MetalFortress
Master Don Juan
Um, it's called being indecisive and not being able to make up your mind whether to do or not to do. An afc/rafc problem. You, as an experienced poster at the DJ board, should know this...
Unique Guy situation with family as Potential Blockers...Advice Needed...
- Thread starter DreamyChick
- Start date
Giovanni Casanova
Master Don Juan
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I dare you to talk to her for an hour and still say that. Ask her about some of the guys she likes or has liked in the past, and then if you still think that it's just a normal indecisiveness, then I'll defer to your judgement. But I didn't just come up with that "off the wall", that opinion is based on several conversations with her.
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dionysius_d
Senior Don Juan
All just too weird...
Your family must be blind not to see you and they guy could hit it off.. or else they don't want to see.
Unless you're wrapped, let your uncle have him. Women shouldn't be doing "the work".
Your family must be blind not to see you and they guy could hit it off.. or else they don't want to see.
Unless you're wrapped, let your uncle have him. Women shouldn't be doing "the work".
DreamyChick
Master Don Juan
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Gio,
First and foremost I'd appreciate you not to post my sn. If I want someone on this board to have my sn I will give it to them. Secondly, it seems as if you have a great distaste for me. If my posts annoy you so then stay away from them. But all I see you doing is trying to rally members up to get me banned from this board. I really feel no need to defend my past behavior to you. I simply come here to get a better handle on the dating scene. I don't know why you still come here if you have everything you have ever wanted. Yes I have seen the controversy that has brewed from your announcement. But I agree that it's what you wanted. You love nothing more than a good debate.
But congrats on your upcoming marriage, I hope you really do have years of happiness.
Giovanni Casanova
Master Don Juan
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First, I apologize for posting your S/N. I was under the impression that it was still posted in your profile. I have, as a result, removed it from the post.
Second, I do not have a distaste for you. However, as I have made clear many times, I believe that you are subconsciously trying to avoid relationships. I have spoken to you numerous times and have read your posts on this site and the *other* site. It is my belief that for some reason, you directly sabotage your relationships before they even have a chance to begin. If you really think about it, I think you know that's true.
I'm not rallying members to try to get you banned... I'm not sure where you're coming from with that statement. You haven't done anything worth being banned over. I'm not even trying to get members to dislike you; however, I would like people to know that this isn't just an isolated incident for you and you have to admit that you have a history of this sort of thing.
Speaking of history, you're right, you don't have to defend your past behavior to me. But you really ought to try to defend your past behavior to yourself. You're blatantly trying to prevent yourself from having a normal (whatever that means), healthy relationship and if I were you I would really want to know why that was.
Why do you want a gay guy? Why do you want your childhood neighbor/best friend? And then why, when you finally are about to get him, do you decide you don't really want him? Why do you want a guy who has a girlfriend? And why, once he breaks up with his girlfriend, do you decide you don't really want him? Do you not see the pattern?
A lot of girls want what they can't have, but you take it to the extreme. It seems that you absolutely refuse to have anyone who would want you. That's a little on the unhealthy side.
I come here to give you (and others) a better handle on the dating scene. Sometimes that means telling you things that you don't want to hear. That may be the case here.
just ask
Ask them if they're gay. If they're not, they might get pissed, but at least you will know. Sounds to me like your family already knows that you like this guy, and they already know that they are gay. Just ask, then if they say no, then proceed to hit on him right then and there, to diffuse the situation.
Ask them if they're gay. If they're not, they might get pissed, but at least you will know. Sounds to me like your family already knows that you like this guy, and they already know that they are gay. Just ask, then if they say no, then proceed to hit on him right then and there, to diffuse the situation.
MetalFortress
Master Don Juan
One step ahead of ya.
Giovanni Casanova
Master Don Juan
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So you're saying that you've had an in-depth conversation with her and you still think that she's just a normal girl have just normal indecisiveness? Okay, then.
MetalFortress
Master Don Juan
Um, show me where I said normal.
Giovanni Casanova
Master Don Juan
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You're the one who got up in my sh*t because I told her that she needed to get counseling or something to figure out why she intentionally f*cked up every single "relationship" that she has and actively tries to avoid relationships by only pursuing guys she knows she can never have (i.e., her gay uncle's gay lover).
So, is it your opinion, after extensive conversations with her, that she is just a normal girl experiencing normal indecisiveness? Or is it your opinion that I'm correct?
Oscar Wilde
Master Don Juan
Look, simple answer is to go for a beer with your uncle (on his own) and ask him if he's gay. What's the big deal. Either he says yes or no.
If no, ask does he have a problem if you asked N out for a drink.
Just do it.
If no, ask does he have a problem if you asked N out for a drink.
Just do it.
MetalFortress
Master Don Juan
Neither.
Giovanni Casanova
Master Don Juan
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Care to elaborate, or are you just wasting everyone's time?
TesuqueRed
Master Don Juan
From what I recall (having seen Dreamy's prior posts) is that she often gets almost involved with guys who can't make the first move. And she won't (or hasn't) either. The stress and angst and sign reading gets unbearable...(for me--I've pounded my head on the keyboard attempting to relieve the stress I feel..)
I don't know that anyone has tried to get her banned. There's no cause for it, IMO, since she's never come close to acting like a troll or posting inappropriately.
Of course, getting advice and then obsessing and obsessing more and never bringing it to a resolution is frustrating and maddening to the nth degree (she's not the worst here on that--I can recall 4-5 guys here who posted endlessly and just couldn't let go of a girl or of posting about her.)
But her posts do turn into 4-5 pages of obsession/response/alt obsession/repeat.
Anyway--the uncle / roomie as gay lovers is something I didn't pick up on, although I can't say anything is wrong with the analysis. Nothing overt tripped my "gay-dar" (as they call it)--but I usually need to meet someone or see them to get an accurate read.
So, Dreamy--how's your gaydar working?? Do you have a good sense of who might be gay or bi or is it that one of the potential gays being your uncle clouding the reading?
Lastly--he seems (as usual per the pattern) to be unable to make a move. You can make a move and see what's up, but that is usually the guy's job to do. It's a red flag if you have to do his job. And if he has this problem now, he has self-esteem and self-assertion issues that will subvert any near-future relationships. You don't want that, regardless of your interest in him. I mean, go for it (because YOU will have to, he won't)--just be aware it has some serious red flags waving here.
In a word: he doesn't have balls enough for you yet.
huh.--maybe he has balls for the uncle? sorry...couldn't resist..
I don't know that anyone has tried to get her banned. There's no cause for it, IMO, since she's never come close to acting like a troll or posting inappropriately.
Of course, getting advice and then obsessing and obsessing more and never bringing it to a resolution is frustrating and maddening to the nth degree (she's not the worst here on that--I can recall 4-5 guys here who posted endlessly and just couldn't let go of a girl or of posting about her.)
But her posts do turn into 4-5 pages of obsession/response/alt obsession/repeat.
Anyway--the uncle / roomie as gay lovers is something I didn't pick up on, although I can't say anything is wrong with the analysis. Nothing overt tripped my "gay-dar" (as they call it)--but I usually need to meet someone or see them to get an accurate read.
So, Dreamy--how's your gaydar working?? Do you have a good sense of who might be gay or bi or is it that one of the potential gays being your uncle clouding the reading?
Lastly--he seems (as usual per the pattern) to be unable to make a move. You can make a move and see what's up, but that is usually the guy's job to do. It's a red flag if you have to do his job. And if he has this problem now, he has self-esteem and self-assertion issues that will subvert any near-future relationships. You don't want that, regardless of your interest in him. I mean, go for it (because YOU will have to, he won't)--just be aware it has some serious red flags waving here.
In a word: he doesn't have balls enough for you yet.
huh.--maybe he has balls for the uncle? sorry...couldn't resist..
MetalFortress
Master Don Juan
First I'd like to know when you became everyone. Second, don't blame me for you wasting your own time. And third, saying that you were right would be equivalent to saying that AFC's who put women on pedestals all the time need counseling.
DreamyChick
Master Don Juan
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Hey thanks to everyone that has replied. I have read each response. I know sometimes I tend to be too indecivisive when it comes to the guys I post about but it comes out of inexperience only a few dates between (HS and College). I have always been somewhat of an introverted person and have been trying to break my way out. As of yet, I haven't had what I would consider a bf-gf relationship. As Gio points out I think thats partially due to my backing off which stems from my own inner dialog. I don't trust my gut when it comes to guys because I lack the experience. There fore I lack the confidence that could aid in getting a guy to maintain interest in me. and at times I don't know if I fit the guy's mold of what he wants in a girl. I've certainly begun to wonder if all guys consider is just an ideal look that society has impressed upon us. Why do I believe this? Well because like I said lack of experience. I have had guys talk to me constantly and even start up stimulating conversations but I don't trust that to be a sign of interest. In my mind all I believe they'll see is a shallow image of who I am. Maybe I do choose the wrong guys that aren't gutsy enough to make a move as Tes mentioned. Who knows I am still trying to figure it out. I feel like I am trying to hard to be what the guy wants me to be bc it seems like being me isn't enough.
Oh btw Gio,
As far as the best friend neighbor... I did call him on his behavior towards me that summer before he had a gf and he denied there being the slightest bit of curiousity on developing our relationship at the next level so please don't assume that I don't take action to go after what I want. I took him at his word and dropped the issue of us having a relationship. In fact another example of going after what I wanted (ie to get to know another guy) happened just last fall. I asked him out for coffee. I assumed by what he was telling me that he would get back to me as far as his work schedule was concerned. His work schedule reasoning was in fact validated on several occassions. I thought I could leave it to him to get back to me. He seemed interested in doing so, so I thought he would. But he didn't. So please give me some credit. I am making progress as far as relationships are concerned. I know that I can always improve my skills and work on my confidence and other things.
***Btw, as far as N is concerned I failed to mention that while he was living with my uncle, he was also actively trying to date my cousin who was considered by her father to be too young at the time. She's now married, but I heard from several sources that it took him a long time to get over that. So hence my hesitation in pursuing this situation. ***
Okay I've said enough right now I'll leave you to digest this info.
TesuqueRed
Master Don Juan
I think the idle on your engine is set too high----meaning, your thoughts are going too fast and spinning without traction. It leads to second guessing, and second guessing those guesses, and indecisiveness and reading into things (and starting the second guessing cycle..) running endless scenarios in your mind and re-running them to see if anything's changed, and not taking action. It just goes on.
Am I close?
Am I close?
TesuqueRed
Master Don Juan
Who the hell is John Mayer?
DreamyChick
Master Don Juan
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You are so close it's scary. So what's the best way to get out of this senario, just going for it? I almost think that this way of thought comes from at first reacting on a spur of the moment desire and then getting knocked down and told I was so far from what the guy was really thinking. So rather than do that again I replay everything like you said.
http://www.johnmayer.com
Hey, i remember you! Your used to post on that girlpro.....i mean, that "other" site" (didnt you want to go out with your teacher, or couseler or something...i forget)
I gave you advice back then, and you didnt take it *raises eyebrow*
My advice this time around is this......buy your uncle and his gay lover some lube, to make amends.
Lol..im kidding. But you really should stop second guessing yourself all the time. Think about what your life is going to be like in 20 years if you dont stop sabotaging your relationships like this, or going after guys your never going to get. You need some more experience...your a girl, its easy. Next time a guy comes and makes stimulating conversation (let me reassure you...i have never just gone up to a girl to make stimulating conversation unless i really know her, she is insanely smart, or i want to go out with her......if a guy talks to you, he most likely wants you), invite him out for coffee or something. If your that afraid you dont have experience, just go out with a geek. They are easy to get, they dont make a lot of moves, and you can go at whatever pace you want (cuz they probably have less experience than you).
Later
Pancho
I gave you advice back then, and you didnt take it *raises eyebrow*
My advice this time around is this......buy your uncle and his gay lover some lube, to make amends.
Lol..im kidding. But you really should stop second guessing yourself all the time. Think about what your life is going to be like in 20 years if you dont stop sabotaging your relationships like this, or going after guys your never going to get. You need some more experience...your a girl, its easy. Next time a guy comes and makes stimulating conversation (let me reassure you...i have never just gone up to a girl to make stimulating conversation unless i really know her, she is insanely smart, or i want to go out with her......if a guy talks to you, he most likely wants you), invite him out for coffee or something. If your that afraid you dont have experience, just go out with a geek. They are easy to get, they dont make a lot of moves, and you can go at whatever pace you want (cuz they probably have less experience than you).
Later
Pancho
