be. I WANTED to have that burning desire for her again because "God, it would be so cool to be able to say that I got her." It would be so cool to be able to say I took this depressed-as-fvck, angry, unhappy woman, and I was the big rich successful Alpha-Male type who had the money and resources and cool under pressure and in a short time, bada-bing, all her problems were solved and she was a happy girl again. It was like a fairy tale, so romantic. So even when I didn't really want her anymore, I WISHED I COULD want her again! How sick is that??
Well, about a month ago I found her. Working in another club. She'd always been sad, but nothing like this. She looked like she was constantly fighting not to cry. I've always loved how strong-willed she is. She seemed bitter, angry, beaten down by life so bad that she wasn't getting up again. She's living with DJ guy but doesn't love him anymore. And she still wasn't interested in me romantically.
But here's the thing: that's the kind of guy I've always wanted to be, long before I met this woman. It's just that she motivates me to actually want to do something about it, when nothing else could. The thought of being able to "rescue" her, and bada-bing solve all her problems, and make her a happy girl again and be able to say "I did that! No one else, I did that." That motivates me. Except that in the meantime, I get depressed because I'm NOT that kind of guy right now, and the kind of guy I am now (in my eyes) is a weak pathetic loser because he can't give this woman the life she wants. If I could stop focusing on how I don't like myself now, and focus on the kind of guy I want to be, it wouldn't be so bad.
Maybe I'm thinking of it too much as "changing" instead of "improving" myself. I'd still be me, just a different version of me. The me that I always knew was inside of me. This one therapist I talked to when my regular therapist was busy handling a crisis situation said its not unhealthy to use gaining the love of a woman to motivate me to improve myself, that we need to use whatever we can to motivate ourselves. He said after I improve myself, she may still not want me. Or I may find I don't want her anymore. But no matter what happens, in the end I still improved myself.
But its getting to be really depressing, feeling not good enough and that I never will be until I'm the kind of guy that I think this woman would find sexy, fun, exciting, irresistable. THEN I'll be somebody. Its really getting depressing thinking like that. I wish I could just want to improve myself for me, just because I've felt briefly what its like to feel like a winner, and its a hell of a lot more fun than feeling the way I have most of my life.
I honestly can't even say why she's so important to me. I've come to realize recently that I'm probably in love with who I THOUGHT she was at first. Before I knew she was in so much pain. At first she was "in character" I guess you could say, her stage persona. First she was so cute and flirty and sweet and adorable. Then when business was slow she would sit and shoot the bull with me, and I found she was so much more. She was so deep, so philosophical, so intelligent, so fascinating. I would ask her opinion on everything, current events you name it. I wanted to know what she thought about anything and everything. I couldn't know enough about her.
Then the more she got to know me, the harder it got for her to stay "in character" I guess, and one night she broke down crying about her boyfriend and the way he wouldn't find a job, etc. And as I said in another thread, when I found out she was in so much pain, the "rescuer" in me took over. I've always had this fantasy of rescuing a woman and making her life happy again. And no one (in my eyes) was more deserving than her.
You know how women put up with guys who treat them like sh!t because they have all this "potential" to be this great guy? She's in love with what he COULD be, not what he IS. I think maybe I'm still in love with what she COULD be, and not what she IS. I remember when I found her about a month ago, sitting there thinking "is this it? is this the woman I've been obsessing over for 6 months??" But then of course it went back to what she COULD be. Who she was "deep down" underneath all the pain, hurt, anger, etc. The exact same thing so many women do.
So, do I continue to use her as my motivation to improve myself? Even though I feel I'm not good enough, don't have any reason to like myself, until I do?
I've read some of the more experienced DJ's here say that all the patterns, NLP, hypnotic suggestions, etc, are secondary to just believing in yourself, liking yourself, before you even know what any woman (or anyone for that matter) thinks of you. And that when you're happy just to be alive, with or without the love of a woman, then everything else just comes naturally. When you can honestly say you're just as happy whether or not any particular woman is interested in you sexually, then the very things that used to elude you now just fall into your lap.
That's what I need. Not the love of this woman or any other woman because I'll just depend on it and if its taken from me I'll be back to square one. I need that state of being happy just to be alive, just to be me, and anything else that happens is just a bonus. I've tasted it briefly in my life. How do I get it and keep it consistently? Thank you for your time.
