Warning signs?

[kandyass]

Hi all,
wondering what you guys think about this...have been in an LTR for a couple of years now (although we have broken up a few times since) but recently, say last few months, the g/f has not been interested in sex much at all and is definitely not initiating. She is happy for me to climb on board and do my thing but just doesn't seem that enthusiastic.

I'll admit I've been AFC as hell to her recently, but there is an extenuating circumstance...she came down with pretty full-on depression about a year ago...we split up, I found this site, was blown away and had my whole perception of women/relationships turned around...so became a RAFC, dumped her and cut all contact. She asked to get back with me...and my AFC ways re-asserted themselves.

Problem is, and I may be totally totally missing the point here, but how do you distinguish being AFC from being a supportive partner to someone who has depression..?

I kinda feel its important to not be AFC in an LTR and to DJ as much as possible within that...getting the vibe that she is getting bored with the me ( she is a high achiever and has a lot of respect for fellow high-ahcievers' and is constantly pushing me to do more -I'm more laid back) and wondering if the lack of interest in sex is a sign of that or a result of the depression..?

Heavy questions, I know, but some feedback would be great.

 

[joekerr31]

afc = disregarding your own needs.

let me tell you somethign dude, if a chic just let me climb on board i wouldn't even bother. its gotta be a two way activity for it to be enjoyable.

i can appreciate her having depression, but understand something, chics don't repay you for sticking by their side through a rocky patch in life.

what they do is lean on you, get back on their feet, and when they are strong enough they cut you out of their life.

my advice to you is to say to something like :

"listen honey, i really care about you and i want this to work, but this isn't working. I'm not feeling loved in this relationship anymore, and i need to know what you want from this. I realize you are depressed, but I still need where you stand on our relationship"

anything other than something like "i still love you. i'm just very mixed up right now." and you half to next her.

its not about her, this is about you and your needs. If she can't meet those needs, and there is no sign that she will be able to in the future, you have to move on for your own sake.

this is one of the WORSE type of situations a man can get into. your natural reaction is to protect her, help her, fix her, etc. While you are doing that she's busy thinking about how she's not happy with life (and you are part of that life). One day she walks up and tells you she can't do this anymore and its over.

i'd love to be able to say "do the right thing" and sacrifice anything to help her. but the best advice, and the "right" thing to do, is to protect yourself in all this. and that means putting it to her squarely that you want to know where she stands. and anything other than a crystal clear answer won't do. depression doesn't mean you stop loving someone, so an "i dont know" answer isnt her depression talking.

J

 

[kandyass]

Thanks man,
that was good stuff. Yeah, I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this and have been burnt before in a similar stiuation in the way you described. What you said about looking after my own interests really hit home. Can't deny the 'Ouch!' factor in what you said, but I think its time to get out of the AFC mindset. Much appreciated.

 

[Wyldfire]

If you are attempting to have a successful LTR you must NOT follow most of the advice you'll be given here. The same methods used to attract a woman and keep their interest early on will destroy a long term relationship quickly.

Here is an easy way for you to understand why you have to adjust things in a LTR....

Just as you need sex to be fulfilled and happy in a realtionship a woman also need to feel loved and believe that you and her are developing things to a deeper emotional level. A woman NEEDS that in a relationship or she will not be happy or fulfilled. If she's not happy and fulfilled she will test you non-stop to force you to give her attention and by the time you realize things are going south the damage will have been done. She'll stop caring and dump you eventually.

When you are in a relationship all you need to do is respect yourself as much as you do the woman, don't allow yourself to be treated badly, don't treat her badly, make sure she feels loved and like things are progressing at least a little bit, be dependable without becoming too predictable and don't be needy or clingy. If you focus on those things while ALWAYS respecting yourself too much to let yourself be treated badly you'll find LTRs so much easier to have.

 

[joekerr31]

wyldfire,

i like your posts. but ill add somethign to the last one.

the key in relationship is open communication. and that goes for both sides.

so in my opinion if a woman cant come right out and say "honey, i really don't feel like you care about me the way you use to." but rather initiations a string of non-stop tests, then boot her *ss to the street.

there is this HUGE double standard, that men are expected to be upfront and honest, but that women can sh*t test you endlessly and there is nothing wrong with that.

i continue to urge all men to:

1) be able to be happy and content with your life with OR without a woman
2) if your woman has stopped communicating openly with you and has turned to sh*t tests to try and force you to behave the way she wants. NEXT her.

hey, i'll bend over backwards to help my family, friend, and yes, my girl. but people who are shady, and sh*t tests are shady if you ask me, have no place in my life.

J

 

[Wyldfire]

joekerr...women don't communicate like men. Most of the time women don't even know how to put exactly what they feel into words (most women at least). That's why they "show you what it feels like" and instigate senseless and nonsense fights about nothing when they are upset about something else.

If you're going to play with females you're going to have to accept the way they are...and this communication difference is a very big thing that isn't going to change. You'd be far better off learning to understand the way women communicate than trying to change the way they communicate.

 

[joekerr31]

wyld, whats up with you today. you're spewing bad advice at every turn.

you just said "listen guys, don't expect your woman to be honest or forthright with you. thats not woman's style. so you better learn to be psychic and know that when she says x she means y, even though she doesnt know thats what she means."

:crackup:

plus, i strongly disagree with what you've said. ive been with women who do know how to communicate and are honest with their feelings. they do exist.

and every man out there shoudl continue to NEXT the women who can't communicate until they find one who can.

i mean come on, women are not children! if your telling me that a grown adult woman is incapable of being straight forward in her views and feelings and in their expression, im sorry, but thats just sad.
J

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by joekerr31
wyld, whats up with you today. you're spewing bad advice at every turn.

you just said "listen guys, don't expect your woman to be honest or forthright with you. thats not woman's style. so you better learn to be psychic and know that when she says x she means y, even though she doesnt know thats what she means."

:crackup:

plus, i strongly disagree with what you've said. ive been with women who do know how to communicate and are honest with their feelings. they do exist.

and every man out there shoudl continue to NEXT the women who can't communicate until they find one who can.

i mean come on, women are not children! if your telling me that a grown adult woman is incapable of being straight forward in her views and feelings and in their expression, im sorry, but thats just sad.
J

I never give bad advice. I give damn good advice based on the information posted.

Women don't communicate like men in general. There are only a few women who are really able to communicate in the way men do. I know this because I am one of those rare women who does communicate like a man. That's why I have always gotten along much better with men, too, because most women annoy me to no end because of the way they communicate.

If you're really adamant about holding out only for a woman who communicates in the same way you do I wouldn't hold your breath...they are few and far between. Women are emotional and reactive and that's how they communicate. You demanding that women not communicate like women to suit you is no different than a woman demanding that men love shoe shopping and prefer to cuddle instead of having sex. Pretty unrealistic and not too likely to find...

 

[joekerr31]

haha.

guys, are you reading this?


to summarize wildfire's response:

"women have the upper hand because their nuts. so you better get use to dealing with a womans mood swings and irrational behavior. put up with this or you won't be able to keep her".

wild - SHE IS NOT THE PRIZE! I AM!

if you want to be in my life, I expect mature, honest communication. if you can't provide that then the only use you are to me is as a sex toy.

wild, no offense, but the advice you are dishing out here today is encouraging guys NOT to see themselves as the PRIZE and to put up with bullsh*t childish behavior.

guys following your advice today are goign to end up 40, divorced and thinking that all women are immature b*tches.

guys, don't listen to this crap. there are good mature women out there who know what they want and are dying for a guy who knows what he wants and is looking for an honest relationship without all the unhealthy drama.

and i think every divorced man in america will tell you, better to have no woman than the type of woman Wildfire is suggesting you settle for.

J