Urgent BPD ex advice

[MisterTyzer]

Hello fellas

I came across this fantastic site, like many others before me, in researching the effects of being in a relationship with a borderline. Mine was only for about 6 months, off and on, but still, the effect has been significant, and come as quite a shock.

Since finally breaking with her a few weeks back and maintaining no contact whatsoever, she has been in touch increasingly, and I suspect it will get worse.

I've blocked her email but would rather not change my number, so I had an idea. I'm thinking of (depending on how persistent she continues to be) to reply.

I want to post what this reply will be here, and I want to make sure it isn't something that will backfire.

Only back story you need is that we have no friends in common, she lives on the other side of a very big city to me and I am about to move, meaning she has no idea where I live.

She is a fully confirmed, professionally diagnosed borderline. She told me on our second date. She also has a very high opinion of herself (well, half the time), so I imagine this will do its job, that being make her go away forever. Thoughts, advice - anything, in fact, welcome:

Dear Miss BPD

Following your recent contact, I’m writing to tell you never to do so again.

In case you are in any doubt as to how strongly I feel about this, I consider you a tumour – an insidious, persistent and terrifying emotional cancer that I will do everything in my power to be rid of.

You are unwell, clearly, but the way in which you conduct yourself with others is unacceptable. BPD or no, you are responsible for your actions, and unless you get help, they will continue to cause harm to you and everyone around you. Both mental, emotional and physical.

I’m telling you this to wake you up to the reality of your situation: without proper, ongoing professional support, you will continue to have men cutting off all contact, as [unnamed ex], infecting you with diseases, [another unnamed ex], or shuddering every time they think of you, as me.

I feel genuinely sorry for what lies ahead for you, but even more for the people you drag into it. You are not a victim – it is all you, and caused by something rotten at your core.

In the short time I spent with you, you revealed to me what is underneath your surface, and it is very, very ugly indeed. Even though so relatively and thankfully short-lived, it will take me some considerable time to recover from the effects of being in your company. God help anyone who’s with you for longer.

Speak to your family, get some support, get some help, but don’t ever, ever contact to me again,

I have blocked your email address and if you call me again, I will contact the police.
​

 

[Knight's Cross]

It will backfire. You'll be feeding her need for drama. Look unless she shows up at your doorstep, ignore her with steel resolve. If she does start tracking you down in public, at your place of work, residence, then you've got grounds to go legal/ police on her. Otherwise telling her she needs help, well that's just pouring gas on a fire. The goal here isn't about her. The goal here is for you to concern yourself about you.
Focus on what you learned, pick up the clues in future women earlier, walk out if any of them show poor behavior. (It's irrelevent why they are poorly adjusted).
I'm beginning to think like alot of other posters, that the whole labeling thing is moot. Whatever reason a woman shows poor character, BPD, attention *****, daddy didn't buy them a bike on their 10th birthday, it's all irrelevent. If they show poor behavior that's all you need to know. Figuring out their psychosis isn't your issue. It's theirs.
Move forth and do good with your life. Remember, light attracts light. Unfortunately it also attracts alot of less than light too. All you can do is weed out the less desirable, be the most excellent person that you can and move forth.

KC

 

[MisterTyzer]

That's good advice, and advice I will take.

All I'll add is that, apart from anything else, my letter will only serve to highlight how far she got under my skin and how much I want her to suffer for it. Which, whatever way you look at it, is unhealthy, AFC and (most horribly of all) exactly what I think girls like this want.

No contact it is.

Thank you KC - very much appreciated.

 

[MisterTyzer]

Just had further contact - voicemail (in tears):

"Mister Tyzer, please call me back. I know I must be the last person you want to talk to but you have to understand that it's my problems and I know this and I say and do things I don't mean but I just really, really need to talk to you now... [sobs]... Mister Tyzer - please. I need you"

FYI: I know she had been in the second stages of an interview for a job she really wanted and I'm pretty sure that's gone south, hence the contact.

This is killing me, not because I want her, just because to stick the boot in, at this point, would make me feel better. I SO want to send this email.

And before you say 'don't listen to the messages at all', I don't mind admitting (well, I do mind admitting, but I will anyway) that is not a possibility. It's too tempting not to. And I defy any of you, who has feelings for someone, however much of a c-bag they are, to have that kind of self control.

**** - maybe just answered my own question - delete, delete, delete - it's all part of her game. And one which is unwinable.

This is the most frustrating part of this for me: to think about girls like this and pretend they're girls you never cared about makes it all so easy. In the past, I've ignored the most desperate of pleas, not to upset them, but because I simply didn't care.

In this case, unfortunately, I do, so to nip it in the bud, especially at a point of extreme weakness on her part, is so very appealing to my douchebag of an ego.

I keep having to tell myself - 'the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference'.

And if there's one thing that'll get rid of her, it's indifference.

But my GOD do I want her to to hurt like she hurt me...

 

[Bible_Belt]

Sheesh, lighten up. Telling someone that they are a "tumor" is never the right answer, even if they are a tumor.

Doesn't she have a stable of orbiting AFC guys? I bet she does, even if you don't know about them all. The answer of how to treat her is to simply regard her just like she regards those guys. Reply to every third text or so with something flippant like 'Love ya babe! XOXO.'

BPD, at its essence, is both a fear of abandonment and at the same time, a constant need to experience abandonment. The relationships a BPD girl will always find herself in are the ones that just can't quite succeed. The guy will typically be married or have a girlfriend he won't leave, or be her client if she's a stripper or escort, or be in jail, or somehow be just not quite available. The girl gets to hover at the edge of a relationship that she just can't quite have, and oh isn't it just so sad. That abandonment is what she craves. Guys get hurt by BPD women by treating them well. If she's not your 'other woman,' then she will get bored of the relationship very quickly.

But it's pointless to hate her for what she is. Your letter is like making an obscene gesture at a blind guy; it's a waste of time. She doesn't have any choice of what she is. There's no cure for bpd. You, on the other hand, have the ability to control your emotions. And if you can do that, then it's easiest to just let her think that you really do love her, but just can't be with her. Oh the tragedy...the drama...the abandonment . Let her have her fix, and she'll leave you alone.

 

[MisterTyzer]

You're made of sterner stuff than me, BB. I can't begin to play that game with her - it'd kill me in the process.

I just want her gone so I can lick my wounds for a few weeks and come back fighting again.

You're right about the letter, though - it's motivated purely by passion, and will never be sent for that very reason. I realise that now, and thank you for your advice, And all the advice I'd already read from you previous to this - it is appreciated more than you realise.

 

[The_411]

MisterTyzer,

Just think of BPD as a fire and giving it oxygen (contact) will stoke the fire, using water doesn't work becuase the type of fire it is ....

The only way the fire can be put out is to let it burn itself out.

BPD's need contact, drama, our energy to feed themselves. Without it they look for a new supply.

Only way for you to heal is to avoid contact. As for your letter either keep it and put away or burn it, but never send it.

Please udnerstand that the next several months will be difficult. Try to focus on simple small goals to achieve and work on slowingly building up your self-esteem that was likely eroded by your BPD ex.

 

[MisterTyzer]

Thank you, 411. And you're right about the self-esteem thing - I feel like I've been emotionally raped. What a fool I've been. But also, what a lesson I've learned.

 

[deuce42]

MT

I actually think the letter is a good thing to write - but here's my caveat - NOT A GOOD THING TO SEND, as others have suggested.

Clearly you are hurting. Sometimes writing a letter makes you feel better because it crystallises things and provides a way to express your anger which am sure you deserve to feel. The world is full of examples of people in therapy that have been told to write a letter to a mythical person, a dead relative perhaps, a parent that caused hurt, whatever as a means of getting the anger and hurt out of the writers system. I am sure the level of self expression in that letter is real to you.

Sending the letter on the other hand really is not a good idea as others have mentioned. This is because BPD's are incapable of feeling empathy or accepting responsibility. It really is like offering obscene gestures to blind people as was suggested above. I am certain you ex simply wont get it or be able to comprehend or believe the things you accuse her of. Its always someone else's fault in their lives.

The last time I saw my BPD ex was at an art gallery exhibition. She caught one sight of me and then ran out of the building and down the street like a child. Everyone looked to see who was running away. I came to realise how sad BPD makes people. I mean she was so pathetic, running like a child out of embarrassment. I realised her so called "friends" had no respect for her. For what its worth, when you pity someone the anger goes.

There really is no cure for BPD, despite what so called "experts" on this board sometimes suggest. Long term intense therapies have shown some benefits but require absolute commitment and BPD's are the least compliant with something like this.

Really the sadness and pain in their inner being is punishment enough. It truly is. For the rest of their life they will live in sadness, fear and embarrassment. They cannot sooth themselves. As they get older their sexiness and appeal drops. They have nothing but their anxiety. Take pity and be thankful your life isn't hindered by that.

 

[5string]

Thank you, 411. And you're right about the self-esteem thing - I feel like I've been emotionally raped. What a fool I've been. But also, what a lesson I've learned.

She has already begun her hoover attempts and will do so again, maybe many more times.

Newsflash....you were emotionally raped brother.

Maintain strict radio silence.

 

[MisterTyzer]

Will do, 5. And I agree, Deuce - although the letter felt good to write, it would do no good to send.

The thing I'm struggling with most here is the affect this has had on me - I feel dazed, empty and my nerves are shot to hell. I'm drinking like a sailor too (never the answer).

Thing is, I've had breakups before and when it's with a normal, sane person, it kinda hurts and you feel bad for both of you, but you move on - it's just something that happens, and to everyone.

This girl, though, opened up something - some old wound, and toyed with it like a cat plays with yarn.

I'm a 35-year-old man - this should not have effected me like this.

 

[5string]

Will do, 5. And I agree, Deuce - although the letter felt good to write, it would do no good to send.

The thing I'm struggling with most here is the affect this has had on me - I feel dazed, empty and my nerves are shot to hell. I'm drinking like a sailor too (never the answer).

Thing is, I've had breakups before and when it's with a normal, sane person, it kinda hurts and you feel bad for both of you, but you move on - it's just something that happens, and to everyone.

This girl, though, opened up something - some old wound, and toyed with it like a cat plays with yarn.

I'm a 35-year-old man - this should not have effected me like this.

It's not you brother, it's her. She's trying to feed her disorder by mindfvcking you. She wants your attention, then abandons you and then ultimately wants you back to feed upon you more. Emotional vampire as they say.

Many of us have been there and learned from it. You should as well.....for your sanity.

Maintain strict radio silence. She'll eventually find a new victim.

 

[deuce42]

MT I am sure you already have but you simply MUST ready Shari Shreibers site as many have posted here. She has an actual article on getting over these toxic relationships. Let me repeat, you must read her articles. It will really help you.

As for this part:

This girl, though, opened up something - some old wound, and toyed with it like a cat plays with yarn.

I'm a 35-year-old man - this should not have effected me like this.

I dont care whether you are a 35 year old guy or a 90 year old woman wearing lime green beads and stilletos,- if you are hurting then you are hurting. Your biology as a human being is conducive to feel hurt. Its actually ok to emote. You were built this way, as was every other human being. I know this board is all about false machoism, but all people feel hurt and loss when someone has opened up hidden pain and or childhood wounds or insecurities. If you mope forever you are pretty pathetic, but dealing with old wounds that some sick b$%ch has resurrected in you is normal. If you can deal with them now, maybe the crappy relationship did some good in forcing you to address and sort out some stuff that was lurking in the background of your life or past. Its ok to emote if you can move on from it and grow to be a strong man as a result. Life is about growth, not about shaming yourself because at this particular time you are not behaving the way you believe a 35 year old bloke is supposed to. If you are a strong guy later on, you will reflect on this time with a sense of pride and inner confidence - confidence in that you overcame things on your own and know where you're at now and who you are.

Weak dudes are guys that are full of false bravado or tough guy antics because they are petrified of anything to do with their childish emotions. Weak guys push them away by pretending to be tough. They push them away because emotions and pain are stronger than them and those emotions clearly pVssy whip the pseudo tough guy when facing them. If one is so afraid of their emotions that they have to put on a tough guy routine though, how tough are they really? Its very ironic. It takes a man to admit to themselves they are hurting and doing things tough but are ready to sort things out for themselves and grow from it.

I know you have it in you, I can tell from you emotive way of writing, you seem like a good guy and deserve a lot. Overcome this freak B$%ch. I know you will.

 

[MisterTyzer]

Kind and wise words from you both - thank you.

 

[MisterTyzer]

If anyone wants a boost, or just a cathartic song, to not feel like they're alone in their breakup from a destructive relationship, this is about the best you'll find. This band are the biggest thing in England right now, and for good reason. If you like this, check out their debut album: Sigh No More. It's beautiful...

http://youtu.be/I_Od0PJp6GI

"you desired my attention but denied my affection..." perfect.

 

[origin138]

I've been following this thread for a few days now, and based on my various run-ins with BPD women (only the most recent of which got me thinking about why this keeps happening), I'd like to offer some input.

This girl, though, opened up something - some old wound, and toyed with it like a cat plays with yarn.

You're right to assume that her behavior hooked into some old, repressed childhood wounds. For me, it was my emotionally available mother who loved to punish me into submission and make me beg endlessly to be forgiven for things I never did. See any similarity between that and BPD? My BPD ex loved to be choked, have her hair pulled, slapped, you name it. She would even bait other women into threesomes with us because seeing me get love/attention from another woman turned her on. It's important to understand though, they don't do this stuff on purpose. They don't even know WHY they do it, they just know it satisfies some broken part of themselves and makes them feel better.

She isn't sitting there laughing and mocking you while choosing which of your heartstrings to pull. She instinctively already knows which ones to pull, and does it without thinking. This woman, for whatever reason, was very damaged early in life. She is so hurt, that she essentially sees everyone around her as a means to numb her pain, you're simply the most convenient target currently. That's why they say such CRAZY **** sometimes. They live off the reactions of others. It makes them feel alive. It's like a heroin fix for them. But the sad truth is, they know they're doing it, but they don't know why. They don't know why they have this compulsive need to hurt and use other people. My ex used to tell me after a fight "Oh, I gave some guy head yesterday because you're such a jerk." I'd sit there and just laugh, I mean, what can you say to something like that?

It's tough to accept the fact that people are simply viewed are emotional "need meeters" to them. EVERYTHING is about them, their needs, their wants, etc. Just look at the various stories of people dealing with disease, a death in the family, or some other dire circumstances. A BPD will use the emotional difficulty of such situations against those who are suffering. I mean, what better way to wrangle some emotion than to crazy make in a volatile situation? They are simply too damaged to see beyond their own immediate needs. I mean, you could be sitting there, bleeding to death, and calling 911 would be an inconvenience to them.

Is it their fault? No. They're sense of "I", "me", and "self" are so weak, it's virtually impossible for them to ever look inward and say, "I need help".

I'm a 35-year-old man - this should not have effected me like this.

Based on what? Let's be real, the pain is there, and you have to deal with it. I know it sounds so cliche, but you're simply masking the pain. It's going to be there when you sober up, you'll just have to face it with a headache and the spins.

You have to find some sort of healthy outlet. Go work out or, wait for it, cry. Pull out some tears. I know society deems it unmanly, but f*ck society, we've got tears for a reason. I feel like a woman every time I toss out some tears, but I'm able to handle twice the **** as most of my male counterparts because I've developed an increased capacity to do so through tears. Not only will you HEAL, and grow a larger capacity to handle stress, you'll also be able to feel connections to women much more intimately because you don't have all that craptastic, bottled up pain muddying the waters. And believe me, women can smell an emotionally bottled up guy from a mile away. Bottled up pain is a barrier to intimacy and feeling good.

In the meantime, pick up your balls, get busy with life, spin other plates, and guard yourself next time. The DJ principles are designed to keep you in control. I wish I knew them before this last BPD encounter. I'd probably have a pretty good FB thing going.

You're probably feeling dead inside. And I mean that literally. You feel as if life cannot ever be fun ever again without her. I PROMISE, you'll find yourself again when all the drama subsides. Just remember, EVERY time you send her a text, call her, engage her, whatever....you're giving away your POWER. There is POWER in ignoring this woman. You'll even grow some righteous anger toward her and feel empowered some days. There will also be days where you're lonely as hell, and feel you NEED to speak to her to feel better. Wrong, you're just kidding yourself if you think like that.

As for her hoovering, just remember, the crying and apologies are code speak for "My emotional well is running dry and I need you here to suck the life force from because I never learned how to meet my needs on my own." It's hard to think of it that way because they're so darn manipulative and convincing in their delivery. Don't buy it. Don't let her tug at your heartstrings with that ****.

The key here is self respect. There is an element of self hate that keeps AFCs attached to these women. Try your best to look at yourself, and LOVE yourself. I'm not talking about just saying it out loud. I'm talking about looking at yourself in the mirror, and saying "I love you bro. There is NO ONE more loyal to me than you. I'll never let you down by getting emotionally hooked in with one of these women again. You deserve better because I LOVE YOU and you deserve the BEST." ****, say it a hundred times to yourself if you have to. Overwrite the self-hate with self-love. Not an unhealthy love, a real, genuine love that puts YOUR needs above the needs of some damaged woman.

I hope this helps man. Yes, this woman is damaged, but the key now is to focus on building yourself back up. Give YOURSELF 100% of YOUR attention. Anything you divert toward her, you're shortchanging yourself.

Women LOVE a man who has his sh*t together emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You can't get your **** together unless you focus on yourself, and make yourself amazing. Once you do this, you'll have so many women gravitating toward you you'll need a stick to get them off your nuts. Unfortunately, BPDs are also drawn to men who have their **** together. So learn the signs and respect the red flags. Know your boundaries and know when they're being violated. With a BPD girl, you'll know when they're being violated because it's happening to you constantly.

Finally, you'll always be drawn to these BPD women to an extent. Know the red flags, know your boundaries, and NEVER betray yourself.

 

[MisterTyzer]

Just thought I'd update you all to let you know that this situation has now passed - I stayed NC and everything has faded away.

This has been a huge learning curve for me. The intoxication of being seen as a Superman was ridiculous. There's no doubt that when a girl presents herself to you as helpless and in need of saving, it's like mainlining crack straight to the ego.

Part of this is good, because being strong is what women find attractive - they need to feel protected. But this must be earned by you both. She needs to prove she is worth your protection, and you need to show it when she does. It has to be mutual.

In this case, with the inclusion of a personality disorder that provided her with an innate ability to hone in on this basic want, I didn’t stand a chance.

Another thing I thought I'd grown out of but clearly haven't is thinking with my d*ck. Because if there's one thing I know, it’s that girls can smell a guy thinking with his d*ck a mile away - the furtive looks, the eagerness to please, the weakness of it all. Think with your head, and you're bullet proof, because they have nothing you need. Which puts the onus back on the girl to show you she has something you might want instead. A brain for example. Maybe a personality. Something more than a p*ssy.

I know all this intellectually, but this situation showed me I'm still a sucker for it emotionally, because if she wasn't so attractive to me, none of this would have happened.

Last thought is that BPD girls are a good thing to experience, because they are master manipulators, often unintentionally, because they crave emotional sustenance so much more strongly than other people. So they develop amazingly complex and devastatingly effective ways in which to get it. Which in turns means that your involvement with one will show you where your biggest cracks are. Because they'll find them. Don’t be in any doubt of that.

Good luck. And thank you all for the support – I hope I can return the favour one day.