virgin - worth my time?

[thirtyzDude]

Just trying to get an outside opinion here: I'm a somewhat experienced guy in his lower thirty's. I've been with virgins and non-virgins. I want a relationship, and am willing to wait for sex, to a point. A relationship is not complete to me until that happens. So I've been dating this girl from work for a few months now. (she's in her late 20s) When we first started going out she was very standoffish (she pulled away the first time I tried to kiss her - after several dates). Even after we started messing around (making out, taking her top off), it was still pretty sporadic. We've been spending all of our time together and it started feeling like we had completely bypassed the "can't keep our hands off each other" phase and gone directly to the comfortable, sexless relationship. Yikes, I was thinking to myself. Lately we had the sex talk. I expressed my concerns about the lack of passion and so forth. She told me that she was getting more attracted to me as she got to know me. Ok... She also admitted she was waiting for marriage. I asked her if she really believed that I would be ok with that, since she knew I had been with other women. She shrugged. She ended up getting a little defensive and said she wouldn't have sex with me. I told her I wanted the whole package - she replied that maybe I should go find that. At that point I almost ended it right there, but she pulled me back in and said how much she really liked me and would work on the whole passion thing. She told me that things would get more "hot and heavy" as she got to know me better. I was still unconvinced - she prodded me to tell her what was on my mind and I told her, honestly, that I wished she hadn't told me she wouldn't have sex with me. She then said she wanted to rephrase that; down the road if we were both ready it could happen. I told her I was ok with not having sex right now; I just wanted the progression. She said that would happen. So I'm just trying to figure out if I'm being played, or placated, or whatever. We've been fooling around a lot more since the talk, so I can tell she's trying, but I don't know if that's enough. Dry humping is boring. I'd feel a lot better if she was playing with my d**k, but it still seems too soon....ok, this was a really friggin' long post, thanks for your patience. Any thoughts?

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Why isn't your age listed?

Are you an old member here posting with a new account?

I wouldn't think she was worth my time, but then again, I would be ok with her not wanting sex, because I would be busy getting azz somewhere else in the mean time, until she was ready, so waiting wouldn't be an issue with a virgin.

Now it seems like she had the understanding that you two were exclusive to eachother, which was your main mistake, if you agreed to that arrangement. If you agreed to not see anyone else, just for the hopes of laying her, then you deserve the anxiety you are brining upon yourself.

 

[vitor]

Do you want to marry this chick? Or date her for 6 months not have sex with her and then find out you do not want to marry her? She sucks move on...

 

[MatureDJ]

Dry humping can be very nice. Sure beats knocking up some chick you don't want to marry. :nono:

 

[Juando]

You entered the life-is-too-short dept already; not saying you won't get laid but this is now a project that does not sound like fun, sounds like high school.

If she was a woman and into you she might have given you a simpler version of the I'm not ready to fukk speech earlier on, then fukked you right after that.

 

[blueblue]

rep

Thirtyz,

If what you are saying is true then this may be what’s going on:

1: Yes, she’s into to you big time.
2: She knew that this day would come and up to know didn’t realize how hard it would be.
3: She is struggling with the issue.
4: She is fridge/ psyco and her actions are how she deals with this situation.

Understand that:

1: You can’t change people or make them do something against their will.
2: You have to determine if you respect her decision.
3: If this is a quality chick and you want to stay, then it will take some effort on your part to REALLY understand what the F you are dealing with. (Think of it this way: This will be good practice for other chicks in your life. The things worth having are not easily gained……..you can get the “P” anytime and for FREE without hardly any effort)

 

[thirtyzDude]

pros and cons

yeah, I've done the "pros and cons" list, and they're neck and neck. (not just because of the sex, but because of other personality issues she has). I really want to make sure I don't regret things if I do end up breaking up with her, but at the same time I do feel myself turning a little bit cold. Arrghhh.

 

[MightyMate]

I never do virgins.

 

[Colossus]

ThirtyzDude-

In my opinion, unless you are REALLY feeling her, the sex you might eventually get is not going to be worth the wait. Think about all the ensuing frustration, blue balls, and gravitating towards other women that could result from this.

You say she's in her late twenties. Chances are, if she's made it this long without putting out, she isnt likely to unless she is married or is getting married. Yeah you guys might progress to handjobs or maybe oral, but even that will get frustrating because you just want to bang her. Me personally, if I am into a chick there has to be sex. Not right away, but i can sure as schnitzel tell you I wouldnt wait more than a month or so.

So it's up to you. Are you into her enough to wait? Do you think this is the best use of your time? What if it turns out she's not that into sex or physical passion? Girls like this exist, and they suck. Just things to consider...

 

[thirtyzDude]

stupid question

ok, so maybe this is a stupid question, but does wanting a sexual relationship (even if it is "eventually") make me a scumbag? (lots of women out there would have you believe that) Ok, some backstory - I was dating this virgin a while back; we started having sex one day then she put on the brakes because she got freaked out or whatever. So I pulled the cold shoulder trick and told her I didn't feel like fooling around when I knew there was this rift between us. The very next day we had sex. I have to admit I still feel kinda bad about that; I manipulated her into it. I wonder though if that's just man's nature - we do whatever it takes to get into the panties? And everyone's ok with that?

 

[vitor]

Thirtyz You did the right thing. There was a rift bewteen us, you started having sex and she freaked out and had you stop. You were a gentleman and stopped and did not rape her or anything. She realized her mistake and gave it up. I assume she enjoyed herself later on..

 

[PeeGee]

I never do virgins.

Agreed. Even when I was a virgin. This is precisely why. Let some other schmuck deflower her and then maybe she might not be a prude.

 

[Mr. Me]

You're wasting your time with her.

The fire wasn't there to begin with: "she pulled away the first time I tried to kiss her"

Her warming up to you since is lukewarm. The chemistry isn't there for her. It never will be. This will be a relationship of convenience, unless and until some guy comes along that makes her heart throb. It's not going to get better suddenly after marriage where now she's gonna crawl all over you hot and heavy like.

Yes, you're being placated. You're probably her only option right now and that's why she's trying to keep you hanging. That's why she tries to reel you back in with promises of a great sexual future, maybe, some day, down the road, perhaps. When you "both" are ready (she never will be, which she'll remind you when you bring it up). That's why she wants to know "what you're thinking" so that she can tailor her response to appease you and keep you on the hook.

Find a girl that desires to make out with you at the end of the first date. Start with someone who has higher attraction to you rather then low interest.

 

[thirtyzDude]

she did enjoy it

vitor - yeah she did enjoy it, to the point where she was complaining that we weren't having sex enough...the only issue with her is that the sex wasn't all that great. I fell into the trap of always trying to please her (which took about 30+ minutes) and not just trying to enjoy it even if it meant she didn't always get off. There were other issues too...

Mr Me - one other piece of information, not sure it changes anything, but this girl I'm currently dating is Indian and hasn't really had a serious relationship. So there may be cultural/religious issues there as well?

 

[Colossus]

Mr Me - one other piece of information, not sure it changes anything, but this girl I'm currently dating is Indian and hasn't really had a serious relationship. So there may be cultural/religious issues there as well?

Interesting you mentioned that.

Indian women tend to be prude sexually. Their culture deals with sex much differently than western culture.

I think you are wasting your time. If things havent gotten hot by now, they arent going to.

 

[EvilAgenda]

Tough call thirtyz. You can read opinions of others here,,and hopefully they'll be helpful to you. But it's you who will have to decide what to do in the end.

 

[thirtyzDude]

thanks...

appreciate the input...I think my main concerns are:

1) do I want to marry this girl? If I do, then waiting for a while isn't bad, but

2) if we do end up getting married, is the sex (and regularity thereof) going to be an ongoing issue? That's why I'd rather have sex before we get married, to make sure.

3) Is this girl looking at me as marriage material, or just someone to date for a while? If the latter, then I definitely don't want to waste my time.

4) how do I keep the physical stuff fresh and exciting so I don't get bored and just stop trying altogether?

 

[thirtyzDude]

less than two weeks later...

and not much has changed...the passion has dwindled, especially as I realize that not much is going to happen when we "fool around." The other day we were in the store and I went to give her a hug - she stopped me and told me I was embarrassing her. It threw me for a loop; she used to do that more when we first started dating, but I had thought that was over. Last night I went to put my arm over her in bed and she pushed me away - maybe it was just a comfort thing but I don't know. Everything just feels so wrong and I can't get myself to warm up to her. I had so wanted a relationship of "significance," and thought that I could/should wait for things to turn around, but maybe this is not it. Anything I can do?