Twelve Common Things Guys Do To Screw Up With Girls

[Speculator E]

1. Always "being there" on the phone

inexperienced guys think if he talks for hours on a phone with a girl, he will become more "boyfriend material" to her. Very wrong! The opposite will actually be occurring and she'll lose respect and interest for you. Why? Because you would become too available, too easy and you signal you have no life. If a guy has value, his time has value too -- which means he doesn't waste it spending the next three hours on the phone. People value something when it's rare. If you give time too freely, then you're not valuable.

Often times, girls call guys for idle chatter when she's bored. If you think it means she likes you, try this experiment. Call her for idle chatter in return. I bet most of the time, she wouldn't want to talk when you need it. Or she'll chat a few minutes and want to hang up. That's because (duh!!!) she doesn't really like you. She calls you for idle chatter only because you've been identified as the schmuck willing to entertain her whenever she's bored.

Don't get me wrong, if something bad happened, you want to be there on the phone. Otherwise, never do a phone marathon session with her. Never. And if she calls, don't always pick up or return her calls. If you do pick up, talk for 10 minutes max and make sure you're the one who ends the conversation. Long talks are reserved for person-to-person encounters.


2. Saying the perfect things to her

inexperienced guys think in order to get a girl interested, he has to say the perfect things to her. You know...he compliments her constantly, never uses profanity, avoids controversy, always saying what (he thinks) she wants to hear, etc. You're the perfect guy! Or so you believe. Buahaha.gif

but think about it. Your parents don't say perfect things to each other -- and yet they still love each other. You don't say perfect things to your friends -- and yet, they're still your friends. The point is, if you say perfect things all the time, it will have the opposite of the intended effect. She will think of you as being predictable and lacking in humor and confidence.

You need to sometimes say something controversial, unpredictable and edgy. If done correctly, she won't get offended and, in fact, she would like you more! "your last boyfriend worked at the gap? I thought only gay guys worked there!" or "you play basketball?! Girls can't play basketball!". Candid things like that. It shows you have a sense of humor, a sense of confidence and that you can speak comfortably around her like old friends. And if you speak openly, it will invite her to do the same -- which is a great way to build rapport.

It's ok to say something mildly sexist or homophobic (the key word here is "mildly"). The only girls who would get offended are the uptight or political types. You don't want to date those types anyways. Just don't go overboard with those comments...use common sense! And never say something offensive pertaining to race, religion or handicap. Those are always no-nos.


3. Being unwilling to walk away

you know that feeling. You've been pursuing this girl but she doesn't appreciate your attention and kindness. In fact, she constantly does thoughtless crap to you in return. You're pissed and want to drop her from your life -- but you like her too much and don't want to risk losing a friend. So you grin and bear it and pretend you're not upset. After all, you're demonstrating unconditional love and hope the girl will eventually be impressed...right?

Wrong!!! If you do this, the opposite effect will occur. If you let her step all over you, she'll lose all interest in you (and you can expect more shabby treatment). Girls don't want unconditional love from clingy spineless wimps. She wants a man she can respect. How do you get respect? Well, you certainly don't get respect by constantly being stepped on! You get respect by standing up to her and demonstrating your willingness to walk away forever. She will appreciate and respect a guy only when there is risk of losing him.

In other words, in order to keep her, you must demonstrate you can dump her when she misbehaves.

Another reason girls don't want wimpy guys is because girls want a man to be her "superior". Let's cut the crap about gender equality. Girls want a guy whom she thinks is "better" than her (older, more educated, earns more money, drives better car, etc). If a guy is spineless and wimpy, she won't think of him as a superior and, hence, he's not boyfriend material.

If you have to resort to dropping her, don't stress. If she comes back to you, that's great! If she doesn't, that's also great because retarded people don't belong in your life. It's a win-win situation for you!


4. When a girl flakes on a date, you ask to reschedule

all guys have experienced the disappointment of a girl flaking out on a date. When this happens, his first inclination is to get upset and request she reschedule.

Wrong move!!! If you vent anger, show disappointment or ask that she reschedule, you are showing desperation. Girls do not want a desperate guy. You can never force her to show up for a date anyway. So the more desperate and forceful you sound, the more unlikely she'll ever go out with you. Not to mention, as mentioned in tip #3, she will identify you as a clingy wimp whom she can step on.

Instead, play it cool and pretend it wasn't a big deal. "you can't make it? Oh well, maybe next time!" -- then talk about other things. Hopefully, you can hint you were out having fun with someone else anyway. Or, you can lie and say "that's ok, i didn't show up either". Whichever you do, you never ask to reschedule. Let her bring it up first. If she doesn't, you don't ask. Period.

Some girls flake to test how much you like her. Never play her game. Because if you do, she'll be in control. And remember (from tip #3), if she's in control, you're not her superior. If you're not her superior, you're not boyfriend material.

Eventually, give her another chance by asking her out again after a week or two. If she flakes again, drop this piece of trash immediately. If she's this disrespectful during the courtship process, imagine what a nightmare she'd be in a relationship.


5. Being too romantic

inexperienced guys think you need to aggressively sweep a girl off her feet with roses, love letters and sweet words. Isn't this what girls swoon over in chick flicks, romance novels and love songs?

Wronggggg!! Two reasons why being aggressively romantic is a turn off. First, in order to get her interested, you must keep her guessing. When you're being too romantic, you are confirming your affection. Not good. If she's unsure, she'll go nuts and spend hours on the phone seeking advice from friends. The more unsure she is, the more obsessed she becomes. The more obsessed she becomes, the more she will like you.

Second -- and more importantly -- girls develop interest in a guy gradually and slowly. When you're being aggressively romantic, you are forcing the issue and pressuring her to make a decision. Instead of reciprocating your affection, she will likely run. You can never pressure a girl to like you. Instead, you must exercise patience and let her slowly develop an emotional attachment. When doing it correctly (read my tips), it will slowly creep up on her until one day...boom!!...she suddenly realizes she can't live without you.

So if you have to give a gift, it should be something humorous and not romantic. Giving a dozen roses is a no-no. Writing a romantic poem is a no-no. These types of gifts exerts pressure and implies you're demanding something in return. Instead, give something silly, cute and imaginative with a funny note and with no strings attached. This is a more effective way to win her affection than your lame corny romantic babble.

 

[Speculator E]

6. Revealing too much information about yourself

inexperienced guys think that if they reveal tons of information about himself, she would feel closer to him. After all, isn't that what friends do? They share everything?

Wrong move, buddy!!! Yeah, that's what friends do. But do you only want to be "just friends"? Two main reasons why this is a blunder.

First, she will be more interested if you're a bit mysterious. When you're mysterious, she will think about you. The more she thinks about you, the more she will like you. Don't agree? Try this experiment. The next time she asks what you're doing this weekend, tell her "sorry, i really can't say" (and give a devilish smile). She might pretend not to care...but she's only pretending. If she didn't care, she wouldn't have asked. By not telling, i promise you'll be more in her thoughts than if you did. She'll also be impressed by you having enough confidence to say no to her. You're a person of value, not a spineless puppet who reveals whatever she demands to know.

Second, why the hell are you talking so much about yourself anyway? You should be talking about her. Girls are highly egocentric and you should feed that ego by focusing the conversation on her. It's easy. Just listen (or pretend to) and ask follow up questions. She'll be impressed by what a great person you are to talk to even though she's doing most of the talking. Besides, it allows you to gain insight on her (such as, what gifts she likes) or you realize you should dump her if she reveals something psycho.

This is not to say you shouldn't reveal anything about yourself. People develop intimacy when sharing about themselves. But i'm sure you have enough common sense to know what you have to say. Like everyone else, you have a natural tendency to talk about yourself. Just remember to restrain that tendency when being too revealing. It's all about finding the right balance. If she complains "you never tell me anything", you know you're striking the right balance.


7. Waiting too long to ask her out

even if you see her often at school, at work or in church, you need to ask her out. Being together in-person outside your normal environment builds intimacy and creates shared experiences. You should ask within weeks of meeting her once there is solid footing to the friendship. Otherwise, you risk the friendship remaining just that...a friendship.

So why is it better asking earlier than later? Three reasons.

First, if you ask early, she would know this is normal part of your routine. What's wrong with wanting to spend alone with a friend? Big stinking deal. But if you wait months (or even years) before suddenly asking, she might feel surprised and awkward. Your invitation should sound like a casual suggestion, not an abrupt surprise. So make it a pratice early in the friendship. Make it casual, of course. Don't use the words "date" or "go out". Just suggest meeting over coffee or going over homework at the library. Let her get used to you asking so that, everytime you do, it's not that big of a deal.

Second, asking early establishes you as someone who has confidence and takes charge. Girls do not want passive wimps who cannot make decisions, cannot lead and afraid of risk. She would also assume that you also ask other girls out since you're so casual and uninhibited about it. A bit of jealousy and paranoia on her part is definitely good for you!

Third, asking early allows you to screen her out immediately. Rejection isn't that big of a deal when you don't really like her yet. If you've been her friend (and admirer) for the longest time, there would be so much more pressure to land that date and so much more disappointment if she declines. And how sucky it is to jeopardize a friendship you've taken so long to build. It's better to know early and not waste time on just one fish.


8. confessing your feelings

confessing your feelings is one of the stupidest things you can ever do. Think about it logically. What does it accomplish? If she doesn't like you, confessing won't suddenly make her attracted to you. If she does like you, two bad things can happen:

- first, as mentioned in tip #5, girls always desire a guy who keeps her guessing. When you confess, you remove all the mystery and she knows you're a sure thing. It's human nature not to value what they have or something easy to get. This is why a girl is most passionate when she questions his intentions. Do you think she stays up at night pondering how nice you are? Or do you think she stays up at night pondering whether you like her?

- second, when you confess, expect things to become awkward. The friendship no longer feels natural. Both parties begin to act weird, paranoid and play really stupid games. You know the feeling. Nothing like love tearing people apart.

So let's repeat. If she doesn't like you, confessions don't do squat. If she does like you, confessions may cause her to lose interest and make things awkward. Weigh the pros and cons and you'll realize it's a risk not worth taking.

Besides, if she already seems to like you, confessions are unnecessary! The friendship can progress naturally without the pressure, awkwardness and other costs and risks involved with a sudden confession.

Many guys feel a need to confess when something goes wrong. Perhaps she begins to lose interest or the friendship is going nowhere. As such, a confession is really an act of desperation. My friend, nothing worthwhile is acheived though desperation!! The likely reason she's slipping away is because he's been doing the bad things mentioned on this thread -- being too nice, too romantic, too available, etc. If that's the case, he should fix these things instead and not resort to taking the easy way out by confessing and screwing things up even more!


9. Failure to initiate touching

some guys refrain from touching because they're afraid of coming off as being too aggressive or perverted. Others believe they need to respect her personal space until they get permission to enter. These are the thoughts of "nice guys" -- thoughts that will land them squarely into the friendzone.

Once you've established a friendship with her, you must start finding excuses to initiate brief touching. Start with something innocent like brushing her on her arm when something funny is said. You're testing whether she welcomes it. If she doesn't seem to mind or (better yet!) touches you back, you should escalate little by little over time until you can just put your arms around her without awkwardness.

Three reasons why you must do this:

First, it establishes your confidence and masculinity. If she touches you first, that's great. But never wait for her to initiate and never ask for permission ("can i have a hug?" laugh.gif ). Remember, you're the one wearing the pants. Girls expect guys to get a bit physical with them...just like they expect you to open doors and pay for a date. If you don't touch, she may see you as asexual and passive -- characteristics opposite of a guy.

Second, realize that touching is highly important to girls. They use it to establish social bonding. If you can escalate touching so that you can just cuddle her for the longest time, it will convey a deep sense of closeness that words cannot accomplish. It is also a great way to signal that you and her aren't "just friends" because regular friends don't do this.

Third, touching is a fantastic way to screen out the retards. There will be girls who will flinch away when you touch them. If she does this, she's either uptight or doesn't like you -- both of which is a clear sign she's wasting your time.


10. Pursuing her when she's losing interest

this is a common scenario most guys have encountered:

You've been pursuing a girl for the longest time and, slowly but surely, she's been warming up to you. You're on cloud nine! But lately, she seems to lose interest and you're beginning to panic. You haven't done anything wrong. You're still the sweetheart she's supposed to love. Yet, she's slipping away without reason and it's driving you insane! So you figure it's time for you to win her back by doing whatever it takes. More gifts, more compliments, more letters, more attention, more everything!!!

Horrible move, buddy!! The reason she's losing interest is because you're making the mistakes mentioned on this thread. You're too nice, too available, too romantic, too <fill-in-the-blank>. You shouldn't be doing this in the first place, but it's too late. All your niceness is causing her to become overconfident and arrogant. You're too easy and she's in control. Mix these two elements together and you're screwed. If you continue to pursue, her oversized ego will inflate further until she loses every bit of affection and respect for you.

When you encounter this situation, you cannot pursue her. You must do the opposite and dump her! Pretend you've lost interest and treat her like you'd treat anyone else. Don't give special attention. Don't answer/return her calls. If she says "hi", you say "hi" and move on. Be seen with other girls. Don't seek her out. Don't do it, no matter how much the temptation. Be patient and keep your cool.

Once it's your turn to lose interest, it will be her turn to panic! Don't be surprised if she does psycho stuff to get your attention again. Girls love being admired. Once it slips away, she will fight to protect that euphoric feeling. Now that you've demonstrated you can live without her, her respect and appreciation for you will return.

 

[Speculator E]

11. When she walks by, you always give her your fullest attention

Inexperienced guys think that when he sees the girl walk by, he should drop everything to give her his fullest attention. If he's with friends, he leaves his friends to talk to her. If he's doing something important, he puts it away. If he's on the phone, he hangs up. He wants her to know she's top priority. What a great boyfriend he'd make, right?

LAME MOVE!! roflol.gif Congratulations for landing in her friendzone in record time.

Of course, you must give special attention. But give too much and it longer becomes special. If everyday was Christmas, nobody would celebrate it. The attention you give should be about quality, not quantity. So once-in-a-while, become an absolute sweetheart and sweep her off her feet. Other times, you give friendly attention. Other times, say "hi" and move on. And once-in-a-rare while, you ignore her. You might think she'll get pissed and dump you. WRONG. No girl ever loses interest because the guy walked by without saying "hi". She might not like it, but it will only make her realize how much she values your attention.

Another thing. Girls want a guy who's popular and has a life. If a guy is constantly surrounded by cool people (especially girls), he will be perceived as being more attractive. An average-looking guy who's popular and fun will always go on more dates than a good-looking boring loner. To show that you're a fun guy, she must see you laughing and socializing with other people. Now, why can't you do both? Why can't you socialize with her and your other friends? Because you also want her to see that you can have fun without her. That means, you will need to sometimes ignore her while she sees you busy socializing with other people.

Think about it. Do you think she stays up at night pondering about you playing Xbox alone on a Saturday evening? Or is she pondering about what kind of wild partying you're doing without her on a Saturday evening?


12. You do not believe in yourself

I sort of cheated on this last tip. Not believing in yourself is not a "mistake", it's an attitude. But this concept is so important, I feel a need to include it. This concept is everything. LISTEN UP!! clapping.gif

Why do you guys make the mistakes mentioned on this thread? Simple. Because you lack confidence and self-esteem. Without it, you compensate by being too nice, too romantic, too available, etc. If you had confidence, you wouldn't need to suck up to her. In fact, you would feel she should suck up to you instead.

THIS IS THE MOST VALUABLE "TIP" OF THIS THREAD. HAVING CONFIDENCE. Once you have it, you won't make these mistakes and you'll attract girls without trying.

So what are the traits of a CONFIDENT guy?

- He is friendly but never clings, kisses up or conforms to others to win friendship.
- He makes people laugh and has interesting stories to share.
- He is never hellbent on pursuing anyone...in fact, you often have to pursue him.
- He is unafraid to make the first move.
- He acts decisively and makes things happen, not wait for others to initiate.
- He can be aloof, distant and unavailable.
- He is outspoken, has opinions and speaks with enthuasism...but also knows when to STFU.
- He has goals and interests that he pursues with passion
- He does not get scared (at least he doesn't show it).
- He seems to fit in no matter where he is or who he's with.
- He is surrounded by fun and interesting people
- He does the right thing regardless of the consequences.
- He doesn't care what others think of him.
- He is constantly busy (or seems that way).
- He does not seek confrontation but never allows others to bully or step all over him.
- He does not get emotional, petty, flustered or fussy.
- He can disagree with others without offending them.
- He is a leader without being an a--hole
- He is a bit rebellous.
- He lives for today.
- He is popular without trying.

You must do whatever it takes to be this person. Girls will think you're "that cool guy" who has a life and worth chasing, not the spineless wimp wooing her with lame romantic garbage.

Some girls will try to tear down a confidence guy by calling him "conceited" or "arrogant" or "****y". Guess what? That's because she's madly interested in him!! She wouldn't try to change him if she weren't interested. She knows his confidence is sexy to other girls so she tears him down to reduce competition.

I know it's hard to gain confidence. It happens through years of doing the right thing, being proud of who you are -- and lots of practice. But once you have it, you'll walk around with that aura of coolness....something people call "charisma". Once you believe you're a person of value, girls will also believe it. If you don't, neither will they. Remember -- "Before you achieve, you must believe".

-Unknown

 

[Alex DeLarge]

This is an awesome post. Everyone on this board really needs to see this!

 

[Maxtro]

Is it me or do parts of 5 and 7 conflict.

Specifically

girls develop interest in a guy gradually and slowly. When you're being aggressively romantic, you are forcing the issue and pressuring her to make a decision. Instead of reciprocating your affection, she will likely run. You can never pressure a girl to like you. Instead, you must exercise patience and let her slowly develop an emotional attachment. When doing it correctly (read my tips), it will slowly creep up on her until one day...boom!!...she suddenly realizes she can't live without you.

And

7. Waiting too long to ask her out

even if you see her often at school, at work or in church, you need to ask her out. Being together in-person outside your normal environment builds intimacy and creates shared experiences. You should ask within weeks of meeting her once there is solid footing to the friendship. Otherwise, you risk the friendship remaining just that...a friendship.

So why is it better asking earlier than later? Three reasons.

First, if you ask early, she would know this is normal part of your routine. What's wrong with wanting to spend alone with a friend? Big stinking deal. But if you wait months (or even years) before suddenly asking, she might feel surprised and awkward. Your invitation should sound like a casual suggestion, not an abrupt surprise. So make it a pratice early in the friendship. Make it casual, of course. Don't use the words "date" or "go out". Just suggest meeting over coffee or going over homework at the library. Let her get used to you asking so that, everytime you do, it's not that big of a deal.

Second, asking early establishes you as someone who has confidence and takes charge. Girls do not want passive wimps who cannot make decisions, cannot lead and afraid of risk. She would also assume that you also ask other girls out since you're so casual and uninhibited about it. A bit of jealousy and paranoia on her part is definitely good for you!

Third, asking early allows you to screen her out immediately. Rejection isn't that big of a deal when you don't really like her yet. If you've been her friend (and admirer) for the longest time, there would be so much more pressure to land that date and so much more disappointment if she declines. And how sucky it is to jeopardize a friendship you've taken so long to build. It's better to know early and not waste time on just one fish.

How can she slowly develop her feelings if you ask her out right away?

I've never understood quickly asking out girls. Frankly if she has no feelings for you, why would she go on a date?

 

[st_99]

Most if not all of this list revolves around having no confidence when it comes to women. Its all stuff you do when you're afraid of losing her. They are all symptoms that can be treated but the root cause is usually just a lack of experience with women.

Once you get with enough girls and go through a couple painful experiences, you slowly gravitate towards the right thing and stop doing whats on this list. For some, it takes a lot longer than others but with the help of this site for example, you can speed up the process.

 

[Rhino]

Post is gold. Summarizes all the basic aspects perfectly.

 

[DonWayne]

Everything makes sense and I agree to your points. Every newbie should read this.

 

[nismo-4]

This post belongs in my courtroom files! You are awarded rep for this!

 

[CaptainAmerica1]

Great post. The final section on confidence is well said

 

[CaptainAmerica1]

Speculator, would I be able to email you with a few questions?

 

[Skyline]

I support this

You basically summed up the "Attitude" section of the DJ Bible.

 

[Speculator E]

Speculator, would I be able to email you with a few questions?

LOL. sure I didn't write it but go ahead. I'm not an expert.

 

[Speculator E]

Is it me or do parts of 5 and 7 conflict.

Specifically

And


How can she slowly develop her feelings if you ask her out right away?

I've never understood quickly asking out girls. Frankly if she has no feelings for you, why would she go on a date?

There's a balance. You don't want to move too fast. But you don't want to move too slow. You have to calibrate and figure out where that sweet spot is.

 

[fuko2007]

i have to disagree with a few things, but most of everything is spot on. Im talking to a girl right now and she go's through spells where she seems like she is loseing intrest. I dont ignor her but make myself seem more distant. Also along with that she will begin to ask me what im doing at such and such time or if i have something planned and she finds out she asks. If i said i cant tell you she would probabially not act like she didnt care but get pretty mad and try to turn things around. But at the same time if she calls i pick up but never call her, i let her do all that. Im there for her if she wants to do something but if she starts acting weird and distant i just say ok, im going to go hang out with my the boys on the lake. So she knows i have options, and things to do. But the rest is spot on and i would have to agree.

 

[floydb25]

Man, I used to do ALL of these things, and bombed so hard. Good stuff here... very true.

 

[anotheruser1001]

OP or anyone that knows the game well, do you guys have a set of quick fixes for those of us that have committed these mistakes and still wish to pursue?

Most will probably say that if you've made several of these with one woman it's better to move on, but that answer doesn't apply.

Please also link to more thorough answers where applies, thanks guys.

 

[Jariel]

I love these summaries. A whole heap of valuable information in a concise form.

I agree with every point!

 

[hello_clydes]

I was looking for some guidance or at least a little advice on how not to screw things up with a girl then i came upon this piece of EPICNESS!!!! This is the freaking Lost Ark of the Covenant that Indian Jones failed to find. So awesome that is MIND BLASTING not mind blowing. I registered on the forums and made this post to show my humble appreciation for the magnificent GOD that made this post. Dude if i ever met you in real life i would freaking bow down and worship the ground you walk on.

 

[JaegerPilot217]

I believe a simple way to sum all of this up, is pretty much women only want to date and sleep with, are only sexually attracted to men who are an overall better person than she is, she wants him to be better than her, not necessarily better looking than her, but better in terms of quality of life