time sensitive: the confused ex, please help

[iqqi]

history: dating guy. become great friends as well as lovers, together for 3 months nonstop, as in pretty much every day, practically live at his house even. then confusion sets in, as he one of those afraid of commitment types. we keep "breaking up" then getting back together.

the last time we got back together, i woke up (he was at work) and found a used condom at the top of his trash, not from me! that meant that the one day we werent together (even though we talked that whole day and night) he somehow had a chic over, and banged, that quick and easy.

so i was p!ssed. it was over. i was out. he apologized, "i am sorry" bla bla.

since then he has emailed some bullsh!t. as in how can i just be with him like that, and then say it is over. then that some would look at that like i dogged him out. i dogged him out!!!

then he comes to the club i am a regular of. we don't speak. then last night he "returns" a book i gave him to read. i just said thanks and shut the door. theeen, and this is why i am heated.

he emails me some bullsh!t. he is trying to break the ice. have i had enough time and space to figure things out. we can still be friends in his eyes. he didn't talk to me at the club because he was giving me my space, and my friends were giving off bad vibes. why was it like that? he might be cooking tonight, if i want to come over.

i am fuming!!! what bullsh!t!!! and i don't know what to do.

1. call him and cuss him the fcuk out. "what are you talking about!?"
2. completely ignore him. but then he will keep trying here and there, and it p!sses me off every time he does!
3. let him cook me dinner (me being a b!tch back) then tell him that he should stop contacting me and leave.

please give me advice! how mad would yopu be if you were in my shoes, with this insincere, bullsh!tting ass person!

 

[iqqi]

i'll add

the reason i am so upset about this is because not only does it come across as insincere and bullsh!t, but i am hurt.

he is acting like nothing that big happened. in many ways. like "we" weren't a big deal, like everything we had, wasn't a "big deal". like him scared to commit wasn't a big deal. like sleeping with that girl wasn't a big deal.

so us still being friends, shouldn't be a big deal.

it is like he is saying "what's the big deal?"

and it is seriously fcuking with me. like i don't know if i should tell him what the big fcuking deal was. or if he knows, but he is lying to himself and these are the moves of a desperate man. or it wasn't a big deal to him, so it shouldn't be a big deal to me!

this sh!t is driving me crazy!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Iqqi, weren't you planning on leaving town and living with 'circus dude' after meeting him for a few hours - and now you are complaining that your man screwed another girl and did not take your relationship seriously!!!!

As most women today, you only have a sexual relationship with this dude and that is all!! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!!

If you want to know if a man is serious about you then don't give 'it' up at all and see how long he sticks around!!

 

[Slickster]

Iqqi,

You may find the following quote familiar as it is you who wrote it. It was some advice you gave to Squirrels on another post. I just thought it was fitting for this thread. Funny how that works.

Once again your words (with your name subbed in for Squirrels, and the word "women" changed to "men"):

by iqqi

this sh!t again
cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it.

iqqi, don't you get tired of posting the same boohoo sh!t? seriously, you have been disillusioned with men and life and in a rut for how long now? how many posts are you going to start with the same sh!t? the same sh!t, said the same way!

look at yourself. if you are so disillusioned with life and men, and who knows what else, then you need to seriously look within. how many times to we have to say the same sh!t to you?

next time you want to start this thread, don't do it. tell yourself to be a woman. and quit whining like a biotch.

how is that for a slap in the face? you like those, don't you? cuz you ask for one every other week.

Some pretty harsh words but they're yours and they do fit the situation.

How many times are you going to let your player boyfriend dog you? You hang with dogs and you're gonna get dogged. Its all been said to you before.

You seem like a smart gal iqqi. I just wonder why you let yourself get all emotional over this bullsh!t time and time again. Time to grow up and rise above all this shyt. Lose the dude and start looking for someone who is going to treat you right. Too much drama in your life.

Peace

 

[DJ_Dork]

iqqi, sorry girl - no exp in your corner ... Uh.. well sounds like a lot of drama/games being played- just move on.

 

[iqqi]

you know what, it is easy for you to say that. both of you. but this is not the same sh!t. i have never had someone that i was so close to, stay so persistent, but be full of sh!t about it!

we all go through drama in relationships. we all have ups and downs. this post isn't me saying i am tired of always getting sh!t in relationships. or that i am disillusioned with the men i meet. or that i am tired of drama and ups and downs. we all are! i know i am not exclusive in getting sh!t i don't deserve.

this post is specific. if you read what i wrote, and can't relate, then don't post. i know i am not retarded for being newly upset about this. this is not a usual issue!

i know i have the right to be mad, and i know why and all of that. you don't have to question my intelligence like that.

i don't have experience or patience or CLARITY in dealing with the fact that he is persistently trying to keep his foot shoved in the door. don't sit here and tell me it is simple, and i am always b!tching about it. because this is a new situation for me, that is why i am seeking PERSPECTIVE.

you can sit here and very easily type in that i should know better. but what are you telling me? that i should objectify men? not trust them anymore? isn't that what YOU all b!tch about? how women don't really care about men or their feelings? how they are all cold hearted shallow b!tches. please. this sh!t is almost funny!

PRL, this guy went wayyy out of his way to get the door of opportunity even cracked with me, so don't patronize me like i just cam eeasy to him. he proved alot to me to get where he did. that is HOW we became so close.

why should i have to explain this sh!T? you all know what it is like to trust someone then get burned! stop acting like i am retarded.

i am confused and unclear (for many good reasons) on how to deal with him not letting go. who couldn't relate? this is confusing for me. i wish i didn't have to be in this position, and it just makes it harder and more confusing that we were friends, and he keeps acting like he didn't do anything wrong. and that i shouldn't be so upset!

someone tell me something that might help!

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Look, Iqqi... Some guys, just like some girls, are extremely self-centered. In their minds, if something isn't a big deal to them, it isn't a big deal to anyone.

This guy had you, he disrespected you, he couldn't commit to you, he cheated on you, and whatever else. Obviously, you know that the thing to do is to walk away.

But the nature of being self-centered is that nobody else's opinions matter. It's causing something of a cognitive disconnect for this guy that YOU decided to get rid of HIM.

Now, I tend to believe that you are intelligent enough to stay away from this guy. All contact between you needs to end. He's going to try to find bullsh*t excuses to continue contacting you. I'd start by setting your email settings to ignore his email. He will eventually give up.

 

[squirrels]

You know what you have to do. You're letting neediness and emotion cloud your judgement.

Take a deep breath, stop worrying so much, and do what's good for iqqi.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

I cannot let a person's desperate cries for help go unanswered!

Chica, you are an experienced woman and you act as if this is your first encounter with a man's callous ways. You are hurt because you opened your heart to this guy and he stepped on it by cheating on you!! Why did he cheat? Because he saw you as a typical woman that is no different than his past conquests!

You had sex with him before you loved him and before he loved you - just like the rest of the chicas he had in the past, so obviously he saw you as just another sexual encounter without deep-seated life-long consequences!!

This is what you are pissed about because you saw him as more than just a sex partner (you call it 'lover’) whereas he saw you just as another lay! But tell me how you differ from his past relationships and why you should have been treated differently? Men do not respect women who they bang at will - only if he is greatly affected by a woman’s persona and loving character will he make an exception.

That’s right, you were un-deserving of such disrespectful treatment. Well to that I say, whenever I screw a girl I know that my penis is the same as other men and I actually expect her to not be loyal – if she is screwing me at will with no commitment to her (marriage) then I know she can do the same with someone else! This doesn’t justify her cheating actions, but it does explain them. This is why men need to be emotional unattached from the women we keep as sex partners, if we are to remain emotionally and mentally healthy!!

If you are married, then obviously different rules of fidelity apply!!

Iqqi, I know this is not what you are looking for, but it is the answer! Do not become emotionally involved with your sex partner!! This is difficult for women to do as I stated in my other post to you on your last thread…


A woman’s mental and emotional nature, as a female, is fundamentally and spiritually different than a man’s nature. But women, as of late, have mimicked men in satisfying their physical appetites, and sexual gratification and pursuits; however, they have done this without the emotional and mental armor that is embedded within a man’s nature. This armor separates us, emotionally and mentally, from the sex act and the sex act is mainly (I said mainly) a relief valve for our innate carnal lusts that we seek a release from (for procreation purposes this aggressive desire is needed – that is why we are pursuers – you call it testosterone on this site – I call it the divine nature of a man). Women, generally speaking, view the sex act differently than a man does, they feel as if it is something more than physical. What man feels a need to cuddle after sex?


If you want to protect your heart, only trust your wife/husband - as should be expected. You have no moral contract with a girlfriend / boyfriend, so you cannot be upset with them on moral grounds!!

 

[NewMan]

I think this is an easy one....

The fact that he banged another chick the DAY he was not with you says it all doesn't it?

Yes, men will fvck anything that moves - but is that an excuse?

You were having problems, but instead of him trying to work this sh#t out with you, he was thinking how he could get rid of you (off of the phone) so he could bang this other skank.

And, if you think this other chick is going out of the picture, then you can forget it. How many times has he fvcked her? have you asked yourself that? because if he's managed to do that THAT day, you can bet he could have fitted her in multiple times.

So what now?

Go over his house to "Get back at him" - no, thats not classy. Thats even a waste of your time.

So, the only option is to forget about him.

This is doomed.

Can you go forward dating a guy like this? would you want to wonder whether he's fvcking some other chick? whether he's going to "Fit in another" chick after he puts the phone down.


Only you can answer this Iqqi - but I think the answer is obvious.

 

[iqqi]

thanks so far for the encouragement to get rid of him. i need that, it is hard to ignore his cries of "abandonment" and "misery".


just for the record, about this:

Originally posted by NewMan
You were having problems, but instead of him trying to work this sh#t out with you, he was thinking how he could get rid of you (off of the phone) so he could bang this other skank.

he was the one calling me that day. isn't that what is crazy? i could tell he sounded strange. wonder if he knew why he was guilty for the way he was feeling.

and we weren't having problems, this was actually during a period of days where we were patching it up!!!

 

[ManOMan]

Im curious, this guy sounds very self centered, ME ME ME, Nothing is a BIG DEAL unless it is a BIG DEAL for me type.

He minimizes the seriousness of other people's problems, pains and issues and is inconsiderate. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

If you point out something he did wrong, he will immediately turn it around and make you feel guilty (why are you doing this? we had soo much!).

While you were dating him, didnt he give off any of these vibes or red flags??

WHy is he so persistent? Because ITS ALL ABOUT HIM, he thinks he can break anything and fix it at anytime. He thinks he has you so wrapped around him, that all he needs to do is make you feel guilt, minimize the importance of the situation, then make it seem like he is the victim

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. CUT HIM OFF, just take in the pain for a few months and let it pass. Otherwise this feeling will follow you for months and years.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by ManOMan
Im curious, this guy sounds very self centered, ME ME ME, Nothing is a BIG DEAL unless it is a BIG DEAL for me type...

you and giovanni are right. this is something i kind of saw, but didn't realize to much. i owe you for pointing this out! the insight i needed!!!

i was always caught up on his audacity. like, does he not know that i should not ever speak to him again? did he not realize when he ordered take out pvssy that i would maybe not stick around?!

what is worse and harder for me to understand, was i thought this would not be an issue, because he worked so hard to be with me. from the initial me even giving him the time of day! and i could tell from the way he treated me, and all his time he gave me unprovoked, that he was very much into me. you know you can tell.

when we would fight, and he would get out of control, he would always seem so surprised at how much his feelings were involved. and i would not get it. duh?

i know he misses me! i am not flattered when he tells me this. did he not think he would? i couldn't get over his idiocy.

but now it is becoming clear. he is self centered so completely, he is blinded! he is blind to the fact that he is actually a fcuking idiot! and he will realize everything too late. and that is not my problem.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by ManOMan
He thinks he has you so wrapped around him, that all he needs to do is make you feel guilt, minimize the importance of the situation, then make it seem like he is the victim.

i think that he doesnt even do this on purpose, as a method to getting me back. i think he actually believes this sh!t! that the situation is not serious, and that i am a mean and evil, and he is just "a man". a victim.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Was this the same 'rapperboy' guy that called you at niight to pick him up when he was stranded by another girl?

If it is, wouldn't you expect this kind of behavior from him?

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
Was this the same 'rapperboy' guy that called you at niight to pick him up when he was stranded by another girl?

If it is, wouldn't you expect this kind of behavior from him?

yes, same guy. he was stranded by his ex. that was the first time any red flag popped up. but it was the beginning of the relationship, and i told him i was not cool at all with what happened that night, and he never did anything like that again.

that was one of the reasons i kept things going. he made genuine efforts to fix what i would get p!ssed about. as in the sh!t that would upset me, just one fight about it, and poof! disappeared. i recognized and appreciated that about him. ya know?

 

[ManOMan]

Well let me explain guy mentality here, a guy may really dig a girl, hook up with her, and get emotionally attached. But his self-serving sex instincts kick in and he miscalculates the consequences (or if he even thinks of consequences)

Such as, I have Iqqi, but surely I can get away with a quick lay without her finding out!

and if I get caught, I will fix it.

The sad thing is, guys like this always put their needs before the feelings of others. This is consistent throughout their lives.

Now its your move, do you want to be involved with someone like this?

I think your ego is a bit shattered, it happens to us all. The best you can do is learn from it and move on.

Hell if it makes you feel better and you can stand firm and dissolve this relationship, call him up and tell him off. then hang up. Change your #, email and any contact #.

Throw that damn snowball

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by ManOMan

Throw that damn snowball

hahahaha! he is actually the one i was talking about in that thread (not the ex i wanted to throw snowballs at) but the one who i kept crying about how close of friends we were.

i was so emotional and distraught that you liked me!

for nostalgic purposes

 

[JohnJones]

There have been plenty of times in my life when I had harmed a girl either through self-centered actions, maybe because even if I did care for her I was too young, or just by being a jerk, generally because I didn't care that much for her.

Either way, I was also fine with keeping in contact because... well, why not? It wasn't much skin off me because I had basically ended things and wasn't out on a limb emotionally. It was no problem for me to engage in a little drama because I was the director.

What he wants is to be engaged, to have something that fills the void or that causes him to feel like something is going on. He may really even like or love you but reciprocation is not required.

The worst thing and the best thing you can do to him is not care and just ignore him.

 

[DankNuggs]

YOU ARE GETTING PLAYED.........


Your only argument for keeping him is the fact he 'proved' himself to you early in the relationship....whatever.....doesn't sound particularly intelligent. Of course you would be 'smitten' with him to have a relationship....

Like most girls, you give yourself too much credit...miss the forest for the trees.

Like I said to you before, it seems like the basis of your life is to create and foster drama. You'll go eat dinner with him and 'be a b1tch' as you say so you can fan the drama fire...

All 3 of your 'options' are simply an analysis of different dramas that will get played out. Why not Option A: Leave him, find someone that will treat you right, and move on with your life...It maybe has less drama, but more dignity....