Was I AFC, and then unknowingly DJish?

[weak]

Reading this board really got me thinking of how I fuct things up with my gf, but also about how certain other behaviors I wasn't aware of at the time kinda seemed to make her want me back (at least I THINK so).

I took her to NYC for a Valentine's Day getaway, which happened to coincide with the 3-month anniversary of us meeting for the first time. I wanted to show her my hometown, which she had never visited until then. We had such a GREAT time. I thought that trip was the start of many great things for us...yet we broke up 2 months later, and she had already been showing dropped IL for a month or so before the breakup. I think that trip actually ruined things in that we had such a great time, that it seems to me she began comparing everything else we did after that to the trip, and of course, nothing came close.

I really tried to keep her at bay when she began displaying lowered IL. I'd take her out, tell her how much I loved her, mentioned what an awesome time I had with her on the trip, brought up other great times we had shared together, kept pointing out things we had in common, etc...basically anything to rekindle the flame; yet things kept going downhill the harder I tried. For her IL to drop so much after the relationship hit an all-time high so recently made NO sense to me. At that time, I was as frustrated and hurt as I was confused.

However, there was a big difference between how I felt and behaved when her IL began dropping, and when we split. By the time she finally made the move to break things off, I actually didn't take it hard. In fact, the feeling was mutual by that time, and we parted under very amicable circumstances. She's one of those girls who's into remaining friends with her exes, so right after the breakup, she'd still call to say hi, leave messages, and email me. Mother's Day came around right after we broke up, and she even emailed me to tell me she was rather peeved that I didn't call or visit her mom to wish her a happy Mother's Day. WTF?

Months after we broke up, someone else had my interest. Since my ex wanted to be "friends," I told her about this new woman; NOT for the purpose of making her jealous, but just as a life update between friends. One night, my ex calls and asks if she could drop by to say hi. When she showed up, she's all hugging me big time, telling me how much she's missed me, bringing up the trip and how it was the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for her...and she even admitted to being jealous of the new girl I was interested in. We chatted via IM a couple of days after that, and not only did she admit to really wanting to kiss me that night she came over, she also admitted that she still loved me. Do you think all these things would've happened had I become a groveling emotional trainwreck with her after our breakup? Could it be that she began behaving this way because I was actually ok with the breakup and obviously showed her how I had easily moved on? I even told her about a new woman, and behaved in a very platonic way with her when she came over that night.

 

[amoka]

Reading this board really got me thinking of how I fuct things up with my gf, but also about how certain other behaviors I wasn't aware of at the time kinda seemed to make her want me back (at least I THINK so).

One thing you should remember is that you should be the one taking her back. Not the other way around. Don't cry on her lap hoping for faith to redeem you from her. Let her know that you've moved on and that you'd like to explore your options with women.

 

[weak]

One thing you should remember is that you should be the one taking her back. Not the other way around.

Well...yeah...IF I wanted her back. I didn't, though.

She obviously showed up that night because she wanted to come back to me, and wanted to see if I'd take her back. Her actions spoke loudly.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Weak,


First of all, I humbly and respectfully suggest that you might want to change your screen name. Around here, we usually try to accentuate and build up our STRENGTHS rather than IDENTIFY and remain comfortably entrenched in our WEAKnesses. Of course, I also realize that I may be taking this shyt too seriously, so it's just a THOUGHT, my friend...lol

Now, as to your questions, I would say that you did a great job of MANNING UP and demonstrating your strength, confidence, and resolve to this woman. I believe that your confident and unfazed response to her "leaving" you INDEED played a BIG part in her "suddenly" having a rekindled interest in you.

But I think that this is only HALF of the truth. The other half of the reason why this chick is suddenly all about YOU again is simple. As Doc Love says:

REJECTION doubles interest level.

And I agree with this statement. My theory about why ex-girl's interest level has shot back up is due to the fact that now, SHE feels rejected by YOU. It is often said that the best revenge is LIVING WELL----going on with your life and thriving in spite of problems and setbacks. And THIS, my friend, is exactly what you did.

So good move, soldier!

Now you have this chick right where you want her----ready to get back with you, and probably willing to do more than a little groveling in the process. But make no mistake, 9 times out of 10, she's only coming back to you because your "MOVING ON" has been a major blow to her EGO.

You see, soldier, some women are ONLY used to DOING the dumping and moving on----NOT the other way around. And also, she probably dumped you because she wanted to explore some other OPTION (guy). But the guy she chose to use as your replacement probably didn't turn out to be as great as she THOUGHT he would be.

You see, back when you two were together and you started behaving like an AFC, she started to consider you as less than the prize---lower than her preferred GOLD standard. So instead, she probably chose to go chasing after ANOTHER prize (guy), she probably left you to GO FOR THE GOLD-----but in the end, it only turned out to be FOOL'S GOLD. lol

NOW her NEWLY jealous and needy ass is back on a mission to use YOU as a temporary life raft to hold on to until she spies another NEW, big shiny relationSHIP in the distance that she would like to climb aboard whenever it steers close enough.

Don't fall for this trick of the enemy, soldier. MOST of the time, it's NOT worth it. But you'll have to be the judge.

If this new girl you're seeing is up to par, I'd suggest you seriously considering occupying your spare time with HER, your IMPORTANT time working on YOU, and little or NO time dealing with this "BACKTRACK BABE."

Based on the vibe I get from your post, this backtrack babe could derail you back into the quicksand of ONEitis again. And sure, you COULD always run the revenge fukk scenario on her, but again, this is a dangerous mission for you to attempt if you still have genuine feelings for this girl. So I would NOT advise this tactic. Besides, you've already proven for YOURSELF that the best revenge is moving on and living well, haven't you?

I suggest you continue to move in directions that better your life, your career, your friendships, and your NEWER relationships without the baggage of having exhibited past AFC behaviors.

It's often difficult to fully recover from an attack of AFCitis because the woman who has witnessed you having fallen prey to this will ALWAYS remember your days of shortcoming.

And for the typical woman, this is a perfect excuse for them to shyt test you mercilessly from now on just to check your balls. And who needs THAT kind of bullshyt in their lives if they have an opportunity to explore newer options with babes who DO NOT have an already ingrained, NEGATIVE bias towards you?

Ask yourself: Is this BACKTRACK BABE worth this risk?

The choice is yours, my friend.




Peace...one day.