Venting and advice

[stryped]

My Saturday:


Woke up around 7:00 a.m. because my son was crying. Took him in the
living room and gave a bottle. Shortly there after my daughter got up.
Cooked her m&m waffles and turned on cartoons. Cleaned the kitchen and
put dishes away. Boiled water for bottles. Made baby milk. Wife gets up
at 9:05. Cooked her a waffle. (I do all this almost every Saturday so
she can sleep in a little.)


Take shower and change cloths. Come back and clean and scrape oven. (It
was starting to smoke when we last used it because food particles were
in it I guess. Wipe down the counters. Tell wife I am going outside to
start on remote starter project. (She knew a week in advance I was
going to do this. It was a little after 10:00 a.m.


At 12:05 she opens the door to the garage and looks at me. I stop what
I am doing and walk over to her. I mention this is going to take awhile
because it is very detailed. She gets a little huffy and I follow her
inside to ask what is wrong. She says something about, having to watch
the kids and how I always get to do what I want or something to that
effect. I mention that I watched them for 3 hours this morning and that
I have always told her before if she needs help just to come get me and
I would help. After the 3 hours comment she gets even more mad and goes
to her bathroom. I follow her and ask what is the deal; she says get
out of my way and attempts to close the door on me. When she comes out
I ask her again and she mentions all the housework that needs to be
done. (Even though she is off work the entire following week and I have
to work.) So at 12:05 I come in. I sweep the floor in the kitchen and
polish it. DO laundry. Vacuum the floor, clean the bathroom, etc.


After all this is done I go back out in the garage around 3:30. I work
until 4:30. (I had to go in and get something.) She looks perturbed
again. Somehow she mentions in the conversation how she always watches
the kids. I ask her "What do you want from me" She says, "I
don't know". She then starts complaining about how I am always
doing something while she is watching the kids. She says my showers are
too long and apparently it bothers her when I work out. (I work out 3
days a week if I can at my house for 30-minutes. Some weeks it is less
than 3 days a week.) I again reminded her that all she has to do is ask
when she needs help. There is mostly silence the rest of the night.


Sunday we get groceries. I take care of the kids almost the entire day.
Feeding him when we get home, etc. I don't go into the garage until
he is asleep.


I later ask her why she is so mad lately. She mentions the pms thing
and how things get on her nerves. When I ask her what specifically, she
mentions that I forget things a lot like I am not paying attention. I
ask what specifically and after a minute she brings up the fact that my
daughter mentioned to me about going next week to build a bear
workshop. And I did not remember my wife telling me a week earlier.
(There was no argument I have no problem going, I just did not remember
what day we were going.) I tell her "If that is the worst thing that
is wrong you have got it pretty good" and walked out.


Things were a little better latter.


I am not saying this to start a big argument but just venting. I know I
have my faults. It sometimes helps me think clearer when I write things
out like this.


Reply

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

What is she doing while you are taking care of the kids and the chores? I'm not asking this because I want to advise a more equal distribution of housework, I'm just curious as to what she does with the 'leisure' time. Also how old are the kids? They sound fairly young. How old is your wife and how long have you been married? Were either of your kids unplanned?

Sorry to play 20 questions, but it appears as if your wife is going through the very comon stage of parental disillusionment. At present I would speculate that you're becoming more than a little upset that your wife begrudges you even gym time (which you should keep doing BTW) let alone recognizes what you do around the house. You get points for having the pateince of Job, but at this stage you are both setting precidents that whill define your home life. At this stage your wife is giving you important sh!t tests and while compromise is definitely necessary it's more important to know when to draw the line with her. For now I would suggest approaching as you would one of you children; she's testing boundries and her feelings of being overwhelmed are exacerbating an already tense condition. You are the man, you make the rules in the house. You deserve merit for being compassionate up to this point, but your wife is going to need discipline soon. That doesn't mean punish her, it means you need to stop reinforcing the behavior she is learning will get a response from you and you need to be fearless in applying this. She's going to hold out on you in retaliation, but this short term sacrificie will pay off in long term stability in your home. If she throws a tantrum by locking herself in the bathroom, like your children, you should ignore this and proceed to getting back to doing the things that need to be done. Yor wife needs a time-out? Let her have it. You both need to play on the same team; men and women are meant to be complimentary with each other not adversarial. She is reacting to her new life in an adversarial manner with regards to you, DO NOT ALLOW THIS. Reward her for her cooperation with praise and affection as you would your children. Reinforce the behaviors that give you both time do get done the things you need to. Once she has come to an understanding of what it takes to successfully and cooperatively manage the household then you can 'grow up' your approach with her, but now she is confused and overwhelmed and is experimenting with attitudes and behavior to see what works.

 

[joekerr31]

one more reason not to get married just becuase a chic gives you a hard on.

dude,i feel for you. she's behaving like a 6 year old child. you've become her emotional tampon.

and like the good protector that you are, you feel its your responsibility to let her beat on you (figuratively speaking).

deep down inside, beyond the reaches of your AFC role you are in right now, you KNOW that what she is doing to you is wrong.

you KNOW that she is acting like a spoiled little brat and is having ZERO considerations for your feelings.

she is playing a game of emotional blackmail. she's using your desire to be the protector to manipulate you. She knows that you think its YOUR job to make her happy, and that all she has to do is ream you out and you'll try even harder to somehow please her.

the problem is that no external person can make someone else happy. happiness comes from within first and foremost.

you aren't married to a woman who is happy with herself man. but instead of her taking personal responsibility for her feelings she's blaming you. and she's blaming you because you let her!

and why do you let her? becuase you are so afraid that if you stand up to her she will walk out on you. because of your FEAR you have given her all the power, and like most people, she's abusing it.

search deep down inside and ask yourself what is your biggest fear. is it that she will leave you if you stand up for yourself?

whatever it is, confront it. face your fear head on. be prepared to go through that which you fear the most. then and only then will you're life unfold in your favor.

until then, you will suffer.

FEAR LEADS TO SUFFERING.

engrain that in your psyche, becuase its the truth of all truths.

J

 

[joekerr31]

just to add to spider's comments.

yes, if this is just a one or two day thing fine.

but if this kind of behavior is a regular pattern with her then i still stand by my post

J

 

[stryped]

She stays busy with housework and things. SHe is not one to lay around. I will give her that.

We have been married 11 years and have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Married at 23, that's it. Much too young for marriage. First kid comes at 29, that's 6 years before the real responsibility begins, but assuming you've been faithful to each other, she's kicking herself for "missing out' on her 20s. Women in western culture often experience a mid-life crisis in their early 30s for this very reason or it's regret for not having a family at all as the result of focusing too obsesively on their careers. How long did you date prior to getting married? If it's even a year I can reasonably assume both of you haven't had too much in the way of experiencing other prospects as far as dating goes.

Of course all of this review only sets the conditions for your current problem. To address it I'd still advise what I posted earlier. You have 2 children that are now a part of both of your collective decisions and for better or worse, they ought to be your primary concern now. If I don't miss my guess she's feeling trapped and reassessing the direction she's chosen up to now; made all the more real by the constant responsibility of 2 very demanding children at their age. Bear this in mind as she has confrontations with you and anticipate what she'll expect. Don't allow her to cross the threshold of disrespect, but try to temper her outbursts in the pretext that you know her regret. It's not you she resents, rather it's the results of her choices that she has to come to terms with.

 

[Jamo]

ugh

All this 50/50 stuff is annoying....not the way it was meant to be....housework = wife, career/serious business = husband. Simple.

 

[stryped]

I struggle sometimes with what I need to do and what I think God wants
me to do. When I do what I think is "Christian" I feel I get pushed
around alot. People have told me I need to act "stronger" with my wife.
But i struggle with when to do that and when to be caring. I am a shy
easy going "nice guy"

We dated 2 years. She has good days but man the bad ones are bad. We both take very good care of the kids.

 

[joekerr31]

Originally posted by stryped
I struggle sometimes with what I need to do and what I think God wants
me to do. When I do what I think is "Christian" I feel I get pushed
around alot. People have told me I need to act "stronger" with my wife.
But i struggle with when to do that and when to be caring. I am a shy
easy going "nice guy"

We dated 2 years. She has good days but man the bad ones are bad. We both take very good care of the kids.

classic nice guy situation.

what did God do to sodom?

I don't believe that God wants you to be abused. I don't believe that for one second. I believe God wants you to follow in his word. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Would you want others to let you push them around? or would you rather they stood up to you and showed you the error of your ways?

would you want others to let you get away with being an immature childish adult, or would you want them to call you out on the carpet?

the fact that you are seeking advice here suggests that you would want to be called out on the carpet.

so are you really following God's rules by letting your wife get away with being an emotional bully?

OR, are you really giving in to your FEAR that if you do something about all this she might leave you.

from a religious angle, who is behind all the fear in the world? who makes you too afraid to follow in God's principles?

think about it.

who?

J

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Damn. So you've been seeing her since you were 21 then and now you're adding a religious element to it. Nothing wrong with that, but you have to view it in a new perspective. Traditional Christian gender roles used to be based on a complimentary idealology, meaning that each sex followed different though complimentary models. A man was respected as the decision maker of the home and the woman was responsible for nurturing and wellbeing of that household. No one role was above the other, but both were separate and respected. Unfortunately today, due to the pervasive influence of feminization (not femnism per se) an new gender role model has become accepted and this is called the egalitarian model. This model is one of total equitability in gender roles without this differentiation of male or female roles.

You need to reestablish yourself as the primary in the family rather than the equal of your wife. This is not only scriptural, but doctrinal and if she is from a religious family she will respond to this. This may require you to become a hard ass with a purpose. In order to redefine your relationship with your wife in a complimentary model you must first unlearn what egalitarianism has taught you. God has placed you as the primary and the decision maker in your home, it's time to realize that there is nothing negative about this so long as you do so in earnest. If you've spent the past 11 years of your marriage in this egalitarian state your going to have to break a few eggs to set yourselves up in complimentary roles.

More likely than not she's realized that you've failed a great many of her past sh!t tests and will be reluctant to give up any semblance of power she thinks she has at this point. When a woman comes to recognize that her husband can't or wont provide her with the security she needs for herself and her children she will assume the role of the primary. This is why egalitarianism is defeating, it leaves a vaccuum of power to be filled by the woman in the wrong instances. In other words, if a wife feels her husband is incapable of providing her and the kids with the decisive, confident security of leadership she will feel compelled to assume the role of the husband and he will be relegated to the role of being the passive, submissive wife.

That's the problem - now how do you change it? The first step is to develop the ownership of your role as a husband and the authority you are entitled to because of it. The hardest lesson is to change your own mind about yourself. In all likelihood she was the first woman you slept with and so you never had the occasion to develop an understanding of positive masculinity.

Secondly, you need to get in touch with your inner A-Hole and stop falling back on compassion and your 'feminine' side. Time to ditch this horsesh!t altogether. 13 years of this crap and look where it's landed you. In passive, submissive guilt driven obedience. YOU ARE THE FRIGGIN' MAN and the PRIZE to be had, it's long since time she learned this. Express it in your voice, your mannerisms, your confidence in dealing with her and the kids. Listen to what she has to say, but decide what you will all do according to how you interpret things and NEVER in response to her emotional blackmail.

Lastly, break some eggs and stand firm. All the confrontation and power reclamation in the world wont hold an ounce of water if you spinelessly fall back on resolve. Stick to it. It's going to be rough at first, but short term intimacy is never worth long term disrespect. As I said, she will blackmail you with her intimacy, hold out on you and pitch fits like a child, but your life will be worse if you act decisively and then backslide to "get some." She knows this is her only agency to make you behave the way she thinks she wants you to, but once you begin to establish that it holds no power over you she will relent. Certainly not at first because what you'll do will represent the power she assumed in order to have her security needs met will be transfering back to the guy she felt she had to take it from. This is going to make her crazy in the beginning since those feeling of insecurity will come up again, but stay strong.

Remember, you will only get what you have gotten if you keep doing what you have done.

One thing I can tell you after almost 10 years of marriage is that the moment I go AFC on my wife I fail the sh!t test. We have a complimentary marriage by design, but it took a few years before I was able to recognize that I needed to be at the tiller of my family's ship. Trust me, your wife wants you there too, but through egalitarianism she's been taught to fear your decisions no matter how recklesss her own are. Egalitarianism means each individual is setting their own coursse, whereas complimentarianism encourages both partners to follow the same course.

I don't know if you've ever played mixed doubles tennis before, but that's how I see marriage. you have to cooperatively play together in order to hit the ball back over the net to win. You can't do this if you're hitting the ball at each other all the time. You have to play on the same team and it doesn't appear that your wife is playing with you. The sexes were meant to be complimentary to each other not adversarial.

 

[stryped]

She was not the first but have not been with too many admittantly.

Part of my fear is a few years ago she thought about leaving and even told her mom about it. The only reason I got out of her was I did not do enough around the house. (I have since done more than my share).

To be truthful I am afraid of being alone and if she left of not finding someone else because of some "problems" I have in the physical intimacy department. It is embarassing but it is PE. Yes I have sought treatment and tried everythign that is possible to fix it. I have always had it. My wife doe snot want to do exercises that you read about and usually has always wanted it over as quickly as possible. I think this really hurts my self esteem and would keep me from findign someone else.

 

[joekerr31]

as i said, fear.

your PE is probably fear related also.

you got a lot of fear issues man. until you deal with your fear you are f*cked.

see a shrink. this board isn't going to be able to give you the type of attention you are going to need to deal with that.

J

 

[DJDamage]

Originally posted by stryped
She was not the first but have not been with too many admittantly.

Part of my fear is a few years ago she thought about leaving and even told her mom about it. The only reason I got out of her was I did not do enough around the house. (I have since done more than my share).

To be truthful I am afraid of being alone and if she left of not finding someone else because of some "problems" I have in the physical intimacy department. It is embarassing but it is PE. Yes I have sought treatment and tried everythign that is possible to fix it. I have always had it. My wife doe snot want to do exercises that you read about and usually has always wanted it over as quickly as possible. I think this really hurts my self esteem and would keep me from findign someone else.

That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. You have no self esteem and you let your wife push you around.

I think you are a guy that got ONEITIS during the dating phase but instead of the girl dumping you (which any healthy minded girl should have done), she accepted your marriage proposal and this is the result. You are catering to her in every possible way and have placed her on the pedestal and thus you helped to create this situation.

The more you do things to cater to her demands the more it will backfire because you are encouraging that kind of behaviour.

 

[stryped]

Why should she have dumped me?

 

[stryped]

Would this problem keep me from finding someone? (I had it even before my wife)

 

[KarmaSutra]

She's been packing for a long time. She'll be garnering attention from other guys to start validating her existence and inevitably some guy will drop a load or ten on her chin.


Do yourself a favor. Get tested for the hiv, File for the big D, Drop one last load up her booty, Take your kids and cut up her credit cards.

Lastly, haul azz.

If you need some help finding ways to discover infidelity let me know.

Good luck. Do the right thing.

 

[stryped]

Why do you think she has not been faithful?

What are ways to desicover infidelity?

 

[joekerr31]

strype,

no woman wants a man that is weaker than she is. she will settle for such a man in an effort to have children. but once shes had her children she will begin to regret settling.

she will begin to think "i deserve better". and she will begin to hate you for not being what she wants.

its a very childish and immature way of thinking. its a total abadonment of personal responsibility for her life. and because you married such a woman, as she ruins her life with such thinking, so she will ruin yours.

eventually, she will cheat (or at least it sounds that way). if she can find a strong man willing to validate her as a woman, she will give in to that urge.

you guys need councilling if you ask me. you need to see that you've toss your self respect in the trash, and she needs to see that its not someone elses job to make her feel validated.

J

 

[stryped]

How can I become that strong man?

Have you guys heard of the book 'No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover? I have been thinking of buying it.

 

[joekerr31]

dude, it sounds like youa re past hte point of no return.

she has lost respect for you. it probably started a LONG time ago. she started to wonder what her life would have been like if she had found one of the rich alpha males.

see, its no longer even about you now. its really about her. shes not happy with her life. but because shes a chicken sh*t and can't take personal responsibilities for the choices she made (which if she did then she would work to make the best of those choices) she lays all the blame on you (in her own mind).

no matter what you do from this point on she won't listen to anything you have to say. she now shes you as the problem. which is why she will probably look outside of you for a solution (ie. another man).

what you need is councilling, so that a shrink can help her see that she has to take responsibility for the life the two of you have created together.

you aren't going to be teh one who gets her to see that. the more you try the more she will just see that as you trying to control her and turn her into what you want - and the more she will fight you on it.

the two of you need councilling, you can't fix this (in my opinion) without the help of a third party that you both consider to be objective.

J