Update on girl that was making me wait - guy friends?

[italostud]

Alright, so me and that girl finally ended up having sex. So things are going well. Sex is good.

But I have noticed one little problem with this girl: She is always talking about her guy friends. I know she has girl friends, but also many guy friends. She openly talks about hanging out with them. I mean, when I was out with her a few nights ago, she was getting texts from her guy friends inviting her out to the beach and stuff, to which she texted back saying she would go and telling me about it while she's texting...like "yah! They're taking me to the beach tomorrow."

Now I'm no stranger to this, and I never show or let on that it bothers me. But, I'm at the point where I'm looking for more than a fvck friend, so I'm a little more discriminating when it comes to these things.

Now she's not an attention wh0re, and I don't think she's banging any of these guys, but I know what all of these guys really want. Other than this one little problem, she's perfect.

It just gets annoying every time I go out with her, it is almost a certainty that at some point in the date she will bring up one of her guy friends. It just gets annoying after a while.

I'm thinking of a few different courses of action:

1) Do nothing. Just try to ignore it and see if she eventually drifts away from these guys as our relationship grows stronger. Downside to this is that if that doesn't happen, I'm going to look like a chump bringing it up like 6 months into the relationship.

2) Set my foot down right away. I'm assuming she's going to be bringing up the exclusivity issue sometime soon. And when she does I will simply tell her that I won't date a girl with that many guy friends. Could go either way.

3) Play dirty. Start telling her how my female friends keep bugging me to hang out and start telling her about things I do with my female friends. Now this could go two ways. 1) She doesn't care. Then I'm screwed because I can't tell her I don't like her hanging out with her guy friends without looking like some kind of retarded hypocrite. or 2) She gets jealous, then I have her right where I want her and can bring up her guy friends.

Ideas anyone?

I should mention that she's kind of the really hot tomboy type girl, which is why I believe she's not an attention hor. Like I can honestly see her getting along platonically with these guys. It's not her I don't trust, it's all of these guys.

 

[decades]

women with lots of guy friends are attention hors.

 

[joekerr31]

some women live in la la land and truly believe its possible to just be 'one of the boys'. tom boys especially can get like this.

1) on the one hand if any of these guys were truly a threat she'd have dumped you already. it doesnt mean they might not become a threat, but right now none of them seem to be.

2) if this is her social circle then you are asking a lot of her to cut loose from it because you're concerned about these guys. her perspective is goign to be 'if you dont trust me, then why are we even together?"

3) you need to ask yourself why you are with a girl isn't really what you want. this girl hangs out with guys and probably will do so her entire life. some women are like that. if you think you can change that i think you are fooling yourself. so there is no 'tactic' you can use that will resolve this problem and 'change' her.

one of the best rules of thumb is that if you have to 'change' someone in order to want to be with them, then you probably shouldn't be with them.

it sounds to me like you are in to this chic physically and really want to keep banging her. but feelings of jealousy are starting to crop up. and you think if you can get her more under your control then you'll get what you want - your jealousy will go away and you'll get to keep banging a hot chic.

personally, even though what you present seems to be a very minor issue, i actually think its a major issue that will doom your relationship with her moving forward. she is not going to change (even if she tries, she will resent you for it) and you probably aren't going to be able not to be jealous.

so my advice is to pull back from all of this. start looking around for another girl. trust me, she isn't the only fish in the sea.

your other option is to learn how to be comfortable with who she is and the lifestyle she leads. if you can't, then dont cause a huge drama, just move on.

what will drive drama in this situation is if you can't come to grips with reality and want your cake and eat it to. if you refuse to accept the limitations of your situation and try to remove them by making a power play or manipulating her, it will only make things worse.

your situation is not uncommon and millions of men have pulled the 'im your man and if you want this to work you have to stop x, y or z' and to date i've yet to hear of a single situation where that actually worked. either the woman capitulated and then resented the man. or she told him to f*ck off. or she said nothing and 2 months later he catches her cheating. etc.

i reiterate - if you have to change someone to be with them, then you shouldn't be with them!

 

[Sinistar]

lright, so me and that girl finally ended up having sex

...so how long did she make you wait?

Now she's not an attention wh0re, and I don't think she's banging any of these guys, but I know what all of these guys really want. Other than this one little problem, she's perfect.

...now that gave me a good chuckle No woman is perfect, you know that dude - right?

Some women are wired differently. They crave male attention (or the appearance of having male attention) above most things in their life. Their value systems and beliefs are out of whack from what most would think is the norm/baseline. They rarely have female friends and if they do (and you can look more closely) you will see that the female friendships are probably more of aquaintences than girly-girl friendships.

And some women actually take pride in being more "guy like" or tomboy like. It's strange too because it can be very appealing for a woman to have very similar hobbies as we do.

Now put those two together and you've got your textbook AW. And from what you wrote, your HB is falling into these categories.

Here's the tricky part. She's wired this way for a reason. And people don't just up and change (especially the way she's wired). She's probably a textbook clutch outcast. And if she is (it's your decision to believe that or not) I can predict with a high degree of certainty that she will not change, there will always be "other guys" (yes, even when she says there aren't) and ultimately the relationship will self-destruct (they always will for her).

These clutch outcast AW's are fascinating. They can seem to be exactly the type of girl you're looking for. And they're into to "guy sh!t" which is even more appealing. That's why guys (ie: AFC's) fall so directly into their frame - these women are incredibly good at being the Prize. But more often than not it's a ruse. And there's one thing they'll never be without - more branches to swing to on a whim.

You're one of those branches.

Re: Your Questions.

1.) I say do this. You will see that she will not change. You will indeed feel like a chump - however you'll be a chump who's learned something valueable and will never make this mistake twice.

2.) Go ahead and try. You put your foot down and she will just swing to another branch where she is once again the Prize (and the next chump is firmly planted in her frame - as you are right now).

3.) Don't go there. That's high school games and you are a DJ right? Do this you'd be lying, manipulating and in the end you're just trying to make her jealous so that you can bargain away her AW guy friends (which is against her very nature in the first place).

 

[decades]

Here's the "tell". A true AW has to TELL you about their friends. That is because she gets More attention when she tells you. A sincere, Empathetic woman with a few male friends has no NEED to do this.

 

[italostud]

Damn. Some well thought out posts there. Thanks guys. Firstly, yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said she's "perfect". Let me change that to "very compatible with myself".

And I know what you guys are saying about her probably not changing. I think the first thing I have to do is find out to what extent she hangs out with guys. I'm not really 100% sure right now. I think given a few more weeks I should be able to tell.

She's also told me that other women have told her that she shouldn't have so many guy friends because her future boyfriends won't like it. So I think that she knows, or may have an idea that it's not the greatest pretense to start a relationship under...

But yes, I am already starting to think of other options right now, in case this situation goes sour. If by some miracle things do a 180, then that's another story...

 

[joekerr31]

the plot thickens...

she's told you that she knows having so many guy friends is a problem (based on her friends telling her so) and yet at the same time flaunts in your face allt he stuff she's doing with her guy friends?

and you think this woman is sane? are you nuts?

she is TRYING to piss you off. she's trying to get you to start feeling jealousy and envy - it boosts her ego up. she wants you to start NEEDING her all the time, she wants to know she owns you.

and the moment she does, she'll say you are too needy and end it.

anyway, get yourself some new options on the female front. you're going to need them pretty soon.

 

[italostud]

Oh and I think it was the 5th or 6th date that we first had sex.

And I'm not going to jump to any hasty decisions just yet. This girl is really into me so I don't want to just have a knee-jerk response.

 

[Latinoman]

I personally don't play games.

If a woman wants to be involved with me in a serious relationship she must understand that she has to respect me and make sure she does not contribute into disrespecting me.

If she is just a fvck buddy...then who cares.

But prior to a serious relationship I make it clear what I expect from it. Of course, I am fair. And of course, I am not controlling. I simply accept her for what she is (but would only keep her as a fvck buddy and spin more plates) or I would hope she compromise for me in some areas.

I would never LOWER my expectations from the woman I choose for a serious relationship.

If she wants to go serious...simply tell her what you want in a serious relationship. But be reasonable. She texting her male friends while you are there in front of her is wrong. She going to the beach with other men while in a serious relationship with you is wrong. She going to lunch with her male co-workers and friends is more than okay. But if you are just fvck buddies...she can do whatever.

There is a chance she has hooked up with some of them too. I mean...you don't think you are superior to all of them...don't you? I certaintly hope you are not as long as you are living with your parents.

 

[Latinoman]

Another thing...men are suppose to lead. If she is in her 20s, she is probably going to need a man that lead hers and teach her. You can shape her.

But always be fair. You are falling for her more so than she for you. Fall using your brain...never your heart.

 

[S.S.N. 318]

the plot thickens...



anyway, get yourself some new options on the female front. you're going to need them pretty soon.

Preach on cuzz.....word up....

 

[Glenfiddich101]

Listen to Joekerr. He got ti spot on. Speaking from experience, i tried changing my exs into what i wanted and it has always led to more resentment on both sides.

Now that i'm much older and hopefully wiser, i'm realistic about what i what and can tolerate. No point fooling yourself into thinking that what is happening now can be solved.

 

[Latinoman]

If a woman is her 20s...she can be influenced. If she is over 30...you are screwed. If she is over 40, she would never changed.

My point is...if she is in her 20s...he can educate her if he does it correctly. That is what mature men do with young women in their 20s. We lead them and educate them. But it can only take place if she is CRAZY for you.

Somebody said that when a woman truly desire a man...she is willing to jump walls to see him. I agree with that assessment and more.

 

[italostud]

The general consensus seems to be that this will lead to an inevitable bad end. I think I will need a few weeks to figure this out.

Also, yes, I think she may be moldable somewhat.

 

[##17]

Alright, so me and that girl finally ended up having sex. So things are going well. Sex is good.

But I have noticed one little problem with this girl: She is always talking about her guy friends. I know she has girl friends, but also many guy friends. She openly talks about hanging out with them. I mean, when I was out with her a few nights ago, she was getting texts from her guy friends inviting her out to the beach and stuff, to which she texted back saying she would go and telling me about it while she's texting...like "yah! They're taking me to the beach tomorrow."

Now I'm no stranger to this, and I never show or let on that it bothers me. But, I'm at the point where I'm looking for more than a fvck friend, so I'm a little more discriminating when it comes to these things.

Now she's not an attention wh0re, and I don't think she's banging any of these guys, but I know what all of these guys really want. Other than this one little problem, she's perfect.

It just gets annoying every time I go out with her, it is almost a certainty that at some point in the date she will bring up one of her guy friends. It just gets annoying after a while.

I'm thinking of a few different courses of action:

1) Do nothing. Just try to ignore it and see if she eventually drifts away from these guys as our relationship grows stronger. Downside to this is that if that doesn't happen, I'm going to look like a chump bringing it up like 6 months into the relationship.

2) Set my foot down right away. I'm assuming she's going to be bringing up the exclusivity issue sometime soon. And when she does I will simply tell her that I won't date a girl with that many guy friends. Could go either way.

3) Play dirty. Start telling her how my female friends keep bugging me to hang out and start telling her about things I do with my female friends. Now this could go two ways. 1) She doesn't care. Then I'm screwed because I can't tell her I don't like her hanging out with her guy friends without looking like some kind of retarded hypocrite. or 2) She gets jealous, then I have her right where I want her and can bring up her guy friends.

Ideas anyone?

I should mention that she's kind of the really hot tomboy type girl, which is why I believe she's not an attention hor. Like I can honestly see her getting along platonically with these guys. It's not her I don't trust, it's all of these guys.

You're in something of a tough situation. Do nothing while she goes on and you look like a chode, put your foot down and you look stupid too--she's not your girlfriend.

You should try playing it that she is trying to qualify herself to you, that she is trying to impress you, but it isn't working: "I'm glad to hear that you have friends. But I wouldn't be too proud because for most people it isn't that big of a deal." Or "Cool. Hey, I got a text message from a friend too. She told me not to worry because it isn't contagious."

PS: Every hot girl you meet is going to have a lot of guys in her life. And every girl you meet is going to test you. Get used to it.

 

[##17]

Alright, so me and that girl finally ended up having sex. So things are going well. Sex is good.

But I have noticed one little problem with this girl: She is always talking about her guy friends. I know she has girl friends, but also many guy friends. She openly talks about hanging out with them. I mean, when I was out with her a few nights ago, she was getting texts from her guy friends inviting her out to the beach and stuff, to which she texted back saying she would go and telling me about it while she's texting...like "yah! They're taking me to the beach tomorrow."

Now I'm no stranger to this, and I never show or let on that it bothers me. But, I'm at the point where I'm looking for more than a fvck friend, so I'm a little more discriminating when it comes to these things.

Now she's not an attention wh0re, and I don't think she's banging any of these guys, but I know what all of these guys really want. Other than this one little problem, she's perfect.

It just gets annoying every time I go out with her, it is almost a certainty that at some point in the date she will bring up one of her guy friends. It just gets annoying after a while.

I'm thinking of a few different courses of action:

1) Do nothing. Just try to ignore it and see if she eventually drifts away from these guys as our relationship grows stronger. Downside to this is that if that doesn't happen, I'm going to look like a chump bringing it up like 6 months into the relationship.

2) Set my foot down right away. I'm assuming she's going to be bringing up the exclusivity issue sometime soon. And when she does I will simply tell her that I won't date a girl with that many guy friends. Could go either way.

3) Play dirty. Start telling her how my female friends keep bugging me to hang out and start telling her about things I do with my female friends. Now this could go two ways. 1) She doesn't care. Then I'm screwed because I can't tell her I don't like her hanging out with her guy friends without looking like some kind of retarded hypocrite. or 2) She gets jealous, then I have her right where I want her and can bring up her guy friends.

Ideas anyone?

I should mention that she's kind of the really hot tomboy type girl, which is why I believe she's not an attention hor. Like I can honestly see her getting along platonically with these guys. It's not her I don't trust, it's all of these guys.

You're in something of a tough situation. Do nothing while sheav goes on and you look like a chode, put your foot down and you look stupid too--she's not your girlfriend.

You should try playing it that she is trying to qualify herself to you, that she is trying to impress you, but it isn't working: "I'm glad to hear that you have friends. But I wouldn't be too proud because for most people it isn't that big of a deal." Or "Cool. Hey, I got a text message from a friend too. She told me not to worry because it isn't contagious."

PS: Every hot girl you meet is going to have a lot of guys in her life. Get used to it.

 

[##17]

I should say one more thing. Texting while you're with someone else is rude. If she does that next time, walk away (let her find her own way home).

 

[drmeathead]

i walked away from a girl for taking a call in front of me. now this girl left the bar to take the call. i felt it was rude. maybe it was an important call. if it was i didnt leave the bar she was there after and should have come over. she didnt oh well her loss.

man i feel for you. you cant say ****. i was in a similar situation with my ex before we were together officially.

just go do your thing and see other girls. if she can go out so can you and you will. if she is at the beach for the day GO OUT. dont sit at home and wonder what she is up to. that is not good. go out with another girl if you can. if not go out with the boys. pick up the tab for the night if you have to. dont sit around. i dont mean to be an ******* but she is one flirty sand fight and a few mararitas from ****ing one of those guys. so go out and get some numbers.

the reality of it all is this and i dont want to be a **** but if she was in to you in to you. she would either decline (which is sad and will lead to problems) or bring you along because she is so proud of what she has that she wants all the world to see. she would want you to meet her just friend guy friends just like you meet her annoying catty shoe sale talking girl friends.

my advice...next time she starts this texting stuff just keep walking. it is demeaning for you to stand and wait along as she texts another guy to make plans. would stand by and watch as some guy approached her on the sidewalk outside the movie theater and asked her out. i would hope not. dont walk faster or slower just walk as though you are alone. man i hope my rambling helps some.

 

[RAFCbearfilm]

I would go with option one, sounds like a shyt test to see how you deal with it. Frankly, let her go to the beach with the other guys, what is the big deal to you? She walks now, you find out now she wasn't worth it. THE tenant of Don Juanism is not to get attached to the girl. The focus is on multiple chicks not just "the one" this may or may not play well with reality but why sweat this check when you have only had sex once I presume? Was it any good?

 

[italostud]

We've had sex twice and both were good. Second time was amazing.

Anyways, she told me she went to the beach with a girl friend, so maybe it's not all that bad. Like I said. I'm going to give this one a few weeks to feel the situation out.