Too much advice tends to create self conscienceness!

[theapprentice]

I think that trying to help myself for quite a while I realize that nobody can teach me to be witty or interesting or confident, that it can only be something I can figure out. Another thing I have noticed is that alot of advice will say "Be confident, be the prince....etc"

I think that this advice is more analytical and less directional, meaning that its just describing a feeling to you but not telling you how to get it. I beleive that nobody can teach you how to feel confident, but they can tell you what it feels like.

But to be even more specific, confidence arises from changes in thought, when though patterns shift from negative to positive. You have to under go a plan to change your thoughts about yourself on a conscience and sub conscience level.

But my problem with self help is that reading self help FOR ME, increases my awarness of myself and my surroundings making everything more uncomfortable and making me more conscience.

On days I am feeling good about myself, I notice that I rarely stop to think about what others will think or say about me, I just dont feel the debilitating concern that is not waranted.

But when I try to speak to a girl, what happens is that you read all the self help advice and it makes a mountain in your head, you start reviewing theories and things like "men act like men" "don't be a wussy"....all these statements just increase your self awarness for me, make me nervous and do things that those statements tell me not to do.

I think that a healthy balance of self help is good, but the most important thing is to build character unrealted to woman. Build ideas for life, like "Feeling sorry for yourself will not help" "I will stand up for myself when people push me around."

Next time I am with a woman, I won't be thinking about the theories of attraction but rather feeling good about myself and enough to take the focus of myself and talk to her about whatever and focus on the moment.

I think that the focus of self help should be trying to make us feel good about ourselves.

So don't you think that reading too much self help will take away rather than add to us?

 

[Delta]

haha,

actually, the proper technique is dealt with in the first james bond book by ian fleming - casino royale (i'm reading it now cuz of i'm getting caught up in the hype for the new movie... i'm a real hypewh0re)....

anyhoo:

"he had to plan the attendant roles of mathis, leiter, and the girl and visualize the reactions of the enemy in various contingencies. he closed his eyes and his thoughts pursued his imagination through a series of carefullly constructed scenes as if he was watching the tumbling chips of coloured glass in a kaleidoscope.

at twenty minutes to nine he had exhausted all the permutations which might result from his duel with le chiffre. he rose and dressed, DISMISSING THE FUTURE COMPLETELY FROM HIS MIND."

emphasis is mine.

you read because you NEED TO KNOW! you ABSOLUTELY MUST!

but just as an athlete, muscician or any other kind of PERFORMER rehearses and practices and thinks before the performance, and then completely PUTS ALL THAT AWAY for the performance itself,

so must you absorb as much info as possible while you study. but then, when it's game time, you clear your mind. and you focus on the hear and now and take in everything that is your world.

put your thoughts and procedures and plans away.

these MUST HAVE BEEN INTERNALIZED! you think a pitcher thinks about all the minute movements his arm has to make to pitch a slider vs a knuckleball? no, his head would explode.

it's internalized.

and trust that what you read will become a part of you. read and learn so deeply that it will be.

this is the essence of rehearsing, of practicing, of learning.

then, forget, and strive for FLOW.

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two more points:
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also, there's a men's health article that talks about the same thing. instead of thinking of the steps and procedures, use IMAGINATION to recall how it FEELS to throw the perfect pass... or in this case, use your imagination to recall what it feels like to be confident and smooth.

recall some time when you were confident and competent and capable. recall how that felt. you are fooling yourself to feel a certain way.

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finally,

confidence is BUILT. CULTIVATED and must be defended but also constantly RE-INVESTED for if you try to HOARD IT, it will evaporate on you. just like if you bury money (or biblical talents), instead of investing it and reaping interest at least, you are dissipating it because inflation will slowly chip away at your hoard.

so, it doesn't come from nowhere. you start small, try to get any small victory under your belt. use that to try to get more victories. doesn't have to be in romance. anything. but keep BUILDING your confidence a little bit at a time, keep putting it out there and risking it but eventually, you'll get a pretty good stake that you can use.

delta

 

[WC2]

Agreed. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

 

[Delta]

oh, another thing - your SUBCONSCIOUS....

the thing about reading and studying and learning is that hopefully, you are not just getting material into your cerebral cortex but you are seeding your subconscious mind.

you really study study study... then, when you go off and do other things and put your mind completely off of it, your unconscious mind will have mulled it over so that it results in change - change in thought and hopefully behavior.

so again, study is for study time. not go time. when it's go time, trust that what is internalized will express itself properly.

delta