Unrequited love with best friend, need help on how to go about things

[moneybanks24]

I've posted things about this situation before, but it's a bit different now and I need a different type of advice. Someone in my social circle's girlfriend and I became very close last year. They have a long history (2 years off and on), and he can be considered abusive (he hits her). I have an amazing time with her, we consider each other "best friends", although now I'm starting to doubt that. I was always attracted to her, even from the start, but I played the role of the supportive friend. She helped me with my problems and I helped her with hers (although it was mostly one-sided and on the topic of her boyfriend). Eventually, I wasn't content with where our relationship was going so I decided to try to escalate things. I changed the way I interacted with her, and stopped being the little ***** for her to cry on. We kissed one night for 10 seconds. Nothing major. That gave me false hope. After trying to coerce her to leave the relationship, I realized that nothing would happen between me and her, much to my dismay. We've talked numerous times about my feelings towards her (stupid i know). She says that she is attracted to me and always will be but she can't leave her boyfriend for whatever reason. I'm not sure if I believe that she's attracted to me, because I have to make all the sexual advances and they usually aren't reciprocated. Thoughts on that?

Last Wednesday, I gave her one last chance to leave him for me, because I couldn't be just her friend since I would always want more. She didn't (saying that she wished this had happened earlier) so I said I needed space. She agreed to that. I really care about her so when she has tried to talk to me (twice) I don't ignore her. Now she says things like "So now I can't talk to you anymore?" even though she claimed to understand the situation i was in earlier.

Can someone interpret what went on (whether I was being used or not and if she had any romantic feelings towards me)? I've already accepted that nothing will happen between me and her, so this post is more for the sake of closure than anything else. I'm moving on with my life but I want to know what I did wrong so it won't happen again.

Also, since I do really care about her, I can't just throw her away, but it hurts my pride knowing that she rejected me (more or less) and I have to stay in her friend zone. What should I do on that front?

 

[DonJuan11]

I've posted things about this situation before, but it's a bit different now and I need a different type of advice. Someone in my social circle's girlfriend and I became very close last year. They have a long history (2 years off and on), and he can be considered abusive (he hits her).

You pick good friends.

I have an amazing time with her, we consider each other "best friends", although now I'm starting to doubt that. I was always attracted to her, even from the start, but I played the role of the supportive friend. She helped me with my problems and I helped her with hers (although it was mostly one-sided and on the topic of her boyfriend).

Not good. Listening to her complain about her boyfriend does not make you boyfriend material, it makes you the girlfriend she never had. If you want to be her lover, you talk about fun, exciting things, don't listen to her babble on about a guy she's sleeping with. "I hate him so much that I let him inside of me on a dimes notice!"

Eventually, I wasn't content with where our relationship was going so I decided to try to escalate things. I changed the way I interacted with her, and stopped being the little ***** for her to cry on.

Good.

We kissed one night for 10 seconds. Nothing major. That gave me false hope. After trying to coerce her to leave the relationship,

Not Good. You shouldn't coerce a girl to do anything, you have to let her decide for herself. If you wanted to sleep with her, would you coerce her or let things happen naturally?

I realized that nothing would happen between me and her, much to my dismay. We've talked numerous times about my feelings towards her (stupid i know). She says that she is attracted to me and always will be but she can't leave her boyfriend for whatever reason.

She can't leave him because he gives her great sex.

I'm not sure if I believe that she's attracted to me, because I have to make all the sexual advances and they usually aren't reciprocated. Thoughts on that?

Run with that.

Last Wednesday, I gave her one last chance to leave him for me, because I couldn't be just her friend since I would always want more. She didn't (saying that she wished this had happened earlier) so I said I needed space.

What the hell? You need space? I've never heard of a guy saying that to a girl who he wasn't in a relationship with. "You won't leave for boyfriend you are sleeping with for 2 years for me? OK, then stop bothering me, I think I need some space."

She agreed to that. I really care about her so when she has tried to talk to me (twice) I don't ignore her. Now she says things like "So now I can't talk to you anymore?" even though she claimed to understand the situation i was in earlier.

Can someone interpret what went on (whether I was being used or not and if she had any romantic feelings towards me)? I've already accepted that nothing will happen between me and her, so this post is more for the sake of closure than anything else. I'm moving on with my life but I want to know what I did wrong so it won't happen again.

Also, since I do really care about her, I can't just throw her away, but it hurts my pride knowing that she rejected me (more or less) and I have to stay in her friend zone. What should I do on that front?

She viewed you as a good friend, a shoulder to cry on. But girls in relationship for 2 years who let their boyfriends hit them, and then let them inside them 2 hours later, aren't good friend or girlfriend material. What you did wrong? (1) You went after a woman already taken (2) You tried to be a shoulder to cry on instead of being the boyfriend.

Next time you fall in love with a girl who has a boyfriend:

"That's unfortunate you have a boyfriend, I would have loved to get to know you better. You are the most beautiful girl I've ever known." And then you don't contact her again if you want to sleep with her, you have her contact you.

 

[moneybanks24]

bump...
The question i didn't ask in the initial thread was whether i'm being bitter by ignoring her, because she has been a good friend (even though ive invested more of myself in her than her in me)

 

[trv26]

Depends what you want. If your happy being friends and nothing more then continue being friends.

Otherwise, why make yourself unhappy just to keep someone else happy? Does she really care that much either way? If she does, she'll come running back to you, otherwise its clear you never meant too much to her any way.

A major question is however, can you manage to go without talking to her?

 

[moneybanks24]

WEll no, I'm not happy with just bring friends.
Yeah very good point about me keeping myself unhappy for some else's benefit. And yes, she cares, shes tried to contact me before. BUt she keeps coming running back for "friendship".

And yeah I can go without talking to her, its actually refreshing. Her and I have been through this before where I say I need some time away to stop liking her since she has a boyfriend. Then she'll come running back usually and the cycle starts over.

I don't think thats gonna happen this time because its already been a week and I'm still going strong.

Thanks trv, I think thats my answer.

 

[goodfoot]

Cut her loose for your own sake.

 

[Jitterbug]

Why would this chick want to change? She's got a boyfriend for a physical relationship (the abusive dude) and another boyfriend for an emotional relationship (you the blueballed "friend"). Can't get any better.

Find another girl.

 

[SharinganUser]

This girl is dangerous. All you can really do is give her some information to get in touch with a councilor of some sort, and then stay away from her. It's better for both of you. She learns that her choices are going to cost her friends, and you gain some self-respect.

She didn't reject you, YOU DODGED A BULLET!


Find a girl with a level head and that won't treat you like a free theropist.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Women have two kinds of friends - Girlfriends and Boyfriends. If you're not ƒucking her, you're her Girlfriend.

You've wasted enough time, now put this girl off and get out in the field and sarge. The main reason guys entertain the idea that men and women can be "friends" is because it's just one more Buffer against potential rejection from prospective women. The mentality is that the longer you try to prove yourself to be a better boyfriend, by identifying with her, by embodying the things she 'says' she's looking for or wishes she could change in her current 'Jerk' boyfriend, the clouds will someday part, the Angels will sing and she'll see you as the guy she's "really looking for" when in reeality she'll simply go ƒuck the Jerk half an hour after you hang up with her.

All of this really just amounts to you being fearfull of rejection from new, potential women, and delays this rejection for as long as you "work on" getting your "friend" to realize what a swell guy you are. You're essentially her surrogate boyfriend - fulfilling all the emotional and security needs the Jerk isn't providing with no expectation of reciprocating intimacy on her part. It's an ideal situation for a woman and is analogous to a guy with a Booty Call - unconditional sex with no expectation of reciprocation of security or emotional support. She gets alll of the loyalty, respect, dedication, communication, sensitivity, self-sacrifice, etc. that the 'perfect boyfriend' can offer with absolutely no expectations of reciprocating intimacy in any way. It's the ideal situation for ANY woman; she can guiltlessly ƒuck her cute (but Jerk) boyfriend, while you (the Nice Guy) make up for his deficits blabbing away for hours hoping that one day she'll see what a great guy you 'really' are. You're her Emotional Tampon; she tucks you up and in when her flow is heavy.

Now the question remains, just how long are you going to persist in wasting your time and energies focusing on one individual? How many opportunities have you missed with other, better, prospective women while you pined away the weeks, months (years?) waiting this girl out?

 

[MaTuA]

Jeez Rollo!! I don't know how many more times you have to go through the stages of AFCness. This is the prime example of why you must sacrifice your heart for the sake of being able to differentiatate between a potential gf and a girl you'd just like to fvck.

Moneybanks24 move on...

 

[moneybanks24]

Ok guys, thanks, i have my answer.