was recently dumped, would appreciate some good advice

[TomTucker]

i recently got dumped. we were in a LTR for over 2 years and had nothing but great times. i didnt afc really at any point and held her interest till the end. when she wanted to break up I handled everything very mature, calling her out on her bullsh!t in a respectful maner, and im ready to move on. i havent made any contact since we broke up and have no plans on doing so (i would like to get back together, but on my terms and definitely make her understand her f--k up). The problem is we have a lot of the same good friends, and we will be in at least a couple of the same social gatherings in the next few months. aside from not showing interest, i dont know how to go about acting around her during those gatherings. like i said, im ready to move on, but i would still be interested in getting back together on my own terms if she showed interest.

im not mad at her. 'course it still hurts sometimes to think about the situation. guess im just nervous on acting distant around her without looking like i dont care. like how to be distant with her but still manage to talk to our friends. there will be situations were i cant just walk away when were around friends, and i dont want to spend the whole time lookin like im avoidin her or something, you know what i mean?

above all else, im really not sure what to do if me and her start talking alone and she suddenly brings up our relationship and wants to talk about it. if she tells me wants to get back together, im not sure what i would do. i said before, i would like to get back together, but on my terms and definitely make her understand her f--k up. again, in NO way am i expecting her to want to come back, i just want to be prepared for it if it does come up.

 

[evansblue]

She is the one who screwed the relationship up... and you're the one that got dumped.

What does that tell you? Move on.

 

[EFFORT]

Its tough moving past a 2year long relationship, so I have empathy for you. To give you specific advice answer these questions.

What is your living situation? (own place, roommates, parents, etc)

What country/region in the world do you live?

How old are you and how old is she?

Where are you in life with your career/career path? (college, post college, trade school, post trade school, working, business, etc)

During the relationship what hobbies/activities did you participate in without her ? (basically describe your life outside of your gf)

Describe the context in which you became bf/gf.

How did she fcuk up?

 

[Desdinova]

above all else, im really not sure what to do if me and her start talking alone and she suddenly brings up our relationship and wants to talk about it.

There's no point in bringing up relationship issues after a breakup. It's a waste of time to discuss something that's dead.

i said before, i would like to get back together, but on my terms and definitely make her understand her f--k up.

I don't care how much you try to bull5hit us, you're not over her. You're pondering all this crap way too much. If she talks to you, keep it friendly but remain distant. Also, there's no point in going back to her. Would you like her to stomp all over your heart again? If you get back together, you're always going to have this 'glitch' in your relationship, and you're always going to be wary of her leaving again.

Get your ass out there and start dating other women. Once you've got lots of women under your belt, you won't be worrying about 5hit like this. You'll learn that ALL women are disposable.

 

[SgtSplacker]

If you see her at a gathering you don't have to put on some oscar winning act that you don't even remember who she is. Just don't pay any attention to her. Wanting her back at this point is just plain wrong but either way the last thing you want to do is act like you do. I definitely would'nt approach her and greet her, let her come to you. Keep your greeting short and sweet and be the one to leave first.

-If you want her back, ignore her.
-She broke up with you, ignore her.
-Don't look like a chump in front of other women.
-Don't drink too much, don't want to embarass yourself or even look stupid.

Bear in mind that the way you handle these situations not only says something to the people observing it, but more importantly mentally you walk away from this a stronger person having proved to yourself that your no chump. I read somewhere that a lions mane will gradually turn black as he wins more fights. If he starts loosing fights, his mane will gradually turn more and more brown. Keep your mane black my friend...

 

[DonGorgon]

goo back to searching for women.. thats all you can doo..

 

[the_great_gaia]

I can't wait to see his answers to EFFORT'S questions.. insightful.

 

[5string]

She is the one who screwed the relationship up... and you're the one that got dumped.

What does that tell you? Move on.

What he said ^^^^^

Be respectful, maintain indifference and don't engage in endless banter about a relationship that once was.

 

[AAAgent]

I've learned a few things about being a DJ from this site and life.

1.) Be a man of your word and honor the requests of others decisions.

You guys broke up. She ended it, respect her decision and leave her alone. Be a man about it as this is not the end of the world.

Even if she was the last woman on earth, would you prefer to crawl back to her or take her back as she continues to disrespect you and die pathetic boy or live by your words and honor and die like a man?

2.) Never show weakness or suffering.

No matter how vulnerable you are or how much pain you are in you should never show it. Men are supposed to be pillars of support to society, family, and friends. My died never once mentioned any financial problems he was in, even when he was forced to sell his only business at the time. All he said was "kids we may have to move into a smaller house because this house is too big." that was it. When my pops was sent away for a few years, he never once complained or cried about it. He never even mentioned it when he was away when we visited him. He always told me to keep your problems to yourself because no one wants to hear them.

No girl wants to hear their "Man" cry, complain, and whine. I've learned this from first hand experience when my last relationship ended. Everywhere i went i was unhappy and moping. If you're unhappy take your focus off your break-up distraction.

Take your normal 1 week solitude time or whatever it is to get over the emotional stage then move onto occupying all your time being productive. Immerse yourself in work, study, projects, hobbies, working out, and anything that will make your future better. If you know that going to a event where both of you will show up at will make you feel uncomfortable then don't go. No use in trying to tackle something you aren't ready for. Obviously if someone asks you why you aren't going don't say it's because of her, it's because you have better things to do like work on starting your own business.

As for the talking to her part, don't. Be a man about it.
------

If you're afraid you're emotions will get the better of you and you might act on impulse (which i tend to do alot), you can wait it out. It's better to do nothing at all than to do something and have that action ruin any type of chance later on.

I've learned from being impulsive when i get caught up in the heat of the moment to do something drastic, to wait a few hours or even a day. Then once i'm calmed down, i start thinking to myself:

Should i do this? What type of person will i be if i do this? Is this how a man should act?

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Tom,

These things happen man--the thing is when one party wants a terminal end on a relationship, even if the best game in the world rebuilds attraction, you have to ask yourself if it's really something worth being in, and if finding another person who values you more is a better route.

Usually it is through those failed relationships that we find even better ones as their successor.

I would say keep a healthy distance from her if you can, or else she may try to reel you back in, and may just drop you again. The tug-of-war on a person's mind is a sure-fire way to be distracted or mentally clouded...thus, it's usually better to keep that space and use the frustration to have something better.

I think it's very chill of you not being upset at her -- in some ways accepting what is and moving on in the best way that you can to be the best version of yourself possible seems like the most respectable route.

Hanging around in hurt feelings and sadness doesn't really ever seem to get us too far.

Many good vibes Tom, time will help everything -- your perspectives and attitude seem to be in the right place.

PS -- I agree with AAA that moping doesn't always help...but I'd keep in mind too these things are natural...I think most people if they cared about someone and the relationship ended have some sort of grief afterward, or even as we discuss on this forum, the sort of chemical withdrawl from that person as well -- breakups can be very painful -- but like most pain, it fades with time, as you heal, and in the end you learn from the experiences and come out a thousand times stronger usually forging a new and more self-righteous path...stay up brother!!!!

 

[MirrorOfTheSoul]

Once you a relationship breaks up, it's over for good.

Yes, you can get back together, but it's never be the same and eventually fails all over again.

Trust me, it's not worth the hassle. It never works. So get it out of your head that you want her back on your terms. Don't even entertain the idea. It's toast. Move on completely.

 

[DonGorgon]

Once you a relationship breaks up, it's over for good..

when the woman ends it that is true.... men are very prone to taking women back that they dumped cause they have so few options..

 

[Alex DeLarge]

when the woman ends it that is true.... men are very prone to taking women back that they dumped cause they have so few options..

Or are drunk and horny and need a lay for the night lol. :rockon: