Trying to take control, what do u guys think?

[razor113]

What's up guys, you all gave me some advise about this girl I've been trying to get with. Long story short, I've been the one that's been trying to get with her, I mean she liked me alot and all but it's always been me doing the pursuing.
Side note: we both have bf/gf and we've been trying to hook up with each other..
Well anyway, I kinda turned the tables on her right now. I had a long talk with her about alot of issues and I also mentioned that I won't be pursuing her any longer, if she still has her man, etc..
After I was done with the convesation, I asked her what she thought and what she got out of it (the conversation).
The first and only thing she said was "What I got out of it was that you're not going to pursue me anymore?", to which I answered "I'm not, I'm not a doormat".
It kinda felt like I took control at that point. I'm hoping that it doesn't backfire on me, what do you guys think? I'm sure alot of u here have taken that control from her before, what happened? Will she realize what she'll be missing out on, or will she just let things be?
I know there's no definite answer but I want to know what u guys think.
Thanks!

 

[razor113]

Anyone? I'm trying to figure out if I did the right thing?

 

[BrotherAP]

What you said isn't as important as you sticking to your guns.

At this point, cut her off completely. Ignore her phonecalls, emails, sms, text, IM, PM, voicemail, email, myspace, whatever. You don't have time.

Don't get all emo about breaking up with her. It's time to move on.

If you hear, down the road, that she has broken up with her boyfriend then move in for the kill. Until that day that may never come, just forget about her.

Oh yeah, and - dump that girlfriend of yours.

 

[razor113]

Originally posted by BrotherAP
What you said isn't as important as you sticking to your guns.

At this point, cut her off completely. Ignore her phonecalls, emails, sms, text, IM, PM, voicemail, email, myspace, whatever. You don't have time.

Don't get all emo about breaking up with her. It's time to move on.

If you hear, down the road, that she has broken up with her boyfriend then move in for the kill. Until that day that may never come, just forget about her.

Oh yeah, and - dump that girlfriend of yours.

That's what I'm planning on doing, thanks man. How long do I keep it up for though? KNow what I mean?
What if she sais she's serious about ME now?

 

[Horse Whisperer]

Yep - been through something similar myself!
It is really hard if you are into someone but get the feeling it is not reciprocated in the way you want. The fact that you know it is you who is doing most of the pursuing indicates this.

She has no motivation to leave her fella as she is getting the best of both worlds - and perhaps you are too. (cliche but true!)
Also, I think some girls wait to be kicked out of a failing relationship by the MAN - so as to absolve them of any guilt. This of course, could mean the situ goes on indefinitely (not good!)

Basically, I tend to agree with the other post here. You have made the first correct move by cutting her off. Be ruthless and stick to it. If you are sure there is no light at the end of the tunnel then terminate your relationship with your girl and start schmoozing other women.

Don't forget= it doesnt matter if, post you cutting her off, she says she 'wants' or is 'serious' about you now. It is *her* ACTIONS that count. Always go on her actions else you will lose the plot.

Be strong and best of luck

 

[addidasss]

I've been there myself. i learned that it's no point to be the one taking the initiative.

but i still end up doing it again. i just want to slap myself.

 

[GuitarOnFire]

Can a relationship work if there is a constant power struggle? I'm guessing no.

I was in a similar situation recently, and it just seemed like my decisiveness was being countered with her struggling to be the one leading. We haven't even gone on a single date yet....so this is obviously not a good start.

 

[DJ4Real]

Originally posted by GuitarOnFire
Can a relationship work if there is a constant power struggle? I'm guessing no.

I was in a similar situation recently, and it just seemed like my decisiveness was being countered with her struggling to be the one leading. We haven't even gone on a single date yet....so this is obviously not a good start.

The relationship can work, but that kind of relationship where there are power struggles, will not be a "peaceful" one.

Been there Razor. It's time to move on.

 

[BrotherAP]

Power struggles are temporary. I learned all I need to know about power struggles from my ex girlfriend.

Flashback to 7 months ago - I'm in a LTR relationship that has already passed the 3 year mark, and things are stagnating. Knowing almost nothing about relationships compared to what I now know, I take her back after cheating. This sets her in the seat of complete power, and she quickly loses interest and dumps me. I decide that I must fight to get her back - and I pour my heart out to her. I give her the most heartfelt speech about how I love her and will not let her go without a fight. She walked, leaving me and her last chance behind.

She never would have walked if she knew that I meant it when I told her that I would not play games. I told her if she walked then, that she'd be wasting her time ever coming back. But you know what? She didn't believe me. She thought she had me, and at the point she could care less about me.

Everything changed the day she saw me with another girl - not two weeks later. She started probing a bit, sending me "hey, how are you?" emails and phone calls from time to time. I ignored her. As time went on, her contact attempts became more desperate. By the time we'd been broken up for two months, her messages had degraded to 10 minute long sobbing sessions on my voicemail telling me that she'd do anything in the world to have me back.

Seven months later, I still have not given her another chance. Sometimes I want nothing more than to take her back. It sucks not to, but I have to stick to my conviction. Her and I did not work out. She cheated on me. She walked away from the most sincere display of my life. Now she tells me that she replays that moment in her head every day, and pictures it going the other way.

So the power struggle is over. I won, because I never gave in, no matter how sweet she made the deal. I could take her back right now on any terms - she even told my best friend that she'd be my fvck buddy if that was her only chance to win me back.

I hope that illustrates the amount of power you can have when you choose what you will tolerate and what you won't, and manage to act on how you know you should in spite of how you feel. Sometimes the best thing to do is also the hardest.

Ignoring her can end in two ways. If she cares about you, she will pursue you. As you refuse, she will either give up, or try even harder. You must never give in until her BF is out of the picture. Otherwise, she simply doesn't care enough, and by avoiding her you slowly forget about her. By no longer existing in your present, she becomes a shade of the past, and you are free to move on with your life.

However it turns out, good luck

BrotherAP

 

[Dr Box]

I hate to say this but your title sums it all up for me

"trying to take control, What do you guys think?"

So instead of being in charge from the begining you are now trying to steal it from her......uh good luck on that one. Not only that but after you do it you run here and seek validation for what you did. Man I think this chick was playing you from the start . If she was that hot for you she would have broken up with her BF ages ago, also through your entire convo the only thing she remembers is that you are not going to chase her, was she even listening to the rest of the convo???

Will she realize what she'll be missing out on, or will she just let things be?

Uh if she doesnt realise it by now I doubt she will at all, remember she still has a BF who will suck up to her.
Sorry to say all this it seems all my posts are just flamming guys, but if you guys used your intellect before posting we wouldnt have these situations, think about what guys did before they had the net.

Good Luck

 

[razor113]

Originally posted by Horse Whisperer
Yep - been through something similar myself!
It is really hard if you are into someone but get the feeling it is not reciprocated in the way you want. The fact that you know it is you who is doing most of the pursuing indicates this.

She has no motivation to leave her fella as she is getting the best of both worlds - and perhaps you are too. (cliche but true!)
Also, I think some girls wait to be kicked out of a failing relationship by the MAN - so as to absolve them of any guilt. This of course, could mean the situ goes on indefinitely (not good!)

Basically, I tend to agree with the other post here. You have made the first correct move by cutting her off. Be ruthless and stick to it. If you are sure there is no light at the end of the tunnel then terminate your relationship with your girl and start schmoozing other women.

Don't forget= it doesnt matter if, post you cutting her off, she says she 'wants' or is 'serious' about you now. It is *her* ACTIONS that count. Always go on her actions else you will lose the plot.

Be strong and best of luck

You're right, man. It's all about actions, not words.

 

[razor113]

Originally posted by BrotherAP
Power struggles are temporary. I learned all I need to know about power struggles from my ex girlfriend.

Flashback to 7 months ago - I'm in a LTR relationship that has already passed the 3 year mark, and things are stagnating. Knowing almost nothing about relationships compared to what I now know, I take her back after cheating. This sets her in the seat of complete power, and she quickly loses interest and dumps me. I decide that I must fight to get her back - and I pour my heart out to her. I give her the most heartfelt speech about how I love her and will not let her go without a fight. She walked, leaving me and her last chance behind.

She never would have walked if she knew that I meant it when I told her that I would not play games. I told her if she walked then, that she'd be wasting her time ever coming back. But you know what? She didn't believe me. She thought she had me, and at the point she could care less about me.

Everything changed the day she saw me with another girl - not two weeks later. She started probing a bit, sending me "hey, how are you?" emails and phone calls from time to time. I ignored her. As time went on, her contact attempts became more desperate. By the time we'd been broken up for two months, her messages had degraded to 10 minute long sobbing sessions on my voicemail telling me that she'd do anything in the world to have me back.

Seven months later, I still have not given her another chance. Sometimes I want nothing more than to take her back. It sucks not to, but I have to stick to my conviction. Her and I did not work out. She cheated on me. She walked away from the most sincere display of my life. Now she tells me that she replays that moment in her head every day, and pictures it going the other way.

So the power struggle is over. I won, because I never gave in, no matter how sweet she made the deal. I could take her back right now on any terms - she even told my best friend that she'd be my fvck buddy if that was her only chance to win me back.

I hope that illustrates the amount of power you can have when you choose what you will tolerate and what you won't, and manage to act on how you know you should in spite of how you feel. Sometimes the best thing to do is also the hardest.

Ignoring her can end in two ways. If she cares about you, she will pursue you. As you refuse, she will either give up, or try even harder. You must never give in until her BF is out of the picture. Otherwise, she simply doesn't care enough, and by avoiding her you slowly forget about her. By no longer existing in your present, she becomes a shade of the past, and you are free to move on with your life.

However it turns out, good luck

BrotherAP

That's a great post, bro.. I've already started cutting her off and the e-mails are starting to pop up. She's sending me stupid sh*t but I know that's her way of trying to get me to respond to her or notice her... I'm doing okay right now though..
About that girl of yours, are you EVER thinking of taking her back, or is it completely over? Just curious.. Again, thanks for your response..

 

[razor113]

Originally posted by Dr Box
I hate to say this but your title sums it all up for me

"trying to take control, What do you guys think?"

So instead of being in charge from the begining you are now trying to steal it from her......uh good luck on that one. Not only that but after you do it you run here and seek validation for what you did. Man I think this chick was playing you from the start . If she was that hot for you she would have broken up with her BF ages ago, also through your entire convo the only thing she remembers is that you are not going to chase her, was she even listening to the rest of the convo???

Will she realize what she'll be missing out on, or will she just let things be?

Uh if she doesnt realise it by now I doubt she will at all, remember she still has a BF who will suck up to her.
Sorry to say all this it seems all my posts are just flamming guys, but if you guys used your intellect before posting we wouldnt have these situations, think about what guys did before they had the net.

Good Luck

Dude, you need to chill the f**k out! I've been messing around with women for a while now. For some reason this one felt different, she caught me off guard and I fell for her. I came here for advise, I admit that..
Did I come here for validation? I guess I kinda did. The situation is a very weird one, I couldn't really talk about this stuff to my friends, I couldn't but that's another story...
It has nothing to do with intellect, maybe I fu**ed up, maybe I got played, maybe we were both playing each other...
Everyone messes up, it's how you handle the mistakes that show what you're really made of. I'm trying right now, I'm doing ok.
Again, some of you guys had really great posts and I appreciate them, keep them coming if you could.
Your post wasn't bad either man, I know what you're saying, it's just the way you say it...

 

[OneArmDeeJay]

Originally posted by razor113
I mean she liked me alot and all but it's always been me doing the pursuing.

That right their should tell you everything.

Actions speak louder then words.

She likes you but not enough to do something about it.

Move on


----------------------

Now here is what I don’t understand

If you two are already in a relationship with different people then WTF are you doing?

Why are you trying to hook up with a chick that already has a BF?

You already have a GF!

So if you don’t like how your relationship is going with your GF then be a MAN and end it and find another chick.

Stop with this BS women crap.

And why the hell would you want to have a chick that cheated on her BF to have you be your GF?

Don’t think she won’t do it to you because she will cheat on you.

Not to mention all of this drama for one chick.

Jeezz you’re going to have gray hairs in no time.



So do yourself a favor Dump GF, Dump this other ho, and stay single and just hit it and quit it.

Because it’s obvious your not ready for a relationship.

I kind of feel sorry for your GF she picked a bad hand.

 

[razor113]

Re: Re: Trying to take control, what do u guys think?

Originally posted by OneArmDeeJay
That right their should tell you everything.

Actions speak louder then words.

She likes you but not enough to do something about it.

Move on


----------------------

Now here is what I don’t understand

If you two are already in a relationship with different people then WTF are you doing?

Why are you trying to hook up with a chick that already has a BF?

You already have a GF!

So if you don’t like how your relationship is going with your GF then be a MAN and end it and find another chick.

Stop with this BS women crap.

And why the hell would you want to have a chick that cheated on her BF to have you be your GF?

Don’t think she won’t do it to you because she will cheat on you.

Not to mention all of this drama for one chick.

Jeezz you’re going to have gray hairs in no time.



So do yourself a favor Dump GF, Dump this other ho, and stay single and just hit it and quit it.

Because it’s obvious your not ready for a relationship.

I kind of feel sorry for your GF she picked a bad hand.

I hear you , man. As far as me and my g/f, it's just noth there anymore and we both know it, we know we'r enot going to be together. She's a different topic alltogether...

As far as the other chick, we both knew we had bf/gf, stuff just kind of grew, you know? I can honestly say that I've never connected with anyone else like I did with her, ever..
But you're right though, too much drama for just one chick..
What can I say man, I let my guard down and I fell for her, time to let her go now.

 

[spider_007]

it all depends on haw you say it, and haw you go about doing things.

 

[OneArmDeeJay]

But hey cheer up man.

No need to get down in the dumps.

I understand you liked this chick but it is time for you to let her go.

She’s not that interested in you as you thought and she already has a BF.

Let me tell you something there are going to be a lot more women that are better then this chick and single. It’s hard to believe that now but trust me there is.

So you know what to do…

Get rid of your current GF and this chick and don’t look back no matter what.

No matter if the girl dumps this dude just keep on going. You don’t want all this drama.

Start over and go out with multiple girls.

 

[razor113]

I know bro'.. It's always hard at first but I know what I have to do...
I mean who the hell is worth this much trouble to begin with? You're right, there's TONS of women out there.

 

[razor113]

Just an update, guys.... I didn't mention that I work with this girl. Well, anyway, she came and visited me twice today. She usually NEVER visits me, let alone twice in a day. I guess she noticed that I wasn't responding to her e-mails and such..
She made small talk, blah, blah, blah... She could tell that I wasn't much interested in what she was saying.
A little while ago, I get a call. Our work phones have internal caller ID's, I see that it's her, I don't answer.
She leaves me a msg. saying "I thought we were friends, let me know if you're ever going to talk to me again, so we could both be on the same page, blah, blah"
Just giving you all an update and want to know what you guys think and where you think she's going with this.

THANKS

 

[Horse Whisperer]

Well, the ignoring tactic is just proving that she likes/craves your attention. Probably because she is not getting it at home.
Attention seekers are bad. If she really wants you, rather than wants attention off you, then she would leave her fella.
Keep her locked out from any attention. Bear in mind, she may well end up getting it off some other poor chap. I am also disturbed she used the 'f' word too. She knows you have a girl right? She therefore sees you as the perfect non-se+ually predatory, 'brother' like figure. (a friend). This is all v.bad news for you.
Be strong and keep her out.