Tips on LTR lack of respect/IL?

[mintxx]

Hi guys, hope you can help...
I've been seeing this girl for more than two years, had thought we were fairly committed. But we just had a bit of an argument that almost (at my instigation unfortunately) led to mega dating disaster and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

So last night she calls me, I moved to close the convo as I had to go do ****, and she made some comment that I was always boring on the phone (I'm pretty busy with law school this time of year and I mostly just go out with buds and study). She also whined a bit that I was rude to some stranger who called my phone by accident. Fair play, I think, and I hang up.

A half hour later, after she messages me goodnight, I rang her back, and pointed out that I'm busy, and if she's after entertainment there are plenty of guys unemployed and living with their parents who have the time to entertain her, and that I'd said I'd be busy, and she should stop criticizing me as I don't nitpick with her and it shows a lack of respect.

She's very stubborn and refuses to apologise. I was aware I overreacted, but she makes things worse, so I hang up. Later I message her 'think about what i said, its important to me, goodnight'. Next morning she texts 'okay'.

That evening I call her and ask if she has thought about this. She refuses to acknowledge my concerns, and says some nasty **** including some stuff that comes from nowhere and is pretty shocking: 'i dread it when you call, i was watching something mildly interesting on tv, you're giving me physical pain, can i go now'. So, I say I want to put this behind us and get some understanding, and she just says she has to go watch TV and hangs up.

Perhaps this is fair enough on her part, since I don't usually call her for no reason, and she mostly calls me all the time. But I decide that this is serious disrespect - you don't say stuff like that to someone you care for unless it's true - so I call her one last time and say pretty harshly: 'You can apologise for what you said just now, otherwise I'm not your boyfriend anymore, because I can't believe you have any respect for me with **** like that coming out of your mouth when I have never nagged you or insulted you like that'. (this is roughly what I said, it was a bit smoother).
She apologises in a sullen kind of way (she's 27, lives at home, bit of a brat at times) and says goodbye, in that 'you know I don't mean it so wtf are you going to do?' way. Later I text her 'and as you say, sorry's more than just words so i'll show you I still like you and you can show me that you're sorry'. (kinda lame, I know).

Now, what the hell do I do? Given that: we live a way apart so any meeting is planned, and that she's never been like this before, and that I don't want to drive her away by demanding apologies etc., do I ignore her for a week? And if I do, as I most likely shall, how do I establish some kind of respect after what she's said? I don't want to dump her but I think she has this idea that I'll put up with anything. I'm not sure that's really worth it, but how do I get a demonstration of real repentance from her? I can't really threaten to dump her again unless I actually do.

Your thoughts are appreciated, if I get no replies after a couple days I'll delete this. Thanks guys,

mintxx

 

[Blusher]

'i dread it when you call, i was watching something mildly interesting on tv, you're giving me physical pain, can i go now'.

Listen to her words. She has such low IL right now that she feels this repulsion even physically when you have these boring conversation on the phone.

She's not lying to you pal, nor playing games. She's telling the truth right there: she finds you boring and you're not a challenge to her anymore.

What else is there to say?

Oh and if you thin you can re-ignite the flame, you re just fooling yourself. Judging by the first sentencee of your message, it looks like you guys didn't pass the dating phase anyway in more than two years.

I've been seeing this girl for more than two years, had thought we were fairly committed.

'fairly committed' can you explain? It sounds like an oxymoron or something. You are ou you're not committed...

'seeing this girl'? If this girl was a keeper you'd be thinking of getting her pregnant or whatever now you don't even call her your girlfriend or anything. Is that because you know her IL is too low to make any plans of that sort?

 

[Latinoman]

This was your mistake:

A half hour later, after she messages me goodnight, I rang her back, and pointed out that I'm busy, and if she's after entertainment there are plenty of guys unemployed and living with their parents who have the time to entertain her, and that I'd said I'd be busy, and she should stop criticizing me as I don't nitpick with her and it shows a lack of respect.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

How much time have the two of you spent together during the two years of the relationship and how long have you been apart most recently?

 

[Crank_It_Up]

Hi guys, hope you can help...
I've been seeing this girl for more than two years, had thought we were fairly committed. But we just had a bit of an argument that almost (at my instigation unfortunately) led to mega dating disaster and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

a bit of an argument you say? oh goodness, tut tut, and all that stuff, please go on

So last night she calls me, I moved to close the convo as I had to go do ****, and she made some comment that I was always boring on the phone (I'm pretty busy with law school this time of year and I mostly just go out with buds and study). She also whined a bit that I was rude to some stranger who called my phone by accident. Fair play, I think, and I hang up.

what? boring on the phone? you? of all the nerve, a guy like you... doesn't she know you've been out "studying with the buds"? how dare she? after all you're in law school, doesn't that count for anything? imagine being in law school and having to be more exciting than watching paint dry... the nerve of that girl. please go on

A half hour later, after she messages me goodnight, I rang her back, and pointed out that I'm busy, and if she's after entertainment there are plenty of guys unemployed and living with their parents who have the time to entertain her, and that I'd said I'd be busy, and she should stop criticizing me as I don't nitpick with her and it shows a lack of respect.

jolly good for you mate, that's showing the strumpet a thing or two... hopefully you didn't strain your heart with all that heavy drama, how exciting, please go on

She's very stubborn and refuses to apologise. I was aware I overreacted...

you musn't overreact, you might injure a hangnail or something... please go on

...but she makes things worse, so I hang up. Later I message her 'think about what i said, its important to me, goodnight'. Next morning she texts 'okay'.

That evening I call her and ask if she has thought about this. She refuses to acknowledge my concerns, and says some nasty **** including some stuff that comes from nowhere and is pretty shocking: 'i dread it when you call, i was watching something mildly interesting on tv, you're giving me physical pain, can i go now'. So, I say I want to put this behind us and get some understanding, and she just says she has to go watch TV and hangs up.

shocking, simply shocking... ok, enough sarcasm, dude you are giving me physical pain just reading this post. Ok, you've been dating a girl for 2 years, you had a fight, big freakin deal, don't get your panties in a wad. Have you never had a fight with anyone in your entire life? Discuss it briefly, laugh about it and go on. The things she said that you consider insults just might must be ways you can better yourself, but do it for you, not her.

 

[speed dawg]

You two sound like a couple of kids.

Yeah, she's disrespecting you, most likely due to low interest level. Damm, at least you got the benefit of her overtly TELLING you that she can't stand you. Most girls will just make sh1t up to try and make it your fault. She point blank told you that you were boring, a pain, rude, dreadful, etc....what else do you need to hear??????

I say leave her alone. Grab your balls, nut up, and go find something better for yourself. Unless, of course, you LIKE being treated this way. Then by all means, try and get her back.

 

[mintxx]

We'd probably been together for one or two nights a week, sometimes more, went overseas together for two weeks at one stage, but things had been kind of steady since then.

She didn't seem keen to move in with me, which was a good thing as far I was concerned. There are various reasons why I've taken it slow, and you might be right - it just isn't going anywhere. But the thing is, like three days ago she was in my bed giving me a bj and telling 'I truly, truly love you', which of course doesn't speak as loud as her later actons and words. She suits me a lot more than other girls I've been with, but maybe I just need to let this one go. My current tack is to simply ignore her; if she has any interest in maintaining things she's just not going to respond to me trying to fix things.

I'm worried that subconciously I feel I have a lack of options, like being with one girl for this long has stunted my pulling power and dulled my instincts. I'm not prepared to reward her bahaviour to save the relationship because she'll get all loved up then suddenly do it again.

Latinoman, could you put a finer point on that, not sure what my actions convey there, thick as that might sound.

This kind of thing has happened to a minor extent before, and we've also had fights in the past where I have simply taken myself off the radar for a week and had her start apologising for her little girl behaviour, but this is different - she clearly doesn't give a shi.t about insulting me and has suddenly turned to venom. It's the wrong time of the month to be hormonal, no other cause for it except me, which is why I sense the time for decisions has come. To be honest, I'm dead sick of the up-down-up-downness of it all.

Normally I would take Blusher's advice and chuck it. But if there's another tack I can take without encouraging her behaviour, I'll try it. Any other thoughts appreciated, though the current advice has been good and solid and what I'd say to another guy in the same boat.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

You did a reasonably good job of b1tching her out for her bad behaviour. Women actually want us guys to do this more often than we do.

But what they also want is for you to get over it once you have b1tched them out and just move on with the relationship.

------------------

Guy says: "Quit being such a b1tch ..."

Girl says: 'I am not a b1tch ..."

Girl thinks to herself: Actually I was a b1tch and it kind of turned me on the way he showed backbone this time. None of my other boyfriends stood up to me this way but they were just boys anyway.

Guy thinks to himself: I hope I didn't take this too far and drive her away.

Girl thinks to herself: I'm too stubborn to apologize but I will make it up to him in a few days when this blows over. I like this backbone side of him.

Girl says: "Goodbye. I'm mad."

------------------

Two days later

Girl thinks to herself: Why isn't he phoning me? I'm sorry for what I did and I am really horny right now. But I'm stubborn and won't apologize. I wish I had a boyfriend who could just smooth things over. I won't do it again.

------------------

Two more days later

Guy says: "Let's go see that movie you wanted to see."

Girl says: "You were very mean to me last time. Why would I go to a movie with you. Why haven't you phoned for four days."

Guy says: "I meant what I said. I expect my girlfriend to ... But I'm over it now and let's just move on."

Girl says: "I'm still mad but pick me up at 7:00."

Girl thinks to herself: He is so cool. I'll have to act upset for awhile yet, maybe the whole movie. But the make-up sex is going to be so good later tonight.

 

[speed dawg]

Rejoice in your newfound singlehood. And pulling chicks isn't as hard as you might think.

 

[mintxx]

Crank It Up, almost cried I laughed so hard. You make some good points too, sarcasm included. Thanks!
'Grab your balls, nut up, and go find something better for yourself.' thanks Speed Dawg, truth. both of your posts came in while I was posting. awesome. Starting to think maybe I should just take her out and get back to old times, and fvckin relax whether she works out or not.

 

[mintxx]

JustdoItAlways, also awesome, though optimistic. thanks ^_^

 

[Latinoman]

One thing I learned many years ago is that when it comes to verbal arguments against couples that a man will never win. It is impossible to win in a debate when one of the people in that debate is in an emotional state. Now, if that person happens to be a woman, which by nature are very emotional, the chances of “winning” (even if you are 100% correct with evidence in front of you and witnesses) is literally ZERO.

She said you were boring…because she either truly believes you are boring OR because she is upset that you don’t want to expend lot of time in the telephone with her and made the comment as a frustration. And maybe you were rude to the person on the telephone and maybe she was right about that.

How would I have dealt with this situation? For starters, I personally don’t care if I’m boring on the telephone as I typically limit my conversations to less than 10 minutes. So, my reaction to her remarks would have been simple (in a nonchalant tone):

“Baby…listen…concerning me being rude to that individual…do you know what? You are right. I was rude. Now, listen to me as what I’m about to tell you is very important. You know that we have been together for ___ years now. Therefore, it is obvious that you are important to me. That said…my law school is also important to me. So, I must study and prepare for this class and consequently I cannot spend lot of time on the telephone. Now, you said that I am a boring person on the telephone. Perhaps we should talk less in the telephone, or perhaps we should limit our conversations to less minutes. Now…I had to go…not because I don’t want to talk with you…not because I don’t want to entertain you…but simply because I have to study. Now, don’t get me wrong, if you need to talk about issues that are bothering you…and you need an ear…you know that you can call me at any time. And you can rest assure that I will LISTEN to your problems and I will SOOTH you. And when it comes to the telephone business…I rather master the ability to listen and sooth…than the ability to become an entertainer. ”


Chick text messages you “Good night”

You simply text message back ‘Good night’.

But you calling back…that on itself added wood to the fire and brought up a lot of other things out that she probably said to simply piss you off.

In your case…even if you would have not come with my reply…you should have simply said “Good night” and left it at that. And then when she was less emotional…simply talk to her about the “other night” and do it face to face.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Troops,


A few comments for y'all:


Women who are INTO you, "act" like it------CONSISTENTLY.

Women who AREN'T into you, "act out" against you because they are ovewhelmed with feelings of INDIFFERENCE and INCONSIDERATION concerning YOUR feelings.

Women act in the fukked up ways that they do towards you because they have NO FEAR of losing you.

Fear is often the emotional response sparked by the "anticipation" of losing something (or SOMEONE) of value.

When ANY woman consistently "acts out" against you without regard for the health and life of your shared relationship, she does so ONLY because she now no longer sees any VALUE in having you.

A Woman without LOVE (high interest in you) is a woman without FEAR.

Protect your hearts out here,soldiers ...and for God's sake----ARM yourselves...


March on.

 

[Crank_It_Up]

...Women who are INTO you, "act" like it------CONSISTENTLY.

Women who AREN'T into you, "act out" against you because they are ovewhelmed with feelings of INDIFFERENCE and INCONSIDERATION concerning YOUR feelings.

Women act in the fukked up ways that they do towards you because they have NO FEAR of losing you...

umm... not so sure about that one. It seems to me that the people you care about most are the ones that can hurt/anger you the easiest, and become the target when you lash out. I don't think it matters if you are a guy or a girl.

I wouldn't take any "acting out" against me from a girl I had a realtionship with as a sign of indifference as much as a sign she interpreted something I did or forgot to do as a sign I didn't care for her.

 

[realsmoothie]

One thing I learned many years ago is that when it comes to verbal arguments against couples that a man will never win. It is impossible to win in a debate when one of the people in that debate is in an emotional state. Now, if that person happens to be a woman, which by nature are very emotional, the chances of “winning” (even if you are 100% correct with evidence in front of you and witnesses) is literally ZERO.

This is true... and most fights with women begin because the woman is in an emotional state already. Of course, guys do this too.

The point is not to try to "win". You can't because she's not trying to win, she's trying to express herself.

In your case, Mintxx, I think she's hinting at having problems with the fact that you don't see each other enough... she's suggesting that phone conversations with you aren't enough.

It might be a situation that's unfixable, given your status as a law student. But you'll have to figure that out.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

(I'm pretty busy with law school this time of year and I mostly just go out with buds and study).

and you've had a girlfriend for the last 2 years because?,...

I rang her back, and pointed out that I'm busy, and if she's after entertainment there are plenty of guys unemployed and living with their parents who have the time to entertain her,..

FUKKING BRILLIANT!! This should go in the SoSuave Tips section.

'i dread it when you call, i was watching something mildly interesting on tv, you're giving me physical pain, can i go now'

NEXT!

She apologises in a sullen kind of way (she's 27, lives at home, bit of a brat at times)

27 and living at home? You've been monogamous with this child for the last 2 years? AND you're in law school? Are you fat? Do you have no game? Are you horribly disfigured? WHY WOULD YOU CONSIDER MONOGAMY WITH A 27 y.o. SO IMMATURE THAT SHE'S STILL LIVING WITH HER PARENTS?!

Now, what the hell do I do?

DTB, dump that b!tch and spin more plates. When you finish law school you will be a prime commodity, know your value and don't give it away to a spoiled cvnt, too immature to know she should be living on her own.

 

[mintxx]

This is awesome advice. Time for me to wake the fukk up I think. I've found some interesting stuff on this forum, I'll be back. Mods if you can leave this thread floating around somewhere it can still be read, I think the ground's been covered pretty accurately and I'll have to apply it if I want to live with any dignity.

Rollo, fair assumptions but she's moved back home after about 7 years renting various places so she can afford to finish her uni degree. None of the above, in good shape except perhaps no game.. almost dead from lack of use or motivation, fvck!

Thanks guys, any further thoughts also appreciated. I'll let you know how I go, will first start spinning more plates and cutting this relationsh!t down to occasional fvckbuddy, matching her IL. Latinoman also makes a good point to consider but for now I won't waste my breath. Plenty of stuff on this site to change my outlook, so back later! mintxx

 

[edger]

One thing I learned many years ago is that when it comes to verbal arguments against couples that a man will never win. It is impossible to win in a debate when one of the people in that debate is in an emotional state. Now, if that person happens to be a woman, which by nature are very emotional, the chances of “winning” (even if you are 100% correct with evidence in front of you and witnesses) is literally ZERO.

I know, crazy eh? And you sit there while she's balling her eyes out, and you're like what the f*ck is happening? They can ball all they want, it's not going to change the evidence and my perception. You can win if you just come to terms with the fact that she's either:

1. A basket case who's not operating with a full deck

or

2. A manipulative b*tch

 

[mintxx]

Well well. I conveyed this attitude to her courtesy of RT: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1154592&postcount=4
Since it's basically the truth, and I no longer feel ashamed of it. The rules are that she only comes to my house, brings food, makes passionate love to me and doesn't take up my time in any other way; for some reason she suddenly turned wet with excitement when I told her I didn't give a fukk whether she left or stayed because I had to get my sh!t done. Don't know how long her enthusiasm will last but it doesn't really matter; the only time I'll be spending on women will be fukking them and improving my djing skills on them to replace her.

I DO NOT want to turn into a 'could've been' loser in my 30s with no investment in myself so I think I'm effectively single for the next 5 years. Hopefully my motivation will last and I can bust a nut on this degree, really nail it to the wall. I'm also worried that a lot of my mates are heading down the other road bbut you can't save em all. mintxx out

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

It never ceases to amaze me how all the most insecure guys I know, who're trapped in these dead-end LTRs and scared sh!tless to man-up and adopt an "I don't give a fukk" approach, suddenly find that their controlling GFs do a 180 in their attitude and go all wet between the legs once they stick to taking the frame of the relationship back. It's sooo predictable, but guys are too shakey, worrying that they'll lose the ONE girl for them and never entertain the thought that they could do better.

We only chase what runs away from us. When you walk away from a relationship (not threaten, but actually do) you expose the charade for what it is, a power play. The girl who was once making all the rules in her comfortable position of rationing out her sexuality finds herself back in the arena of competition with other (percieved) women for your attention, security and comfort. And nothing motivates a woman more than this sexual competition anxiety. This is the point where a guy can really see that she's more insecure than himself and also understand the bait & switch nature of how women lock men into their frame if he's unwilling to command it himself.

That feminine competition anxiety is good. Let a woman's imagination work in your favor. The only obstacle a guy needs to overcome is his own stupid anxiety that he'll "never get a better chick than her", and sadly, most men never take the chance or even have the confidence to test a woman like this.