Tricky Relationship Advice Needed

[StoneZA]

Howzit guys,

Been a while since I've posted here but this round I have a delicate situation at hand and I don't know how to solve this "problem". I met a girl online via a dating site and we really hit it off well. Its now more than a month and we really have spent a lot of time together and got to know each other better.

In the beginning she told me she will be honest with me and I promised her the same in return and she told me what happened between her and her ex (he left her for another woman and 4 kids).However, since the 2 months that they have been broken up, now out of the blue, he contacted her again and wants her back.

Luckily he doesn't live in the same town that me and her live in, and he drove this past thursday to come and talk with her. He confessed lots of stuff of how wrong he was, how he slept with the other woman (although he claims they didn't have sex, only kissed) etc. He left again the same night and since this past thursday I felt a bit down in the sense that I might lose her now.

She has promised me now numerous times that it isn't the case and I won't lose her. Since the beginning we have only been honest with each other, which I really appreciate. We are a "semi-couple" in the sense that we do kiss, hold hands etc but she can't yet fully commit to me, because she still has feelings for her ex (which is understandable since they were together for 3.5 years).

She feels very negative about the whole situation she finds herself in, she is confused a bit and feels 50/50 she doesn't know whether to pick me or him as we both have our own unique qualities. However, what I don't understand, he left her and she still has such strong feelings for him on the other hand, I'm everything she wants in a man.

How do I convince her, or rather, motivate her postively so that she can come to her senses to fully commit her to myself ? I can't pressurize her, and she won't allow it either, but at the same time I don't want to get hurt in the process.

Now I know lots of you will say, to either leave her now and find someone else (and that she is yanking my chain), but I'm not like that. I'm not giving to give up so easily, there must be something that I can do in order to make her "see the light" to let go of the past and move on.

I can give her time (and let her sort it out in her heart), but isn't there anything that else I could try ?

Please, I only want constructive feedback, not some half baked arrogant responses that I have received in the past, some of you guys can be really harsh sometimes

Thanks

 

[vitor]

Ok I would say run, dont walk away but thats not what you want to hear. We all make mistakes, and since this is your life maybe try the following.

Write her a letter tell her how you feel and how big of a scum bag her ex is, he cheated on her a bunch, left her for a woman with 4 kids, and is now cheating on the other woman by getting back in touch with her and is going to leave her high and dry.

He did not care about her well being sleeping with other woman, and if she was not enough for him then, what makes her think she is going to be enough for him now?

 

[window]

This is an easy one...tell her you really like her but are not going to sit around wasting your life waiting for her to make up her mind. You're going to see other girls and if she ever sorts out her **** and becomes genuinely single with no ex's in the picture then to give you a call. Then cut off all contact and date other women.

 

[Slickster]

I normally don't respond to these types of threads but you do seem like a genuinely nice guy so here goes.

If she still had feelings for her ex then why did she get involved with you? Ask yourself that question. Did she REALLY like you? Or were you just there to provide support and make her feel wanted while she was recovering from her breakup? The fact that she won't sleep with you provides a big clue to the truth. Be honest with yourself. She was wrong for getting involved with you too soon. That is her fault.

The first mistake you made was getting emotionally involved with a woman who is still emotionally attached to another guy. The moment she told you about her ex was the moment you walk away. If she's carry feelings for him and you are still hanging around hoping for her to come around then you are demonstrating to her just how hopeless you are. She may never truly respect you. :nono:

I do not understand why you would do this to yourself??? She still has feelings for him. Why would you torture yourself? She is disrespecting you. Don't you want a woman who is going to be committed to you completely? What kind of future do you expect to have with her if this is how the relationship started? Don't you want to sweep a woman off of her feet? I don't think you want to be her 2nd choice do you? Her consolation prize because her ex left!

There is nothing much you can do here. Too much damage has been done. Any effort to get her to "see the light" is only going to lead to bigger heart break in the future. I hope you walk away from this now and be grateful for what you have learned. If you continue down this path you will only pay a bigger price later on. You will look back on this post months or years from now and wonder why you didn't listen to me. Do not learn the hard way.

I'm sorry for you but this relationship is past saving.

Find another woman who is going to give you respect and her full devotion right from the start. You deserve better.

 

[StoneZA]

Thanks guys for the responses, you did give me some good advice.

@ window:
Your advice sounds good, but its really risky for me in the sense that if I tell her that I'm going to see other girls, I would just make her decision so easy for her, she'll go back to him asap.

However, what I don't understand is, she asked me if I ever could only be just friends with her, and I told her it would break my heart if we only were just friends, and she told me she felt the same. In that regard, why is she so afraid then?

@ vitor:
Writing a letter or an email with your advice sounds like an option, I have also thought about it, if she wasn't good enough for him then, what is going to be so different now if they were together.

He told her all the things she did wrong in their relationship, but I have no idea what she told him back in return the night they spoke.She did however tell me all the things they fought about and how he put other things first in his life instead of her etc. I don't want to do anything drastic, because she told me, she is and is still going to give me a fair chance. She just needs to sort out her heart's feelings 1st before she can fully commit.

I'm going away on holiday for about 4 days out of town on Friday, and I think this will be the ultimate test to see how much she misses and care about me. It really breaks my heart to leave her behind, but maybe it will put things into perspective for her, about the 2 of us and what she has in me. I did invite her along, but she is going to work during the week and weekend but did thank me for inviting her along.

It really is a delicate situation, I know there are other lots of other girls, but what makes her so special for me, is that she doesn't lie and is extremely honest with me, and that is really hard to come by with people these days, especially in a relationship. On the one hand, maybe she needs a month or 2, just to finalize things in her heart, because she did tell me, she almost had closure before her ex came along and exposed all the old scars that causes all the pain.

It feels as if it will now take another 2 months for things to perhaps go back to the way they were before he got back into picture, unless she realizes sooner that I'm the one she truly wants to be with...perhaps only time will tell.

 

[StoneZA]

I will respond to slickster and WC2 as soon as get back from gym, didn't see you guys replied in the mean time.

 

[Jitterbug]

You're the Rebound Guy. You should never get emotionally invested in a girl who's on the rebound.

She feels very negative about the whole situation she finds herself in, she is confused a bit and feels 50/50 she doesn't know whether to pick me or him as we both have our own unique qualities. However, what I don't understand, he left her and she still has such strong feelings for him on the other hand, I'm everything she wants in a man.

She's lying to you to make you feel better & soften the blows.

And what's with the kissing & hand-holding like school kids? Did you bang her? That's the best you can get out of chicks on the rebound.

The rest of your posts are all you making excuses for her. Be honest to yourself: is this girl really really special or is it because you haven't had one for a while that she appears to be an unique little flower to you?

I'd make the decision easy for her & tell her to go back to her ex. Fvck, it must be terrible having two men grovelling at your feet & giving you their undivided attention. If you're wondering why she's indecisive, it's because she's right where all women want to be: at the center of attention & drama.

 

[WC2]

Eh.. I'm still wondering why my posts are getting deleted even though 75% of the time I post in the mature forums I get positive rep points.

Does one have to be 25 years old to be considered 'mature' ?

 

[Nutz]

This is an easy one...tell her you really like her but are not going to sit around wasting your life waiting for her to make up her mind. You're going to see other girls and if she ever sorts out her **** and becomes genuinely single with no ex's in the picture then to give you a call. Then cut off all contact and date other women.

For real. It's only been a month and the OP is already pining over this flake? Seriously? Get out there, juggle more women, and realize there's other options and you don't have to put up with this what. so. ever.

 

[jophil28]

You're the Rebound Guy. You should never get emotionally invested in a girl who's on the rebound.



She's lying to you to make you feel better & soften the blows.

And what's with the kissing & hand-holding like school kids? Did you bang her? That's the best you can get out of chicks on the rebound.

The rest of your posts are all you making excuses for her. Be honest to yourself: is this girl really really special or is it because you haven't had one for a while that she appears to be an unique little flower to you?

I'd make the decision easy for her & tell her to go back to her ex. Fvck, it must be terrible having two men grovelling at your feet & giving you their undivided attention. If you're wondering why she's indecisive, it's because she's right where all women want to be: at the center of attention & drama.

Listen to my southern nephew, Jitter. ^^
His analysis is on the money.

Read his last sentence a hundred times, or until it is indelibly etched into your belief system.

 

[jonwon]

Though this relationship is doomed to failure if the OP accepts it or not.

One thing that is clear as crystal:

This is a serious case of a guy who lacks an abundance mindset when it comes to dating.

Latching onto the first girl, rebound material, get's himself friendzoned with privilages, to keep him in the friend zone. Makes excuses for the women, falls in love without even knowing her and then comes to a forum asking advice on how he can save the relationship.

My bet is this guy is a failure with women and has little experiance in the mating game, if anything this post can illustrate the levels some guy's will go to, and fully demonstates the destructive nature of being an AFC, especcially for one-self.

What can be more destructive then being the rebound guy in this situation, having nothing but a peck on the cheek and a hand hold, some little white lies, whilst knowing his current GF is having meet ups with the EX, is talking about the EX and is even telling the AFC all the things the EX is doing to try to win the women back, and the worst thing about it, he is sticking around, and what is he sticking around for? A women he hardly knows who is awarding little to nothing but drama, and this guy thinks he is in love.

Listen OP, your not in love, your just acting from a lack of abundance.

You ask people to be nice, but sorry, that's the last thing you need. In all fairness dude, you need to understand what put you in this position and that, from every angle is yourself. Your responsible for this sad state of affairs and your willing to even drag it out, delude yourself and then try to seek opinions on how to keep this women by your side. This has to be the most AFC post I have seen for a good few weeks. You need to understand the level where your at and make some changes, starting with the DJ Bible.

If this was on the Rossy blog, this could win the Beta of the month award.

Time wasted on this relationship, could have been spent in the gym, that would have been a good first start.

If there is anymore of an AFC Quote then this one, i'd like to see it; "Luckily he doesn't live in the same town".

 

[squirrels]

Please, I only want constructive feedback, not some half baked arrogant responses that I have received in the past, some of you guys can be really harsh sometimes

Thanks

I seriously want to drop a half-baked arrogant response here...as it WOULD be most appropriate for what amounts to immature nonsense. But I'll try to indulge you:


If you lose her, you lose her.

There's nothing you can do to "convince her" to "make the right decision". With matters of love and pair-bonding, often it's the heart or the gut that makes the decision, not the brain.

If she wants you, she'll stay with you. If she wants to hang on and wait for that turdball and leave you for him, she will.

YOUR responsibility is to just be the best guy you can. If she's really "the one" for you, then she'll be in love with you enough that the old dude will take a back-seat in her life. They may still be friends or whatever but none of this BS "I still have feelings" crap.

In fact the whole situation reminds me of these 16-year-old kids screaming at each other in the parking lot of a movie theater about how they love each other but they're not "in love" with each other and all this retarded nonsense.

I think you're making a mistake committing so much energy to a woman who's giving you some high-school nonsense about "not being over her ex". If she's not over her ex, then you need to keep your options open. She doesn't deserve your full commitment if she's being all flaky and non-committal.

You "losing this girl" is not one of the worst things that can happen in your life. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be.

 

[speed dawg]

See my posts here and here

This guy cannot be helped until he opens his eyes. He's made the same mistakes over and over and over again.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Also bear in mind that women always have a soft spot for the guy who ran out on them. That's the guy who ends up fvcking her again, not the guy she dumped because he turned into a pvssy.

 

[Danton1975]

Okay...I am not going to say drop her since that will be easy and you seem to need help getting her. I was in the same situation as you are except I was her ex of 3.5 years. Then, I changed my mind and wanted her back. Maybe we are sharing the same girl eh? :yes:

Here's the truth:

1. 95% of rebound relationships do not work out. Several others have noted this before me.

2. If her ex has any DJ skills whatsoever, you can kiss that baby good-bye. The reason is simple. He knows what buttons to push, what stories to dig up from the past, he knows her in a way far more intimate than you do.

3. He left her. Women tend to obsess about these kind of guys.

What you need to do:

1. Try to get more face time with her than he does. Be very nice (yes, it's allowed this time and this time only...remember, her ex is showering her with attention right now), not too much ****y...try to create deep rapport. Go back to her childhood years and dig up lots of stuff in the past.

2. DO NOT make a wrong move. Her EX will, at some point. All guys do. You simply try to outlast him. The thing will be to be around her when he does. Short term, understand that this may be a lost battle, and she will cool off significantly towards you. Long term, you may still get this girl depending on how you play. Also, do not let in you are seeing any other girls.

3. Do not mention her ex, let alone referring to what he did in a letter to her. Very foolish in my opinion. Do not recognize him at all. Let him instead be jealous of you. Check her phone messages and texts, if you can, so you can to keep a pulse on her relationship with the ex. Yes I know. This is called playing dirty. There will be many texts, trust me. They will let you know how everything stands more than her words.

This will test all your DJ skills to the Max, trust me, because you have a tough battle ahead of you and are playing at a handicap. The odds are against you, but if you are a true DJ you could plunge in and get this girl. Not so much for the girl, but to test your skills.

 

[speed dawg]

Okay...I am not going to say drop her since that will be easy and you seem to need help getting her. I was in the same situation as you are except I was her ex of 3.5 years. Then, I changed my mind and wanted her back. Maybe we are sharing the same girl eh? :yes:

Here's the truth:

1. 95% of rebound relationships do not work out. Several others have noted this before me.

2. If her ex has any DJ skills whatsoever, you can kiss that baby good-bye. The reason is simple. He knows what buttons to push, what stories to dig up from the past, he knows her in a way far more intimate than you do.

3. He left her. Women tend to obsess about these kind of guys.

What you need to do:

1. Try to get more face time with her than he does. Be very nice (yes, it's allowed this time and this time only...remember, her ex is showering her with attention right now), not too much ****y...try to create deep rapport. Go back to her childhood years and dig up lots of stuff in the past.

2. DO NOT make a wrong move. Her EX will, at some point. All guys do. You simply try to outlast him. The thing will be to be around her when he does. Short term, understand that this may be a lost battle, and she will cool off significantly towards you. Long term, you may still get this girl depending on how you play. Also, do not let in you are seeing any other girls.

3. Do not mention her ex, let alone referring to what he did in a letter to her. Very foolish in my opinion. Do not recognize him at all. Let him instead be jealous of you. Check her phone messages and texts, if you can, so you can to keep a pulse on her relationship with the ex. Yes I know. This is called playing dirty. There will be many texts, trust me. They will let you know how everything stands more than her words.

This will test all your DJ skills to the Max, trust me, because you have a tough battle ahead of you and are playing at a handicap. The odds are against you, but if you are a true DJ you could plunge in and get this girl. Not so much for the girl, but to test your skills.

This post has some good pointers but it is an ultimate fail in the long run. Your entire point of view is one in which this girl is the prize. You've lost before you've even began.

The original poster has to come to grips with the fact that he may lose this girl, and that life will be fine if that happens. If he can, then your post is valid. If he can't, none of this matters and he'll hurt himself worse.

 

[Danton1975]

The original poster has to come to grips with the fact that he may lose this girl, and that life will be fine if that happens. If he can, then your post is valid. If he can't, none of this matters and he'll hurt himself worse.

Agreed.

 

[LegendaryGame]

I havent posted in here for a looong time.

Bam bam hit the nail on the head with his thorough analysis. So far what I've seen is a good pointing out to the op of his faults and the status of the girl.

Here's a "way" to get her:

THe only way for you to truly be the DJ and get her and almost remove the image of the ex is to just be way way way more interesting. You have to push her buttons and push buttons she didnt even know she had that can be pushed. In the end women want a man who is a man. Nobody wants to date a groveling guy who holds hands and cant sweep her off her feet. At the rate this is going, you'll be sweeping her floors as a nice guy in the friendzone.

Get some confidence, and let her know she's not the only one around. tell her WHen she's done playing around to contact you and let her go. go meet different women, interact with different people. After a couple of weeks youll get over it. IF she contacts you be firm. If you retain this see the light afc mentality, you're doomed to a life of being toyed with and emotional torn.

Some things about women are not intuitive as we all know. Just like to steer a motorcycle right at faster speed you turn it left.. nonintuitive. You'd think that being there for her, holding hands, hugging etc. is great and it brings you closer. Wronggg. It makes you the "hes a real nice" guy. No woman would daydream about such an already controlled man. They want to catch the prized fish. Not the common salmon for 3.99 at costco.

Use this time to reflect on your skills and wants and see what your doing wrong. If you're too "scared" to cut off contact and enjoy yourself with others then you simply wont get what you want. Take the plunge and raise the game up. I suspect you still have this mentality because you havent had your heart shattered by a woman yet. Then we wouldn't even need to give you tips.

Later man. let us know what happens

 

[StoneZA]

I havent posted in here for a looong time.

Bam bam hit the nail on the head with his thorough analysis. So far what I've seen is a good pointing out to the op of his faults and the status of the girl.

Here's a "way" to get her:

THe only way for you to truly be the DJ and get her and almost remove the image of the ex is to just be way way way more interesting. You have to push her buttons and push buttons she didnt even know she had that can be pushed. In the end women want a man who is a man. Nobody wants to date a groveling guy who holds hands and cant sweep her off her feet. At the rate this is going, you'll be sweeping her floors as a nice guy in the friendzone.

Get some confidence, and let her know she's not the only one around. tell her WHen she's done playing around to contact you and let her go. go meet different women, interact with different people. After a couple of weeks youll get over it. IF she contacts you be firm. If you retain this see the light afc mentality, you're doomed to a life of being toyed with and emotional torn.

Some things about women are not intuitive as we all know. Just like to steer a motorcycle right at faster speed you turn it left.. nonintuitive. You'd think that being there for her, holding hands, hugging etc. is great and it brings you closer. Wronggg. It makes you the "hes a real nice" guy. No woman would daydream about such an already controlled man. They want to catch the prized fish. Not the common salmon for 3.99 at costco.

Use this time to reflect on your skills and wants and see what your doing wrong. If you're too "scared" to cut off contact and enjoy yourself with others then you simply wont get what you want. Take the plunge and raise the game up. I suspect you still have this mentality because you havent had your heart shattered by a woman yet. Then we wouldn't even need to give you tips.

Later man. let us know what happens

Man, this thread of mine got lots of replies since I last checked here. Lots of things have happened, but some interesting things. About 3 days ago, after I got back from holiday, she told me that she just wants to be friends for now and let us get to know each other more better than we have had thus far without any pressure etc.

However, the very next day, she comes to my place, we watch some series and she lies with her head against my shoulder, next holds my arm, then my hand and later on things heated up, we started kissing and went on further. Now, am I an idiot ? Since when do friends hold hands, kiss, receive oral sex etc ? Either she is just playing with me here, or testing me, but I won't attach myself so emotionally anymore because I have been hurt by her a week back or so.

We going to watch a movie this afternoon will see how things pan out, and next week we going to hook up for... well, lets just say, she wants it badly, if you know what I mean. So I'll tag along for now, and see what happens, although I think lots of you guys will probably say, STOP now and retreat.. or not ?

PS: BTW Legendary, you have given awesome advice, its just hard to cut her loose, since she is adamant that we keep on seeing each other, so I just cant let her go, but you and others in this thread have spoken wise words thus far

PS2: She has told me some things that she doesn't like of me, which is really little, so I can improve on that, need to push to buttons of her that her ex hasn't yet, so I'll need to think what I can do.

 

[sodbuster]

In all likelyhood, she's going to give you just enough to pull you back in her orbit;but not enough to really date you the way you want. Keep being hard to get.