Unrealistic expectations and finding women of quality

[andreihaha]

That's the problem I am dealing with right now.
I've been interested in art my whole life. Experiencing so much physical and inner beauty in books, good movies, paintings, music, faith, has made me a little numb when it comes to the women I usually meet. The fact that I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing women and friends at the same time didn't help.
I'm almost 30 and I feel like I've experienced quite a lot so far, to the point where casual sex and superficial/manipulative women are something I have no interest for. I'm starting to value behaviour and a healthy mind that is compatible with mine a lot more than just physical attraction that you seem to find everywhere.

Any of you having the same experience? If so, how are you dealing with it?

 

[Murk]

Yes, I believe it's maturity and the fact you had lots of sex/partners in your 20s, a "been there done that" kind of feeling plus jadedness.

I feel it, I have settled with a girl (temporarily) while I focus on other aspects of my life (mainly my business).

I don't have much desire for the chase right now so I'm giving my girl until December (when several things fall into place for me) before I make the ultimate decision.

I also like art, I took an ex to a Giacometti exhibition in the south of France, and also to some art galleries. My girlfriends speedwalk through a gallery while I like to absorb everything. It was at that point I realised to keep art to myself, you can't force passions on girlfriends/partners, their lack of passion/ignorance just annoys me. They will pretend to take an interest in things you are passionate about so be careful.

 

[andreihaha]

Yes, I believe it's maturity and the fact you had lots of sex/partners in your 20s, a "been there done that" kind of feeling plus jadedness.

I feel it, I have settled with a girl (temporarily) while I focus on other aspects of my life (mainly my business).

I don't have much desire for the chase right now so I'm giving my girl until December (when several things fall into place for me) before I make the ultimate decision.

I also like art, I took an ex to a Giacometti exhibition in the south of France, and also to some art galleries. My girlfriends speedwalk through a gallery while I like to absorb everything. It was at that point I realised to keep art to myself, you can't force passions on girlfriends/partners, their lack of passion/ignorance just annoys me. They will pretend to take an interest in things you are passionate about so be careful.

I can totally relate, especially that last paragraph. Passions are something that should be savoured alone, if she woman isn't as passionate about them as you.

If you don't mind me asking:
-How/where did you meet her?
-What made you seriously consider making the "ultimate decision"?

 

[Bingo-Player]

Having come out of a quality 4 year LTR in Jan 21 when i was 28 i took a few months to kind of survey the field

I found that options were scarce , people seemed socially awkward after lockdowns and dating apps were an absolute travesty

I spent a little over a year falling from one unfulfilling hookup to another ....i did get lucky one weekend and bagged a 4 some with two hot chicks in a bar but other than that the quality of chicks i was hooking up with in general was poor

Eventually i decided enough was enough i needed to leave my small town and the people in it .....i put my head down for 3 months and managed to secure a move to a much bigger city it was an extremely stressful and chaotic period a lot was going on

Finally i completed the move at the end of april and within 1 week of moving i literally walked into a chick i kind of knew that lived on my road and we progressed from there

2 months of dating later and it is looking promising

------------

To conclude every situation for every man is different but for me the idea of "spinning plates" at 30 is kind of fools gold i learned that last year when i was wasting time with trash women just for the sake of it.

Its a 20 year old's game ......at 30 if you want a quality partner to try and go the distance with you need to put work into them you can't just expect the complete package to drop into your lap

I would also advise going for younger girls too under 25 , i found most girls my age were very damaged and had extremely unrealistic expectations of what i was going to be bringing to the table

 

[Murk]

I can totally relate, especially that last paragraph. Passions are something that should be savoured alone, if she woman isn't as passionate about them as you.

If you don't mind me asking:
-How/where did you meet her?
-What made you seriously consider making the "ultimate decision"?

I met her in a bar after work 4 years ago and added her to my rotation at the time, she stuck around, I let her go, the usual process. We maintained a good friendship, still met up and had sex. Then a couple of years later covid hit, I started my business and cut off dating. Her support for me was so strong, stronger than any friends or family, I saw all the high-value qualities a woman should have, she just lacks youth (she's my age). She's loyal, lets me lead, covers all my blind spots (organisation, addiction, impulse control, low mood/depression) and really balances me out and allows me to focus on my purpose (my business).

I've given it until December to allow myself to really fall in love with her, secretly I know I'll be getting rid of her, but I told her let's give it to the end of the year and see, she agreed.

Yes it's settling, yes it's weak and selfish, but it's what I need 'right now'. 6 months isn't much wasted time in a relationship so I won't feel guilty.

Probably not the answer you were looking for.

To conclude every situation for every man is different but for me the idea of "spinning plates" at 30 is kind of fools gold i learned that last year when i was wasting time with trash women just for the sake of it.

Its a 20 year old's game ......at 30 if you want a quality partner to try and go the distance with you need to put work into them you can't just expect the complete package to drop into your lap

I would also advise going for younger girls too under 25 , i found most girls my age were very damaged and had extremely unrealistic expectations of what i was going to be bringing to the table

I agree with this, the last paragraph especially. There's just very little probability a high-quality woman will be single and childless without trauma at 30. No matter how pretty and submissive she is. She's burned out and looking to settle herself. They don't have that youthful spark BeExcellent was talking about and want to push kids/marriage too quick, it's uncomfortable and if you're a good guy, you'll be tempted to "save her" rather than doing what's best for you.

 

[RBK]

Its very difficult to find quality women now. Tinder is a mess, you may have better luck on Hinge or Bumble for LTR potentials. It's hard to find a partner period that aligns with your goals and nowadays most women are being *****s on some old guys boat and posting instagram photos all day for validation. No man wants to LTR that and these women wonder why they are single. Most of these woman have children as well and Dad isn't in the picture.

You almost have to find a woman, and fix her to become your girl unless you want to date older (35+) which I have no desire for. Lots of feminist woman out there as well you have to avoid.

 

[Solomon]

As a guy in his late 30s, I started going to art galleries regualry at 30. I was tired of going to bars, I'm not an artist myself but I enjoy walking around it's therapeutic. Unfortunately most women even my age aren't into that. Either you meet the 35 year old who still thinks she is 25 at bars, there all single mothers etc. Most women are crabon copies of each other, travel, foodie, concerts blah blah. There are diamond in the roughs but they are very hard to find. Nor do I care about meeting women at clubs/bars my age not sure how the older guys here do it but I did over 3,000 approaches in 4 years and even wrote a bunch of FR's here in the past. The truth is I just don't have the time nor the energy for that

Even in my last relationship, I can't think of a lot of things we had in common I think it was because we were so different but OP i feel your plight

 

[Zimbabwe]

Good women generally don't go out, they meet men through friends and families. For those of us without a strong network we are seriously out of luck. If you didn't meet her during University/college it's going to be a massive uphill battle to find a quality woman not already in a relationship.

We have to resort to leftover women from clubs,bars and OLD. It's possible to find a diamond in the garbage dump though.

 

[Bigpapa]

I would also advise going for younger girls too under 25 , i found most girls my age were very damaged and had extremely unrealistic expectations of what i was going to be bringing to the table

this , solid gold

i raise the bar till like 28 though , there are still some good things till there

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

I cannot stand casual sex anymore. I only do it to cultivate abundance and keep my "mojo" aka spin plates. It's analogous to going fishing and throwing the fish back, just so you can know you can still catch fish if you need to. It's otherwise a massive chore and I get little enjoyment from it.

So I can definitely relate. I just want an LTR with a good girl, or several until I find one that fits me.

 

[andreihaha]

I would also advise going for younger girls too under 25 , i found most girls my age were very damaged and had extremely unrealistic expectations of what i was going to be bringing to the table

If I'd say I'm not looking for U25 girls I'd be lying.
It's frustrating tho because I feel like I don't have much in common with that generation. I know it sounds ridiculous that a 5 years age gap is a big deal, but it totally is. The young women I meet are often just Facebook zombies who can't even focus on a 90 minute movie without checking their phone 10 times.

Looks like in the end what I have to do is find that diamond in the rough.

 

[Zimbabwe]

If I'd say I'm not looking for U25 girls I'd be lying.
It's frustrating tho because I feel like I don't have much in common with that generation. I know it sounds ridiculous that a 5 years age gap is a big deal, but it totally is. The young women I meet are often just Facebook zombies who can't even focus on a 90 minute movie without checking their phone 10 times.

Looks like in the end what I have to do is find that diamond in the rough.

Women are just less involved with finding a partner generally, even if they actually want a boyfriend. Women are also a lot more cautious with strangers (for good reasons too) so naturally they wont be as involved in online dating or meetups. So if you are wondering where all the single women are at, a lot of the times they are basically sleeping around within their friend groups. I know plenty of girls who basically never sleep with anyone they dont already know for a while. It all goes to the few guys with a good social network of single girls. Sometimes they all sleep with the same guy.