video: The Shame of Adult Virgins and their Identity Crisis

[MatureDJ]

 

[corrector]

My ex wife took care of that. Now its shame of divorce.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I would assume there are very few adult male virgins over 25.

 

[corrector]

I just watched most of the video and it does make some good advice. Its a must watch for @BergischerLöwe and @needimprovement250. It has some good cognitive reframing aspects that are covered and is generally a good content video for younger incels/nearcels that are not yet collapsing under the weight of real life and are generally priviledged or sheltered.

 

[Mike32ct]

I would assume there are very few adult male virgins over 25.

Used to be ballpark 3 to 6 percent of guys. Likely higher now.

 

[corrector]

Used to be ballpark 3 to 6 percent of guys. Likely higher now.

Way higher. You are gen X stats which would predate the toxic dating market because it was before swipe apps and Metoo. Gen Z sounds like at least quadruplen that amount. They also have it way easier to juat give up because of hyper realistic entertainment and gaming options compared to our generation where that was more limited and primitive and slower.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Way higher. You are gen X stats which would predate the toxic dating market because it was before swipe apps and Metoo. Gen Z sounds like at least quadruplen that amount. They also have it way easier to juat give up because of hyper realistic entertainment and gaming options compared to our generation where that was more limited and primitive and slower.

my Gen-Z ex- mostly dated guys her own age. She said I was way more aggressive and horny than any of them. But. She was a pretty low body count. So. This is really just anecdotal.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

I just watched most of the video and it does make some good advice. Its a must watch for @BergischerLöwe and @needimprovement250. It has some good cognitive reframing aspects that are covered and is generally a good content video for younger incels/nearcels that are not yet collapsing under the weight of real life and are generally priviledged or sheltered.

Just watched that whole video. There really is a lot of good information in it, even if what he's talking about isn't necessarily referring to the exact situation I'm in

 

[needimprovement250]

I just watched most of the video and it does make some good advice. Its a must watch for @BergischerLöwe and @needimprovement250. It has some good cognitive reframing aspects that are covered and is generally a good content video for younger incels/nearcels that are not yet collapsing under the weight of real life and are generally priviledged or sheltered.

Thanks for tagging me in this. I watched the video and it was pretty informative and some parts of it were eye opening. Two parts that stood out to me were when he was saying that dating and having sex at milestones such as in high school and college levels up your social skills in regards to dating and women and if you never dated or had sex at those milestones, you never leveled up those social skills and now you’re a level 1 guy who has to compete against other guys who are at least level 5 and that can make it more difficult can put you at a disadvantage. The other one that stood out to me is where he was saying our natural response is to focus on the negative. I’ve caught myself doing this countless times where I’ve watched YouTube videos of people asking random women in public if they would date a virgin, ask questions about how women feel about inexperienced men myself on other sites, or just do web searches about women’s feelings towards inexperienced men and I always gravitate towards the responses where they’re saying they would never date a man with no experience and there’s gotta be something wrong with him. The negative responses receive way more attention from me than the positive ones that say a guy’s experience level wouldn’t matter to them.

 

[needimprovement250]

I think this is a pretty informative video about this topic too. Its from dating coach Nick Notas. I might make a separate thread for this video at some point in the future.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Thanks for tagging me in this. I watched the video and it was pretty informative and some parts of it were eye opening. Two parts that stood out to me were when he was saying that dating and having sex at milestones such as in high school and college levels up your social skills in regards to dating and women and if you never dated or had sex at those milestones, you never leveled up those social skills and now you’re a level 1 guy who has to compete against other guys who are at least level 5 and that can make it more difficult can put you at a disadvantage. The other one that stood out to me is where he was saying our natural response is to focus on the negative. I’ve caught myself doing this countless times where I’ve watched YouTube videos of people asking random women in public if they would date a virgin, ask questions about how women feel about inexperienced men myself on other sites, or just do web searches about women’s feelings towards inexperienced men and I always gravitate towards the responses where they’re saying they would never date a man with no experience and there’s gotta be something wrong with him. The negative responses receive way more attention from me than the positive ones that say a guy’s experience level wouldn’t matter to them.

The bit about not dating in high school is what really hit home for me. Even though I managed to date in college, not dating in high school is one of my biggest regrets to this day.

 

[needimprovement250]

The bit about not dating in high school is what really hit home for me. Even though I managed to date in college, not dating in high school is one of my biggest regrets to this day.

Same here. I even had girls approaching me in high school but since I had such a negative mindset and held the belief that no girl would ever want me no matter what, I unknowingly did not reciprocate any of their approaches and didn’t know how to act when interacting with girls in high school in addition to that. As a result, the girls eventually stopped trying to approach or talk to me since their attempts to get to know me were being shut down and it ended up being a situation where I didn’t talk to any of them because I didn’t know them and didn’t have the confidence to anyway, and none of them talked to me because they didn’t know me and the attempts they made never went anywhere. So then I only talked to other guys at school, which a lot of people thought was weird and were wondering why I never talked to any girls.

As for college, I never went. I went to community college, but the social aspect of that was pretty much nonexistent as you just went to class for lectures and then went home. I later dropped out since I realized that getting your transfer degree in 2 years was a lie since you had to take so many prerequisite classes first. Then I really never came across any girls in any of the jobs I’ve had since then. I really haven’t been around women my age on a regular basis since graduating high school 11 years ago.

 

[Epicwinguy]

I lost my virginity at 28. Not a virgin, but still feel like an incel.

 

[needimprovement250]

I lost my virginity at 28. Not a virgin, but still feel like an incel.

Yeah I know how you feel. Lost mine at 21 to a girl that asked me out and pretty much nothing ever since. I never even meet women these days and haven’t in years.

 

[obelisk]

HealthyGamerGG has some great content actually

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Same here. I even had girls approaching me in high school but since I had such a negative mindset and held the belief that no girl would ever want me no matter what, I unknowingly did not reciprocate any of their approaches and didn’t know how to act when interacting with girls in high school in addition to that. As a result, the girls eventually stopped trying to approach or talk to me since their attempts to get to know me were being shut down and it ended up being a situation where I didn’t talk to any of them because I didn’t know them and didn’t have the confidence to anyway, and none of them talked to me because they didn’t know me and the attempts they made never went anywhere. So then I only talked to other guys at school, which a lot of people thought was weird and were wondering why I never talked to any girls.

As for college, I never went. I went to community college, but the social aspect of that was pretty much nonexistent as you just went to class for lectures and then went home. I later dropped out since I realized that getting your transfer degree in 2 years was a lie since you had to take so many prerequisite classes first. Then I really never came across any girls in any of the jobs I’ve had since then. I really haven’t been around women my age on a regular basis since graduating high school 11 years ago.

I had the same kind of negative mindset back in high school. Here's a quote from a post I made in another thread where I talk about it in detail:

From a social standpoint I was pretty cringe in middle school, especially due to how my ADHD (and the side effects of ADHD medications) affected me back then. Looking back on my middle school experiences I can relate to the feeling of being a social outcast, though people didn't express their thoughts about me as openly as what happened to you as a teenager. In my case people were weirdly artificially nice to me when dealing with me face to face, but I could tell I was being spoken ill of behind my back.

Conversely my high school years were good to me socially except for dating. I played in a band, had a good number of friends, went to parties, smoked weed, played sports, all the stuff that teenagers stereotypically experience. However I never came close to dating in high school. For some reason back then I was absolutely convinced that girls didn't want anything to do with me despite the fact that I was reasonably attractive and semi-popular. I suspect due to the fact that since I had been the weird kid in middle school and had trouble fitting in during my early teenage years, that I still had some kind of lingering self esteem issues stemming from that.

But later in my life I realized that there were in fact girls who liked me when I was in high school, and I was too oblivious and too fearful of my advances potentially failing to even do anything. There's one example that really sticks out in my mind. During my junior year there was this one particular girl who for this era in my life actually would have been a good match for me, and my friends kept telling me that they had a strong feeling that she was into me and that I should start chatting her up and eventually ask her out. I was indeed attracted to her and I trusted the judgment of my friends, but I psyched myself out of doing anything because I had so much self-doubt.

This girl even came to the very first gig of the band I was in at the time, and now that I think about it I get the impression that she was there to see me. After the show would have been a very good opportunity to talk to her, and things would have gone from there, but I never chatted her up that time or any other time. As far as I can remember I don't think I ever had a one-on-one conversation with her. Then a couple months later she started going out with this one guy who was a complete square and far less cool than me. When I found out about that I was so mad, and to this day I still see it as arguably my biggest women-related blunder. I completely brought it on myself, all because I was so inept that I did nothing to actually even try with this girl. That's the most maddening part, that I could have very easily succeeded and I defeated myself and never took any action. Even as I write this I still feel angry at myself about it.

 

[needimprovement250]

I didn't get laid until I was 21, and honestly I was surprised it even happened when it did. I had a LOT of shame and self-hatred because of it.

I lifted to get muscles because that's what gets girls, right? Yeah not quite.

I'm still dealing with those demons at 29 and trying to undo all of those bad mental models.

Yeah I was surprised too when it happened for me, I was the same way with having a lot of shame and self hatred because of it. I used to think that about building muscle as well and learned the hard way to NEVER let women be your motivating factor to build muscle and get in shape. Chances are something with a woman will happen that will lead to disappointment and could cause you to give up on muscle building and then gain weight. That’s what happened to me, I gave up and put on a significant amount of fat. I have since lost the weight again and this time, I wand to build muscle for me and not anybody else. There has also been plenty of guys who get totally jacked and still struggle with women, so it isn’t the be all end all.

I’m trying to undo bad mental models too, the one that I can’t seem to get rid of is thought process that I’m gonna get rejected at every turn because I don’t have that much experience for my age and that women are not gonna be interested in being a 30 year old guy’s first girlfriend and that dating is just gonna be nothing but rejection for me just because I don’t have experience. I’ve been trying for years to get rid of that mindset and I haven’t been successful.

 

[needimprovement250]

I had the same kind of negative mindset back in high school. Here's a quote from a post I made in another thread where I talk about it in detail:

From a social standpoint I was pretty cringe in middle school, especially due to how my ADHD (and the side effects of ADHD medications) affected me back then. Looking back on my middle school experiences I can relate to the feeling of being a social outcast, though people didn't express their thoughts about me as openly as what happened to you as a teenager. In my case people were weirdly artificially nice to me when dealing with me face to face, but I could tell I was being spoken ill of behind my back.

Conversely my high school years were good to me socially except for dating. I played in a band, had a good number of friends, went to parties, smoked weed, played sports, all the stuff that teenagers stereotypically experience. However I never came close to dating in high school. For some reason back then I was absolutely convinced that girls didn't want anything to do with me despite the fact that I was reasonably attractive and semi-popular. I suspect due to the fact that since I had been the weird kid in middle school and had trouble fitting in during my early teenage years, that I still had some kind of lingering self esteem issues stemming from that.

But later in my life I realized that there were in fact girls who liked me when I was in high school, and I was too oblivious and too fearful of my advances potentially failing to even do anything. There's one example that really sticks out in my mind. During my junior year there was this one particular girl who for this era in my life actually would have been a good match for me, and my friends kept telling me that they had a strong feeling that she was into me and that I should start chatting her up and eventually ask her out. I was indeed attracted to her and I trusted the judgment of my friends, but I psyched myself out of doing anything because I had so much self-doubt.

This girl even came to the very first gig of the band I was in at the time, and now that I think about it I get the impression that she was there to see me. After the show would have been a very good opportunity to talk to her, and things would have gone from there, but I never chatted her up that time or any other time. As far as I can remember I don't think I ever had a one-on-one conversation with her. Then a couple months later she started going out with this one guy who was a complete square and far less cool than me. When I found out about that I was so mad, and to this day I still see it as arguably my biggest women-related blunder. I completely brought it on myself, all because I was so inept that I did nothing to actually even try with this girl. That's the most maddening part, that I could have very easily succeeded and I defeated myself and never took any action. Even as I write this I still feel angry at myself about it.

I know exactly how that is. People being artificially nice can be just as bad because you know they’re trashing you when you aren’t around. What people did to me back then definitely hurt, but at least I knew where I stood with them.

I had some good experiences too and a lot of the guys that I was friends with were good people, although there were a few bad ones too. I went to 2 high schools and I did much worse socially at the second high school as I started in the middle of sophomore year and everybody already had their groups and they all knew each other since middle and elementary school as well. I still met people and had some friends, but we never got together outside of school and I also didn’t have a group of friends to spend lunch breaks with, so I always either snuck away and drove off campus for lunch or stayed in and worked on class work I needed to catch up on. I started drinking and smoking weed as often as I could my first year at that second high school because I was depressed about never having had a girlfriend and also because I was failing socially at the school.

I was convinced of that same thing when it came to girls, despite them approaching me and trying to talk to me, and that caused me to act more closed off and they eventually stopped trying. That’s when I got myself into the situation where me and the girls at school just didn’t even associate with each other, which people thought was weird.

I came to the same realization years later as well. I can think of two examples, the first happening at my first high school where this girl who I had been going to school with since elementary was trying to talk to me and be around me as much as possible and I was trying to avoid talking to her and be around her, not because I didn’t like her but because I didn’t have the confidence to interact with her and I thought that there was no way she actually likes me and I didn’t want to get my hopes up. So I eventually work up the courage to talk to her and she invites me to a party at her house over the weekend. So I go and I make an oblivious blunder of my own where I don’t talk to her for more than 30 seconds the whole time I’m at the party and opted to hang out with one of my guy friends instead. This girl never tried to talk to me again after this and officially moved on after that. Then at my second high school, I had two girls walk up to me to clarify their sexual orientation to me because they were holding hands platonically and I was nearby, these girls also tried to talk to me but I didn’t do much to reciprocate because of my mindset. I was to oblivious to realize that if a girl is clarifying her sexual orientation to you, she’s probably interested in you.

It’s maddening for me too and gets me angry as well. That’s like the easiest time in life to date because you can still be living at home with no job or a car and none of it is held against you, in addition to the fact that everyone is new to dating. Now that we’re older, so much more is expected of you and you have to try and date with no experience when most people your age now have plenty of experience and they may not even want to date someone inexperienced.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

I know exactly how that is. People being artificially nice can be just as bad because you know they’re trashing you when you aren’t around. What people did to me back then definitely hurt, but at least I knew where I stood with them.

I had some good experiences too and a lot of the guys that I was friends with were good people, although there were a few bad ones too. I went to 2 high schools and I did much worse socially at the second high school as I started in the middle of sophomore year and everybody already had their groups and they all knew each other since middle and elementary school as well. I still met people and had some friends, but we never got together outside of school and I also didn’t have a group of friends to spend lunch breaks with, so I always either snuck away and drove off campus for lunch or stayed in and worked on class work I needed to catch up on. I started drinking and smoking weed as often as I could my first year at that second high school because I was depressed about never having had a girlfriend and also because I was failing socially at the school.

I was convinced of that same thing when it came to girls, despite them approaching me and trying to talk to me, and that caused me to act more closed off and they eventually stopped trying. That’s when I got myself into the situation where me and the girls at school just didn’t even associate with each other, which people thought was weird.

I came to the same realization years later as well. I can think of two examples, the first happening at my first high school where this girl who I had been going to school with since elementary was trying to talk to me and be around me as much as possible and I was trying to avoid talking to her and be around her, not because I didn’t like her but because I didn’t have the confidence to interact with her and I thought that there was no way she actually likes me and I didn’t want to get my hopes up. So I eventually work up the courage to talk to her and she invites me to a party at her house over the weekend. So I go and I make an oblivious blunder of my own where I don’t talk to her for more than 30 seconds the whole time I’m at the party and opted to hang out with one of my guy friends instead. This girl never tried to talk to me again after this and officially moved on after that. Then at my second high school, I had two girls walk up to me to clarify their sexual orientation to me because they were holding hands platonically and I was nearby, these girls also tried to talk to me but I didn’t do much to reciprocate because of my mindset. I was to oblivious to realize that if a girl is clarifying her sexual orientation to you, she’s probably interested in you.

It’s maddening for me too and gets me angry as well. That’s like the easiest time in life to date because you can still be living at home with no job or a car and none of it is held against you, in addition to the fact that everyone is new to dating. Now that we’re older, so much more is expected of you and you have to try and date with no experience when most people your age now have plenty of experience and they may not even want to date someone inexperienced.

Yeah man back in my high school days I had no idea what opportunities I had. I wasn't ugly, nerdy, or unmasculine by any description, the main reason why I didn't end up dating in high school was because of a morale problem at the end of the day. What I should have done back then was start lifting weights, which would have given me some confidence and improved my looks, and then actually start talking to girls. Looking back there were a few girls I could have gone for, but I was convinced anything I would try to do wouldn't work, and I didn't really have anybody I could talk to or go to for advice on the subject of women. But I can't change the past.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

I really haven’t been around women my age on a regular basis since graduating high school

Neither have I really, I can relate.