Undoing the damage

[orester632]

Hey fellas,

I want to thank this site, it has changed my life but there is still a lot of work to be done. What sent me here was the fact that I was a total AFC, my girlfriend broke up with me, and after our breakup she slept with one of my bestfriends and it did a real number to my head, and thats how I ended up here. I have made a lot of progress, I used to worry all the time and suffer from social anxiety, it was so bad that I was actually afraid to leave the house but no more. My life is getting back on track, I've made new friends, I am starting to put my past behind me, but I still am struggling with the ladies. I'm not sure how to explain it but I am in a neutral like state, and I have been practicing the tips on this site but the girls still don't respond to me very well. It's frustrating to say the least.

I grew up with a father who was physically there but that was about it, raised by an angry mother, tv and video games. Now I also accept the fact that I am responsible as well but the conditioning has been hard to break. It's like the girls can detect that nervousness even if I try to hide it. I'm not sure how else to explain it, but man I want to get laid and get some girls but when I go out it's almost like automatic pilot and that nervousness and conditioning sets in. I want the ladies to respond to me sexually vs non sexually. Has anyone else delt with this, and what advice do you have?

 

[SandHawk]

You're posting in the mature man forum, I think the forum rules state that you need to have your age set in your profile to be allowed to post here.

As far as the conditioning and nervousness go: You need to work that out of your system gradually. That means that you need to take small steps, and understand why you're nervous around girls. After you figured out why exactly you are nervous around the girls, you can work on a way to get rid of that and slowly build up the means to attract and seduce girls.

This will not be an easy task, as you started yourself. You will need to look at yourself in a critical and confronting way, but when you discover what drives your fear, you can master it and kick it out slowly. You can't become all cool and laid back in 1 day, it'll take time. But that is all what being a DJ is about: finding ways to improve yourself.

 

[runner83]

You're posting in the mature man forum, I think the forum rules state that you need to have your age set in your profile to be allowed to post here.

As far as the conditioning and nervousness go: You need to work that out of your system gradually. That means that you need to take small steps, and understand why you're nervous around girls. After you figured out why exactly you are nervous around the girls, you can work on a way to get rid of that and slowly build up the means to attract and seduce girls.

This will not be an easy task, as you started yourself. You will need to look at yourself in a critical and confronting way, but when you discover what drives your fear, you can master it and kick it out slowly. You can't become all cool and laid back in 1 day, it'll take time. But that is all what being a DJ is about: finding ways to improve yourself.

I totally agree with that.

Overcoming all of your previous conditioning (built up over time) will take time. It must be overcome in small steps.

Being attractive to women is an instinctive part of being a man (or should be). Overcoming all the social conditioning bs is the key.

For many of us, you don't realize how much of it is out there until you stumble across So Suave and your universe literally shifts sideways.

Get with guys who "get it" and see what they do. Learn theory, apply it and also watch others apply it. Small steps...every marathon starts with a single step.

 

[boomerick]

Achilles--

Follow the NEWB line in my signature-----its all in there----start with POOK--

Pedistalizing women is probably the core of the "bad conditioning"----you were raised to believe in a Walt Disney relationship world---WRONG

Also beleiving that women will tell you what they truly want from you or how you should behave---WRONG

Start with Pook and go from there

Over and Out.

 

[squirrels]

You can't go back and undo. But you CAN go forward.

http://www.sosuave.com/articles/at/nervous.htm

Instead of viewing your anxiety as a bad thing and fighting it, try instead to HARNESS it.

 

[orester632]

I thought I did post my age, but I am 30 if that helps.

As for some of the conditioning or reasons:

My dad cheated on my mom when I was at a young age, there was a lot of fighting go on, I think I made a decision then that I would not be like my dad. At this time I became close to my mother since my dad was dealing with his own ****, and since mom was pretty angry most of the time I did my best to please her and make her happy, which obviously led to major AFCness later in life.

With dad not really being there I was spoon fed the crap by my mom and her friends. (Oh your gonna be such a sweet guy when you grow up, buy flowers, be overly NICE, etc)

My parents were poor at the time so they were working their butts off but I spent a lot of time by myself, when there was no school, couldn't afford a baby sitter, so I had to watch myself pretty much, no siblings so it was TV.

It's crazy when your a total AFC and after you get your heart stomped on and you find a site like this, my whole world was turned sideways like a previous poster mentioned, but I have made a lot of positive progress, I just want to shake this fear and nervousness because lets face it, there are a lot of good looking ladies out there.

 

[speed dawg]

It's crazy when your a total AFC and after you get your heart stomped on and you find a site like this, my whole world was turned sideways like a previous poster mentioned, but I have made a lot of positive progress, I just want to shake this fear and nervousness because lets face it, there are a lot of good looking ladies out there.

No doubt about it. It's crazy how a website I just stumbled across (when frantically googling "My girlfriend needs space" LOL) has helped my life so much. It's why I keep coming back here.

Of course you have some radicals here too. But it's all good.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

can you guys make a list of what BS social conditionning we have been brought to believe ?Thanks

Start here:
AFC Social Conventions

and here:
Operative Social Conventions

You too ORESTER

 

[SandHawk]

I had a similar background....

The key I believe is to get ride of emotionnal blocks...
or free yourself.
The thing is how do you do it ?

I already detailed part of that inthis post.

We cannot tell you how to get rid of your emotional luggage, because the process is different for everyone. This is a web forum, focused on self improvement, and the only thing we can do is give you the tools to work on yourself. These tools are put together in the DJ bible, which can be found here.

Go read it, think about what drives you, why you do certain things, and what is required for you to stop doing those. Don't make a post about every insight or question, because we cannot help with any of that. If you are nervous around a girl, ask yourself the question: "Why is this girl causing me to freak out?". Perhaps you can answer with "I want her to like me", or "I am afraid she will reject me". Once you know those answer, you can devise up a scheme to overcome that fear, problem or issue. And again, that is something you need to do yourself, because it's different for everyone.

If you really have problems overcoming those problems on your own, you could go see a therapist and have them help you gain insight.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Welcome orester,

You don't realize it now, but your ex actually did you a favor--without that awful experience, you would've ended up sleepwalking through life like most guys. The fact that you've come here shows a real desire to reach your full potential, and intent to change is the most important part of the equation.

You're going to have to start small--don't worry about closing, just focus on expanding your social circle. Be friendly, and learn to be INTERESTING. Start talking to everyone you encounter, and have fun with the interactions. Once you take the pressure ("I MUST PICKUP!") off, you'll find that the nervousness won't be as severe. At 30, you have PLENTY of time to learn to be good with women. The first step is learning how to ENJOY yourself around women!

Having a few stock conversational threads in your pocket will help initially. I like a lot of Mehow's material, you might want to check out his blog. Don't worry about being original or natural at first- just get used to talking to women. Your problems with body language will go away as you start getting comfortable.

Try warm approaches initially, too. Don't go to loud clubs; start with the goal of getting to know and interact with the women in your social circle. From there, learn to expand outwards, and introduce people to one another--that is the mark of a socially intelligent person.

Learn to take on some leadership responsibilities, even if they don't come naturally to you. Organize outings, pub crawls, parties, etc. and invite your friends. This will naturally allow you to control the frame in social settings without having to fight for it.

When you start feeling comfortable interacting with others, the success will start pouring in without much effort at all. DON'T go out to pick up girls, go out to HAVE FUN...the girls come as a consequence.

And don't fixate on your childhood issues or social conditioning--it's important to recognize them, but don't fall back on them as excuses, because you CAN and WILL overcome them.

Good Luck!

 

[jophil28]

It's like the girls can detect that nervousness even if I try to hide it. I'm not sure how else to explain it, but man I want to get laid and get some girls but when I go out it's almost like automatic pilot and that nervousness and conditioning sets in. I want the ladies to respond to me sexually vs non sexually. Has anyone else delt with this, and what advice do you have?

I am mentoring a young man right now who is terrified of rejection - just like you are.
The other day he asked me a zillion questions about what to say to a new girl - words to use that will impress her and so on...

I replied thus, " Bill, imagine that you were badazz fearless. No fear, no nervousness no fumbling and stumbling around a new hottie... If you were like that would you just know what to say and what to do ?

He said," Yep."

So I said, "OK then the next time you are standing there thinking about approaching a new chick, ask yourself " What would I do and say if I had NO fear" . When the answer jumps into your brain, just go ahead and do exactly that without hesitation.

The kid is out there working his newly found boldness right now.

 

[orester632]

I'm glad I did find this forum, I am not near as bad as I used to be but thinking back about who I used to be and how I used to act makes me shudder. I know I definitely don't want to go back to my old self, so I'll continue to push forward.

Perseverance and discipline against all opposition. Basically I need to reach between my legs and grab my balls.

Rollo, thanks for the articles, gave me some insight and a lot to think about.