Too Young? Deeply confusing me :(

[Red07]

I'm in a relationship with, and have been having sexual relations, with a female who is about 6 years my senior. I'm 18.

She's soon to graduate and if she can't find a job, her visa will run out in Jan '09. Last night, she said she doesnt want me to hate her if she has to leave, while crying. She didn't seem completely herself either. So I pressed on and find out that, as she's mentioned before, she's not too young anymore and is looking for a potential relationship that could lead to being a few years and possibly marriage and family. Now, as I'm young I'm not exactly looking for that in the immediate future, but maybe in a few years I am. So I entertain the idea. But she mentioned last night, that I may not be 'the one' for her because of the age difference and situation difference. She offered a reason for this as being, she's too old for dreams and I'm not, and that she doesnt want to hinder me in my dreams.

She's quite a concealed and reserved person who doesnt indulge in telling people much about her problems, and that's why I feel slightly helpless, because whenever I attempt to comfort her, it feels as if her mind is already made up.

Personally, I'd like to try to pursue this relationship as it's quite a refreshing relationship, I genuinely care for and hanging out with her has become a hobby.

So anyone who has any advice to offer or has been in a similar circumstance, it's be great to hear from you. Thanks

 

[slaog]

If she want to start a family then she's probably doing the right thing for herself. If she waited a few years for you and then you decided to split up or didn't want kids where would that leave her..

 

[Red07]

True, but i don't think you know within the first few months whether you can start a family with someone. I've told her that I do want a family. But by that time she'll probably be 29 :S

 

[swifTy]

do you think she is the one?

"hobby" contrasted with her "im lookin for marriage and family" perhaps not. stage in life does play into things. and you have to consider that. also it is good to see things from her pov.

then i would ask you. what do you want my man? go with that and be straight up with her. if you think she is right for you, now would be the time to step up and tell her man. do you want to take on that responsibility and sh!t?

theres a tonne of maybes. maybe like you said she's already made up her mind and thats that. nothin you could do in this situation, except handle yourself like a DJ. maybe you ARE too young? you consider that? she's lookin for family and marriage. that is what she wants. you can't deny that. go with your gut.

 

[Red07]

Thanks for your replies guys

Maybe I stressed the marriage and family part too strongly, however, it loosely holds the same amount of emphasis if I put it into her words "I should be thinking about marriage"..

Whether she is the one or not is a hard one. I spend a lot of time with her, and when I formed the picture of the perfect woman in my head, she fit the criteria quite accurately. I feel that I am suitable for responsibility. I can help her in a number of ways.

There is one thing I haven't done yet, and that is tell her i love her.

 

[MooseGod]

Not to say that can't work....my mom is 6 years older than my dad, but he was in his mid-thirties when they got married, and they're still together.

But when you're this young, she's probably right. It sounds like this girl is just stating the inevitable. You need to focus on your dreams and life aspirations at your age and quit worrying about relationships. I have seen too many young men throw their future away over some girl.

Sucks on both sides of the situation, but that's why it's usually better to date younger women.

 

[Entropy4]

When I was 22, I dated a 32 year old woman for about 6 months. Things got very serious and she had to move back to her country. She got me a job there and wanted me to move in with her there. I just couldn't do it. I loved her, but I couldn't do it. I was too young, just out of college and had my whole life in front of me.

You have to let her go. It will hurt, but you have to look out for yourself. You're so young and have so much life in front of you, it's way too early to settle down.

Good luck.

 

[Effington]

I don't mean to trivialize this, but this is the exact scenario that all couples go through when they're graduating high school. In a lot of cases, both individuals are going to different colleges at an extended distance. The only difference here is that she is older and has given you another option.

It's odd nowadays to see the biological clock ticking at 24 years old, since the age of marriage is much higher than it used to be. It definitely sounds like she was being over-emotional about throwing away dreams, but considering the circumstances where she has to move out of the country, my guess is that she was either thinking marriage or break-up.

I think it's a decision you have to make on your own, but most people would say not to committ yourself at your age. End of the day, it's your call, and probably a toss-up, but very risky to make the committment at your age.

 

[Red07]

Thanks for the replies.

I understand what everyone is saying here, that it's my own decision in the end, and there's not much anyone else can do to affect the situation. I had that feeling to begin with. But your comments have helped me view the bigger picture from her side aswell. So I'm going to reread it all, take it in and give it a bit of time and consideration.

Thanks again

 

[bigjohnson]

She's probably 100% right. You probably shouldn't be thinking about marriage until your late 20's anyway, or at least until you have established your career and some financial and emotional stability. Once you hit 30, have a good career, look at the chicks in their early 20s for marriage material if that's what you want then.

 

[DonJuan11]

I'm in a relationship with, and have been having sexual relations, with a female who is about 6 years my senior. I'm 18.

She's soon to graduate and if she can't find a job, her visa will run out in Jan '09. Last night, she said she doesnt want me to hate her if she has to leave, while crying. She didn't seem completely herself either.

Dude I don't think she's feeling you anymore. She doesn't want you to hate her if she has to leave? If she really loved you, wouldn't she say "Red, I really like you and want to make this work, are you willing to put in the effort I am to make it work?" Rather than "Are you angry with me because I have to leave?" If are angry with her, then its a load off her back. Not being herself seems like she has something to hide too.

So I pressed on and find out that, as she's mentioned before, she's not too young anymore and is looking for a potential relationship that could lead to being a few years and possibly marriage and family. Now, as I'm young I'm not exactly looking for that in the immediate future, but maybe in a few years I am. So I entertain the idea. But she mentioned last night, that I may not be 'the one' for her because of the age difference and situation difference.

Hmm...if you were 24 and dating a girl 18 that you thought you could spend the rest of your life with, would you tell her "Even though I think we could spend our life together, I don't think you are the one because you are younger than me"

She offered a reason for this as being, she's too old for dreams and I'm not, and that she doesnt want to hinder me in my dreams.

Very kind of her not to hinder your dreams.


She's quite a concealed and reserved person who doesnt indulge in telling people much about her problems, and that's why I feel slightly helpless, because whenever I attempt to comfort her, it feels as if her mind is already made up.

Personally, I'd like to try to pursue this relationship as it's quite a refreshing relationship, I genuinely care for and hanging out with her has become a hobby.

Jan 2009 is 7 months away and there is a good chance she will get a job. This girl likes to plan ahead doesn't she?

 

[Red07]

ah rhetoric
I see at what your getting at though.

It had obviously made her feel guilty because she texted me apologizing for being like that, saying she misses me and that she really likes me. Although its not out of the norm for her to text me the later two things, it still feels like a guilt trip on her part.

I'm seeing her later, I'll judge how she's acting.