Waiting on her...

[Santos]

Well for those who haven't been following my story. I met this girl 3 months ago, asked her on our first date two weeks ago. She has a BF, but continues to go on dates with me.

Well she confessed to me yesterday that she "likes me more than she should". Before she confessed she started complaining about her BF and how she wanted to break up with him. So I told her straight that I wasn't comfortable just being friends, and I want something more. But she has a BF.

She really likes me, but unfortunately, she's confused. She doesn't want to string me along and doesn't want to hurt her BF. It sounds like she is ready to dump him, but I don't want to push the situation.

Every time I meet a new woman, I get a little further. I've never had a serious relationship, but I am progressing closer and closer. Each time it doesn't work out, it hurts me because I feel I have lost something "special". But I know it only feels special because this is the FURTHEREST I have come in my dating life. So the pain will heal, and I will move on, much wiser. I've learned a lot about being a DJ this year.

I want to thank the DJ's here for helping me out. I have made a lot LESS AFC moves with this girl. I have opened up to her more than any other woman I've met. She is the first woman I have been able to talk about sex with. She is the first girl I've asked out on a real date too. I have used more kino than I'm used to. My confidence is increasing, and it's thanks to the help I get here.

She really likes me because of things like C & F and neg-hits. She has even said to me how she wishes we had met at another time.

She sent me a text message today to call her (at around 2:30), I only got back to her about 19.30. Turns out she was at my uni for a course and wanted to have coffee. I kept the conversation short, it did feel akward. But I ended it before we had any uncomfortable silences.

So I feel crap. I like this girl, and I hope she chooses to go out with me. If my worst fears are realised, she will choose to stay with her BF (they are going to his prom tomorrow night). I'm dying to call her and arrange something, but I know I musn't. She must make the first move.

I don't date much, but I'll have no choice if this doesn't work out. I'm not at the top of my game at the moment. But if this doesn't work out, the pain will slowly dissappear and I will meet someone new. I'll be sure to create the impression that she doesn't have much time before some other woman snags me.

This will hurt a lot guys if it doesn't work out. But I'd still like to thank you guys because I have learned a lot about women here. I have learned that a true DJ loves women because they are women. Because of all those cool things they do. He learns to respect women and give them what they deserve. He knows that being a challenge is a REWARD to a woman. Give them what they want.

So I will await her, patiently. But she must know my worth and that I'm not available for ever.

Thanks again!
Santos

 

[Bungo Pony]

I have learned that a true DJ loves women because they are women. Because of all those cool things they do. He learns to respect women and give them what they deserve. He knows that being a challenge is a REWARD to a woman.

I agree with this.

I'm trying to understand exactly what you're doing though. Have you actually told her that you're not going to continue until she makes up her mind, or are you allowing yourself to be dragged along until she makes up her mind? Are you seeing other women, or are you waiting for her to give her word?

Don't waste time that could be spent doing other useful things. You've learned how to handle women, now you must learn how to handle yourself.

 

[Santos]

Originally posted by Bungo Pony

I'm trying to understand exactly what you're doing though. Have you actually told her that you're not going to continue until she makes up her mind, or are you allowing yourself to be dragged along until she makes up her mind? Are you seeing other women, or are you waiting for her to give her word?
.

I've basically let her know that I am not interested in just being friends and I will not do anything with her while she has a BF. I think this weekend will determine what happens between the two of us, she is seeing her BF for his prom. They've planned it for months and she's spent a lot of money on her outfit. Once the prom is over she is not obliged to see him. I hope she will make her mind up by then.

I am kind of being dragged along. I am not seeing other women, because I suck at my approaches at got this ones number by pure luck (she contacted ME). I am kind of waiting for her word.

I don't really like being in the situation that I'm in. But don't know how to get out of it. I guess if after this weekend she's saying things like "I'm going to break up with him soon, I promise" or "I stil haven't made up my mind" then I will tell her that I am not prepared to wait for her to make up her mind, and I'm moving on?

Santos

 

[Bungo Pony]

I am not seeing other women, because I suck at my approaches at got this ones number by pure luck (she contacted ME).

You can only become good at something if you work at it. If you keep on approaching women, you'll eventually get it right and it'll become all too easy. There are a lot of elements to becoming a DJ - this is one of them.

I don't really like being in the situation that I'm in. But don't know how to get out of it.

If you don't like the situation you're in, you're the only one who can get out of it. If you want to get out of it and put an end to all this 5hit, cut all contact with this girl. This will end the bull5hit sooner than any other way. The heartache will take a bit more time. You're giving her the satisfaction of having a boyfriend and a guy on the side at the expense of your emotions. Quit buying into her crap and move on with your life.

 

[Santos]

Originally posted by Bungo Pony
If you don't like the situation you're in, you're the only one who can get out of it. If you want to get out of it and put an end to all this 5hit, cut all contact with this girl. This will end the bull5hit sooner than any other way...(cut)...you're giving her the satisfaction of having a boyfriend and a guy on the side at the expense of your emotions. Quit buying into her crap and move on with your life. [/B]

Ok, but what if she's really interested? I am certain that she does like me, but she's only known me for two weeks. I am thinking I will not make any moves until she does.

I feel crap, but I'm going to have a think about this. I hope I can convince myself to try and go do some approaches. Hard when I'm feeling down, though.

Becoming a DJ is quite a painful experience, but I hope I will reach my euphoria soon.

Thanks
Santos

 

[Bungo Pony]

Okay, I've just ended my own confusion. I thought you were seeing her for 3 months, but you asked her out 2 weeks ago. I misread the first post

This is just telling me that you've been thinking about her for 3 months.

This is the type of girl that's good to put on the backburner while you chase some more tail. Unfortunately, you've allowed yourself to become emotionally attached to her even though she hasn't committed herself fully to you. You knew this but allowed yourself to continue dwelling on her.

However, I still stick to what I said earlier. Cut off all contact with her. You need to stop the emotional torture you're putting yourself through. She might like you. She might dump her bf after his prom. All the while she'll keep leading you on by telling you how much she likes you.

Even if she ditches her bf for you, she'll most likely end up doing the same thing to you. She'll ditch you for some other guy.

 

[iqqi]

if you are really emotionally involved, then yeah, the ball is in her court. but if it makes you feel better i bet that while she is with him she'll be thinking of you.

still, that doesn't make it right. if she doesn't call you and she keeps up with the "i don't know because i'm stupid", then put her ass on the backburner! diss her, because she deserves it. just be colder towards her. then she'll KNOW she fcuked up.

 

[TesuqueRed]

2 weeks? Whoa! Slow down. Gotta work on that emotional control. You're just acquaintances here. I know---those hormones are unreal!--that's what's clouding your mind, I think.

Anyway--I think the advice on telling her that you want more but won't take her with a BF is nearly there, but something's not right about it to me.

2 things, I think....

1) It's a nicer form of ultimatum, but still an ultimatum. These things tend not to work.

2) You're letting her know she's got you already, as in You DO want her, and you WOULD take her except...etc. Her questions are answered--she COULD have you IF she wanted = no challenge, NEXT!

I'd suggest a slight adjustment to that approach above. We've been seeing LJBF'ing women lately on the boards, and this would probably be a good time to practice it.

LJBF her--keep it short and simple, no explanations or long discussions of possibilities (yikes!) or any such thing, just keep it upbeat and fun, like when you tease her, right?

No ultimatum. The ultimatum, if you can call it that, is that if she wants you, she'll have to do the arranging. They're better at it anyway. You can't lean on her to do this, she'll do the arranging of it if she wants.

In the meantime, limit access to yourself, cut back on the special attention, be friends, talk to other women and give them the attention she used to get.

 

[iqqi]

santos, listen to TesqueRed.

He's my hero

 

[Jay26]

I am not seeing other women, because I suck at my approaches at got this ones number by pure luck (she contacted ME). I am kind of waiting for her word.

And here in lies your problem and the solution, your only so into this girl because you have no other options, you gotta fine tune your DJ skills, tune some other girls and then the power will be at least partly in your hands, while at the moment she holds all the cards, and that sucks.

 

[mitraz]

I seriously doubt that she will make up her mind anytime soon.

If she is unhappy with the BF then why does she not just dump him?

I suspect that you dont have all the facts here. Is she hiding something? It is very possible.

I would LJBF her for awhile and await her next move.

 

[Santos]

Originally posted by TesuqueRed
LJBF her--keep it short and simple, no explanations or long discussions of possibilities (yikes!) or any such thing, just keep it upbeat and fun, like when you tease her, right?

I like the idea, but does it work? I've LJBFed a girl (my previous one-itis) before and I ended up regretting it, I hoped it would make her chase me but she lost interest. Well, maybe she never was interested.

I suppose the idea is that if she wants me, seeing me with other women will kill her and she will come for me?

I know I need to keep my distance now, it's so damn hard though. I was thinking - since her best friend asked me if I like this girl (before all this new information on her "liking me too much" came to light). I know her best freind will go and give a "general impression" of anything I say to her. So should I do this:

call her/text her best friend . Since Chantal knows I like her and would go out with her if she was single (oops ) I will tell her best friend how I do like Chantal but I don't want to sit around waiting for her and I am going to go and date other people. or "Do you think it would upset Chantal if I dated other people?"

Her best friend will then go and vomit all I've said to Chantal, causing her to panic that she might lose me. Of course it would be great to go get another numbers, and practice approaches, but my time is limited and it will take some time before I'm daing more ppl.

TesuqueRed, I know you'll give your honest opinion to my idea. You have a lot of posts to your name and you know what you're talking about, I'm sure.

So I LJBF her, and then go practice approaches and start dating other women. Then I can ask her for advice with these women ?

That's a lot of work, and I was looking for a stratergy that would help me land Chantal, not make her a "possibilty". I guess what you are saying is "There is no stratergy"?

She DOES like me, that I'm sure of. But she likes her BF too. DAMN IT! LOL, I always land up in the worst situations.

In the perfect world, I could be this girls friend without feeling any attraction. We have spoken about so much and spent many hours together, we have a great time. She says "she likes me more than she should." What happens if she LJBF me first?

Thanks!
Santos

 

[iqqi]

that is the point, dear santos. you ljbf her first

 

[Santos]

Originally posted by iqqi
that is the point, dear santos. you ljbf her first

Ok, when do I do it? She is probablly with her BF today and tonight for his prom. She might call me tonight to wish me happy birthday for tomorrow, I hope she doesn't think that's a good time to LJBF me.

I'm thinking tomorrow during the day sometime, I will call her up but how do I put it in words?

 

[bp1974]

Santos, you seem to have a real problem with verbal inactivity. It's all about what you do, not what you say. You need to SHOW HER that you are moving on, not as a trick to make her come running, but because YOU ARE moving on.

You can't control people with words or anything else. Telling things to her best friend hoping for some desired effect is lame. IF THIS GIRL'S GOING TO LEAVE HER BF, SHE'LL DO IT IN HER OWN TIME, AND NOTHING YOU SAY TO EHR OR ANYONE ELSE WILL CHANGE THIS.

You need to start doing more, and talking less. And by doing more, I mean doing more of NOT calling her, NOT seeing her, NOT texting her. In fact more of NOT doing anything to do with her, and more of everything else. You LJBF someone with actions, not just words.

bp1974

 

[bp1974]

My last post was a little harsh, and I hear that you're hurting right now.

It's like you feel a need to do something all the time, always think about what to do next, when to call her etc. I wonder if this is a way of avoiding what you're feeling now and keeping hope alive?

It's a sh*tty situation and I feel for you, but you are only making things worse for yourself by dragging it out the way you have done the last few days.

bp1974

 

[OddTech]

Originally posted by bp1974
It's a sh*tty situation and I feel for you, but you are only making things worse for yourself by dragging it out the way you have done the last few days.

Bingo, you're having "analysis paralysis." Go do something else to get your mind off this. You're giving this girl WAY too much power and control over you. And if you continue with this, you'll be miserable for a long time to come.

 

[vdk]

Santos you need to be strong. You're 21 and still young. Its not like you are gonna grow old and ugly anytime soon. At this stage we should be 'experimenting', dating many women and not afraid to cancel a relationship in persuit of a better one. Like the other DJ's on the board said: LJBF her. Even better ask her friends out on dates but dont tell her. Let her find out from her friends how wonderful you are in bed!

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by bp1974
My last post was a little harsh, and I hear that you're hurting right now.

Not quite harsh, bp, it was pretty good.

You were speaking directly and little bluntly. This feels harsh but it really isn't. Your "writing voice" is direct and doesn't have any equivocations or "make nice" phrases--so it comes off as strong--kinda like a "lower the shot gun and fire of both barrells"--which can be taken as "harsh".

But it isn't. You're just responding honestly and with more value than the "I feel for ya dude, hang in there!" posts.

Sometimes you'll get jumped on for it and just have to take it. More often you add more to the discussion. Getting jumped on is no fun, but firing off what you really think and saying what's needed to be said--and then having people carry it further--is worth it.

Again, if it was harsh, something in the post prompted this reply out of you and was probably req'd.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Haven't done this in awhile...

For the record--bp nailed it above. I'm just going to enjoy hearing myself talk with the following. Y'all can skip it if you don't enjoy hearing me talk as much as I do ...

Originally posted by Santos
I like the idea, but does it work?

Define "work"--like are you asking "will this get me guaranteed results for the one result that I want?" type of "work"???

No.

And I think what you want (and the only thing you want) is to get her into a LTR with you.

She has a BF and probably knows that she can get you w/o too much effort. Our (most of us here) read on the situation? Odds are slim that you'll get her.....

.... but you have a couple of cards in your hand. You'll have to bluff, and bluff for real.

---Uh, bluffing for real means that it's no bluff--you do it and you mean it (like if you pull a gun you have to be willing to use it, otherwise don't pull it, capiche?)

So, no guarantees. You have a couple of so-so cards in your hand, the game isn't lost, and you'll have to bluff for real. Continue as you are and you probably won't get her (I don't think you will).

So take the best long shot you got and LJBF her.

Odds are it won't work. These are the best and most realistic odds you have, IMO. Others will advise using perseverance and they will have a point that I can't shoot down.

LJBFing works for me, perseverance doesn't. It's the opposite for others.

As for you, though, we're detecting one-itis. Screw it whether you get her or not, we want to see you get some strength and independence, lay it on the line and be able and willing to walk away with every expectation that you are walking away. Kill that one-itis urge now and everytime it comes up in the future. Perseverance is often what an AFC tells himself while hanging himself with it (..."this is my rope, my rope is good for me, my rope is good for me as I put it around my neck, it is good for me as I step off..." anyway...)

I've LJBFed a girl (my previous one-itis) before and I ended up regretting it, I hoped it would make her chase me but she lost interest. Well, maybe she never was interested.

Truer words were never said....

Like what I said about wanting a guarantee for getting that one result. Odds are slim--RECOGNIZE THAT, LAUGH, AND GO FOR IT ANYWAY--that's the attitude you have to have. But if you want a guarantee for only one outcome, you will be desperate and she will smell the power she has and will use it to cut off your balls.

I shyt you not. Power is power, no one gives it up easily or willingly.

I suppose the idea is that if she wants me, seeing me with other women will kill her and she will come for me?

Wishful thinking. You're working on that guarantee-for-one outcome thing -- I can smell it -- although you're getting real close to getting the idea behind it.

In short, yes, she'll realize you are independent and going for what you want, whether it's her or someone else. She has one window here to make a move and put in her bid for it being her and not someone else.

Don't be deceived by her first move, though. If you were an AFC with her before, her first move will be to jerk your chain like before ("my BF mistreats me, I wish I had SOMEONE <hint! hint! hint!> who treated me nice, I would leave in a heartbeat!" while staying with said BF and getting you to wait on her..)

If you are, in fact, hooking up with others and she knows you can and will go for the best offer, she might put in her best bid.

It's just that your wishful thinking will mistake anything from her as her best bid when you should really look sideways at anything from her. That's what we're seeing here.

I know I need to keep my distance now, it's so damn hard though. I was thinking - since her best friend asked me if I like this girl (before all this new information on her "liking me too much" came to light). I know her best freind will go and give a "general impression" of anything I say to her. So should I do this:

call her/text her best friend . Since Chantal knows I like her and would go out with her if she was single (oops ) I will tell her best friend how I do like Chantal but I don't want to sit around waiting for her and I am going to go and date other people. or "Do you think it would upset Chantal if I dated other people?"

Her best friend will then go and vomit all I've said to Chantal, causing her to panic that she might lose me. Of course it would be great to go get another numbers, and practice approaches, but my time is limited and it will take some time before I'm daing more ppl.

This reminds me of those cartoon contraptions from Wallace and Grommit where someone hits a marble that rolls and hits a lever that moves a rubberband that snaps a clothes pin that releases an arrow that hits a target that rotates a----and eggs for breakfast are made in the end.

Try it.

If she's stupid and easily manipulated, it will work. And I mean Stupid!

Most likely the friend will see thru it before you're half finished, Chantal will see thru it before the friend even begins to repeat it, and this will only confirm that she has you like yesterday and can play better than you, too.

The hole under your feet just gets deeper.

Or if the friend is stupid or doesn't repeat it like a good little girl (and she stopped being a good little girl around age 8 or so...) then you'll just come off as weird and odd and will scare them off.

TesuqueRed, I know you'll give your honest opinion to my idea. You have a lot of posts to your name and you know what you're talking about, I'm sure.

No I won't, I'm a wh0re and I make shyt up. Anyone will tell you that...

So I LJBF her, and then go practice approaches and start dating other women. Then I can ask her for advice with these women ?

Yes--approach others.
Yes--date others.
No--never ask her advice about your other pseudo-dates in the hopes of out-playing her.

As my brother says, "money talks, bullshyt walks..." -- or, another saying he uses "nothing stands up against the real thing." (he gets these from movies..) Which is to say--if and when you get it, or be the real thing, you don't have to ask her about dating or hint that you're seeing others or anything. You don't have to say a word--she will smell it on you and will react.

No games--you have it or you don't. If you don't, act like you have it and you'll eventually figure it out and will have it.

That's a lot of work, and I was looking for a stratergy that would help me land Chantal, not make her a "possibilty".

i.e. you are looking for a "guarantee" or the easy way for that one outcome you're looking for.

Re-read bp. You have and will get no such thing.

I guess what you are saying is "There is no stratergy"?

There is no guarantee.

She DOES like me, that I'm sure of. But she likes her BF too. DAMN IT! LOL, I always land up in the worst situations.

Repeatiing mistakes. Learn from it or continue repeating it untill you do. This has to be a gut level learning, not an intellectual one. You'll only know if you moved on if you see what you would've fallen for before but it seems so high-schoolish by comparison to where you are now.

[/B]In the perfect world, I could be this girls friend without feeling any attraction. We have spoken about so much and spent many hours together, we have a great time. She says "she likes me more than she should." What happens if she LJBF me first?[/B]

I had an earlier post on this, as did others--if she LJBF's you first, you have 5 seconds to give a sigh of relief and tell her that you agree with this completely. Look it up--more was said on it there.

Thanks!
Santos

In short--this is a one-itis. By definition--leave the scene! LJBF her for your best shot (low odds of it working) -- so LJBF her for practice and for your only shot at your own mental health!

No shyt.