Truth in a relationship....

[speed dawg]

A couple of nights ago I told my girlfriend (9 months) she needed to start exercising; she was gaining a little weight. Of course, she took offense at this and sulled up and thought I was being an ass. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought in a good relationship, if your partner is doing something you don't like or gets on your nerves, you tell them about it so they can fix the problem before it escalates into a bigger problem, which could help bring about the demise of a relationship. Communication is key, right? Read on.

I've never liked fat people in general, I don't think there is any excuse for being obese, and always told myself I didn't want to be the typical fat, lazy, passive, working in a cubicle American that is so common today. I take pride in keeping myself looking sharp and consequently, I require that in a mate. She's pretty good about it, but I have to remind her sometimes. This thread isn't asking for advice about her, but rather starting a discussion.

Fat girls turn me off, badly. It completely overwhelms any good personality, whatever. That's the way I am, I want a good looking girl. That's not superficial, but society says it is. If a girl doesn't live up to my standards, she's history. Also, I don't see anything wrong with communicating that to my partner, and her with me. I think it makes everyone aware and keeps the relationship honest and good, IMO.

However, if a girls friends hear that you are communicating such things, you are percieved as a superficial ass, big time. No exceptions. If you turn a fat girl down, you're an ass, no questions asked. But, why should I be penalized for doing what I want. A girl-friend of mine criticized me non-stop for dumping a girl that was her friend, basically bc she got fat and sexually un-attractive to me. So what? I absolutely couldn't stand the sight of her.

My neighbors went through a big divorce last year. Before it happened, he told me they sat down and had a talk, to keep private between themselves, where they listed what they liked and disliked about each other. One of his dislikes was that she gained 50 lbs. That's honesty, right? Telling each other how you really feel? Well a week later we were at the bar for her birthday and she proclaimed to the entire place that he had called her fat and 50 lbs. bigger. WTF? That was supposed to be between them and guess what, EVERYONE, girl and boy alike, called HIM the ass.

So how do you communicate in a relationship with feminism glaring down your neck? I guess that's the million dollar question. Sorry for the length.....

 

[Vulpine]

Hey speed dawg, I had this EXACT thing happen to me a couple times. When I was involved with a these women, they "let themselves go". In contrast, I was consistantly trying to lose weight. In both instances, they got fat to a point where I had to tell them that I was losing attraction because they were becoming physically repulsive to me.

Now, sure, it's a huge blow to their self-esteem. However, I framed it as a chance to recover what is being lost before it is lost, somewhat positive right? Not to a woman. And both instances resulted the same way: I'd stop having sex, stop being physical, and eventually leaving them.

You would think that open honesty would be good, and feedback would be welcomed...

Take for example the booby-trap of "Do I look fat in this?"
"Yes."

They way I see it, if they don't care to lose weight for you, not to mention themselves, they don't respect your wishes/wants/you. So, you don't care what I want? Goodbye, I'm no longer attracted to you. It's sad that way.

 

[speed dawg]

That's the only conclusion I can come up with. Just like any other facet of a relationship. If they don't do it on their own for you, then you can't make them.

In my gf's defense, she works on her feet all day, still has a killer body with a little pudge. I want to peg this problem before it gets out of hand, she has kids, etc. She goes to work out with me, too, it's really not a problem.

The fact of the matter is, you can't really be honest with a woman. Everything has to subtle. But is this AFC?

 

[Jester FPS]

Sometimes fat people can't help it dammit, that's their metabolism.

Give them a break.

 

[speed dawg]

Sometimes fat people can't help it dammit, that's their metabolism.

Give them a break.

Hopefully that's a joke. I feel pity for no one who CAN, but CHOOSES not to better themselves in all facets of life. I have no problem if they don't, but I don't "give them a break" either.

It's my choice not to date a fat girl, too. I do not, and should not, feel bad about that, even though feminist society says I should.

 

[Anomalous]

Sometimes fat people can't help it dammit, that's their metabolism.

Give them a break.

Its true some people do have a slow matabolism but the exercize factor should still be activated. I've seen a UFC fighter look about 10lbs overweight even from his strenuous training. But 20lbs and up overweight is no excuse.

Hopefully that's a joke. I feel pity for no one who CAN, but CHOOSES not to better themselves in all facets of life. I have no problem if they don't, but I don't "give them a break" either.

It's my choice not to date a fat girl, too. I do not, and should not, feel bad about that, even though feminist society says I should.

You got your sh^t down about what you want and what society imposes on us. Very admirable.





In a way you should be flattered that she gets fat! Hard to Believe? Let me explain.

I single female will stay in top shape as a way for her to attract more males [you]. Since she as found you, she believes that she has no reason to attract more males, thus losing her attractiveness towards you as well. I am conviced that this process is all thought out subconciously. Let me be more specific: Females will gain weight once they are comfortable in their relationships!

On the other hand, if she started working out while your dating, this could be one of the following:

1) She is flirting with a new man and wants to be in top shape for him. She has lost interest in you.

2)She seeks validation from you until she feels comfortable enough to litteraly let loose.

If she gets even bigger than when you first dated her, than its most likely scenario number 1.

How do you slove this problem?

You go work out with her or you print out a nice abdominal workout. You want to give her a hint to lose weight so she can process it conciously.
If you do withdraw from her (metioned from a previous poster) then she might get in shape to find another guy.

Its all about calibration. Your a smart fellow, I have faith in you speed dawg. Hope you succeed on your journey to a fitter mate.

Anomalous Out.

 

[Beginner1]

I have the answer for this problem.

A close friend of mine is going through this.

First of all, you must be sure that you are in a caring relationship and by that I mean, you must be sure that the other person really cares about you and they are not just all about making themselves happy and they don't really care how they treat you.

The truth of this matter is that in any relationship, we always analyze and question what we don't like about the other and what we want different in them.

So the answer to this is: There has to be a trade off. Men should probably ask the girl what is it about me that if you could change, you would? Or just ask her, is there something about me that you would like to be different?
See her reaction to that, and remember, she has to come up with something. She can't say nothing. That will not work.

OK, now when she does express what she would like to be changed, you make a deal with her, and guys, you MUST take the first step in correcting the situation. She needs to see that you are making the effort. If she says she wants you to stop watching the baseball games, every damn night. You have to comply to her wishes if you want her to ever comply to what you want. And do not expect her to jump on the treadmill the first night that you do not watch the game. You may have to do it for 2 weeks straight before you see anything happen. Instead of watching 5 nights of baseball, watch only 2.

See us guys are very stubborn in areas like this. We want our things and we do not want anyone to say we can't, but if you do not sacrafice something that will in turn make her happier. You will never see her sacrafice something to make you happy.

People have relationships ass backwards.
If you make the other person happy, they in will return want to make you happy without even asking. Instead of everyone just trying to fix their own problems

 

[Anomalous]

Great point Begginer1, Jump into her hoops first before she jumps into yours. The reversal works too, but never jump into her's without having her do you a favor.

 

[WaterTiger]

Anomalous is has a good theory on his "why chicks gain weight".

The reason they get so mad is because of a "woman's translation device".
You say:"Hey Honey, you could stand to lose a couple pounds."
She hears: "I will only love you if you're thin. Nothing else about you matters."

Suddenly you're a shallow, pathetic jackass, you are only after sex and you don't love the "INSIDE" her. You spend the next 6 days getting nasty glares and no sex.

Invite her to work out with you, go for a walk after dinner, tell her you saw a really great dress but it's a size smaller than she usually wears and you'd buy it for her if she drops the weight.

It's a hard subject to bring up with a girl. Good Luck with it!

 

[MightyMate]

You can say everythign in 2 ways. Hursh or polite. Thats difference. Its same turth but different words.