Uh-oh, How can I save face?

[MisterAl]

OK, I'll try to make this short with only needed details.

I got blown off by a cutie I've been dating for a month. She works in my neighborhood and lives 15 miles away in my favorite seaport touristy place. I don't want this ghost to hang around my neck where I live and play. However I've been seeing another girl for a couple weeks, this is not a big deal. But I want to save face and leave things open with the cutie. We've got more in common and she's got a tendency to change her mind about things...

- I'm very late 20s, she's early 30s.
- I met her on the internet.
- First date, weeknight dinner, we connected.

I called 2 days later for 2nd date, nice Saturday dinner and live show. It was a phenomenal date, one of my best ever. She kinoed me all during the show. She invited me back to her place (right when I was going to walk her to her car and kiss her goodnight, damn). We talked for an hour, I made no moves until the end. I said I should go home and get some sleep, laid a lingering good-night kiss on her at the door, held her tight for a few minutes and I let her go while she was still gripping me. She watched me from her door as I left. Good, right? Left her wondering and wanting more. (I don't sleep around anyway, neither does she)

Third date, Wednesday movie/pizza. A dud. I had a bad day at work, she was in a cold mood. I did something stupid right away and it may have put her off. I pecked her on the lips and smiled when she stepped out of the car. Hey, it worked like a charm on my last girl! Whatever. Didn't work this time. Cold as ice, no response to my arm around her. During dinner she said, "In relationships I go very slowly." She walked back to her car ahead of me and got in, obviously no good-night kiss for me. Time to cut losses and walk away.

I was hurt and confused, but I ignored her for a week.

I called her last Friday afternoon for a spur-of-the-moment ice cream date. She was enthusiastic. Date was perfect, kino, romantic sunset walk, good conversation. When I dropped her off she said to me twice, "I want you to call me back." Insisting it. I put my arm around her, got the good-night kiss no problem. Good, right?

I called Monday night, answering machine picked up. I said I wanted to make dinner for her Friday. No return call. I left a short message on the machine Tuesday night, "My you're a busy girl." Probably screening calls. No return call again.

I lost it and sent an AFC-ish email Wednesday, "I've been experimenting with stir-fry cooking.." I put in some C+F about my cooking and a small digital pic of my latest stir-fry creation. Her reply yesterday was a standard get-lost line, "Looks delicious, but my parents will be in town this weekend for Father's Day, thanks anyway".

Don't know why this girl runs hot and cold. Nothing happened between Friday and Monday to suddenly turn her against me. I was out all weekend. Usually the down time works in my favor.

What's a really cool response to this email? Do I respond at all? I want something that leaves the door open, she was pretty cute. There ARE possible responses and recoveries to this I think, probably involving ignoring her for a while. And she could change her mind again. ;-)

Things have only started with the new girl so they could go either way at this point. I'd like to have cutie back, even on the back burner, but has she already turned off the stove? ;-)

Thanks for advice,
MisterAl

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

I lost it and sent an AFC-ish email Wednesday, "I've been experimenting with stir-fry cooking.." I put in some C+F about my cooking and a small digital pic of my latest stir-fry creation. Her reply yesterday was a standard get-lost line, "Looks delicious, but my parents will be in town this weekend for Father's Day, thanks anyway".

You're a weird guy. Digital pic of a stir fry?
Wow, that should get her heart racing.

Ummm...I think my parents are in town, too.........

The Bad Ass Canadian

 

[Monkey]

The girl sounds a flake.

If she really liked you, you could have emailed her a picture of your turd and she'd have come running.

 

[Bungo Pony]

There's nothing wrong with emailing a pic of the stir-fry. It's unique and different.

I agree with Monkey, she's a flake. Let the bytch call you if she ever does. If she's into you, she'll miss you and give you a call. If she doesn't, you've quit wasting your time with a flake.

 

[trevjr]

I think you blew it on the 2nd date, there you were in her place and made no moves? You kissed her and she was holding on to you and you broke away?
I would have started kissing her right away and see how far I could have gotten. I think maybe she is disappointed you didn't try something. She could say you are hot and cold too.
These rules are general rules, you have got to adapt, bob and weave!
When you have your hand on it you can't say 'oh I go slow'.

 

[sailorgirl]

A couple of thoughts.
First, dont call her anymore. Let her make the move. Dont email her back either. YOu invited her to a nice home cooked meal-something that 99% of all the women on this earth if they were truely interested in you would have had them jumping for joy. I mean women loveeeee that kind of stuff.

My guess is she has someone else she is dating or talking to thru the internet, and everytime she thinks she meets someone better in her eyes than you-she flakes. Then when that person she was interested in turns out to be a flake like most people on the internet are, she turns back to you. Remember that women on the internet personals receive 10 times the amount of responses than men do due to mens general afcishness when it comes to women. So everytime she gets a response from some guy that seems really cool in her fantasy world, she jumps at it. Then when he dissapoints, she goes back to you. I think she likes you, just not enoguh at least for right now to make a committment too. Sure sign that someone else is on her mind.

Leave her alone and if she really likes you, shell call.

 

[sailorgirl]

Also, dont feel bad or that you screwed up by kissing her when she stepped out of the car on the third date. That was a totally normal and apporpriate thing to do and which most girls would love. Keep it up.

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

Good points, Sailor Girl.

I guess it would all depend on what this girl wants, Vs. what Al wants.
If she's just into the casual thing, maybe he came on a little too strongly.
Then again, maybe not.

I think that the internet isn't a very good place to meet and maintain a relationship with somebody, for all the reasons you stated above.
The lines between fantasy and reality get blurred, because the great catch might be the next guy/girl who responds; thus making it difficult to keep any interest in the current partner.
Unless of course they are Mr. Or Mrs. Right.

The Bad Ass Canadian

 

[Quick]

Originally posted by sailorgirl
A couple of thoughts.
First, dont call her anymore. Let her make the move. Dont email her back either. YOu invited her to a nice home cooked meal-something that 99% of all the women on this earth if they were truely interested in you would have had them jumping for joy. I mean women loveeeee that kind of stuff.

My guess is she has someone else she is dating or talking to thru the internet, and everytime she thinks she meets someone better in her eyes than you-she flakes. Then when that person she was interested in turns out to be a flake like most people on the internet are, she turns back to you. Remember that women on the internet personals receive 10 times the amount of responses than men do to mens general afcishness when it comes to women. So everytime she gets a response from some guy that seems really cool in her fantasy world, she jumps at it. Then when he dissapoints, she goes back to you. I think she likes you, just not enoguh at least for right now to make a committment to. Sure sign that someone else is on her mind.

Leave her alone and if she really likes you, shell call.

This is a very good post. Listen to it. This was also my first thought. A girl doesn't just switch back and forth for no reason. The reason could be anything from her period (not in this case) to seeing other guys to being mentally unbalanced. What you know for sure is that you havent done anything to explain why she heats up and cools down. That means there's something going on in her life that explains the behavior and you simply don't know what it is.

The only wrong thing for you to do is to sit around, not date other girls, and wait for her to make up her mind about how much she likes you. You don't have to get rid of her, but you definitely need to put her on the back burner, like she has done to you.

 

[Ronin I]

I called Monday night, answering machine picked up. I said I wanted to make dinner for her Friday. No return call. I left a short message on the machine Tuesday night, "My you're a busy girl." Probably screening calls. No return call again.

I lost it and sent an AFC-ish email Wednesday, "I've been experimenting with stir-fry cooking.." I put in some C+F about my cooking and a small digital pic of my latest stir-fry creation. Her reply yesterday was a standard get-lost line, "Looks delicious, but my parents will be in town this weekend for Father's Day, thanks anyway".

This is the only thing I would've done differently. Attempting contact three days in a row is kind of AFCish.

Also, sending the pic of the stir-fry while I admit is creative and different, might make it seem like you have too much time on your hands (which is what she already thinks since you contacted her three days in a row).

Sailorgirl makes some good points. The girl is obviously kind of flaky. If it was me I would be a little pissed that she didn't bother picking up the phone to call and say she couldn't make it. Just because you think she's cute doesn't mean you should excuse her lack of courtesy.

I wouldn't respond to the email - I'd lay back and wait for her to call you and if she never does than the hell with her.

If you really do want to respond simply respond with "That's too bad. Oh well. Have a great weekend!"

And that's it.

 

[Starman]

You wanted to cook HER a meal?? Fvck That! you are young and in control, she is old and her clock is ticking ..She should be kissing YOUR ass!!!!

I would have sent her this picture and said I wanna cook you a Stir Fry!

http://webpages.charter.net/dromenesko/stirfry.jpg

 

[MisterAl]

Thanks, this is all great advice. Most has been close to what I expected to hear but didn't want to admit to myself. Move on even though it hurts.

I'm torn between regretting not doing more at her place, and realizing her IL swings seemed to be out of norm and that I'm not alone in thinking this. Although, would a girl who was really interested lose IL because I didn't get it on with her on the 2nd date? We hadn't even kissed yet and I doubt that's what she was looking for.

She even seemed great on the phone making plans for the third date. Trouble began on the start of the third date. Then the fourth date was like the third never happened. Then, poof! Over. Her IL was all over the place. Can you imagine going through life with a woman like that?

Maybe the lesson here is to Strike While the Iron Is Hot.

MisterAl

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

Maybe the lesson here is to Strike While the Iron Is Hot.

Yes and no.

Yes, If you just wanted to fvck her.

No, If you are looking for something more....

A girl like this, is nothing but trouble.

Let her go, man, and realize a better girl is on the horizon, somewhere.

The Bad Ass Canadian

 

[Starman]

you can also save alot of face, by not using so much.

I dont think this girl has low IL, I think she likes him , but is either playing him for another, or is up to something..maybe she thinks he is too young? and is looking for stability with an older gent with a more stable life/career(i.e $$$$)

the vibes are too positive (allegedly) for her to simply lose interest after a 3rd date

 

[TesuqueRed]

He's a little too close in analyzing the action and needs to take a few steps back to see what's up.

If she isn't tweaked, she's a player. And if she isn't a player, she's high maintenance. I think it's a combo of all 3 in varying degrees.

And, uh, that's 3 red flags of sorts, too. Some you can handle, some you can't. Decide which.

Anyway, you sound like you're ok on other options, so nexting her should be just like a casual blow-off type thing. No insult intended, but you don't sound like the "I'm deep and take things seriously" type, so rolling with this one shouldn't be any issue, right?

I mean, the issue seems to be that you want to be the one who disses the other and then walk, or get the last word in, or show her, or whatever---yes? I'd say just don't reply or call or anything, Just make sure she sees you with someone younger and hotter when next you run into her. Then be friendly and fun and blow her off. You will have made your point.

 

[Jay26]

Ok, from my experience with girls like this, yes, you should have struck while the iron was hot, doublely so since she's an indecisive chick (maybe even a player). You should slap yourself for walking out, what were you thinking man!?

I'd also advise against any type of AFC-ish behavious (like the cooking) since if she's not flakey, she's either indecisive or a player, both of which means she's got options and you're lowering the value of your stock by doing stuff like that for her.

I'd suggest moving on and finding a normal girl, she's not worth the hassle you'll get if you stick around, believe me, I've been there. You do realise of course that once you hook up with someone new she will magically make up her mind that she actually does want to be with you, at which points who cares!

 

[Walden]

For the record;

The stir-fry bit was cool.
You have waay too much technology.
The girls a flake.

 

[violator]

Some valuable lessons to be learned here:

1. A mature late 20's - 30's woman who invites you in to her place after a night out is lookin' to get laid. Obviously, this chick knew what she wanted and you did not give it to her. This should be painfully clear and something to consider the next time around.

2. Yes, this girl is a flake of sorts as women off the internet usually are. The easiest and most effective way to unflake a girl like this is to give her the best sex she has ever had. Then, more likely than not, you will not be able to get rid of her.

Just my .02

 

[StuartScott x 2]

Is internet dating the new trend nowadays?


I might have to check that $hit out.

Anyone have any success with adultfriendfinder.com