Very sad post, but I can't seem to figure a way out of this

[BlueAlpha1]

The more harsh the advice in this case, the better. I read through page one and am pleased to see most people not coddling this guy.

I will say there is nothing wrong with feeling depressed after a breakup or a flake for a few days or a week, but as someone else said YOU are your own worst enemy.

While I have empathy cause I've been there, I have zero sympathy. You need a major overhaul man. You're a classic case of coming here asking for advice, and you're willing to read through pages and pages of crap to find one post where someone is going to give you the magic formula to win her back or "make her chase you."

An abundance mentality doesn't happen over night. I'd recommend quitting your BS job and traveling the world alone for a year. You'll come back a new man. Since you're likely to make a million and one excuses why you can't do this, start with my blog or some Elliot Hulse videos.

Good luck man, you're gonna need it. It was 2 years to get out of this hell for me, but you're even longer than that and still stuck where I was at day one. At some point you have to say ENOUGH

 

[ZTIME]

Ouch!! Let's shed some light little brother! You're 18 days into a thread where you have had some excellent advice from some great pros, yet you choose to do nothing!

You admittedly drink till you're drunk on a nightly basis, which means you're becoming an alcoholic. (booze is a depressant by the way). This type of behavior must give you a hangover the next day meaning you fell like s*it the whole day! Yet you choose to do nothing about it.

You're wishing that you are still boning a married chick with three kids instead of her new dude and not even wondering who was in your shoes while you were fvcking her. Yes, she's a ***** and there will be plenty more guys in your current situation. Will you be driving by her house for the rest of your life wishing you were one of those guys?? That's the path you are on right now. It's your choice.

You see, when you value others more then you value yourself, strange things happen. You tend to do crazy things like you're doing now and asking yourself why ohh why am I doing these things. It's like an addiction that you can't get away from. But you know you have to. So why not start today. Take a different route home...One that doesn't involve ever seeing her?

There are way to many threads like these on SS, and so much info. available on what you need to do, but you continue to make the wrong choices. Who's fault is it?

You know, a while back I was where you are today (3 kids and all...not married though. I believe in Karma.), so I understand exactly where you're coming from. There's one key factor in the difference of our story (so far), I chose to walk away and work on myself, I never looked back.

Trust me when I tell you, It's hard to move forward when you keep looking backward. It's ok to hurt, but inflicting more pain on yourself by drinking and trying to hold on to nothing is not the right path.

Here's a little Buddhist thought for you brother:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

Translation: Let it go, bro. Let it go.

On the road to recovery, says Buddha, every attempt to neurotically navigate exactly what went wrong frustratingly leads to an emotional a cul de sac. However, there are less productive things than going nowhere and that’s going backward. By staying angry or bitter, you are making a decision to be miserable for longer. Allow yourself to feel angry, but don’t continually harp on it. The sooner you drop the coal, the quicker the burning will stop.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Crying his eyes out?

This has gotta be a troll...

 

[SayWhat]

I’m gonna summarize what I have to do.

1: obviously quit the drinking, this is already happening, 3-4 days in the week I touch nothing, the other days is because I’m out with friends and even then it’s not like it used to be. I indeed feel better overall when I don’t drink so compulsively.

2: Just let it go. This of course is the hardest part, but I try too. Accepting it how it is, is hard. I try to think positive thoughts when these negative ones come into my mind. It’s hard for me to understand how to let things go.

3: Find other work. A few posts back I said I’m currently going through a selection procedure and am awaiting that. In the meantime I want to earn some money so I don’t see myself quitting it right now. Also, somewhere I want to keep working there, it’s a good extra earning and I can choose my hours. It also keeps me away from home where I would just keep thinking about it. Should I quit completely to break all ties?

4: Go on with my life. I started a new hobby which I wanted to do for a long time, but money was holding me back, I decided to just go for it.

5: Don’t place women so high on my list. This one is hard too. I still tend to feel the happiest when I know someone loves me or wants to be with me, it is indeed like some said the approval my ego needs and craves. I need to seek this approval within myself, but again this is hard as I don’t really know how to achieve this.

Did I forget anything?

Again thanks guys, I’m going to reread this thread every time stupid thoughts enter my mind.

 

[SayWhat]

I want to keep you guys updated and of course say what has happened as it helps.

I feel better overall, not what it should be, but yeah... Tuesday I had my first lesson for my new hobby, it really feels good and I can't wait till I'm certified to perform it by myself. Tonight the last people in the bar were my ex and her new toyboy, they left and when I got out her car was still there. I was not surprised, but still negative thoughts passed my mind, but like I said, overall it's okay. The 'why him, not me?' still is the most dominant thought, but time does heal.

 

[mikey2012]

Lola Montez..... You dodged a bullet. The husband is a cuckold. There are some women who cast a spell on men and these men end up being ruined. Consider yourself lucky you are rid of her. Staying with her will make your life hell...just look at her husband... Any man with self respect and dignity would have walked away but he can't . Maybe the first time she cheated she told him she wouldn't again but ended up doing again and again. He is ruined by her and so will the next guy . Don't let her ruin you.

 

[SayWhat]

I seem to know I indeed am better off without her.

There is still this one issue I noticed today that is till bothering me and I request your help to get over it.

Every single f*cking day, my ex her name has to come up with customers and my bosses. If it's not "she doesn't work here anymore, why?", it is about her new toyboy and the fact she's still with her husband.

Well today at the end of my shift there was this customer that was talking about that last fact. About her new toyboy and that she is unhappy with her husband, that her husband is bribing her with expensive dinners and buying her a 2000 dollar dog. (the fact he's an ex convict and is still clinging is something I can't understand but o well).

At the beginning of that conversation between him and my boss I didn't feel anything, but I just CAN NOT understand why everybody speaks good of her. I'm not saying her husband is a saint, but it is she who lays her legs open, it is she who cheats, and it is she who in fact is the worst person (yes I'm a hypocrite as well, as I was once a toyboy). Why can nobody sees this? I want to say this to everyone who talks about her in a good way, in a way that her husband is the bad guy and she is 'normal', but in fact it's the other way around.

This happened at the end of my shift, I left 10 minutes early because I just couldn't take it anymore or I would have exploded.

How do I deal with this? I obviously can't tell the customers or my bosses they are this naive and hypocrite, but it's anger that is building up inside me and somehow I have to let it go, I need to tell people this, they need to realize everything that has been said in this thread or about BPD women in general.

Deep down it's of course still this feeling of revenge that I want that everybody leaves her and why I type this, but I want that everyone realizes she's the bad person. But she's so manipulative (she probably doesn't realize this), that everyone forgives her (besides me).

 

[Dante1a]

Thanks for your responses.

I don't know what else I can do to get my sh*t together. Since I found this forum 2,5 years ago, I started going to the gym, do more things of what I love, eliminated a lot of my AFC personality. I recently even invested a lot of money in a hobby I really wanted to do just because of me and not someone else. This just doesn't help, in fact I think I feel ****tier as before.

And yes she was interested in me once, but now she's not anymore and I can't take this. It means I'm not as good as I thought I was, someone else is better and this adds to the fact that all of what I have done, doesn't help.

I don't see what I am doing wrong.

Hey, man. First of all, i sorry to hear about what you're going through. That of thing can hurt.

From my opinion, this is a mental blockage.

You don't need to do anything special, except of heal and do things that make you happy.

I also HIGHLY recommend that you seriously check out EFT (which is a free and easy method of working on powerful emotions to calm them down and work on the deep issues.)

Start with EFT first. You'll better shortly. I promise.

 

[Serenity]

Rather than waste energy either thinking about her or avoiding thinking about her, have you considered the even logical possibility of just engaging in something different?

I'm sure you'll say you can't, but how good of an argument (excuse) is that really? You know you can, there's nothing really stopping you from solving this entire issue except yourself. As long as you tell yourself you can't stop then that will be true.

Say you get your revenge, say everyone leaves her and hates her. What have you gained? The truth is: absolutely nothing! You would have wasted even more time on this worthless piece of sh!t and gained nothing. What about after your revenge is fulfilled? What's left of a good life after spending so much time obsessing about and trying to ruin someone else's?

If it's impossible to stop thinking about then prove yourself wrong, make the impossible possible. It will be hard, it's not supposed to be easy. You may scream in pain and do nothing for a week, but it will pass as it always does. All while you're stumbling around in darkness the clock is ticking, your time is finite as everyone else's. What do you want to spend it on, choose wisely.

If she truly is manipulative and nasty you can be sure people will find out, and given the right people she will be in a world of sh!t. Not a single person I know who I'm sure is a damned liar lives a good life. So let her have her sh!tty life, sh!tty friends, sh!tty husband and let her burn for her poor life decisions.

While she does that you give it all to be awesome and lead a life you are deeply satisfied with, you make the wise decisions whatever those decisions may be. It doesn't matter as long as they lead to satisfaction, not taking those choices will keep your life being sh!tty. Then as you grow and she remains stuck she will take notice. With hard work, patience and persistence in making your life awesome comes your revenge. She will see you flying high while she's still rolling in dirt. She may try going for you and your revenge is you rejecting her hard, let her regret what she did and make her feel the pain she inflicted onto you.

So even if you want the revenge part the conclusion is the same, give it all for things you personally consider worth it. Be it a job, hobby, women, friends or whatever, just something that makes you light up inside. I know I mentioned women in there, and seriously if it makes you insanely happy to chase women then do it. Just be aware enough to stop doing it if it doesn't satisfy you.

 

[mikey2012]

I seem to know I indeed am better off without her.

There is still this one issue I noticed today that is till bothering me and I request your help to get over it.

Every single f*cking day, my ex her name has to come up with customers and my bosses. If it's not "she doesn't work here anymore, why?", it is about her new toyboy and the fact she's still with her husband.

Well today at the end of my shift there was this customer that was talking about that last fact. About her new toyboy and that she is unhappy with her husband, that her husband is bribing her with expensive dinners and buying her a 2000 dollar dog. (the fact he's an ex convict and is still clinging is something I can't understand but o well).

At the beginning of that conversation between him and my boss I didn't feel anything, but I just CAN NOT understand why everybody speaks good of her. I'm not saying her husband is a saint, but it is she who lays her legs open, it is she who cheats, and it is she who in fact is the worst person (yes I'm a hypocrite as well, as I was once a toyboy). Why can nobody sees this? I want to say this to everyone who talks about her in a good way, in a way that her husband is the bad guy and she is 'normal', but in fact it's the other way around.

This happened at the end of my shift, I left 10 minutes early because I just couldn't take it anymore or I would have exploded.

How do I deal with this? I obviously can't tell the customers or my bosses they are this naive and hypocrite, but it's anger that is building up inside me and somehow I have to let it go, I need to tell people this, they need to realize everything that has been said in this thread or about BPD women in general.

Deep down it's of course still this feeling of revenge that I want that everybody leaves her and why I type this, but I want that everyone realizes she's the bad person. But she's so manipulative (she probably doesn't realize this), that everyone forgives her (besides me).

You only hear what you want to hear . You are still not over her that's why you are hearing everything to do with her . You want to feel connected to her that's why you want to hear her and you posting this as a problem. You don't want to let go...

 

[The_411]

Stop being a passive audience member in your life story. Stop worrying about being better than some other guy. You do need counseling so you can work through why you are struggling with self esteem. Sure when things don't work out it can be rough. The key is to work on getting to a place where a relationship is a great add-on to your life instead your goal to make you happy.

 

[SayWhat]

I believe this thread is becoming my place to write down the days I feel the baddest.

Today is one of those.

I implement everything I read here and it does work. Of course I'm still not completely over her and thus things I hear and she does still hurt me.

Yesterday I was working but it was calm so I sat outside as it was good weather. She was inside with her theater group. I hear my name and I hear her saying my name as well and saying something after it. I don't know what was said, but 9 out of 10 it was about our affair. I can't help but think she said that it was a mistake. The best I would hope she said would be that I wasn't spontaneous or too silent. I could live with that, but if she said I was a mistake, then I don't know, then it's something I can not improve. The silent part and spontaneous is fixable.
I know I can ask one person of that group what was said and he wouldn't say anything to the others that I asked, but I don't know...

I don't feel that bad today, I'm getting over it, but it's these hits that are still hard for me.

 

[SayWhat]

I decided to start working somewhere else and drastically lessen my hours at that bar.

A part in me does this to minimize the chance of seeing her and this new guy. But the main part is because I want to work somewhere else, with younger customers etc.

I haven't seen her in almost two weeks and I feel good, still think from time to time why and still a part hopes for that one message where she explains everything. When I see someone who looks like her or her new toyboy still a little stomach turning feeling occurs. But I come too realize more she just is messed up.

Time does heal, but I feel it takes longer for me than the normal average time it would be. I want to thank everyone again.