Two Faced Male Buddy: need advice

[logicallefty]

Having some trouble with a male buddy of mine. Been friends for about 3 years and we work together.

At work, everything is 100% cool 100% of the time. When we grab a brewski or do something by ourselves, everything is 100% cool. The problem is when we get out in social situations when others are around, other guy friends but especially if there are females around. This buddy feels the need to just RIP me to pieces. Joking around is normal but it gets down to every word I say, to the point where it goes from funny to annoying. It's obvious that he's trying to show off in front of others because this doesn't happen when it's just us.

The other night we were drinking with some other male and female friends and he drove me to the point with his sh!T that I ripped into him pretty good about his weight, his lack of skills with women, and his excessive smack talk about life in general that he doesn't have the ability to backup generally.. He tried to tell me that my tactics for women that I got from this site are completely BS. I told him I dont take advise from an AFC and he didn't know that it was, so I said "go Google it".. BTW this same night, I got the waitress's phone number midway through the night, but he still tried to smack talk me after that..

ANyway, I think my lashing back at him got to him because a few nights later he said (referring to the other night) "man, you are a hurtful person, don't take everything so seriously"..

Bottom line: Its not my nature to have to rip on others to better myself, especially with my buddies... In fact, I am more likely to do just the opposite, which is say good things about my buddies in the company of others.. However, it is my nature to respond to not one or two but several dozen slashes in the chest with a quick chainsaw to the jugular, especially when I've had a few to drink.. I don't want to sit all night and not be able to open my mouth without getting every syllable of every word ripped on.. Again, some is fine and expected, but after a while, its just annoying and nothing else..

I guess I am asking... What can I do to make this buddy as cool to me around people as he is when it's just me and him, how can I get him to town his smack talk about 4 notches when we are around other people?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Sounds like the two of you have different definitions of friendship. It makes no difference who's right or who's wrong though, the fact that there is a difference is the thing that is effecting your relationship.

Talk to him one on one and tell him what you posted here. Either the two of you will come to a mutually, satisfactory agreement or you will redefine your friendship. You're both grown men, handle the situation accordingly.

 

[DJDamage]

Maybe you should stop hanging around your buddy so much if he causes you so much grief.

 

[A-Unit]

Re:

Had a friend of 4 years. Dropped him over similar things.

I'd stopped calling him after a series of spats made everything feel "unfriendly." I don't tolerate BS. There's nothing "linking" or obligating me to anyone that I have to take BS, especially if I don't give any back. The details are irrelevant.

Fast forward, he calls again, I'm starting a Flag Football team, and he wants on, since he missed out on previous seasons. He asks why we stopped being friends for quite some time. I tell him the reason. He recognizes what happened and apologizes. Now he feels like better friends than before. We get the team going, he makes practice numero uno, preseason, and none else.

He fails to pay the balance on the team dues.
On the day of our first game, he chooses to move furniture for himself. And then says he will be late b/c he's buying football gloves. I tell him if he's late, the gloves are useless anyways since he won't be able to use them. He never shows for game #1. No answer for several days. A week goes by. Miss game/practice #2. Finally surfaces at practice #3, apologizes to me, won't miss anymore. Then we arrange to drive to game #3, and says b/c it's near the thanksgiving holiday, his gf, who apparently wear's the pants, is complaining to go out and drink. Our game/practice is set for 7pm, he'd easily have been at the bars for 9pm, plenty of time to party. Furthermore, he says he wants to go, but he hems and haws over his gf's attitude. He never shows. I decide there he's off the team w/out notifying him, since he'd never paid the balance anyways. The guys on the team who'd met him, don't like him anymore, since he never had the balls to at least a) quit or b) just say he wasn't coming.

Mind you, I called just to confirm all this. I had no problem with him missing games, it's his life and money, but this is one incident, the one that ended any friendship, and I'm glad. Yet, don't join up, then uncommitt and cost me money on your mistakes.

He sends me one more email, the other day saying he texted me "MERRY XMAS, but I didn't respond." Duh. Why would I? The holidays aren't a pass to me. He was an azz the rest of the year, you don't get the benefit of being in holiday cheer just b/c it's the holidays, while you were a dolt the remainder of the year.

IMO, "worry" around friends is cause for dropping them as friends. We attach "definitions" to these things, and operate in some mental matrix of programming. Friend. Family. GF. Wife. Boss. And then we act accordingly, like the SIM game. At some point the scale tips, and a 3 year friendship MAY BE comprised of MORE bs than fond memories. I'd hit that point.

What do we do when friends get this?

For me, it's tough love. Tell them straight up. If they don't agree, screw it. Move on. If someone can't at least see SOME small error on their part, or have a conversation over it so you can flesh out THEIR perspective you're wasting your emotions and your time on nobody special. You might have 3-4 years vested as I did, but when the balance of good situations to bad ones begins to close in, it's time to re-consider your relationship. The same applies with women.

I've had friends not just be rippers, to make themselves feel better, but also be cheaters who try to steal my GF or date. They were gone on spot. I can respect someone who's done wrong, and an ENEMY friend is move valuable than a TRUE friend, b/c the true friend will always blow your mind doing the unthinkable. An enemy friend won't. They'll be devoted. I've had that, too. Some friend who's screwed up so bad, IS screwed up, but not towards me. This guy was a chronic thief, in trouble with the law, dumb as a dog, but loyal as one, too. One time my dad jokingly said he'd like some steak, high priced stuff, so my friend stole it that day, and only said he'd stolen it later on. If he heard someone even begin talking ish, or guys look the wrong way, he'd lose it. He'd cuss at girls who acted *****y. He was pitbull. If you were against him, forget it. He's in the military now, and still calls, but I don't trust him. That lesson came from 48 laws of power, which says an enemy friend is more loyal than a TRUE friend, because as we know, ALL people are human, and doomed to fail at some point.


A-Unit

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Maybe you should stop hanging around your buddy so much if he causes you so much grief.

Yeah, next his ass if he ain't treating you right!!! :cuss:

Doesn't it sound like a bad relationship with a girlfriend? The problem is that they have a history together and breaking something that's long term can be difficult even if it is one of your buds. Hopefully they can work it out but if they can't, there is always the other option.

 

[DJDamage]

Yeah, next his ass if he ain't treating you right!!! :cuss:

Yep. Some rules can be applied for both having a girlfriend or a male friend.

What it all comes down to is respect. If you don't get respect from either one, you get sh1t on.

If your friend is the only social outlet you got and you follow him everywhere he goes, its no wonder he doesn't respect you. If that's not the case then you are better off hanging out with friends who do respect you.

 

[Microphone Fiend]

when im with my friends, we rip on each other constantly. But if someone is doing it excessively they usually get pulled to the side and warned or scolded. Just pull him to the side and tell him to lay off or you'll keep responding. He doesnt realize that what he says is egging you on probably. Dont expect him to stop, its gonna take a while to overcome the impulse and bite his toungue, but trust me, ive been there b4

 

[logicallefty]

I believe in ending the threads I started with the result so here goes:

Was with this buddy and we ran into a female we mutually know, during work actually this was... He didn't attack when I said "HI" to her but he attacked the very first thing I said after.. I said to him "whew, aren't we b***hy today". Looked at her and said "he's PMSing today, just ignore him".. Talked for about 30 seconds to her and off we went.. He gave me the cold treatment after that..

Then later that day I send him and IM, told him that I do notice how his behavior towards me changes when others are around and he needed to change his game immediately... I told him he is welcome to rattle my cage but he needed to learn how to do it without being a d**k and nailing me on every single thing..

He didn't respond, and remained cold..

After work that night, I pretended like nothing happened and as we were both ending out shifts I said "wanna go grab a beer?".. He actually went without hesitation, we had our beer(s), didn't talk about what happened earlier today once.. This was early last week..

By God, I think this helped because Friday we were talking to another female and he started to stay something in response to something I said, but than changed and said something that was funny but not being a d**k..

Moral of the story that I learned: if your buddies are disrespecting you, it's ok to call them on it.. And if they continue to disrespect you, I agree with the responses from you guys, cut em loose and find new friends.. He was heading that direction, but, maybe it will all be cool now..