trying to stop the emotional bleeding

[CFERD]

My first and hopefully last run in with a Bpd has been nothing short of a mental nightmare. I'm glad I found this site so I at least try can make sense of why I let myself get hooked. Emotional vampire sums it up.

Classic ex story. Walk away from a girl playing games I'd never encountered before. After a month of total n/c she calls with the classic ' I'm sorry, I miss you'. When she said she wanted to work on things she really ment, I want to suck the remaining happiness out of you. I walked away again a few weeks ago as nothing had changed.....like a fool I gave back my control a few days ago when I heard she was sick, for being a nice guy, I get a healthy dose of ignore...I've think I can now say I touched the hot stove enough times to have learned my lesson..... Now I find that I may have to see her at work every now and then. I could really use some advice on this. Completely ignoring would probably not be the way to go. I am reaping what I sowed.Yet in a strange way I think I'm paying the price for her hating her father and the last bf that beat her...I'm taking Anti dump's advice and taking time off from women to work on myself. I'd rather be alone, after this nightmare I know I should be for awhile. Getting the hooks out seems to be really tough.
I'm not hoping to get her back, I need some help in getting her out of my head.

 

[KontrollerX]

Talking it out is all a part of processing through the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of the experience making you want to go over it again and again in your head to figure it out.

You never do totally figure it out as the experience is crazy and thus not possible to figure out but what you do get is a bit more knowledge about it and eventually find peace with what happened or the closest thing to it. You never get absolute closure.

It takes a lot of time and talking, that and hanging out with friends and investing your time in hobbies helps to remove them from your mind or at least their hold over its emotions.

A forum like BPDfamily.org would probably be a good place for you to post in addition to here as it is all about processing the bad persistant feelings out with fellow victims that know what you've been through and probably worse.

Seriously a lot of stories on that forum are more fvcked up than anything I've ever read here about the condition.

And no completely ignoring is not the wrong way to go even at work.

In fact do that as much as possible and only interact when and if you absolutely have to but keep it as short as possible and be as dull as possible giving the BPD no emotional reaction to feed off of.

 

[Interceptor]

You're no longer under any obligation to be anything than simply cordial to her. Nothing extra from you.
There is nothing there for you , there never was. Dont treat it as special or have nostalgia for it.
Let it go. And remember to never give your resources that freely when you realize they're not appreciating it.
When you have plenty of self love and self respect, these types of situations become less and less common.
You will eventually not even think twice about it.
And you will be in such control of yourself and your resources that these types of women dont even appear as a blip on your radar.

Dont 'miss' something that never existed.

Dont hope for something this woman is incapable of being or giving to you now.

 

[CFERD]

Thanks for the advice K. I will look up the site you recommended. For some reason moving on from a person like this equals the total of all the past relationships combined. Those may have hurt quite a bit, this feels more like a cut. It makes no sense why I'd even hesitate to give a girl like this a second thought, she's no prize.

yeah your right, there will never be any completely figuring it out, I know I never will. But I have always read that by ignoring an ex at work it shows they are still getting a reaction from you. Regardless, I'm going to stick with what you've suggested. I know exactly what you mean by giving them anything to feed off of. It seems as though a bpd has an insatiable ego.Now that I look back, I've been feeding it for way too long.

 

[KontrollerX]

No one thats never been through it will ever understand it.

So make sure to keep any talks of this you have with friends or family to a minimum as PTSD sufferers tend to talk people's ears off without realizing it.

Also I know what you mean.

It feels like the wound that never stops bleeding but don't worry a lot of processing and active work to fight through it can make that emotional bleeding stop.

It could take a year or two with the help of a trained therapist or 6 months of your own self help type of work or maybe even less. Everyone is different so yeah recovery time may vary but what I've seen commonly in support groups is one to two years is the length of time it takes to get to a place of major healing from these awful people.

You are at the victim stage which is natural but your great work is towards getting to the survivor stage which first takes no contact and after that is firmly established and decided upon the rest of the work can take place and begin becoming effective.

"For some reason moving on from a person like this equals the total of all the past relationships combined."

They are mirrors and present the best of you to you which makes it feel like the best relationship you've ever had.

How could it not feel that way when they do become the perfect person for you?

That being...you.

They do not really exist as in they have no true personality of their own so they vampire the personalities of others.

They are just human bodies that mimick the best traits of others back at them, you fall deeply in love with the reflection of yourself and then they are gone because their disorders are ones of intimacy. They fear abandonment so will abandon you first when you get too close to them or they may act so crazy you break up with them and then they stalk you.

"But I have always read that by ignoring an ex at work it shows they are still getting a reaction from you"

This only possibly holds merit for normal girls. A BPD wants your reaction to feed off of more than anything so to not react is the best way to hurt a BPD. No drama for this particular vampire to feed off of it shrivels up and dies so to speak.

 

[CFERD]

Your right Int. self respect and self love wasn't as high as i could have been prior to meeting her, but it was there enough for me to walk away, but then not being high enough again I got hoovered back. I think right now what has been broken down the most is the self esteem, as bad as this experience has been, I think it will help me rebuild it to where it should be. letting go should be a non issue, as this relationship wasn't nearly as long as all the other I've had...... like you have said though, no nostaglia for something that was never really there. I am limiting any work sightings to cordial, nothing more nothing less.

People who haven't experienced it really do not understand like you've said K. That's what makes it hard to talk about it with people, most say you get over a girl by meeting another. Maybe in many circumstances, but that is not going to help me right now. I've got way too much to work on for the time being. I am comfortable being alone. it's far healthier than being in the constant push pull. You could not have been more right about the abandonment issues. Get too close they run, move back they come running.
I going to have to find some good psych books on changing one's way of thinking, right now it's all I can think of to try and start fixing the damage that's been done. She'd never take an ounce of resposibility, she is never wrong. Got it's gotta suck going through life like that. She'll never learn anything.....sucks for her.
I appreciate the replies, I gain a lot from reading both of yours in everyone elses' threads as well.

Thanks

 

[jophil28]

My first and hopefully last run in with a Bpd has been nothing short of a mental nightmare. I'm glad I found this site so I at least try can make sense of why I let myself get hooked. Emotional vampire sums it up.

Classic ex story. Walk away from a girl playing games I'd never encountered before.

"playing games I'd never encountered before.." This is exactly the reaction that I had after a BDP nightmere two years ago. A relationship with a BPD will flip your understanding of women on its head. YOu will never be the same guy again - BUT you will slowly recover from the abuse.

THese women are sick in ways that defy understanding. THat is why you will never figure it out. IT is like trying to understand how a Martian operates.
The important thing to remember is that CLuster B wackos ENJOY inflicting pain. Their idea of a great day is when they have created a state of anguish and bewildered floundering in a MAN. They use sex to hook you and then the barbs go in one by one, twist by twist.. little wonder that Scott Peck calls PDs "evil" -

FOr your own sake I suggest No Contact. The way to win is NOT to play - these women are emotional Taliban.
You have probably experienced her at her most destructive- do not give her one tiny opportunity to do it to you again.

 

[slaog]

I would imagine it's all a nightmare being with these sorts of women. I know what it's like to be on a high one minute and desperately stressing while waiting for a call the next.

The way out is self love and self respect like interceptor said.

THese women are sick in ways that defy understanding. THat is why you will never figure it out. IT is like trying to understand how a Martian operates.
The important thing to remember is that CLuster B wackos ENJOY inflicting pain. Their idea of a great day is when they have created a state of anguish and bewildered floundering in a MAN. They use sex to hook you and then the barbs go in one by one, twist by twist.. little wonder that Scott Peck calls PDs "evil" -

It's basically an out of control ego. I was reading an Eckhart Tolle book last night and he basically says that the ego will sometimes create drama and bad events. Even if it makes the girl feel bad it's still feeding her ego.

 

[armadon]

They fear abandonment so will abandon you first when you get too close to them

I had to deal with this type and it was draining because everything is going great for a month and then BAM it's done. Then a month later she's back and you go through the process all over again. It's a sick thing to have to go through but it's good that we can figure it out before getting too involved.

I mean when I told this chick that I'm not talking to her anymore and to leave me alone she begged if I could just see her every once in a while but it's like HELL FU*KING NO! Her last words were "I'll never bother you again Armadon." She was always afraid I was going to leave her because her life was so hectic.

 

[CFERD]

I've been saying it to myself for the better half of this year. This girl IS emotional abusive. I could sense it in my gut. I always tried to make excuses for her behaviors, but in the end I have come to realise that it was the abuse she strived for. If she didn't feel like she was in control, she'd step up the affection until she felt I was hooked. Then she return to her dare I say ambiguous ways. I understand the typical games played between the sexes when it comes to dating, but I will never figure it out as you and others have said. All I can do is accept it for what it isn't.That being a healthy person.

Besides her breaking n/c to suck me back in, she never took any resposibility for her actions and behaviors. I can honestly say had it not been for the mindfvcking that was taking place, I would have gotten away from this girl early on. Thanks for your reply Jophil, I have read many of your posts in the short time I've been here. I can honestly say I am learning a lot.

 

[Ballie]

There are a lot of us that have seeked advice from this forum about these BPD women. They are black widow spiders and do suck your emotional life out of you. They do get violent, or entice other people to violence to hurt you. Dont mess with a BPD women suck up pride, become an AFC and limp away - that works. But no contact - they will find another victim and leave you alone once they think they have totally mind fvcked you.

 

[jophil28]

. Then she return to her dare I say ambiguous ways. I understand the typical games played between the sexes when it comes to dating, but I will never figure it out as you and others have said. All I can do is accept it for what it isn't.That being a healthy person.
.

This is a fascinating point - their "ambiguous ways".. Aren't they skilled at keeping everything unsteady and murky with just enough predictablity to keep you attached. Then, just when you start to feel that equilibrium has returned and you feel "close" she tosses in a handgrenade and then the drama rushes back into your life once again. Then follows a breakup of a day or a week or more. She then calls with some pretext and draws you back in only to repeat this pattern over and over.
However she NEVER accepts that any of this is her doing. Somehow in her diseased mind it all happens because YOU are "too jealous, too controlling, too domineering , too this or too that.. "

Sadly I did not know about this BPD disorder or this forum.
Little did I know that I was in an intimate realtionship with mental illness.
But now I know and I can never NOT know.

 

[CFERD]

That's exactly what she would do Jophil. Before I learned about this from this site I just thought it was part of the games some girls play. One that I'd never come across and though maybe had something to do with her low self esteem. I've always heard exes know exactly when to come back, that is so true. This is one bridge that needs to be burned. i figure once I get her out of my head she will try and pull me back in, not this time. I've been through this one too many times.