To break up with the GF, or not to??

[Crissco]

Like I said in my previous post, fix your trust issues first. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. The less you trust her, the more likely she is to act it out and get some D.

Of course, I know that. After she lied in January and **** that happened and the little things, it makes it hard for me to trust her now. Had no problems with this when I was just "dating" and also spinning plates consistently.

 

[hithard]

Of course, I know that. After she lied in January and **** that happened and the little things, it makes it hard for me to trust her now. Had no problems with this when I was just "dating" and also spinning plates consistently.

Perhaps that may have been the death knell for the relationship. If you think you will be in this constant state of stress whenever she is out or on FB, then do you really want to stay in this relationship.
The only question you need to answer is if you can deal with it or not.

 

[Crissco]

Perhaps that may have been the death knell for the relationship. If you think you will be in this constant state of stress whenever she is out or on FB, then do you really want to stay in this relationship.
The only question you need to answer is if you can deal with it or not.

I know man, I repeatedly say that to my self, I literally just said it before to my self.

I do see my self getting less and less stressed out as time goes on because im changing the way I think. But it also comes down to, am I going to have these problems in ever relationship. I know nothing is perfect but still IT IS hard for me to trust her and sometimes even accept her for who she is, but yet its like an addiction to be with her and hang out, now I finally understand what people say when they mean "partner".

Its funny because I came such a long way in my life, but being a shy kid during HS, to not having a GF...etc, to banging multiple girls a week for a long time.

 

[hithard]

Just a heads up, when I said deal with it I did not mean lower standards or ignore red flags. Just a small play shift.

Had a mate that did this. He and his misses went out to her friends BBQ, they both got pissed and he was sent home with the kids while she went out. She slept at her friends he went crazy and came to friends house and kicked the door in. Yeah crazy moment however he has now accepted he needs to change (fair enough) but now she walks all over him.
There are subtle plays in everything. You overplay something and it can come back to bite you in the ar$e.

 

[Crissco]

Just a heads up, when I said deal with it I did not mean lower standards or ignore red flags. Just a small play shift.

Had a mate that did this. He and his misses went out to her friends BBQ, they both got pissed and he was sent home with the kids while she went out. She slept at her friends he went crazy and came to friends house and kicked the door in. Yeah crazy moment however he has now accepted he needs to change (fair enough) but now she walks all over him.
There are subtle plays in everything. You overplay something and it can come back to bite you in the ar$e.

Its like the law of attraction and NLP, thinking negative thoughts bring out negative actions, anchoring negative thoughts in a girls mind brings out negative actions in her.

 

[Crissco]

Any other advice anyone wants to give me?

Really thinking about breaking up with her tonight.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Its funny because I came such a long way in my life, but being a shy kid during HS, to not having a GF...etc, to banging multiple girls a week for a long time.

You had problems, and those problems kept you from women. But then later you got women and even a girlfriend, and those problems still didn't go away. I think a lot of guys go through that. When you're not getting laid, it's easy to think that if you just accomplished that goal, it would fix all your problems.

Your earlier point of wondering if all of these same issues will just re-appear in your next relationship is a very good one. That's the crux of the issue, here. I think a lot of them probably will. That doesn't mean your girlfriend is without her own problems, too, but like yourself, everybody has issues, including the next girl you will meet.

The insecurity of worrying about another guy taking your girlfriend has to come from somewhere. It's easy to blame the woman, but there is something in your mind that makes you feel that way to begin with. It's probably the same thing that made you shy in the first place. Whatever it is, that's what you need to focus on. And ask yourself about your girlfriend, is she willing to do the same thing for herself and her own problems? The odds of two people both doing that is slim, which is why there are so many miserable relationships.

 

[Crissco]

The insecurity of worrying about another guy taking your girlfriend has to come from somewhere.

That came from my BPD ex who fu*ked my so called best friend and then fu*ked the whole town. And the fact ive fu*cked girls with boyfriends so i know how easy it can be, esp when there are problems in the relationship.

And ask yourself about your girlfriend, is she willing to do the same thing for herself and her own problems? The odds of two people both doing that is slim, which is why there are so many miserable relationships.

Shes working on this relationship more then i am honestly. Shes trying harder then me and i see it everyday, shes changed a lot of me, a lot of the things that i want she does. Only problem is i sometimes have to remind her 3 times and i hate that. Its not like i tell her once and she does it, certain things yes.

Alot is me and my expectations of people, i expect alot from her and shes not keeping up with all of it.

Unless i change my self there is going to be a point where she gets fed up and leave me, i know that.

 

[origin138]

Unless i change my self there is going to be a point where she gets fed up and leave me, i know that.

You nailed it with this statement. This all really has little, if anything to do with her. It's always easier to point out the flaws in others and completely miss the boat when it comes to our own flaws. You're so busy looking (controlling) her that you're not even seeing how far off the mark you are.

I say this not to shame you, but to help you get better. Once you master yourself, you can master others. When you think about it, there are only 2 things you have ANY control over: how you act, and how you react...that's IT. I used to do the same things man (and still have a tendency to from time to time). I had a quality woman who I always found fault with. I'd create BS where there was none and constantly attack her over the most ridiculous things. I'd use her past mistakes against her and generally treat her like sh!t. Little did I realize, I was the one with some serious inner issues that needed to be worked out. In fact, all of my failures with "good" women have been my own doing.

Eventually, said woman bailed and married someone who was in better control of himself and wasn't always attacking her about her flaws. Women want safety and security. Controlling men can't provide either of those things. Once she starts fearing you and tip-toeing around you, it's game over. She'll eventually resign herself to the fact that you'll never accept her as she is, and move on to another dude who isn't so high maintenance.

Self work is a road few have the balls to travel. Most people would rather travel the safe road of blaming others and always assuming other people are wrong/incorrect. It's a road filled with avoidance and denial that leads to no real growth. I applaud you for your above statement and hope you are able to really look at what's making you behave this way.

 

[Crissco]

You nailed it with this statement. This all really has little, if anything to do with her. It's always easier to point out the flaws in others and completely miss the boat when it comes to our own flaws. You're so busy looking (controlling) her that you're not even seeing how far off the mark you are.

I say this not to shame you, but to help you get better. Once you master yourself, you can master others. When you think about it, there are only 2 things you have ANY control over: how you act, and how you react...that's IT. I used to do the same things man (and still have a tendency to from time to time). I had a quality woman who I always found fault with. I'd create BS where there was none and constantly attack her over the most ridiculous things. I'd use her past mistakes against her and generally treat her like sh!t. Little did I realize, I was the one with some serious inner issues that needed to be worked out. In fact, all of my failures with "good" women have been my own doing.

Eventually, she bailed and married someone who was in better control of himself and wasn't always attacking her about her flaws. Women want safety and security. Controlling men can't provide either of those things. Once she starts fearing you and tip-toeing around you, it's game over.

She told me months ago, she has to walk on egg shells around me. None of this is good, or healthy, for the me or her. She also knows i have problems accepting her, she asked me last night, will you ever expect me for who I am...I responded with, i am with u arent i. Truthfully i dont know if i ever will.

Now the question is, do I work on my self, with, or without her in my life?

 

[origin138]

Now the question is, do I work on my self, with, or without her in my life?

Self work never really stops, it's a continual thing. Whether you're with her, or someone else, you will still need to be in charge of yourself 100% of the time. It might make sense to start the journey without her. You're too bogged down with this chick right now to take an objective assessment of yourself.

You learn a lot about yourself by being completely alone for a while. You learn a lot about your level of need, and your ability to handle silence/solitude, and you're forced to face your inner demons. If you can't handle being alone with yourself, how can you handle being with someone else? Being alone is when some of the best periods of personal growth happen. The level of introspection is unparalleled.

In my periods of being single/alone I've built a business, built a web directory that yields a lot of money each month, built up my condo, learned guitar, traveled, paid off debts, and have learned to keep my life on lockdown. I've made a promise to myself that the only thing that will fvck my life up is death itself. I wonder if these things would have been possible had I been tied down with someone.

Until recently I have avoided LTRs because I wasn't in a place to have one. Now, I can, because I bring a lot to the table, and am in charge of my life. I'll be goddamned if some broad is going to come in and wreck it all. She either adds to my life, or she's gone. The more concrete you and your life are, the easier it will be to separate the women from the girls. You can discern on the fly the women of value from the bottom feeders.

You'll find that as you start working on yourself and on your life, you won't even need to approach women much. They'll come to you. There is something intoxicating (irresistable) to women about the successful man who is comfortable being in his own skin and not giving a fvck one way or the other... because at the end of the day, his life is good. He can do with, or without her. When you reach that place, you're unstoppable.

Quite a rant here, hope it helps.

 

[Crissco]

Self work never really stops, it's a continual thing. Whether you're with her, or someone else, you will still need to be in charge of yourself 100% of the time. It might make sense to start the journey without her. You're too bogged down with this chick right now to take an objective assessment of yourself.

You learn a lot about yourself by being completely alone for a while. You learn a lot about your level of need, and your ability to handle silence/solitude, and you're forced to face your inner demons. If you can't handle being alone with yourself, how can you handle being with someone else? Being alone is when some of the best periods of personal growth happen. The level of introspection is unparalleled.

In my periods of being single/alone I've built a business, built a web directory that yields a lot of money each month, built up my condo, learned guitar, traveled, paid off debts, and have learned to keep my life on lockdown. I've made a promise to myself that the only thing that will fvck my life up is death itself. I wonder if these things would have been possible had I been tied down with someone.

Until recently I have avoided LTRs because I wasn't in a place to have one. Now, I can, because I bring a lot to the table, and am in charge of my life. I'll be goddamned if some broad is going to come in and wreck it all. She either adds to my life, or she's gone. The more concrete you and your life are, the easier it will be to separate the women from the girls. You can discern on the fly the women of value from the bottom feeders.

You'll find that as you start working on yourself and on your life, you won't even need to approach women much. They'll come to you. There is something intoxicating (irresistable) to women about the successful man who is comfortable being in his own skin and not giving a fvck one way or the other... because at the end of the day, his life is good. He can do with, or without her. When you reach that place, you're unstoppable.

Quite a rant here, hope it helps.

At 20, I started reading self help books, and working on my self, since then i made a 180 deg turn around in my life. Got into pick up, got as many girls as i wanted, felt good.

Getting into pick up and learning everything i can gave me confidence, false confidence looking back. I felt great, yes, but it was just masking who i really was.

Im thinking this time i need to start over from scratch. Work on my internet biz and make it extremely successful, have enough saved so i can quit construction and never look back. Move out of the house and so forth.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Just like when setting goals - visualization is a powerful technique to get what you are focusing on.

Here is how it current looks on paper:

Your mindset = can't trust biatches

project that onto current partner

partner has enough and cheats

You feel justified

Mindset = can't trust biatches

But if it's just not working for whatever reasons then don't treat it like jail and do your time. You are free to leave when you think it is not working.

!!!! Yes yes. Your own mind is your worst enemy and it will bring forth what it focuses on the most. This is probably the most important post in this thread.

 

[hithard]

Any other advice anyone wants to give me?

Really thinking about breaking up with her tonight.

Couple questions.

Is the main reason you want to break up because of trust and issues stemming from that e.g feel miserable, anxious, negative because of the feeling you can't trust her?

Do you actually want this relationship to work or see a future with this chick?

Has the negativity already affected the dynamics of the relationship (is she starting to pull away)?

If she just doesn't do it for you that's fine, cut loose and don't waste a minute. If you think past problems are affecting the way you think and you do actually want to be with her then that's a different story.

 

[Crissco]

Couple questions.

Is the main reason you want to break up because of trust and issues stemming from that e.g feel miserable, anxious, negative because of the feeling you can't trust her?

Yes and no, im sick of her ****, like playherman said and i agree, im sexually attracted but dont like her as a person(certain things annoy me about her, or better yet, i let them annoy me

Do you actually want this relationship to work or see a future with this chick?

I do want it to work, but no i dont see a future with her because of the way things are going now, i just feel like we are not compatible anymore, we were when we were dating and i was seeing other chicks too.

Has the negativity already affected the dynamics of the relationship (is she starting to pull away)?

not pulling away at all

If she just doesn't do it for you that's fine, cut loose and don't waste a minute. If you think past problems are affecting the way you think and you do actually want to be with her then that's a different story.

Answers in bold

 

[hithard]

Answers in bold

I reckon you answered your own question on if you should stay or not.

 

[Crissco]

I reckon you answered your own question on if you should stay or not.

Not really lol....feelings say stay with with her, logically my brain says break up

 

[Crissco]

If she didn't have t!ts and a pu$$y would you still spend this much time with her?

Arguments happen between any two people, but the people you spend your time with should be compatible with you a majority of the time. They should have enough in common with you that you (overall) enjoy their company.

Sex doesn't count toward this, really, because you can have sex with any other woman. Even if it's mind blowing sex, that only sustains things for a little while. You still are spending most of your time doing other things with her. So sticking with a woman you don't like just for sex is pointless. That's like going repeatedly to a restaurant with a mean waitstaff and outrageous prices just because the food is good. A lot of places serve great food and will also be treat you well.

If you decide to break up with her, vow to learn from this and change yourself. You don't want to carry things over to the next girl. Especially if it was you with the trust issues to begin with.

Im not doing it for the sex, i have no problem getting girls, before her i was getting pus*y on the reg. I said the only time we are fully compatible is when we are having sex.

And to answer your question yes, doesn't matter male of female ide still spend alot of time with that person, obvi depending on the level of friendship

 

[hithard]

Not really lol....feelings say stay with with her, logically my brain says break up

You know the situation best. While a lot of guys will tell you instantly to break up, this is a decision you have to make in your own best interests that fits with the future you want for yourself.

It's easy to see some inner game issues from a weak foundation but I think a lot of us make those same mistakes. This needs to be dealt with either way.

You only have a couple of options either move on or fix the problems. If you stay with this mindset of 'should I go or should I stay' and continue the relationship she will eventually cheat/leave. Just whatever you do don't stand still for to long or bad things start to happen, keep moving forward.

Breakups can hurt, thats life.

 

[Crissco]

You know the situation best. While a lot of guys will tell you instantly to break up, this is a decision you have to make in your own best interests that fits with the future you want for yourself.

It's easy to see some inner game issues from a weak foundation but I think a lot of us make those same mistakes. This needs to be dealt with either way.

You only have a couple of options either move on or fix the problems. If you stay with this mindset of 'should I go or should I stay' and continue the relationship she will eventually cheat/leave. Just whatever you do don't stand still for to long or bad things start to happen, keep moving forward.

Breakups can hurt, thats life.

I know. For me, its i care to much or i dont care at all. I need to find that happy medium in relationships.

I had that happy medium perfectly when i was spinning plates, had a number 1 girl, number 2 girl and so forth.