Was I screwed up or her??

[WillUK]

I wish I'd discovered this site a few months ago....

I'm a 33 year old guy from the UK. I've been internet dating for the last 7 months.

At the end of the summer I met a really (or at least, she appeared to be) nice woman, who also happened to be attractive. It was a month long relationship, which makes me wonder why it had such a great impact on me...But hopefully the the following explains why:

Things went really well on our first date, and we spent a few hours drinking together. After this, she came back to mine and stayed the night. This wasn't planned, nor expected.

She then arranged for us to go out for a meal the following night. The same thing happened again...We had a good night and ended up back at mine.

The following weekend, I invited her out for a few drinks and asked if she minded some friends coming along. She brought a friend too. We had a great night...and suprise surprise, she ended up back at mine....

We didn't see each other for around 5 days, when I called her and asked if she fancied coming round for dinner. She said that she was working late, but agreed to come round afterwards....She spent the night.

I didn't hear from her after that for 6 days, after which I rang her because I wanted to know that things were ok between us. She told me that she liked me, but didn't think that there was a spark there.

I should have ended it then, but she told me that we could work on the 'spark'. Unfortunately, my confidence had gone by then and I really went downhill.

I think that if a spark was lacking, it was probably due to the fact that I lost a previous long term partner through a serious illness a few years back. This affected me significantly, as you would expect.

After she told me there was no spark, I didn't know how to act around her. It was a real kick in the balls, and I couldn't understand really why....Why was she sleeping with me if a spark was non existent?

After all of this, and in my confused state of mind, she then decided to come for a night out with me and my friends. She was really distant and made it clear that she wanted me to remain distant too...

Consequently, I got really drunk: it seemed like the only thing to do, and I got really messed up.

This was the excuse she had been looking for to dump me. However, she still asked me to sleep with her that night!!

It didn't make sense. I've been so confused about everything, and where I went wrong.

I tried to reconcile things by writing her a letter, asking what she meant etc.
She told me that she was sorry that she hurt me, but there was no spark, and that she didn't think that we could be friends, because I clearly couldn't handle it.

She went away for a few weeks.

I emailed her when she got back, suggesting that we met for lunch. Not to reconcile a relationship, but to show her that I could be friends.

3 days later I heard nothing so I phoned her. I thought that if I spoke to her, or left her a sincere voicemail, she'd know that I was being genuine.

However, she then really offended me by hiding her facebook profile from me...I was then informed that she was talking about me....and one of her friends said "hasn't he got the message yet?"

My offer was meant as a friendly gesture, with no strings. I wasn't trying to win her back as a lover.

I was particuarly annoyed that she couldn't even speak to me, or mail me or whatever. She would rather have spoken to her girl friends on facebook.

Because I was angry by this point, I emailed her telling her how upset I was by how insensitive and dismissive she had been. And also explaining why I started acting oddly (because the dynamic of the relationship had changed after she told me that there was no spark between us. I didn't know where I stood) I didn't want her to have the moral upper ground. Yea I messed up by getting drunk, but she helped to mess me up by playing with my head...

Basically I told her that she shouldn't have treated me like she did, and in future should think seriously about her actions. I also asked her the a question: if there was no spark at all, why was she sleeping with me??
I told her that I thought she'd been incredibly selfish, and desperate to have posession of the moral high ground i.e. I was the one who got drunk and behaved like the idiot, so she was the victim etc

I wasn't expecting a reply.

I then removed her as a friend on facebook....because I wasn't going to be treated like that...I felt absolutely used and hurt.

However, I was just forgetting about her, when around a week later I heard that she had branded me as 'messed up', and 'weird' on facebook chat....

She was telling my friend that!! Fortunately, my friend was a good enough friend to stand my corner, and then relay this to me.

He explained that she was the first woman I'd had any feelings for since my partner died (3 years ago), so it was to be expected that I might have started behaving a little erratically.

You must remember that I started acting differently after she told me that there was no spark, after having slept with her 4 times....I'm sorry - but I'm surely not the only guy in the world who would be messed up after being told such a thing?...but then she proceeded to still go out with us...what for?! And then she slept with me again, AFTER she'd told me that there was no spark! She told me "I really like you, I want to sleep with you". WTF??

Hell, of course my head was messed up!

But after being branded as weird on facebook chat, I decided to just send a final email, to appease the situation I thought: NOT a nasty one. I was too tired for that, and over her.... But it was an email which just explained that I was sorry for behaving the way that I did when I got drunk. I was out of order, and understood why she finished it afterwards....
I told her that some of the things I'd said in the previous email (Sent about 8 days before) were said because I was angry that she'd turned down a genuine offer of friendship and seemed to be more keen on talking to her girl friends about it on facebook, than considering it.

I did also say however, that I didn't really appreciate being branded 'weird'. I didn't go into details, because I'd already explained why the dynamic changed.

I did however explain about how she was the first girl I'd had feelings for since my partner died.

And because those feelings were strange to me, I felt unsure and disorientated....Because I was holding back emotionally. I believed that's why a spark may have been lacking...

I also said that I was worried that my insecurities, due to my partner dying, would resurface the next time I met someone I liked. I didn't want that to happen again. Because then there's be no spark, and things would screw up again...

I said that I was aware of these things now, and I was working on them so hopefully I wouldn't make the same mistake next time with someone I liked.

I wished her good luck with dating in future, and told her to take care.

She then mailed me back saying that I was vindictive amongst other things, and that if I didn't stop contacting her, she'd report me!!!

Obviously, I had no intention of contacting her again. As I said, I was too tired/and over her to really care by that point. But I just couldn't believe that she finally threatened me after my non threatening email....

Please could someone give me some advice here? Was my head understandably messed up by her actions? Was I wrong in trying ro reconcile things? Was I wrong to get angry with her??

I've been out with numerous women over the last 8 months, but none drove me crazy like she did....My head was really messed up by a combination of her mixed messages, my personal feelings towards her, and my own insercurities....I feel as though I was played by her

 

[vitor]

wow dude after your 3rd attempt to contact her I stopped reading and skipped to the bottom. Bottom line she does not like you like that, when a woman disrepects you , or tells you there is no spark or she is not interested move the F on. Its her loss, just go, let the ego go and find someone who is into you.

It was borderline stalking/bother to the max here... Dont be in such a hurry to fall back in love. you had sex with her several times and had fun, thats great, keep it casual, slow things down a bit, too much hanging out too soon.

 

[Warrior74]

Was my head understandably messed up by her actions? Was I wrong in trying ro reconcile things? Was I wrong to get angry with her??

My head was really messed up by a combination of her mixed messages, my personal feelings towards her, and my own insercurities....I feel as though I was played by her

You weren't wrong about being "understandably messed up", emotions aren't right or wrong, they are just something to be managed and dealt with.

But if you were expecting her to understand, that's wrong thinking. Women in general don't want to understand about your weaknesses. In fact, they don't want to know about them (until they do, I know, it doesn't make sense but it does, I suck at explaining).

All she wanted was some fun in the sack and it sounds like you wanted more. The spark she was talking about? That meant she liked shagging you but she didn't want more and she wanted to be able to shag other people.
After she told you that, the best thing would have been to cut contact, or to put her in a FWB (friends with benifits) scenario.

I understand that you've been through the wringer so you probably are emotionally vulnerable and not able to do that right now.

As for getting angry, yah. You keep trying to make someone care/understand who doesn't, you can't blame her for that. You played yourself on this one. But now you know and knowing is half the battle right?

Just chalk it up as a learning experience. Next time you can identify which women just want some causal fun and which one's want something serious. In fact, don't even bother looking for something serious, let it all just be casual fun until she starts asking you for something serious. Then YOU decide if you want something serious or not.

.

 

[WillUK]

thanks

Thanks for the advice, both of you.
I don't believe that it constituted stalking though....if she ****ed with my head, what did she expect? Just to accept the crap that she'd put into it?
Of course I wanted answers, even if she didn't want to give them to me.

I am an intelligent, decent looking guy with a good job etc.
I just couldn't understand why she was into me one minute (and was 'looking for love' (quote her)), and the next; when I'd made it clear that I cared for her, she decided there was no spark. She was ****ed up: as ****ed up as she made me...And if I freaked her out with my persistence: GOOD!!

I do agree now that she was probably wanting to screw around for a little while, instead of committing to one guy....despite her telling me that she didn't want me dating other people!!! WHAT THE ****?!! What was I supposed to think?!!

But you are right, I have learnt the hard way...I just keep thinking, if only I'd done things differently....But the I think, would I really want to be with a woman like that anyway?? She was hot, and I thought intelligent. But the more I look at it, the more I think that she was just a blonde bimbo with big tits who probably used these assets to get what she wanted - personally and professionally. Ruthless!

Thanks again. I have another date on Saturday, and we are going to a part of town that 'that girl' regularly goes to....it might be interesting!

**** her. I don't give a ****. She was a ****. If I see her, I'll ignore her. If she attempts to talk to me (which is unlikely), I'll tell her to go screw herself. Simple as that.

Bizarrelly, I am on a dating site, and I noticed that she had been looking at my profile again....I subsequently blocked her.

Some women love head games I guess.

I will not let a woman **** with my head again. I am the man, and I make the rules. Strange how a guy has to turn into an insensitive wanker in order to appeal to women, when all this time I'd been duped into thinking that they like chivalrous sensitive guys. What a load of crap!!!

Weird how it took me to 33 years of age to see the light.

Cheers

 

[Soprano]

sounds like she wanted to be friends with benefits but didnt go about it the right way. she must have liked ur bed game but not had any attraction outside of that lol.

but instead of settling for friends with benefits u pushed for more (a misunderstanding) but hey now ya know for next time. pushing for things is usually not a good thing imo, at least not directly.

your reaction was likely a scare but she didnt realize that her actions brought it on cuz she's a dumb chick lol. she sounds like an attention ***** and controlling, its best just to be numb to the things she says. when i say be numb i dont mean in a resentful way, but rather in a very in-control-of-yourself way. i realize its always easier to see things for what they really are after the fact, but an experience like this will help you analyze things in real-time next time and react accordingly (or better yet not react at all )

what i got out of your post - she did something stupid, u reacted to it stupid (no offense just how i see it). she sounds mad stupid though and acted really poorly.

 

[jophil28]

Just chalk it up as a learning experience. Next time you can identify which women just want some causal fun and which one's want something serious. In fact, don't even bother looking for something serious, let it all just be casual fun until she starts asking you for something serious. Then YOU decide if you want something serious or not.

.

That woman showed some typical behavior of BPD/HPD women.

These women sexualize a new connection with a man very early, and very easily, to hook him.. They amp up the sex and all feels good, and then when they sense that the guy is going to WANT something from them they start pulling away. Then her inconsistent behavior starts, and the mindfuking kicks in. She continues to have less frequent sex to stay connected to him so that he is an available target for her push/pull tactics. This is her BPD hatred of men in action.
BY now the guy is totally bewildered BUT well and truly hooked and makes several attempts to stabilize the relationship. The more he tries, the less stable she becomes. The downward spiral is well established by now. and SHE is playing her favorite game - using her sexuality to destroy a man who cares for her. A man like that is a perfect target for her hatred.
IT makes no sense to the guy - because he has done nothimng to deserve her crappy treatment. So he continues to try to "fix" it in a variety of ways.
None of these actually work because her pathology is controlling her actions.

Well, the finall chapters are all there in the OP.

There is no more tragic a figure in life that a man who is pursuing a Personality Disordered woman, and just wants to love her.

 

[jophil28]

Dupe post.

 

[Soprano]

That woman showed some typical behavior of BPD/HPD women.

These women sexualize a new connection with a man very early, and very easily, to hook him.. They amp up the sex and all feels good, and then when they sense that the guy is going to WANT something from them they start pulling away. Then her inconsistent behavior starts, and the mindfuking kicks in. She continues to have less frequent sex to stay connected to him so that he is an available target for her push/pull tactics. This is her BPD hatred of men in action.
BY now the guy is totally bewildered BUT well and truly hooked and makes several attempts to stabilize the relationship. The more he tries, the less stable she becomes. The downward spiral is well established by now. and SHE is playing her favorite game - using her sexuality to destroy a man who cares for her. A man like that is a perfect target for her hatred.
IT makes no sense to the guy - because he has done nothimng to deserve her crappy treatment. So he continues to try to "fix" it in a variety of ways.
None of these actually work because her pathology is controlling her actions.

Well, the finall chapters are all there in the OP.

There is no more tragic a figure in life that a man who is pursuing a Personality Disordered woman, and just wants to love her.

this is true talk as well. i dealt with similar once.

 

[pua1989]

agree with DonS the guys above are goin to light on you. that was super creepy stalkerish type shít. why do you get so angry if she said there was no 'spark' ??? she just didnt like you

 

[pua1989]

whoa DonS whyd you get rid of all that???? i thought it really would set him straight

 

[JDA70]

Some women love head games I guess.

I will not let a woman **** with my head again. I am the man, and I make the rules. Strange how a guy has to turn into an insensitive wanker in order to appeal to women, when all this time I'd been duped into thinking that they like chivalrous sensitive guys. What a load of crap!!!

Good for you. You understand now.
You are a man, you have all the power not her.

I do want to remind you not to be a wanker or prick to girls. You don't have to do that to get girls. Just don't give up your power (balls).Keep that power
use it right and girls will bow to you. Cheers

 

[jophil28]

I do agree now that she was probably wanting to screw around for a little while, instead of committing to one guy....despite her telling me that she didn't want me dating other people!!! WHAT THE ****?!! What was I supposed to think?!!

WillUK, if you are stiil out there, know that you were used, abused and discarded by a woman who is incapable of contributing to a mutually satisfying relationship. This woman is a wannabe maneater and also shows some traits of a CLuster B shrew.
Your mistake was NOT is hooking up with her, it was in not dumping that loonie at the first signifcant display of disrespect from her. And then you dug yourself deeper into the shyte pile by asking for answers and explanations for from a gold plated baitch... what were the chances ?
You handled this very poorly in pursuing a woman who was running away from you, and your foolishness in expecting her to explain to you why she was retreating was kind of pathetic.

We all are probably going to hook up with one (or more) of these toxic creatures in a lifetime of dating. The lesson to learn is how and when to pull that big yellow lever.

 

[jophil28]

I do agree now that she was probably wanting to screw around for a little while, instead of committing to one guy....despite her telling me that she didn't want me dating other people!!! WHAT THE ****?!! What was I supposed to think?!!

You were "supposed to think" that her demand for exclusivity was an indication of her genuine high interest in you..it was not.. She tried to manipulate you .IT was a power move by her to control the frame and have you waiting at home for her while she pursued her other options.