Be the Customer She Loves
If you're one of those guys that can get any girl on Earth in thirty seconds or less, you're my hero. But you don't need to read this.
Okay, now that those guys are gone, I'm gonna tell you a few things from my years of experience in the restaurant business. I can't tell you what will ultimately win her over, but I can tell you some things you should avoid doing if you ever want to get under her skirt.
A few things you should understand: A good waitress can make hundreds of dollars in a few hours, in part because of men's egos. We just have to believe that if a woman is nice to us, she must be attracted to us. So a man will sit around, sometimes for hours, trying to talk to a busy waitress, just because she smiled at him a few times. And he'll just look more and more pathetic. Then when he finally realizes she's not going home with him, he leaves, and he puts a ridiculously huge tip on the table, apparently thinking she will be so impressed that she will like him even more the next time he comes in. Well, it better be a very very big tip, because there are a lot of guys doing this, especially if she's really hot. And to be honest, the bigger the tip, the more pathetic you look. It just makes you look desperate, and we all know that women just love the stink of desperation, right? But she'll remember you, and she'll continue to cash in on it. Here's what you get: a pretty smile, and a burger and fries for $30.
Us guys in the restaurant business that know a little something about the psychology of waitresses, we're laughing at you. You're a bunch of chumps. You come in and ask for a specific waitress, sit down and try to disable her with your smile, try a few painfully stupid lines on her, check out her ass in those tight pants every time she walks by, she knows it and flirts with you, shows you her cleavage, you try to pick her up, she politely rejects you, gives you the bill and never goes back to your table, you leave your life savings on the table for her and leave, she goes back to the table and puts the bling bling in her pocket, and another guy just as brilliant as you walks in the door, and it all starts over again. Whew!
A couple weeks ago, after I watched a waitress cash in on some chump, I said to her, "Us guys are about the frickin' stupidest people in the universe, aren't we?"
"You got that right," she said.
HOW TO NOT BE ONE OF THE FRICKIN' STUPIDEST PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE
Do what I say here and you could have sex with a waitress. I know, because I have sex with them. I've been working at my current restaurant for about six months, and I've banged six of them. Now I'm just waiting for them to hire more, because all that's left are the ugly ones.
Best times to come in.
Don't come in while it's busy. She won't have time for you, the service will not be that great, and you'll just add to her frustration.
In general, these are the slow times: After the noon rush, but before the dinner hour, then again after the dinner hour. If it's a 24-hour establishment, don't bother her after bar closing. She's dealing with the obnoxious drunks. Oh yeah, and don't be drunk. She's probably not, and it won't turn her on.
Come in one to three times a week, four at most. You want to look as if you have a life. Come alone sometimes, but occasionally bring a male or female friend, but not some scruffy slob. Appear classy. Behave classy. Be pleasant and nonthreatening. Make good eye contact, but don't gawk at her, make light humor. Talk and act in such a way that she thinks you like her, but don't need her. Leave before you get annoying.
Make yourself stand out.
Look at it this way. One hot girl in a room full of men stands out. One hot girl in a room full of hot girls doesn't. Sure, you're a decent-looking guy, but she sees a hundred of those every day.
Be a semi-regular customer, not a stalker. Learn the difference.
Be occupied. When dining alone, read a stimulating book or magazine while you wait. Or use a laptop, but only to do business-type stuff, or check email. Don't cruise porn sites or play solitaire. And don't pull out your preppy little cell phone. Damn, those things suck. They're annoying. I actually think you'll score more points with her if she thinks you don't own one.
Order the same thing a lot, but not all the time. She'll feel a closeness to you if she can smile and say, "Let me guess-- coffee, black...T-Bone steak, medium rare, fries and corn, right?" She's getting to know you. But don't be too predictable. Keep her guessing by ordering something different occasionally.
Don't go in there at the end of her shift, when she's tired. The exception is if it's not busy, and you can be very charming. Then she can go home with a nice memory of you. But at the end of a waitress's shift, she is trying to get her sidework done, and she's not trying to have customers because she can't leave until her work is done. And if you linger there forever, she can't clock out until you pay your bill. So she might be done with all her work, and is just hanging around, thinking, "Come on, a$$hole, pay your bill and get out of here so I can go home."
Make her job as easy as possible. Almost.
Have her do something extra for you, but not multiple times. Get a refill on your Coke, but when she brings it back, don't say, can I get some Tobasco sauce too? Then when she brings that back, and you say, "Oh could I also get more sugar?" now she's getting mad. Think of everything at once, so she only has to make one trip. If you're friendly and low-maintenance, during slow time, and it's not towards the end of her shift, she will enjoy doing a little extra for you. Especially if she thinks you're cute. But sometimes, don't be demanding at all.
Don't be a pain in the ass.
Don't ask how much stuff costs. You just seem cheap, and it's right there in the menu anyway, you moron. Don't ask for stuff to be made special. A few days ago, this redneck asked me for an omelet with sausage links, tomatoes, cheddar cheese, green peppers, ham, bacon, mushrooms, chicken, and hamburger. I told him we don't have anything like that, but he wanted it. He wanted me to tell the cook to fry up a hamburger, chop it up, and put it in the omelet. I had to get the manager to explain to Jethro that he should order food that is on the menu. That's why we have a menu. So don't do that to a waitress you're trying to get with. If she says, "I'm sorry, I don't think the cook will make it that way," you've pissed her off. If you ask her to check with the cook, now you've really pissed her off. And know what you want when she gets to your table. Don't take forever to order. She's got other customers.
If the manager asks you how everything was, smile and say the food was great and the service was great, even if it wasn't and it wasn't. Nobody wants to hear you b!tch.
Don't throw her out of sequence. If she asks you what you want to drink as soon as you sit down, there's a reason for that. Waitresses have a routine, and if you say you want the drink with the meal, or you're not ready to decide that yet, she'll say okay, no problem. She's lying. It's a problem. Then, when you get your food and she still forgot to bring your drink, don't complain. You're the one who threw her off her routine.
Keep this kind of sh!t up, and all the waitresses will avoid you. They'll say, "Here he comes again. I took him last time, today it's your turn. Please Betty Lou, you take this idiot's table, and I'll work for you Saturday night." Don't be that guy. Make them fight over whose turn it is to serve you, not avoid you.
Leaving a tip.
You don't want her to like you because you're a good tipper, you want her to like you because you're a fair tipper. Give her what she's earned. But don't be mean. If she's a little ditzy and screws up a lot, but you can tell she's trying, cut her some slack. She'll love you for it. For you cheap guys, you may not like it, but if you leave less than three dollars, she's gonna think you're a cheapo. "Well, what if I just ordered coffee?" Don't. Order some damn food. If you're just a java guy, she's not gonna like you, because she'll know you're going to be leaving a puny tip. And pay in dollar bills. Don't leave her your loose change, some lint, and a crumpled Juicy Fruit wrapper.
Sit in the nonsmoking section.
If you know she smokes, it might be alright for you to smoke, but honestly, I think it's best to refrain. I don't want to sound insulting, I used to smoke myself, but the fact is that the rough, unrestrained, loud, obnoxious people sit in smoking. You look classier in the nonsmoking section, kind of like sitting in first class as opposed to coach on an airplane. But it's your call. I remember how it felt to really want a cigarette, especially after a meal.
When you come in, don't ask specifically for her to be your waitress. Ask occasionally, but she may be too busy to help you every time. If she is really starting to like you, you'll know it, because she'll make sure you always get seated in her section.
Why is it important to know these things? If you know what works and what doesn't, you increase your odds of winning. Too many guys think they're getting somewhere with a waitress just because she flirts with them. Listen: She makes less than minimum wage in many cases. She needs your money. She learns to perfect her technique at getting that cash. When I'm working with a waitress and two guys sit at my table, and two women sit at hers, we switch, because she's better at getting a good tip from guys and I'm better with women. We learn to use our appeal, and people leave us good tips when they think we're attracted to them too.
As long as she can control you by playing you for your money, you won't make much progress sexually. I want you to score and quit being such a chump, so do what I said here, and she'll see you as a challenge.
If you're one of those guys that can get any girl on Earth in thirty seconds or less, you're my hero. But you don't need to read this.
Okay, now that those guys are gone, I'm gonna tell you a few things from my years of experience in the restaurant business. I can't tell you what will ultimately win her over, but I can tell you some things you should avoid doing if you ever want to get under her skirt.
A few things you should understand: A good waitress can make hundreds of dollars in a few hours, in part because of men's egos. We just have to believe that if a woman is nice to us, she must be attracted to us. So a man will sit around, sometimes for hours, trying to talk to a busy waitress, just because she smiled at him a few times. And he'll just look more and more pathetic. Then when he finally realizes she's not going home with him, he leaves, and he puts a ridiculously huge tip on the table, apparently thinking she will be so impressed that she will like him even more the next time he comes in. Well, it better be a very very big tip, because there are a lot of guys doing this, especially if she's really hot. And to be honest, the bigger the tip, the more pathetic you look. It just makes you look desperate, and we all know that women just love the stink of desperation, right? But she'll remember you, and she'll continue to cash in on it. Here's what you get: a pretty smile, and a burger and fries for $30.
Us guys in the restaurant business that know a little something about the psychology of waitresses, we're laughing at you. You're a bunch of chumps. You come in and ask for a specific waitress, sit down and try to disable her with your smile, try a few painfully stupid lines on her, check out her ass in those tight pants every time she walks by, she knows it and flirts with you, shows you her cleavage, you try to pick her up, she politely rejects you, gives you the bill and never goes back to your table, you leave your life savings on the table for her and leave, she goes back to the table and puts the bling bling in her pocket, and another guy just as brilliant as you walks in the door, and it all starts over again. Whew!
A couple weeks ago, after I watched a waitress cash in on some chump, I said to her, "Us guys are about the frickin' stupidest people in the universe, aren't we?"
"You got that right," she said.
HOW TO NOT BE ONE OF THE FRICKIN' STUPIDEST PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE
Do what I say here and you could have sex with a waitress. I know, because I have sex with them. I've been working at my current restaurant for about six months, and I've banged six of them. Now I'm just waiting for them to hire more, because all that's left are the ugly ones.
Best times to come in.
Don't come in while it's busy. She won't have time for you, the service will not be that great, and you'll just add to her frustration.
In general, these are the slow times: After the noon rush, but before the dinner hour, then again after the dinner hour. If it's a 24-hour establishment, don't bother her after bar closing. She's dealing with the obnoxious drunks. Oh yeah, and don't be drunk. She's probably not, and it won't turn her on.
Come in one to three times a week, four at most. You want to look as if you have a life. Come alone sometimes, but occasionally bring a male or female friend, but not some scruffy slob. Appear classy. Behave classy. Be pleasant and nonthreatening. Make good eye contact, but don't gawk at her, make light humor. Talk and act in such a way that she thinks you like her, but don't need her. Leave before you get annoying.
Make yourself stand out.
Look at it this way. One hot girl in a room full of men stands out. One hot girl in a room full of hot girls doesn't. Sure, you're a decent-looking guy, but she sees a hundred of those every day.
Be a semi-regular customer, not a stalker. Learn the difference.
Be occupied. When dining alone, read a stimulating book or magazine while you wait. Or use a laptop, but only to do business-type stuff, or check email. Don't cruise porn sites or play solitaire. And don't pull out your preppy little cell phone. Damn, those things suck. They're annoying. I actually think you'll score more points with her if she thinks you don't own one.
Order the same thing a lot, but not all the time. She'll feel a closeness to you if she can smile and say, "Let me guess-- coffee, black...T-Bone steak, medium rare, fries and corn, right?" She's getting to know you. But don't be too predictable. Keep her guessing by ordering something different occasionally.
Don't go in there at the end of her shift, when she's tired. The exception is if it's not busy, and you can be very charming. Then she can go home with a nice memory of you. But at the end of a waitress's shift, she is trying to get her sidework done, and she's not trying to have customers because she can't leave until her work is done. And if you linger there forever, she can't clock out until you pay your bill. So she might be done with all her work, and is just hanging around, thinking, "Come on, a$$hole, pay your bill and get out of here so I can go home."
Make her job as easy as possible. Almost.
Have her do something extra for you, but not multiple times. Get a refill on your Coke, but when she brings it back, don't say, can I get some Tobasco sauce too? Then when she brings that back, and you say, "Oh could I also get more sugar?" now she's getting mad. Think of everything at once, so she only has to make one trip. If you're friendly and low-maintenance, during slow time, and it's not towards the end of her shift, she will enjoy doing a little extra for you. Especially if she thinks you're cute. But sometimes, don't be demanding at all.
Don't be a pain in the ass.
Don't ask how much stuff costs. You just seem cheap, and it's right there in the menu anyway, you moron. Don't ask for stuff to be made special. A few days ago, this redneck asked me for an omelet with sausage links, tomatoes, cheddar cheese, green peppers, ham, bacon, mushrooms, chicken, and hamburger. I told him we don't have anything like that, but he wanted it. He wanted me to tell the cook to fry up a hamburger, chop it up, and put it in the omelet. I had to get the manager to explain to Jethro that he should order food that is on the menu. That's why we have a menu. So don't do that to a waitress you're trying to get with. If she says, "I'm sorry, I don't think the cook will make it that way," you've pissed her off. If you ask her to check with the cook, now you've really pissed her off. And know what you want when she gets to your table. Don't take forever to order. She's got other customers.
If the manager asks you how everything was, smile and say the food was great and the service was great, even if it wasn't and it wasn't. Nobody wants to hear you b!tch.
Don't throw her out of sequence. If she asks you what you want to drink as soon as you sit down, there's a reason for that. Waitresses have a routine, and if you say you want the drink with the meal, or you're not ready to decide that yet, she'll say okay, no problem. She's lying. It's a problem. Then, when you get your food and she still forgot to bring your drink, don't complain. You're the one who threw her off her routine.
Keep this kind of sh!t up, and all the waitresses will avoid you. They'll say, "Here he comes again. I took him last time, today it's your turn. Please Betty Lou, you take this idiot's table, and I'll work for you Saturday night." Don't be that guy. Make them fight over whose turn it is to serve you, not avoid you.
Leaving a tip.
You don't want her to like you because you're a good tipper, you want her to like you because you're a fair tipper. Give her what she's earned. But don't be mean. If she's a little ditzy and screws up a lot, but you can tell she's trying, cut her some slack. She'll love you for it. For you cheap guys, you may not like it, but if you leave less than three dollars, she's gonna think you're a cheapo. "Well, what if I just ordered coffee?" Don't. Order some damn food. If you're just a java guy, she's not gonna like you, because she'll know you're going to be leaving a puny tip. And pay in dollar bills. Don't leave her your loose change, some lint, and a crumpled Juicy Fruit wrapper.
Sit in the nonsmoking section.
If you know she smokes, it might be alright for you to smoke, but honestly, I think it's best to refrain. I don't want to sound insulting, I used to smoke myself, but the fact is that the rough, unrestrained, loud, obnoxious people sit in smoking. You look classier in the nonsmoking section, kind of like sitting in first class as opposed to coach on an airplane. But it's your call. I remember how it felt to really want a cigarette, especially after a meal.
When you come in, don't ask specifically for her to be your waitress. Ask occasionally, but she may be too busy to help you every time. If she is really starting to like you, you'll know it, because she'll make sure you always get seated in her section.
Why is it important to know these things? If you know what works and what doesn't, you increase your odds of winning. Too many guys think they're getting somewhere with a waitress just because she flirts with them. Listen: She makes less than minimum wage in many cases. She needs your money. She learns to perfect her technique at getting that cash. When I'm working with a waitress and two guys sit at my table, and two women sit at hers, we switch, because she's better at getting a good tip from guys and I'm better with women. We learn to use our appeal, and people leave us good tips when they think we're attracted to them too.
As long as she can control you by playing you for your money, you won't make much progress sexually. I want you to score and quit being such a chump, so do what I said here, and she'll see you as a challenge.
