Was my ex BPD?

[rama22]

Hi all

Would be grateful for some advice regarding the break up I experienced with my ex in May 2009. I realise it was a long time ago now, but I still think about it every day and I have been seeing a counsellor for the last 3 months as I seem to have major problems dealing with this.

OK I shall try to keep this as brief as i can:

- We meet about 8 years ago at work, she was stunning but very low on confidence (used to wear a cardigan round her waist to hide her bum). I was very ****y and confident at this point. We then had an intense period of risque making out sessions in my car in secluded roads and parks. We slept together after about a month or so.

- Then one day she broke up with me suddenly, a few weeks later we started texting and got back together. I asked what the break up was all about and she said she was scared that she was falling in love with me too quickly. Anyway we started going out again.

- Over the next few years we stayed at each others respective parents houses. Me on the weekends at her Mums, and her most during the week at my parents.

- On day she decides she wants a dog (a mini Yorkie). I tell her I don't want one, and her Mum and my parents also say they don't want a dog in their respective houses. She sulks and moans and I ask why she is so desperate for one and we could think about getting one when we have our own place. She replies "I feel lonely when you are not here". I reply "OK I'll try to stay at your Mums for more days". To which she says "I feel lonely even when you are here though". Anyway one day I get phonecall to say she has just bought a dog. Our parents and me were not happy, but she kept it and everyone grew attached to the dog.

-Anyway fast foward a couple of yeas and we buy our apartment (we didn't buy a house as she said she didn't want to feel alone in a house if I wasn't there). She loves this flat and spent many months making it perfect....she seemed about as happy as anyone could be at this point.

- We seem settled in the flat and opened joint bank accounts, and pretty much everything was in both our names. In Xmas 08 she insisted I come to a massive family reunion in the Philippines (she is half Filipino). I spent over a month there being introduced to everyone in her family and they all love me.

- In March 09 out of the blue she siad that we needed to make a further commitment and asked me to buy her an engagement ring. We looked at rings and she told members of both our families we were looking at rings. I planned to suprise her in Summer 09.

- At the end of April 9 on one day she had been distant all day. Finally she tells me she doesn't want to be with me anymore and leaves for her Mums. She blames me and says I am a horrible person but thats about all I can get out of her as per any reasons for this sudden change of heart. She says that when we argued she would say "When you talk to me like that it makes me love you a little less"....WTF. She also claimed that she had told me many times that she was unhappy in our relationship....however I called her on this and said "You have never once said this to me". To which she mumbled "Well I did".

- 5 months after this I was angry that I still had no real reason for this sudden U-turn. So I phoned her and said "I know everything, don't make yourself look stupid and confess...I asked if there was someone else and she replied yes" It was a guy she used to work with and I suspect she cheated on me prior to breaking up then made her move. She had been seeing him the whole time since the break up. She never apologised and only seemed more concerned with people finding out or what I would do to him. I had asked her several times over the last 5 months whether there was someone else and she denied it to my face. Anyway since then we have had absolutley no contact whatsoever, and I hear they are looking for a place to rent.

Anyway here are the reasons why I THINK she maybe BPD:

- Intense start to our relationship...sex in risque places, many love letters proclaiming her life before was nothing without me.

- In the last year of our relationship when we argued on 2 occasions she once ran into the bathroom and made 3 long vertical cuts on her arms with scissors and said "Look at what you made me do". Then on the other occasion she ran into the bathroom grabbed a handful of her hair and just cut it off and said the same kind of thing.

- She used to have a horrific rage like temper where she would attempt to pummel me using arms, legs, biting anything really to try to hurt me. Just restraining her was tiring as she would exert alot of energy in trying to escape...the look in her eyes was a bit scary too. She remined a bit like the Tasmanian Devil from the cartoons when she got like this.

- She would have many hobbies that were the centre of her world that she would drop just like that to move onto the next one...knitting, baking, making clothes, making jewelry, horses...all dropped never to be mentioned again.

- She was awful with money, never seemed to have any even though we earned roughly the same. Always maxing her overdrafts and muggins here would help her out.

- Considering her humble background she had a view that she was entitled to the best. She had very expensive tastes and could pick out the most expensive item in a shop with no difficulty.

- Nothing was ever her fault and she resorted to an almost child like state when I called her on stuff that was clearly her fault.

- She was unbelievably stubborn.

- Her Mum had a fling with her Father who was married which resulted in her. Her Father left her Mum to go back to his family when she was around 5 or 6. She has had very little to do with him and in the time we were together he did try to meet her but she refused point blank.

- Since she broke up with me its almost like I never existed at all and I had been the most horrible person in the world. One of the last things she said to me was "You are a horrible, nasty, evil person and I feel so sorry for your next girlfriend". Her Mum was devasted and begged her to go back to me, but well it looks like things are moving at a very fast pace with her new beau.

- In the months after the break up she has been unnecessarilly cold, hurtful and heartless even when she had absolutely no reason to be.

I know break ups can be difficult but this one feels like something has happened to me and I don't know what it is.....the speed in which I was discarded and a new "replacement" found has made me question whether the last 8 years were actually genuine. I kinda feel like the old toy chucked away in the corner who has outlived his usefullness.

So what do you guys think...BPD or just a *****?

Sorry for the long message

 

[katatonia]

- Intense start to our relationship...sex in risque places, many love letters proclaiming her life before was nothing without me.

- In the last year of our relationship when we argued on 2 occasions she once ran into the bathroom and made 3 long vertical cuts on her arms with scissors and said "Look at what you made me do". Then on the other occasion she ran into the bathroom grabbed a handful of her hair and just cut it off and said the same kind of thing.

- She used to have a horrific rage like temper where she would attempt to pummel me using arms, legs, biting anything really to try to hurt me. Just restraining her was tiring as she would exert alot of energy in trying to escape...the look in her eyes was a bit scary too. She remined a bit like the Tasmanian Devil from the cartoons when she got like this.

- Nothing was ever her fault and she resorted to an almost child like state when I called her on stuff that was clearly her fault.

- She was unbelievably stubborn.

- Since she broke up with me its almost like I never existed at all and I had been the most horrible person in the world. One of the last things she said to me was "You are a horrible, nasty, evil person and I feel so sorry for your next girlfriend". Her Mum was devasted and begged her to go back to me, but well it looks like things are moving at a very fast pace with her new beau.

- In the months after the break up she has been unnecessarilly cold, hurtful and heartless even when she had absolutely no reason to be.

Judging from the above parts especially, I would say yes she likely has BPD.

You know what to do; no contact.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The disorder is named 'borderline,' because these women will always be flirting with a line between 100% good and 100% evil. Everything falls on one side of the line or the other, and then frequently that will change. Her hobbies and her relationships are the same. As soon as she cheated on you, which is especially easy for BPDs (complete disassociation from the LTR when you're not around), then you went from perfect to perfectly evil.

The money thing seems to be true with them as well. I was always amazed at the speed at which my BPD girl could make money disappear. Another BPD girl I knew of was the same way. She liked to seduce rich businessmen into supporting a clothing shop she had, while she proceeded to lose tens of thousands of dollars, mostly by taking home clothes, wearing them once or never, and then losing interest and giving them to the maid.

 

[rama22]

Thanks for the replies guys.

Does this mean that her new man is now being viewed as 100% perfect...and perhaps this will modify her behaviour somehow? I mean if she cheated on me with him, does this mean she views him as someone who can help her behaviour in someway?

I must admit it does feel like I am now 100% evil and he is the cats pyjamas.

 

[katatonia]

Does this mean that her new man is now being viewed as 100% perfect...

Perhaps, but this will end sooner or later. Probably sooner.

and perhaps this will modify her behaviour somehow?

No. The only way she can modify her behaviours is through months/years of therapy (DBT I believe is the main therapy for BPD) and she must be willing and aware that her behaviour is not normal in the first place (unlikely).

I mean if she cheated on me with him, does this mean she views him as someone who can help her behaviour in someway?

Attraction doesn't have anything to do with wanting to change your own behaviours through someone else, especially for a BPD. I don't know where you got this idea from.

And as I said she probably thinks her behaviours are completely normal anyway.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Yes, he's perfect and you're evil...for now. These things change.

Don't read a lot into the cheating. My BPD ex cheated on her faithful husband of seven years. He never knew, but she confessed it to me one night. I asked her why she did it, was she mad at him, resentful, neglected?

She acted surprised and said, "nah, not at all. I was just drunk."

One of the traits of the disorder is that no matter who you are, if you are out of sight, you are out of mind. There is a nearly complete disassociation with people who are not around, even spouses. This probably relates to the abandonment issues that are central to the disorder and way in which she coped with her father leaving her when she was a small child.

 

[rama22]

She still denies actually cheating, however I am as certain as can be that she did.....doesn't this show that on some level she has remorse for the cheating and knows it was wrong?

I mean she only confessed because I caught her bluff.

This BPD stuff is a real head fook.....what the hell was real over the last 8 years?

I am just glad I got to keep the apartment and all the furniture.....after 8 years together she was so determined/in a rush to leave she only took her clothes and our electric toothbrush.....guess it shows how evil she now views me.

 

[rama22]

I am not so sure that she was BPD.....if so it sounds more like a minor case.

You should have had about 7.5 years of hell in that relationsihp if she truly was BPD.

Is it possible there are varying degrees of BPD?

 

[Proselytiser]

Go look the **** up on wikipedia.... I know 'borderline' is a popular term around here, but your girlfriend sounds like a typical attention *****. You can't go diagnosing people with a personality disorder just cos they dont like u

There is nothing in this thread that indicates BPD.

Standard drill, buddy, forget about her, meet new women, get involved with ur hobbies, etc.

 

[katatonia]

Is it possible there are varying degrees of BPD?

Probably but they're all fvcked one way or another if they fit the BPD diagnosis.

Fear of abandonment is probably the #1 criteria for BPD and prevents them from having a 'normal' sexual relationship.

 

[jophil28]

There are several signs and symptoms in her behaviour which point to BPD.
The crass selfishness, the impulsivity, the wrist cutting attempt to shame you into supplication, the moods swing, the ranting and shouting, her lack of feelings about the impact of her behavior on you, the black and and white thinking ..and so on.

MY question is this - WTF is wrong with you that you were willing to be her dartboard for all those years?

I usually do not use the term AFC, but in your case it fits perfectly.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I usually do not use the term AFC, but in your case it fits perfectly.

Woah now sir, perhaps all of us were guilty at some point of this. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. The above is like calling someone a "fatty" who is on a fitness forum working to lose weight.

Rama, I do agree with Jophil that you cannot let yourself be a dart board as you have. When a relationship falls to a point of cutting or cutting off her own hair -- its over. Any reason it continues is out of shear weakness or dependency on both people's parts.

No person is going to make or break you. No female can ever be responsible for your relationship to life, your happiness or your own satisfaction.

You likely were in something destructive that was strung along for far too long. In the end, she leaves you, "hating you", turning you into something evil. This is simply her way of disconnecting. Ignore it. She's not your judge or your key to validation in life.

It's too bad she's placing blame and not looking at herself. But here's the beauty. Her learning is not your responsibility. She can bad mouth you to the world. Who cares? What you need to be focusing on is your own -self improvement-, your own learning and your own growth.

Now you know that you won't tolerate some wh0re throwing ***** fits. You'll walk away next time. Or you'll be man enough to end the relationship with her and move forwards. I can tell you from experience that this is a stage of maturation. It is painful, you are going through a great deal of grieving after eight years of investment and trying to make something work. But this will lead to a greater stage in your life, and deeper understandings. You'll find yourself more in control of the female situations you engage, and less naive to tolerate their BS.

Learn to identify destructive patterns early. End a relationship early in that situation, don't waste time with people and selfish behavior.

 

[rama22]

Thanks for the advice guys.

My therapist thinks I have rescuer tendencies, and also suffer from co-dependancy which I guess explains alot.

It is right to say though that I have learnt alot about myself and relationships...I I know now what I can and won't put up with.

Its funny I wanted to beat the sh ite out of the other fellow (not blaimg him entirely), however know I am starting to think he doesn't know what he is letting himself in for and that perhaps this is his karma.

 

[brokenupinside]

I was in a relationship with a DIAGNOSED BPD and what you describe are traits that were present in my gf's behaviour,of course there,s so much that they hide,most are very functional.I was present in a lot of her therapy sessions,some were private.They don't get better cause they don't think there's anything wrong with them,there's a lot of projection and their flimsy self esteem depends basically on the belief that they are being wronged and everybody is against them thus the paranoia and distrust.
Very complex issue.
Now the important part,YOU WILL GET BETTER, you will not forget but wil accept the fact that you are better off without her.Took me two year to get 90% there.She is a sick individual,if the mind does not work there's nothing but a shell.Move on.
They do suffer but not the same way normal people do,their sense of envy and jealousy is overly developed,the worst that can happen to her is you thriving on your own.
Good luck.

 

[KingofHearts]

When I read this line "Look what you made me do", it sent a shiver through me. Who's to say if she's bpd or not? You'll never really know. And I can relate to how you're trying to figure out what is real or not. I've learned to accept that my ex-wife really loved me and she really hated me. Time is still the best cure, but getting over it entirely takes a lot of time. After a year or so, I'm doing pretty good right now. I definitely went through some phases.

Its difficult when you know that things were really good at some point. But here is how I flipped it - all those awesome things she did for me to pull me in, I now do for other people, guys & girls. Only with me, I'm genuine about it. I get people little gifts, pay them sincere compliments and show them the time of their life. I make a point of doing things they will never forget. I do this without supplicating because I do this for everybody and I don't expect anything in return. A girl may feel like she is being treated special but the reality is that I do this for everyone. That ends up making people admire me more. Plus I feel good about what I do. And I simply withhold all the crappy manipulative things my ex-wife did.

What happens when you start becoming the man of any woman's dreams and you don't have an ulterior motive? You become authentic, genuine, the prize.

Bottomline is you can never be sure if she was bpd, but you can move on as if she was. You know that in time, you will be fine. Learn from it like anything else. The curse is that you will see that many people have different hidden agendas, the commonality is that they behave in a way to mask a deficit or feed a need. The blessing is that now you can spot people like this from a mile away. One thing is for sure, you will do everything in your power to avoid relationships with these kind of people for the rest of your life. Your life is already better now and it will only keep improving.

 

[KingofHearts]

PS - I'm not quite sure how to link a thread, but take a look at my first post made a few months ago. I'm sure there is something in there you can relate to. The good news is you're already coming out the otherside and you will move on to bigger and better things.