Unplugging from The Matrix - Confusion, Fear and Anxiety

[zekko]

No matter how Findog acted, this relationship was not going to succeed. This woman was not quality relationship material. Period. The main lesson he should be learning is how to recognize and avoid such women in the future.

I do agree that he is in denial about some of his more "chump-like" behavior. I don't agree with all of Zunder's list, but I agree with most of it. Sorry, Findog. Tough love, brother.

 

[( . )( . )]

Zunder nailed it and perhaps when phase 1 of defensive denial passes you can come back and thank him.

Btw as already mentioned, the chick is irrelevant.

 

[Findog]

Findog mate, without taking into consideration everyone's advice in this thread, how do you feel about it all now in hindsight?

I agree with this:

No matter how Findog acted, this relationship was not going to succeed. This woman was not quality relationship material. Period. The main lesson he should be learning is how to recognize and avoid such women in the future.

It's been 18 months now. I would say that coming on to this board 13 months after this relationship ended to pine, yearn and agonize over a woman that is not quality relationship material is beta. However, I cannot take ownership over the demise of this relationship considering the reality that zekko succinctly described. I can take 100 percent ownership and responsibility over my 50 percent of the relationship. I can take ownership and responsibility for being naive in many respects that made me vulnerable to falling for a woman like this to begin with, instead of recognizing red flags and walking away. I had a certain old-fashioned Hollywood Disney view of relationships that this woman has permanently cured me from. There are definitely some things I will do differently when it comes to my next relationship. But I cannot take ownership for somebody giving me sex and emotional companionship, making me an integral and major part of her life for a year, making all sorts of promises and commitments, there being no daylight between my stated goals for the relationship and hers, then pulling the rug out from under me without ever trying to work things out or let me know that there were problems. I can't fix a problem I don't know exists. I can't control, change or fix what somebody else does, but I should not have made such big plans with somebody who had not proven herself yet. I shouldn't have been so naive and trusting. That IS under my control and that was my mistake. So in that sense, it's on me.

I'm not saying I don't have AFC tendencies or qualities. Pretty much all of us do, to varying degrees. Or else we wouldn't be on this board. Looking back at my romantic history, there are women I was a complete 100 percent AFC chump with, and there are other women that I was able to keep those qualities in check. This stuff is hard-wired into us from a very early age, and I don't know if it can ever be 100 percent eradicated, just controlled and kept in check. As for Zunder or whoever else telling me that this relationship failure is 100 percent on me because I was a 100 percent AFC chump, I'm sorry, but I don't accept or agree with that. I can read over what I wrote earlier in this thread and see a beta mentality of pining and agonizing over a person that I shouldn't want to be with. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have said what I did at the final encounter when she came to get her bike. I was being too nice and her response was condescending and patronizing. But I'm not going to beat myself up too much over that. I didn't chase after her like a chump after she dumped me. I didn't beg and plead with her to take me back. I went NC almost immediately.

I think taking the red pill is not just about altering behaviors, but altering attitudes and perspectives. It's chump-like behavior to pine over somebody who treated you like crap. It's alpha-like behavior to say "Next!" and "Good Riddance." I should consider myself lucky that I didn't have to spend another minute with this person and invest even more of my time and emotional energy.

 

[backbreaker]

I've said this a few times but I liken this place here to an AA home group. the dynamics are the exact same.

I was one of the very few who got the AA message the first time i walked through the door. when i walked through the door i was all ears, and i was ready to make a change and make a change i did.

more times than not though, someone would come in, and they would be tired, but they weren't tired enough to do things they didn't want to do or hear things they did not want to hear. It's the crazyiness of the diease.

My AA home group, even though I was not an alcoholic i had an AA home group not an NA or CA home group beucase i fit in better there, it was kinda like an upscale group. I was one of 2 black people there. it was an AA group for professional people. the room would be chalk full of lawyers, doctors, businessmen, preachers, there were no contrustion workers or security guards in this group. it just wasn't that type of group. We weren't picky or antying but being somewhat successful in life brings new challenges to drugs and alcohol beucase you dont' run out of money as fast and the perception issue people have with drugs and what not, it's just a niche group.

anyway i say all that to day, every freaking week it seems like, we would get someone come in. mind you, there are mercees and lexues all outside the building, there are guys getting off work from their law practice or a nurse who is catchiung a meeting before she goes to work... this dude would walk in like he is the only guy who hsa ever been successful in life at anything.

even more crazy, when someone would tell him, and by him i mean every last person who walked in, something they didn't want to hear, they woudl get all defensive and usually leave. one of the big things with AA is for the newcomer they preach no relationships with the opposite sex for a year. some are even really hard core and say give up the cell phone for a year but considering this home group that is not a viable option. week after week this guy would tell the group how everyone in there was wrong and he wasn't as bad as we were or we didn't' understand him or his VERY UNIQUE situation

i stayed around long enough that after 6 or so months i started seeing these guys pop bck up. more tore up than the last time they came, but this time more humbled and ready to listen. and even then they would listen to a point, hit a snag, go out, do the **** again, come back even more tore up. i laugh but it's not really funny. one of those guys, a kid in college, he was 19 years old, he didn't' come back he OD'ed and died. a chick didn't come back once she got gang raped and shot over some dope. she was pretty too, and was a legal woman one of those women who does the typing in the court room. very smart woman, very cultured. died tricking for crack.

anyway, what those people fail in all their infinte widsnom to realize is that they are not unique. everything that they did, we did, and usually did it harder than they did. every trick they tried we tried. every excuse they tried they got it from us. not only that, the room is full of people who dealt with what you are dealing with and not only beat it but curshed it. one of the guys in my group was so strung out on crack he drove a dealer to california and back to arkansas for 20 dollar rock on a broken leg lol. the dude now drives or drove a Chrysler 300 and makes well over 100k a year running chem free houses. doing the damn thing. there was a woman in there who was a drug dealer and had like was going around shooting people and stealing for drugs when she got hooked now 10 years later runs the entire non profit drug rehabilitation system in little rock. making bank.
in other words, the room is full of people who are telling you look, do what we did, get what we have.


that reminds me of this post.

the OP, you mis understand you. we aren't being jerks. we aren't being spitful or mean. We are just being 100% honest with you and it's porbably the first time anyone has ever been 100% honest with you in regards to the oppoiste sex and it flys int he face of what you consider to be conventional wisdom.

Look at the guys in this forum> I am married to a smoking hot wife who is crazy about me. we have been married for almost a year and i still get almost nightly backrubs, sex when i want it, good food, good conversation, etc. before i settled down with her i was turning away dates from legit hb 7's and sometimes even 8's because i just did not have the time i can only have so much sex.

you got guys like Zarky who are in very good relationships with hot women younger than he is and he's in his 50's. you got guys like rollo who has been married since i was freaking in what.. in elementary school almost. you got guys like 5string, happily married. you have a forum full of guys that are exactly where you want to be and instead of listening and heeding advice, you put your defense up and run away and make excuses. why?

and i can say that, because at one time here i was you x5. i was much more definant than you are now, i knew everyone here wsa stupid, i knew i was smarter than everyone else, and i knew they did not understand my situation. it was not until i could no longer believe the lie that i had crafted in my head that i broke down and started to really heed the advice here and lo and behold, they were right. i wasted about 4 years on this site, being just hard headed.

within 6 months of me deciding to give these guys on this forum a shot the girl who i tried everything i knew what to do to get to date me, and had given up on as i could not get so much as a kiss on the cheek from, was writing me 2-3 page love notes telling me how she sees us as a couple and was spending the night over my house every other night getting pile drove lol


and to add insult to injury, I'm black lol well technically I'm mixed but I'm malcom X mixed not what you would seriously call mixed, and i have more success with white women then probably 95% of white men do. just shattering any preconceived notions that anyone has about game and how women are.

that is the sole reason I am still here. Because someone was here for me even after being hard headed for years and by helping you i keep my skill set honed to the T. I never want to be the guy i was before i came here again.

last saturday my wife came home and out of the blue, brought me home a paint of Basket Robbins Daiquiri flavored ice cream. that is my fav food on the face of this planet lol. she not only knew that, she knew how hard it was to find and just so happened to be passing a BR and thought enough of me to stop what she was doing, go in and buy me some and suprise me with it. that's a fvcking woman right there. made my freaking day. and we have been together for almost 4 years in a few months.

i don't want to be the guy who is married and his wife never comes home or is demanding and he feels like he is in a dead end relationship.



it's not because we hate you, it's because i remember what it feels like to have the girl you cherish call you while she's getting it in the ass and letting you hear her moan for no reason than she can. i remember what it feels like to have a girl you are crazy about dump you for a guy who you are better than in every way shape and form and she does nothing but rub it in your face because she can. i remember what it feels like to have your GF get ran through at a party on your 8 month anniversary. and i wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemies. we want you to learn from our mistakes.


we as a collective bunch have successfully figured out how to make the panties drop and the gina tingle. and we wish to give you this advice, for FREE. just take it.

 

[Findog]

you have a forum full of guys that are exactly where you want to be and instead of listening and heeding advice, you put your defense up and run away and make excuses. why?

Okay, hopefully this five-month thread will drop off again. I didn't bump it. To be honest, I don't really enjoy discussing this girl and failed relationship anymore. It's something that still hurts but that I prefer to keep it to myself these days. At a certain point it just seems pathetic to keep talking about it. She's my past and I'm trying to focus on my present and future. I never said I was perfect and my game didn't need work. I never said I had it all figured out and others had no wisdom to impart. If you read my previous post, I expressed plenty of humility and copped to certain lines of beta thinking and mentality. There's always room for improvement. The only thing I object to is the idea put forth by others that this particular relationship would've succeeded if only I had done X instead of Y, or if my game had been a little tighter. I honestly believe that I could have been Roissy's Beta of the Year on one end of the spectrum, Clint Eastwood, Jason Statham and Daniel Craig all rolled into one on the other end of the spectrum, or somewhere in between, and this relationship still would've come to an end. I can accept that some of my attitudes about women and relationships need to be tweaked, but I cannot get behind the idea that with a few adjustments in my approach, I could have tamed this particular girl and she and I would still be together, and I'd be enjoying with her today the same kind of relationship you have with your wife.

When a relationship fails, it's prudent to take a good, long look at your role in it to see where you went wrong, instead of blindly blaming the girl and saying nothing is your fault. Do you honestly think that I haven't engaged in any introspection or reflection about this failed relationship? You think I am completely averse to personal accountability and responsibility? I can look back and definitely see things I would have done differently in retrospect, things that I will incorporate in all future dealings with women, but it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference in salvaging a relationship with this particular person.

we as a collective bunch have successfully figured out how to make the panties drop and the gina tingle. and we wish to give you this advice, for FREE. just take it

Yeah, getting laid is not my problem. I've had five different sexual partners since this woman left me. I was really worried about long dry spells but that's not been a concern. I'm slightly above average in looks, I take care of myself physical-fitness wise, I have a good sense of style when it comes to hygiene, grooming and clothes, and I have pretty good social and conversational skills. What I want is a long-term, fulfilling relationship, like what you have with your wife and what Rollo has with his. Casual sex is fun and much preferable to celibacy, but I want something meaningful.

There are some guys on this site that have written off committed, monogamous relationships and don't want to be emotionally available. They want to spin plates in perpetuity and never commit to any one particular person. That's their choice and to each their own. I don't want a girlfriend as some sort of status symbol or life accessory, because I like myself and I'm comfortable with who I am. I don't want a girlfriend because that's my only avenue to sex. I don't want a girlfriend because I feel incomplete without one. I could have had one by now since I've been single again if I really wanted, but the girl in particular just didn't "do it" for me. Pretty much all human beings want to be accepted and respected, and to find love. I think it's still possible to have meaningful and sustaining relationships with quality women, but I will never ever again do the "leap without looking" I did with the girl that inspired this thread. I wouldn't call myself jaded or cynical, but more pragmatic and realistic about women. Honestly, what more do you guys want me to say? And why was this bumped? To take more potshots at me?