uuhhhh...Attention wh0re, or am I just compeltely stupid??

[KarmaSutra]

Tantric...like somebody in this forum once said: if you are not phucking her...then you are her GIRLFRIEND.

Those props go to Rollo.

 

[edger]

Tantric...like somebody in this forum once said: if you are not phucking her...then you are her GIRLFRIEND.

Ain't that the absolute truth, which is why I've never had any female friends, except for ones I wasn't attracted to or ones who liked me that I didn't like. But the ones that liked me, I've never led on.

 

[jonwon]

I've known this girl casually for about 5 years. I've slept with her before, so I know there is an attraction there. But her and I have never dated or anything like that. She tends to always get involved with guys that don't care about her.

For the past 4 months her and I have been hooking up more...nothing sexual, just hanging out. But we have a HELL of a time when we are out! We are always joking, I get her laughing all the time, and there is something WAY deeper between us that her and I really have not had with anyone else.

She tells me I am the best thing in her life.

About 8 weeks ago, somehow in convo, feelings came up, and she admitted she really, really loves me. She tells me that when we are together there is something so natural about us holding hands. I admitted the same.

Normally, I would have made a move at this point, but she has a LOT of issues at the moment and going through a rough time...so I played it safe as I did not want this to be a "needy" thing, or whatever.

I sent her flowers to her new job, and she was gushing. Her phone got dis-connected for the next week (due to our schedules), so all we could do is email. She emails me almsot every day for a week about how beautiful the flowers are...how all the other girls were jealous...and she asks me if I am wooing her - becasue she really likes it. She tells me how she really did not know what "loving someone" really meant until now...and from her heart, she honestly can say she "loves me".

I have liked this girl for a while (we are both in our 30's), and she is a major hottie. Everything (actions and words) told me he was completely into me...

but...

All of a sudden she gets into some BS email argumetn with me over nothing.

We end up makiing up a few days later, and again, she tells me how miuch she loves me.

We were suppsoed to get together to see a movie a couple of weeks ago and she bails. Cancels the day of, as she has had a rough day at work and was really, really tired.

No prob.

Called her a couple of times, but no reply. 2 weeks go by.

I email her, and she replies by saying she has been working 10 days straight, and very tired. Apologizes for not calling etc. then as usual, tells me she loves me.

At this point, I am pretty confused becasue rather than BOTH actions and words showing how she felt, the next few days only become words, and her actions show the opposite.

When I try talking to her about it she blows me of completely. Says she "does not want to hurt me but she cannot offer any more than a friendship. Whatever decision I make she will respect."

I told her I really loved her.

She emailed me once after that, telling me she was looking for a new apartment...said, "I love you too" at the end.

huh???

So, now I am at a loss because I don't know if this girl is just really confused or if she was just playing. My gut tells me she really does like me...but why diss me off?

I have not responded to her last email (that was Sunday)...whould I even bother?

Thought about writing something like,

"If you love me...then why are you in such a hurry to push me away?"

Or is that a pu$$y thing to do? or should I just let this one go and let her figure it out for herself?

Text book Chump!

Is there a phantom poster keeping the message of SS alive by creating fake posts, this one seems a bit too iffy to me. Its like the male version of mills and boon, not that i have read that cra* but i can imagine what's in it.

 

[edger]

There are some on this forum who talk about how women who act badly or with disrespect as simply having low "Interest Level." . They measure the woman's IL by the "quality" of her behavior. I believe that this approach is superficial and poorly conceived. Women(and men) act 'habitually' ,especially over the long term. Women WILL be attentive and sweet and gushy in the first few weeks. They are acting in a way that they think will guantee a close connection with you. Eventuallly their SOP will emerge as she becomes more at ease with you and then the incongruencies play out. Her behavior is likely to become inconsistent with her words and also her early behavior .
She "appears" to be changing into someone else.
THis is bewildering for men.
And this is the start of the process in which we try to "fix" it by talking to her and trying to "reason" with her. We try to understand her (even by posting here)..
The truth is this - she has reverted to her habitual behavior. She has dropped the pretense and the sex games, and what you are seeing is who and what she is.
Stay around at your own peril.

You have a good point, but the only flaw I have with your argument is that once you've confronted her about her "true" self/behavior, she should be willing to work with you and change for the sake of the relationship. If she is not willing to change and work with you, then she doesn't give a sh*t about you and the relationship.

 

[Tantric]

See, about 6 years ago I was REALLY in a good place. The post I have in the DJ bible will show you were I was at.

When I first moved to LA, I had women all over me...I was extremely confident, and everyone was asking me alomst every week to hang out.

I get really messed up over 1 girl which lasted a very long time...and it was THE SAME situation as I have with this girl.

My problem is that I have NEVER had a solid relationship. All my relationships were fvck buddies...and NOT ONCE have i ever had a girlfriend. So it is really, really hard for me to learn my old lessons and get beyond this BS game of me being into girls who either do not like me, show mixed signals, or who have BF's.

I had had a fvck buddy for the last year, so getting laid is not an issue...but actually having something more than that is really, really hard. She (FB) actually told me she thinks that when a girl likes me I don't like them...but when they they don't like ME, I am into them.

This thread is about the 3rd time I have been in EXACTLY the same situation, with a completely different girl. So there is a really, really bad pattern I am in and I really have no clue how to get out of it.

Seriously...something is messed up within me, and I need to find out what it is QUICK as I am tired of it.

mike

 

[Vulpine]

She (FB) actually told me she thinks that when a girl likes me I don't like them...but when they they don't like ME, I am into them.

Dude, stop listening/taking advice from women.

That summarized statement there has nothing to do with you - it has to do with her.

And look, you think you have a problem... man.

Maybe that's her way of telling you "I like you, but you don't like me", maybe the people she likes don't like her back, whatever... don't take advice from women because it's from a woman's perspective and usually projections of themselves. It's not going to help you be a man to be a woman. "Send her flowers, blow up her inbox with texts, and don't pizz her off!"



Stop chasing. Stop chasing illusions and dangling carrots. And, get back to paying attention to actions, not words. That is, don't tollerate crap from women - which is "this place" you are at: doormat.

Oh, and quit trying to determine your value or your happiness based on whether or not you've had a woman you'd call "serious" or "a relationship" or "girlfriend". If you've banged women, you've had girlfriends and serious relationships - albeit potentially short-lived ones. Your "FB" is a "girlfriend" AND a "serious relationship", it's just "open" or "lacking future potential", see?

 

[decades]

I like vulpines answer but I see a lot of validity in the advice you got from the chick. You are attracted to unavailable women. there is nobody more unavailable than the various incarnations of the AW. I would observe this in yourself, that you are attracted to unavailable women, and do some serious thinking about it, perhaps even some therapy with this being topic #1. Ultimately you will notice that you are not getting the results you want and will make changes and make better choices. You will realize the AW is no longer what you want or need. You are now aware of the issue and that goes a long way towards solving it for you. Good luck.

 

[Vulpine]

Joekerr31 says it better. (below)

 

[joekerr31]

This thread is about the 3rd time I have been in EXACTLY the same situation, with a completely different girl. So there is a really, really bad pattern I am in and I really have no clue how to get out of it.

Seriously...something is messed up within me, and I need to find out what it is QUICK as I am tired of it.

mike

ultimately its fear of commitment. which can occur for a whole variety of reasons..

- you may not feel as though you are done growing as an individual yet
- you may not trust that once you become emotionally attached to a woman that she wont stab you in the back in the end
- perhaps your parents had a bad marriage and you dont want to repeat that

and ther are probably another 100 reasons a person will avoid commitment.

although the biggest reason, in my opinion, is that they don't fully know who they are yet. they haven't 'come in to their own' in life yet.

and because of that they aren't sure what they want.

when you know who you are and what you want, then when the right woman comes along you are able to assess her properly and commit to her without feeling like you are punishing yourself somehow.

you engage with these women who may say the right things, but ultimately aren't mature enough to sustain a real relationship. and you do that because you ultimately don't want a real relationship right now. you SAY you do, but your actions don't show that.

this state of wanting one thing but doing another is a fairly normal state. and if you come to understand it, you will really start to understand how a womans mind thinks - cuz most of them are just like this. they say all kinds of sh*t but really dont know what they want.

see, by engaging in relationships that aren't going to go anywhere you are able to tell yourself 'hey look, i want to settle down. im trying to make it work. not my fault these women turn out to be nuts.'

well, it is your fault. because they are showing you that they are nuts right from the get go - you are choosing not to pay attention.

 

[Paradox]

Women don't have 'guy friends.' Women have boyfriends and girlfriends. If you're not fukking her, you're her girlfriend.

Sorry buddy, you're her girlfriend.

Her boyfriend probably would not like you F**king her. At least that's how she sees it.

 

[d9930380]

KontrollerX and joephil28 - Hit the nail on the head.

I actually had a thing with a girl like this and it's exactly as they've described. It's my reason for joining sosuave.

Try to understand that the connection you had with her in the beginning was false, she was intentionally (probably subconciously) making you feel like that so you would have a connection with her and love her. Once you realise that your feelings for her where based on a lie then you can accept it and move on.

 

[Incremental]

Not attention wh0re, Drama Queen.

 

[jophil28]

Actually, "Attention *****' and "Drama Queen" are variants of the same dynamic.
Interestingly ," Drama Queens" are of two distinct types - Overt and Covert.
Most guys have met several examples of the Overt type,, but the Covert types will create the most brain damage for you. This is the type who 'hints' that there is another guy who wants her. She wiil flake for flimsy reasons, She will turns up late for a date. This type specializes in subtle "mind fvcking." after she has you hooked in via great sex. Get used to living on a rollercoaster because a wild emotional ride is her prefered journey...Danger Will Robinson !

 

[KontrollerX]

Actually, "Attention *****' and "Drama Queen" are variants of the same dynamic.
Interestingly ," Drama Queens" are of two distinct types - Overt and Covert.
Most guys have met several examples of the Overt type,, but the Covert types will create the most brain damage for you. This is the type who 'hints' that there is another guy who wants her. She wiil flake for flimsy reasons, She will turns up late for a date. This type specializes in subtle "mind fvcking." after she has you hooked in via great sex. Get used to living on a rollercoaster because a wild emotional ride is her prefered journey...Danger Will Robinson !

There are two types of Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Type 1 extrovert [aggressive]- a person like this will appear very outgoing, a great talker, bring up guy "friends" often, use tons of kino on you to make you feel like a king and then cheat cheat cheat behind your back. This person is a pathological liar.

Type 2 introvert [passive aggressive]- a person like this will hide behind a mask of shyness and sweetness and passingly mention a guy friend or two in conversation, generally not as good a conversationalist as their extroverted cousins they make up for their lack in this area by pretending to be helpful and devoted to you. Its pretend because they don't do this because they are helpful and devoted people. They do it because there is a price. You must give them your individed attention at all times. This person too is a pathological liar and because of their subtley are perhaps more dangerous than the extroverts to the mental health of those who get involved with them. They too will cheat on you behind your back but perhaps not as frequently and with as many people as their more extroverted cousins.

 

[jophil28]

Type 2 introvert [passive aggressive]- a person like this will hide behind a mask of shyness and sweetness and passingly mention a guy friend or two in conversation, generally not as good a conversationalist as their extroverted cousins they make up for their lack in this area by pretending to be helpful and devoted to you. Its pretend because they don't do this because they are helpful and devoted people. They do it because there is a price. You must give them your individed attention at all times. This person too is a pathological liar and because of their subtley are perhaps more dangerous than the extroverts to the mental health of those who get involved with them. They too will cheat on you behind your back but perhaps not as frequently and with as many people as their more extroverted cousins.

You knew my ex G/friend ,huh ? ( especiallythe part about being a liar and a cheat -- but she was Soooo sweet and demure - a fvking fake act )

 

[tmpgstx]

She use a lot of superlatives when talking to you?

Superlative examples would be words like...

Awesome, incredible, amazing etc.

Also did she laugh her head off at things you said that you know another woman wouldn't find quite so funny?

To build a connection in their victims just about all of them react to a minor joke like it was the funniest thing in the world which boosts the victims confidence making them feel good about themselves and good believing that the girl is really into them when nothing could be further from the truth.

A true AW will make you feel like you are a god with all their compliments and praise about how great you are and when you fall for it and become emotionally invested with them or if not totally emotionally invested display strong interest in them they turn it all off like a light switch leaving you shocked and incredibly hurt as you get the feeling you have lost the perfect person for you.

LOL .. there should be counseling for 'AW Oneitis Syndrome'.

Nice post JoeKerr!

This girl is stringing you along for attention. Never give her Flowers until you know she is in love with you.

Say No to Attention Hos!!!!!

 

[squirrels]

"If you love me...then why are you in such a hurry to push me away?"

Or is that a pu$$y thing to do? or should I just let this one go and let her figure it out for herself?

The only way to win this sh!t test is to not play.

Your first mistake was getting into that daily E-mail bullsh!t. During the initial engagement phase, you made yourself too readily available. And in a less-than-intimate way. It's hard to get excited about someone when they're constantly sending E-mails to you. Wait until the next time you two go out, so she can build some anticipation about seeing you again. You shouldn't be hanging on E-mail anyway.

What was the "nothing" you got into an argument with her about? And why did you argue over E-mail? Don't do that sh!t. If it's important enough, you should've just told her you'd discuss it with her next time you two got together. If it's not important enough to discuss in person, it shouldn't be an argument. Again, f*ck E-mail. You're 30. E-mailing back and forth belongs in the high-school forum.

If she cancels because she had a rough night at work, first time she gets a gimme. Don't sit around calling her. When she's feeling good again, she'll get back in touch. Or wait a week and then call her up and see if she wants to meet up again. At that point, if she gives you the run-around, LET HER BE for a while.

Instead, you cave and start worrying that you're going to LOSE her...and your E-mails and calls show it. Maybe she's going through some hard times, maybe work's kicking her ass, and maybe she's trying to decide whether she wants to dump you for the new stud at work who's been hitting on her.

BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU that sitting around worrying and whining about her lack of attention for you is not having anything except the OPPOSITE intended effect.

If she's into you, she won't run you around. Not for very long. If she does, she's either decided that she's not into you, or she's sh!t-testing you, and the only way to win is to decide not to play. Anything you do to try to pursue her affections at this point GIVES HER THE FRAME.

I know this, because I've done it more times than I'd care to admit.

So is she interested, disinterested, attention-wh0ring, sh!t-testing you, flaking? It doesn't matter. All that matters is are you getting what you want out of this interaction with her? If not, then let her be for a while.

You can't flip out and go crazy every time sh!t doesn't go your way with women. If it's meant to work out, then let her be for a little while, give her a call in a week, week and a half and see if she wants to go out. If she doesn't, then let her be until she comes back for YOU. Balls to this chase-sh!t. Hanging and worrying about your "next move" isn't what being "Don Juan" is all about.

 

[jonwon]

I've known this girl casually for about 5 years. I've slept with her before, so I know there is an attraction there. But her and I have never dated or anything like that. She tends to always get involved with guys that don't care about her.

For the past 4 months her and I have been hooking up more...nothing sexual, just hanging out. But we have a HELL of a time when we are out! We are always joking, I get her laughing all the time, and there is something WAY deeper between us that her and I really have not had with anyone else.

She tells me I am the best thing in her life.

About 8 weeks ago, somehow in convo, feelings came up, and she admitted she really, really loves me. She tells me that when we are together there is something so natural about us holding hands. I admitted the same.

Normally, I would have made a move at this point, but she has a LOT of issues at the moment and going through a rough time...so I played it safe as I did not want this to be a "needy" thing, or whatever.

I sent her flowers to her new job, and she was gushing. Her phone got dis-connected for the next week (due to our schedules), so all we could do is email. She emails me almsot every day for a week about how beautiful the flowers are...how all the other girls were jealous...and she asks me if I am wooing her - becasue she really likes it. She tells me how she really did not know what "loving someone" really meant until now...and from her heart, she honestly can say she "loves me".

I have liked this girl for a while (we are both in our 30's), and she is a major hottie. Everything (actions and words) told me he was completely into me...

but...

All of a sudden she gets into some BS email argumetn with me over nothing.

We end up makiing up a few days later, and again, she tells me how miuch she loves me.

We were suppsoed to get together to see a movie a couple of weeks ago and she bails. Cancels the day of, as she has had a rough day at work and was really, really tired.

No prob.

Called her a couple of times, but no reply. 2 weeks go by.

I email her, and she replies by saying she has been working 10 days straight, and very tired. Apologizes for not calling etc. then as usual, tells me she loves me.

At this point, I am pretty confused becasue rather than BOTH actions and words showing how she felt, the next few days only become words, and her actions show the opposite.

When I try talking to her about it she blows me of completely. Says she "does not want to hurt me but she cannot offer any more than a friendship. Whatever decision I make she will respect."

I told her I really loved her.

She emailed me once after that, telling me she was looking for a new apartment...said, "I love you too" at the end.

huh???

So, now I am at a loss because I don't know if this girl is just really confused or if she was just playing. My gut tells me she really does like me...but why diss me off?

I have not responded to her last email (that was Sunday)...whould I even bother?

Thought about writing something like,

"If you love me...then why are you in such a hurry to push me away?"

Or is that a pu$$y thing to do? or should I just let this one go and let her figure it out for herself?

No offence.

But who is more messed up?

You tell this girl or make out your not interested in her, but you do courtship type stuff.

then you come onto a forum and state is she an attention whor* because she does the same things YOU are doing?

At this stage your nothing but a surrogate Boyfriend, of your OWN DESIGN.

I aint going to blame this chick, it seemed you wanted something, your ACTIONS landed you here, why should i blame her.

Yes she has issues, but no more then YOU.

Its about time you took ownership, of your actions and not blame external scources.

Sending a girl flowers, what the hell is this about?

Even if she was not an attention whor* the mixed signals your giving off here would mess any chicks head up.

Are you a Virgin?

Your actions are typical 'nice' guy stuff, with no pushing through 'friend' zone type manouvers.

I would hazzard a guess that your first sexual encounter, she did all the moves, where has you just let her progress.

You state your not interested, then treat her like a Girlfriend, your one Odd guy, sorry but his stuff is normally reserved for the nice guy Chump.

If she is an attention *****.

Then your

A nice guy chump.

Get offended, but dont get offended at me or all the others in here who have pointed it out, stick a label on your head, called nice guy chump and remember WHAT you are!

 

[sherineo]

you know there are some chicks out there, who tell all their friends they love them.
i haven't seen you in so long, i missed you, lets catch up i love you.

some chicks just do stuff like that.

there are other chicks that tell you their feelings, i like you so much, i just adore you, im falling in love with you....
and when they feel they are coming on too strong, they do not want to run you off and say the standard "i am so busy i can only offer friendship right now." they just don't want you to know their self esteem is so low...


then there are terrible chicks who play games. some do it on purpose and some don't even realize how bad they are.

the question is for you to figure out which one of these chicks she is and what you want from her. do you want a relationship with her?
if so how will you pursue it? do you just want a bed buddy? do you just want a friend?

Pure Wishful Thinking

 

[BipedGod]

STR8UP got it right, what she says means NOTHING unless she backs it up with action...period