Unhappy married female friend

[aron77]

So basicly there is this girl at work that I've grown very close to over the last 2 years, was my fulltime job but now I only work weekends there, who is on the verge of divorce but she hasn't taken any action yet, tho she did tell her husband that she wants a divorce. I'll spare the details but she spends so much time alone, like she barely leaves the house, and he doesn't seem to care that she is unhappy. I've loved her as a person for a long time, and her me, but I never even considered being with her since she is married but every since she said divorce I look at her differently. She is the kindest and most trustworhty person I know or I wouldn't even be typing this cuz I know how stupid it sounds. I wasn't all that attracted to her when I first met her, not that she is ugly, but she really is that kind to the point where she is very attractive to me now. And the kicker is that my mom works there too and they love each other like mother/daughter.

We have never been anything but friends but she is doing stuff to get in my head so I almost certain she is thinking what I'm thinking. I call her my work wife but in the last few months she has made many comments playfully talking about marrying me. Last week I was whining to her about this girl that is driving me nuts and she was saying that I should find someone else... then kind of blurted out wait for me. I just said hurry up and left it alone. I'm trying to just leave it alone with a wait and see attitude but she keeps saying stuff. Well I was out bowling earlier today and she called me. She texts me on the holidays sometimes or sometimes about work but she never calls me. She called to ask if I was working tomorrow and to ask me about the promotion I got... and tells me she misses me, I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. I've never addressed this stuff directly cuz it just doesn't feel right. Would u just go for it and put it out there on the table like hey r u going to divorce this guy or what cuz its obvious what we r both thinking? I know there would be some drama but I wouldn't even be thinking about this if I didn't think she was already mentaly checking out of her marriage and that she wouldn't turn to me as a rebound but that it would just click.

 

[Purefilth]

1. MARRIED
2. AT WORK
= 2 GOOD REASONS TO NEXT ALREADY.

that's all I read up to.

 

[yuppaz]

She is probably looking for security with a new guy before she gets divorced. Be careful, though if that is what she's doing you don't want her...

 

[Burroughs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REvmhBO99I4

 

[aron77]

She is probably looking for security with a new guy before she gets divorced. Be careful, though if that is what she's doing you don't want her...

That could be in play a little for her not to want to be alone but overall I know her well and there has been something under the surface between us for a while. I wouldn't even be considering her if she wasn't so kind and we didn't already have some love between us.

 

[( . )( . )]

I call her my work wife but in the last few months she has made many comments playfully talking about marrying me.

Seeing you as a beta provider candidate is not where you want to be. She should be seeing you as the guy who can fvck her in the toilets on a slow day.

You need to reread the DJ Bible, if you even read it in the first place.

 

[VladPatton]

It's all fun gum flapping until she actually gets divorced. Imagine all of a sudden she doesn't. How would you feel then? Not too great. Don't bet on a woman to be on the straight and narrow, especially with her feelings and emotions. You gotta kick that oneitis, it's making you needy.

Wait for her until she is free, until then, resume all normalcy and continue to date other girls. Do not wait for her. Keep in mind, though, this is all at work and you headed into a possibly bad situation.

 

[Mike32ct]

I agree with Vlad. "I'm gonna get divorced" is often just venting at best.

At worst, she's looking to have an affair using the oldest excuse in the book...

"It's ok for me to 'cheat' because I'm getting divorced anyway."

Then she Fs some guy and later finds some 'excuse' to stay married. She didnt have enough money for the lawyer or she wanted to keep the marriage together "for the kids." At the end of the day, she's just a lying cheater.

Do not get involved with her unless she actually gets formally divorced.

 

[TonyBaloney]

A difficult one Aron!

I had a similar situation myself...... its almost like you believe all of your bestest dreams have come together before your eyes... someone local, knows ur ma, good banter, IOI's etc etc. But some women are shrewd and ruthless...some.....

My situation was - girl who i really fancied, started doing my hair at my home as her mother who she visited was my neighbour. She was married, and told me she was having difficultys...i was with a LTR at the time, and we both would have a drink at mine after the haircut without our respective spouses knowing. We never took it all the way. Her hubby found out out she was coming to mine and forbade it, so we would meet at her salon, but sometimes at mine when she could sneakily get the time away...

Cut a long story short, i spilt with my ex, met a BPD new girlfriend, time was tight and found it awkward to meet my hairdresser friend.

Caught up with her recently........ so she tells the hubby she wants divorce.....this guy who she had been with for 20 years begs her back, shes not interested and twists the knife in as he has become beta... she avoids going to his mothers funeral....the poor guy has also got a sister and dad with cancer, but this biyatch will not even acknowledge him EVEN though they still live in the same house as the divorce is not finalised....she played me a ecording of him trying to reason with her...she called it "pathetic", when i heard it i thought that the guy had been stitched up by my friend?? and to top it off, she is now in an affair with a guy who is 20 years older??? but this guy will not leave his wife, so my friend (?) lives with a beta her own age who wants her, but fvcks an alpha whos 20 years older, whos married but has shown he wants her, and THEN when i meet her a week and a half ago and we get drunk, she comes and stays at mine???? didnt fvck, but reckon she's interested.....i want to AVOID though as i got a good woman now - this biyatch, who i believed was a good woman, has turned out NUTS,,,,, be warned men!

 

[MikeOck]

If you go through with this YOU WILL BE HER REBOUND. At some point in the future you will hear these words: "You are a reeeaaallly great guy and you have all of these great qualities, you are sooo amazingly [insert generic list of positive qualities here, ie: smart, funny, attractive, blah blah blah], BUT I'm just really confused and I've never really been single and [insert polite lie/excuse for her leaving you to ride numerous random c0cks]."

She is looking for someone to lesson the pain of going through a separation and potential divorce. Unless you like to get hurt, do not get involved with her.

 

[perseverance]

1. MARRIED
2. AT WORK
= 2 GOOD REASONS TO NEXT ALREADY.

that's all I read up to.

I concur.

OP, you need to think with your brain cells, not your penis.

Her husband could be a deranged lunatic and could lay some serious hurt on you.

 

[aron77]

I agree with Vlad. "I'm gonna get divorced" is often just venting at best.

At worst, she's looking to have an affair using the oldest excuse in the book...

"It's ok for me to 'cheat' because I'm getting divorced anyway."

Then she Fs some guy and later finds some 'excuse' to stay married. She didnt have enough money for the lawyer or she wanted to keep the marriage together "for the kids." At the end of the day, she's just a lying cheater.

Do not get involved with her unless she actually gets formally divorced.

She's actually told her husband she wants a divorce and they've talked about it while fighting but she just hasn't made a move. I highly doubt she would cheat or this point would be moot and I'm not trying to start an affair. I'm probably a little too close to her for her being married but other than hugging no lines have been crossed. I don't say much to her on the subject cuz I don't feel right doing so unless she does more than talk about divorce but I'm starting to think that maybe I should say it, eventho it seems pretty well implied, that I hey drop this **** and we'll get together. When she makes comments like "wait for me" when another girl is driving me crazy she is pushing me to the point where I want to tell her to sh1t or get off the pot. That comment in particular caught me off gaurd cuz it was her most direct comment while the rest is just playful banter.

 

[betheman]

She's actually told her husband she wants a divorce and they've talked about it while fighting but she just hasn't made a move. I highly doubt she would cheat or this point would be moot and I'm not trying to start an affair. I'm probably a little too close to her for her being married but other than hugging no lines have been crossed. I don't say much to her on the subject cuz I don't feel right doing so unless she does more than talk about divorce but I'm starting to think that maybe I should say it, eventho it seems pretty well implied, that I hey drop this **** and we'll get together. When she makes comments like "wait for me" when another girl is driving me crazy she is pushing me to the point where I want to tell her to sh1t or get off the pot. That comment in particular caught me off gaurd cuz it was her most direct comment while the rest is just playful banter.

How do you know? were you present? is it all information she is feeding you or do you actually know the guy?
also if their are kids on the scene, even more of a no no!
From what you have described I believe she knows exactly what she is doing, she doesnt want you to wai she wants you to make a move to give her nice safe, soft landing when the end of the marriage comes...if it comes.
I suspect you dont really know this woman that well, you certainly dont know them as a couple and what the dynamic is.

 

[escaleraroyal]

I thimk people who are divorce always have some kind of issue. No matter if its a guy or a girl.

 

[synergy1]

Overconfidence bias hard at work: "In this case its different (for ME)"

No, its not. Move on. there are plenty of other women out there.

 

[Aristippus]

Hey aron,

I'm going to re-emphasize some already good points that the other men on here have made and add a few of my own. But first, I have to mention a comment you made earlier.

aron77- "I wouldn't even be considering her if she wasn't so kind and we didn't already have some love between us."

*** Just because a woman can act friendly and sociable doesn't mean she's kind. There are plenty of ugly, mean-spirited, selfish women that have an appealing social mask but deep down they are rotten and have poor character. Look past the superficial act of sweetness.

As far as what you have between you. You don't know whether or not there's any love there. Here are the facts. She is a MARRIED woman who is either flirting and hoping something will happen or she's simply enjoying male attention and stringing you along.

Vlad Patton- "It's all fun gum flapping until she actually gets divorced."

*** Talk is cheap. Action is all that matters. Talking about divorce and actually getting a divorce are two different things.

Mike32ct- "Then she Fs some guy and later finds some 'excuse' to stay married. She didnt have enough money for the lawyer or she wanted to keep the marriage together "for the kids." At the end of the day, she's just a lying cheater."

*** Mike mentioned the one type. The woman who never had intentions of leaving but comes up with excuses. You also have the ones who simply don't have the guts to leave. They are no better. They stay with him for the money and provisioning of the husband. Some of these will cheat and others will simply have platonic friendships with men to fulfill their attention needs. Once again, these women expect the men in their lives (whether friends or romantic interests) to put them first while they put the men in their lives second. They will TALK about how unhappy they are but they will never leave. God forbid they actually have to pay their own way and make it on their own! They would rather be an emotional and financial parasite to the husband and will be emotional parasites to the men they string along. She will TALK about being unhappy and TALK about divorce.

But if she is too selfish, then that's all it will be is talk. She is basically being rewarded for her sh*tty behavior. She's receiving financial security from the husband and attention and flattery from her platonic male friends. And if she is cheating, sexual satisfaction from her lover. SHE WILL NOT LEAVE HER HUSBAND.

MikeOck- "If you go through with this YOU WILL BE HER REBOUND."


***In this case, I don't think you'll even be her rebound. From the information you gave me, it sounds like she's simply stringing you along for attention with little regard for your feelings. If you'd said "We were alone and one thing led to another and we were making out and we both decided to stop before things went too far." then I would say that you might be a rebound. Here, I think you're infatuated with her, she likes that you're infatuated with her, and she's stringing you along for all it's worth for the EGO BOOST.

perseverance- "Her husband could be a deranged lunatic and could lay some serious hurt on you."


*** I am against using violence to try to keep or win a woman. Guess what? Not everyone is like me. And especially when people are in a marriage, if a man is so inclined, he actually feels justified. He has invested a lot emotionally in her and they are STILL TOGETHER. He feels he has ownership rights. He works hard every day to pay for her sh*t. They share a bed together, even if the sex is lacking now, they at one time had a sexual history.

Even people who are not normally violent may have some violent inclinations if they feel betrayed. The normal human reaction to betrayal is anger. And although not everyone reacts violently when angry, why put yourself in a situation that increases the probability of ,at best, having to deal with unnecessary drama and ,at worst, having a violent confrontation with someone who is angry at you FOR GOOD REASON?

Would your heart even be in the fight if you felt like you had somehow wronged someone? Probably not. Would you feel like the good guy? Most likely not. Would you feel like you had done the right thing and been a straight shooter with a clear conscience? For the average man with a sense of right and wrong, I'd say probably not.

Even if you were her rebound and sex was guaranteed, the cost isn't worth it. It would do nothing but add drama to your life, in a worst case scenario it could get violent, you wouldn't feel good about yourself, and ALL over a no-good, sweet-talking, cheating snake of a woman.

aron77- "I highly doubt she would cheat"


Apparently your infatuation is blinding you and you're projecting positive attributes onto a woman that you know nothing about.... There are plenty of attractive single women out there. Leave the married ones alone. You'll feel better about yourself in the end and you'll like the man looking back at you in the mirror.

 

[aron77]

All very good points. I know how stupid I probably look for even making this post, believe me if I was on the other side of the fence I'd have a similar response. I've had such a great respect for this girl for a long time but I never even considered the possibility of anything happening between us. Now I'm in this frustrating position where I entertained the thought upon her seeming serious about divorce and I'm confident she would be a game changer type of girl so I liked the thought.

Hey aron,

I'm going to re-emphasize some already good points that the other men on here have made and add a few of my own. But first, I have to mention a comment you made earlier.

aron77- "I wouldn't even be considering her if she wasn't so kind and we didn't already have some love between us."

*** Just because a woman can act friendly and sociable doesn't mean she's kind. There are plenty of ugly, mean-spirited, selfish women that have an appealing social mask but deep down they are rotten and have poor character. Look past the superficial act of sweetness.

As far as what you have between you. You don't know whether or not there's any love there. Here are the facts. She is a MARRIED woman who is either flirting and hoping something will happen or she's simply enjoying male attention and stringing you along.

Vlad Patton- "It's all fun gum flapping until she actually gets divorced."

*** Talk is cheap. Action is all that matters. Talking about divorce and actually getting a divorce are two different things.

Mike32ct- "Then she Fs some guy and later finds some 'excuse' to stay married. She didnt have enough money for the lawyer or she wanted to keep the marriage together "for the kids." At the end of the day, she's just a lying cheater."

*** Mike mentioned the one type. The woman who never had intentions of leaving but comes up with excuses. You also have the ones who simply don't have the guts to leave. They are no better. They stay with him for the money and provisioning of the husband. Some of these will cheat and others will simply have platonic friendships with men to fulfill their attention needs. Once again, these women expect the men in their lives (whether friends or romantic interests) to put them first while they put the men in their lives second. They will TALK about how unhappy they are but they will never leave. God forbid they actually have to pay their own way and make it on their own! They would rather be an emotional and financial parasite to the husband and will be emotional parasites to the men they string along. She will TALK about being unhappy and TALK about divorce.

But if she is too selfish, then that's all it will be is talk. She is basically being rewarded for her sh*tty behavior. She's receiving financial security from the husband and attention and flattery from her platonic male friends. And if she is cheating, sexual satisfaction from her lover. SHE WILL NOT LEAVE HER HUSBAND.

MikeOck- "If you go through with this YOU WILL BE HER REBOUND."


***In this case, I don't think you'll even be her rebound. From the information you gave me, it sounds like she's simply stringing you along for attention with little regard for your feelings. If you'd said "We were alone and one thing led to another and we were making out and we both decided to stop before things went too far." then I would say that you might be a rebound. Here, I think you're infatuated with her, she likes that you're infatuated with her, and she's stringing you along for all it's worth for the EGO BOOST.

perseverance- "Her husband could be a deranged lunatic and could lay some serious hurt on you."


*** I am against using violence to try to keep or win a woman. Guess what? Not everyone is like me. And especially when people are in a marriage, if a man is so inclined, he actually feels justified. He has invested a lot emotionally in her and they are STILL TOGETHER. He feels he has ownership rights. He works hard every day to pay for her sh*t. They share a bed together, even if the sex is lacking now, they at one time had a sexual history.

Even people who are not normally violent may have some violent inclinations if they feel betrayed. The normal human reaction to betrayal is anger. And although not everyone reacts violently when angry, why put yourself in a situation that increases the probability of ,at best, having to deal with unnecessary drama and ,at worst, having a violent confrontation with someone who is angry at you FOR GOOD REASON?

Would your heart even be in the fight if you felt like you had somehow wronged someone? Probably not. Would you feel like the good guy? Most likely not. Would you feel like you had done the right thing and been a straight shooter with a clear conscience? For the average man with a sense of right and wrong, I'd say probably not.

Even if you were her rebound and sex was guaranteed, the cost isn't worth it. It would do nothing but add drama to your life, in a worst case scenario it could get violent, you wouldn't feel good about yourself, and ALL over a no-good, sweet-talking, cheating snake of a woman.

aron77- "I highly doubt she would cheat"


Apparently your infatuation is blinding you and you're projecting positive attributes onto a woman that you know nothing about.... There are plenty of attractive single women out there. Leave the married ones alone. You'll feel better about yourself in the end and you'll like the man looking back at you in the mirror.