Told her I love her, now what?

Jariel

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There seems to be an overwhelming amount of negativity here. I'm sure you didn't come to this forum to be told "give up" or "there's nothing you can do".

Many of the posters here are right in some of the things they say. The ex is clearly a problem and yes, you fvcked up by laying your cards on the table so soon, but in my opinion you can turn this around!

Your biggest problem is that you seem to be chasing her whenever her interest appears to drops, when in reality you should do the opposite. If she's acting cold, you should turn cold and indifferent too. If she's talking about her ex, then maybe you should cut your time with her short - not in a moody, b1tchy way, just say you've got some things to do and excuse yourself.

When you suggested you take a break, you were on the right track. You pulled back from her and look at the reaction you got! Maybe it was a little too extreme and you made a mistake by backing down, but this proves you have the power to turn this around.

By telling her you love her and showing her so much attention, she's able to take you for granted. She doesn't have to work to keep you, because she knows (or, thinks) you'll always be there and that's causing your value to plummett.

When she pulls away from you, acts cool, don't you value her a lot more? Do you feel a sense of loss and panic? Do you suddenly start to realise how much she means to you?

This works the other way round too. You need to let her feel a sense of distance or loss. Withdraw your attention, talk about other women (even celebrities), subtly cut dates short when she's acting cool or bringing up her ex, postpone meeting from time to time and tell her you have a night out with friends or something.

Many of us guys are soft and easily manipulated by women. Any sense of decency and empathy we have can and will be exploited, so as wrong as it feels, you need to take a big leap of faith. When you see tears in her eyes, that's not your cue to rush over, hug her and apologise for everything. That cue means it's working and you should keep it up!
 
P

perseverance

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"I've never understood why people get so emotional when a relationship breaks down. When my relationship breaks down, I immediately begin to wonder what took her so bloody long to leave in the first place".

Always look on the bright side mate.
 

zekko

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"I've never understood why people get so emotional when a relationship breaks down. When my relationship breaks down, I immediately begin to wonder what took her so bloody long to leave in the first place".

Always look on the bright side mate.
I agree, up to a point.
It seems like people around here act like it's the end of the world when a relationship ends. Fact is, it's just another part of the growth process. Yeah, it hurts, but so what?

I've had my share of breakups and heartbreak. And it sucked at the time but I got through it. And I know if it happens again I can get through it. Every relationship that ends is an opportunity to meet new women. Look on the bright side, like perseverance said.
 

Kailex

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decentguy said:
She also said that I'm not even in the same category as her exes (1 was a player, 1 was super possessive and some were average guys), and that she's never had such an easy, effortless relationship (i.e. no fighting or passive/aggressive crap).

Forget the rest of the thread.
I'm surprised no one caught this IMMEDIATELY.

She said to him "I've never had such an easy, effortless relationship."

That's the deathknell right there.

That already means that you are no longer a challenge, it means that you will become the boring but secure part of her life. You'll become the beta provider, which in a way, you slowly are becoming.

3 months in and you did what?

WHY? If you already have her, why say it first?

No woman of yours should ever say that the relationship is easy and effortless. For a man easy and effortless is good. For a woman, it ultimately means boring. Sad to say, that's the way the reality of it works. And the only reason why she's begging you to forgive her is because she realizes her ex is way worse than she remembers, but keep being "easy and effortless"... it'll drive her back to him if she doesn't find something better.

You tell me, OP, you already gave yourself completely to her... what's left for her as a challenge? In 3 months time, you completely unveiled yourself. Now...she has you.
 

Hullothere

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jesus h christ there is a lot of negativity in here. Did you **** up by telling her you love her so fast? yes thats a big ****up.

but I dont see anything too bad from all the examples you posted. shes just busting your balls. I LOVE when girls like to play that game with me because that gives me a green light to bust her balls even more. Don't you say things like that to your friends? Isn't it in fun and not some underhanded way of emasculating you? Well thats what I see here unless told otherwise. Don't take it so seriously and take every chance you got to get her right back. Be playful, have fun with it. Seriously stop being so uptight.
 

f283000

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nightcrawler said:
So what you're saying is that the girl you marry, the one you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, and the one that bears your children isn't going to be your best friend? what the **** kind of world do you live in?
There's a difference between a best friend and your girlfriend/wife and that is you aren't f*** your best friend.

If there isn't a difference to you that is a mistake as you are putting a lot of weight on just 1 person. You are probably one of those guys that make their world revolve around your woman. That's not how you are supposed to live your life. She should compliment your life but should not be your everything.

With my best friend we play sports, we hang out, we go downtown.

With my girlfriend I have secks with, dinner, movies etc.

It's mentality such as yours that ends up destroying guys after they catch their girl cheating/she dumps them or whatever. They don't understand that a woman is a compliment to your life much like a car is a compliment to your life. You should never make them into your everything and make your life revolve around them by making them your girlfriend, your best friend, your this and that and bla bla bla bla.
and what countless other guys? as far as I'm concerned people reading on how to pick up women are a minority...I'd say 10% of the population.
I have read plenty of situations such as this so it's nothing un-common. To verbalize your feelings to a woman like that so soon most of the time isn't "cute" to them like you say but rather a turnoff/attraction killer and creepy.
 

decentguy

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Update:

We were talking yesterday and she casually mentioned that she called the phone company and blocked all incoming texts and phone calls from her ex's number. She was genuinely worried.

What I see here is her keeping her word, on her own. She still seems to be doing everything she can to show me that she's serious about me and actually does love me.

Other than that, she's as affectionate and happy as usual with me. So far, things are as great as usual between us. And they're the same way they've been before any of this happened (me telling her I love her and her ex contacting her). She's not pulling away in any way, shape or form.

Oh and for the record, I only told her I love her once. Since then she's always the one to say it first.

I also now realize that I haven't at all been paying attention to all the positive signs of her attraction towards me, which far outweigh the things which I was perceiving as negative, which it turns out, aren't.

This is what happens when you spend too much time reading information about women on forums and trying to overanalyze every single detail of every situation.


To people who may read this treat in the future: DO NOT make the same mistake I made. My mistake wasn't really saying that I love her. My mistake was overanalyzing everything and letting my anxiety and fear filter my perception of reality. It will drive you crazy and will prevent you from enjoying healthy relationships.

Sometimes, keeping things simple is the best way to go about interactions with women.


Always come from a place of confidence, be trustful of women (not mistrustful like many people on this board), and you'll win if the girl is on the same page as you.
 

Falcon25

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See you after valentines day when she dumps you. And, if you don't like the message board, don't ask the question. Log off, and go on your marry way. But, we will soon see you on a break up message. So, until then, good bye my dear...............
 

Mantis Toboggan

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decentguy said:
Always come from a place of confidence, be trustful of women (not mistrustful like many people on this board), and you'll win if the girl is on the same page as you.
Gonna have a hard time taking relationship advice from a guy who thinks he's in love with a girl after dating for 3 months.
 

Falcon25

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Mantis Toboggan said:
Gonna have a hard time taking relationship advice from a guy who thinks he's in love with a girl after dating for 3 months.
LMAO
 

tinctrar

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3 Months is quite short to really feel love - but its the easiest time for us as humans to say it cause everything is so new and usually exciting...

However, I have been in the same boat before when I was a bit younger. And recently as well...however she told me she loved me first.

Lets just say things got weird. Fast. So I backed off.

She just got back from a trip outside of the country and told me she missed me...so I asked "how much". She was looking for me to say it back - but over the course of the week she was gone and even before that I started spinning plates again and now I feel like im in control again.

What I have learned over the course of life is that words are cheap my friend. Actions speak louder than words.

Maybe you messed up. But it is what it is. Have to agree with the others here - spin plates. Live your life. It will help you see how she truly is. If you focus on her then your relationship will truly end without even testing it. You will have lost any kind of competitive advantage.

It does sound like you have a bit of Oneitis. Let her actions speak for themselves. Over the course of time of dating other girls and hanging out with the brothers you may realize she really isnt all that great. Trust me - Ive been there before.
 
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