Through the fields of red flags...

[JJohn]

Hello! I'm gonna write a little story here. It's going to be more or less "talking-to-myself" kind, and I can't guarantee it's gonna be worth reading; despite that, I would love to hear you guys out, because it seems to me, after reading majority of threads here for almost a month, that you are bunch of experienced and really wise man. Every tip or advice would be appreciated!

So, story will appear very typical to you, I guess. I am 25 old who has always been a social outcast. I have never been able to grow any sort of deeper emotion to any human being, even my parents (I was raised in a pathological family with tons of abuse). I've always felt a very little need of any social interaction (yes, I was a virgin), intimacy issues and depression on the record. Yet somehow I managed to get grasp of things, I sorted things out, at least to the point where I became a "functioning" human.

Then I've met her, through Internet. She's 21 and lives in a different country, we were keeping in touch for more than 2 years. We've became "friends", I guess? We would talk about everything really, we graduated from simple texting to skype, we would even watch many movies together. I found out that I really like her company, our little chats, emails and it was just a nice addition to my solitary life.

Suddenly, she came up with that... she loves me and she wishes to see me. That was a bit of a shock to me (e-love bull****, right?), but she was very persistent about it. Five months later, I pack my things and fly to another country, to spend whole week with her. She's overexceeding my expectations. Great, sweet, I lost V-card to her (yes, I lost v-card being 24). It's been few months now after I've come back and she claims she would like to be with me, she would like to "at least try to maintain a relationship".

Problem is, she's a walking CRIMSON RED flag:
- sexually active since early teens, more than dozen sexual partners (that's her number, we all know how to treat it)
- one night-stands, threesome with girls (!) on a record
- abused by father
- self-image and self-esteem issues
- anorexia and self-cutting records
- mental issues (attempted suicide), was even hospitalized for that
- seems to be interested in "polyamoury", but she's willing to be dedicated to one relationship only (wtf even?)

And list goes on. But on the other hand:
- I have never asked of any of those things, she told me all of it by herself, because "she wants me to know who I am dealing with"; she seems open and clear about that
- when confronted with her "past", right after the initial phase of "YOU DONT HAVE A RIGHT TO JUDGE ME", she's always very ashamed and claims that "she just wishes to be better and she's done with a error's of the past"; she also claims I am introducing "order" in her (I know, typical bollocks, but still)
- I was cross-refferencing her a lot; I was saving chats since we've met and comparing them - stories she was telling were appearing in the same way/format throughout all the time; also, when I met her, all the places, things and objects were perfectly matching her stories. The point is: I have never caught her on even a little lie. Everything is very consistent and I was strick about it.


I've felt great every single moment I've been with her, but now when I think of it, doubts are killing me and my gut is getting, basically, bat**** crazy. I want you to understand how delicate the case is - different countries, all that stuff.

I wonder about many things;
- maybe it's just my insecurities shining through that she had so much "sexual" action before me and subconciously it makes me feel less of the man? (although she claims that I am the best lover she has ever had) Still, I would've rather remain oblivious to her past and I told her about it - she claims I should "man up and embrace the truth". In fact I just feel disgusted when I think about it.
- i'm afraid about... incompatibility? I mean, it took me so many years to develop some sort of affection to one human being (her I mean, I really like her) and it was long and painful process, while she was doing this **** virtually on a daily basis. (although she claims she has never thought about any of her past "boys" being anything "serious")


She also claims she was using sex to "punish herself", and that she has never really got much out of it. Supposedly, I was the first with whom she got sexual satisfaction of any kind, because she "felt secure".


Don't get me wrong guys, I am not dreaming about having a "LONG LOVELY LIFE WITH HER UNTIL WE DIE" or anything like that. I don't want any kids or marriage. I just like her company (she's rarely a *****, she's not "acting out", unless I question her or her past, but even then she is capable, more or less (more than other woman I know), to debate things).

And I wonder how to play it out, to get most out of it.

Do you think it is possible to get into it, but without too much of an attachement? To try it out, knowing that it's doomed to failure and it's just a matter of when, not if, and just squeeze out what's best in it and afterwards, when **** hits the fan, just abandon the ship?

Or such attempt is a guarantee failure and all what awaits is just a series of drama rollercoaster and me getting out of it as an emotional wreckage? especially concidering my "lonesome" nature; maybe I overestimate myself and I am not capable of "detaching" myself at all and I would end up with some crushing oneitis?

Or maybe some of you guys have a pure (naive...?) view that maybe change is possible and sometimes White-Knighting can turn things around and nothing is set up to fail unless we try? I mean - I don't have to take any distant example, my own is sufficient; I was a really troubled kid from a very bad family who was sentenced to be a failure by everyone, yet I managed to finish my degree and now I am building my own business.


You know, point is - I am not a "player". I look good and women love me, but I have never had a desire to be with any (24y virgin, speak for himself). I am just mostly very indifferent and... distant I guess? I usually don't even have a sex drive, before I was just fapping once per month to avoid blueballs and that was a chore. I focus on my interests, I excersise a lot, I read and write and I was alone in those activities all my life. So all this usual talk about "game" and "nexts" etc. seriously doesn't apply to me, because I don't have a geniune interest in such activities, it bores me a lot and its draining, when I can use that time in developing myself and my passions.



I am just wondering. I would love to hear some input from you guys, I would love to debate a bit. Hopefully we can learn something in the process.

 

[SecondHalf]

JJ,

That was a good read.
The direction of my advice was realized the moment I read "lives in a different country". LDRs are very difficult and frustrating for the most balanced of individuals and only seldom work.

I appreciate the honor your GF is showing by being open about her very tattered past. But is it honor or confidence she's got you hooked and vindication for future episodes as yet unseen ("you knew what you were getting into, it's not my fault"). I dunno, there is crap that has gone down in my life I don't share. Why would I? It's in the past...

PPRF was completely correct with his suspicion that this woman sounds like a person suffering from BPD. In fact, the "CRIMSON RED flags" read like BPD symptoms posted all over the internet.

It must be confusing as you have seen no evidence that the past will reassert itself in the future after 2 years. Please consider, that you've been spared the outbursts, tantrums, and anger thus far because for the most part, they can be considered and edited before e-sent to you. Had you two met and courted under more traditional circumstances, odds are that this first post of yours would be a question on how to get over your abusive BPD ex GF.

You're just starting to open up to life beyond yourself. Shouldn't it be ideal?
Was this woman the cause of you opening up ... maybe, but likely not. You're in your prime and are starting to open yourself up to such avenues. She just happened to be the one you were most involved with at the time.

I don't imagine there is anyone on this site that would recommend moving forward with this woman. Whether you sever it or fade matters not, but staying in it (let alone progressing further) would not be good for you. Lets face it, you've only got a couple more vacations and the next step will be "big bang" where you pick her up at the airport with all her belongings stuffed into two suitcases.

Join a meetup group (or something like that) that will allow you to pursue an interest and interact with people with the same interest. You need to put yourself out there if you want to meet someone by chance without ulterior motives.

Good Luck,

SH

 

[GotED?]

My comments are below:

1) This story reeks of 'Captain-Save-a-Hole' fairytale. She is using her tainted past to exploit your 'Mr. Niceguy' weakness. You probably grew up with a complex in wanting to help other and feel sorry for those who are less fortunate than yourself. That is a great trait, but protect your heart at all cost in love.

2) You probably told her you were a VIRGIN. That got her on her high ego and attention wh0re highhorse. She KNEW you were 'safe' (her way of saying secure with you) because she's been FOOKED in the head by too many Alpha's in the past. So she is really truly DAMAGED goods. She is now resorted to recover her self-esteem and confidence with you. Becareful, when she heals herself enough, she will tromp upon you like trash in the New Orleans 5th Ward.

3) I agree with other posters, this smells like some sort of personality disorder. Does she have children or is a single mother?

I am entitled to these comments because I have personally experienced very similiar thing in the past and even got married and fooked up. My ex- did have Narcissistic and BPD disorder traits, she ended up punching me in the face with an object and going hysterical into rages.

Just like yourself, I met her on the Internet continents apart (Europe and United States). Like yourself, she professes love for me within a couple of months. I was at the tail end of a divorce and was really very vulnerable. I lackd self-esteem and didn't know my self-worth, and had been married so long that I didn't know what dating was anymore.

She knew what prey she was after, just like yourself. The innocent, nice guy who she can CONTROL and be SAFE and not hurt. Not getting hurt is a major facet in the personality disorders such as BPD - a woman turns into damaged goods because she is so fearful of getting hurt and rejection.

I ended up giving up everything I had and MOVED to her country, got married, and a few months later she exhibited massive craziness and then I divorced her arse. I learned it the hard way - don't let the same experience mark you as well, learn from my pain and move on quickly.

Be happy that you lost your virginity to someone you found hot to be with, however; be honest - you are really just infatuated with lust. There's little commonality in the end of the day and LUST will always wear off after 6-12 months being with the same person EVERY DAY. The long distance is just a mirage to cover up and avoid a true relationship. People get involved in LDR are really intimacy avoidant - why would you want to do it in the first place? To keep people away from you being too close.

Good luck,

With respect

Exodus

 

[JJohn]

Actually, here's the thing:
She considers me being MILES beyond her league in every aspect. She's thinking (due to my athletic look and being "handsome") that I have tons of sexual experience on every level and she was even intimidated by it (I haven't denied nor accepted, I just talked my way out of it in a witty way). All the time she was blushing and gasping when I was looking into her eyes, she would have problems keeping eye contact for a longer periods of time, etc. After one night, she bursted into tears after orgasm (tears of "joy", she said) and then she went into being ashamed over how she feels like being inadequate for me in general.

So it's a bit different I guess - I am not considered "weak" by any means, she's constantly afraid that "some femme fatale" may take me away. She's always seeking for my approval about her looks and she's very sad when I disapprove of something etc.

And I am very far from being blinded by sex. I haven't even come HAHA. I told you guys, my sex drive is very low. I did it for her and her only, because she's madly turned on by me.

Plus, she's single. She had few LTR, but none lasted longer than one year. After last time, she took almost "year" break from any sort of relationship, ****ing one or two guys on some random occassions. She also claims she hasn't had any sex with whoever after she confessed her feelings to me.

 

[GotED?]

She's a drama queen - especially when she 'came' and was in 'tears of joy'. Those are signs of emotionally unstable women (AKA damaged goods). Women with issues are insecure and exhibits low self-esteem.

Read up on BPD - women with disorder of such will behave in a BLACK & WHITE world. She will paint you as the white knight on a horse in the beginning of the relationship (as she has). But then when that wears off and suddenly you offend her one day, she will paint you BLACK and unleash all hell on you.

This is a part of the disorder, everything is either all white or all black. Just be lucky right now she is painting you white.


BPD women also KNOW exactly how to place the 'HOOK' inside of you - your soul. They know what man want to hear - she's the Black Widow. You are so ego-stroked by her infatuation (or her perfected acting) in you, you are overwhelmed. This is the HOOKING part of her design.


Exodus

 

[JJohn]

It makes sense, but do you think it is possible for me to play along this game and not getting damaged, since I know the "hidden" rules that animates it? Can't I just, with that knowledge, prepare some soft-landing for myself when the "black-painting" phase starts?

 

[SecondHalf]

Given what you've said about yourself, only you can answer.
Likely as long as you two live in separate countries, it might be maintainable (i.e. you'll miss her episodes).

Sadly the next step for you too beyond what's going on now is common law marriage.
You know nothing of this woman's moods beyond what she tells you.

I might take a drastic risk like that if I was getting involved with a very successful woman with a great family and no noticeable issues, but man ... this one?

Don't move in with her. Whatever you do.
Plus, the things she has said about herself with respect to you, tears of joy etc ... I've heard them all ... no really all you listed.

Keep it distant, keep it wrapped.

SH

 

[JJohn]

Actually, she doesn't want a marriage nor kids, me neither.

So you say it would be bad idea to even make a "test-drive" and live together for like month or two, to check things out?

 

[SecondHalf]

Actually, she doesn't want a marriage nor kids, me neither.

So you say it would be bad idea to even make a "test-drive" and live together for like month or two, to check things out?

Yep, that's what I'm saying.
This one is high, high, high risk.
She's a cutter...

You sound like you have a lot going for you.
This risk and mostly scar, you don't need.

My opinion...

SH

 

[goundra]

I'd go with it to the MAX, and see how it turns out. If you bring her here and marry her, you have a 5 year "warranty" on her, cause if you divorce, she has to go back. you are aware of most of the risks, just don't let your self-protective instinct scare you out of what might be the love of your life.she gets 3 months here on a fiance visa, check out our and her embassy sites for info. you'll have to show letters, phone bills, print outs of emails, etc to get a green card for her. so tell her to start saving such things.

 

[yuppaz]

Yep, that's what I'm saying.
This one is high, high, high risk.
She's a cutter...

You sound like you have a lot going for you.
This risk and mostly scar, you don't need.

My opinion...

SH

This is a tough case, mostly because it sounds like you have very severe issues connecting with people. She is definitely damaged goods, but she is also very very attracted to you and is highly attracted to you and that makes her more likely to be "obediant" (for the lack of a better word).

For anyone else, I would say run for the hills, but because of your past and your loner-ness and your inexperience with sex and connection I would say that if you invested very little into things and swore to always wear a condom and remember that at any point you can leave and meet other women and you don't owe her anything, then maybe let her stay with you for a while.

Moreso for you to get the feel for connecting with someone on that level and for Christs sake so you can finally nut, man!

But yes, always remember this one is the psycho - cutter emotional vampire type and you need to know you WILL experience all sorts of crazy with her...but then you seem to be pretty emotionally distant so maybe it won't bother you too much....?????

 

[Warrior74]

Actually, here's the thing:
She considers me being MILES beyond her league in every aspect.

Makes you feel good huh? It's supposed to. Flattery works. Dude, she's a bag of crazy. Move on.

 

[sodbuster]

First... IF she claims 'spousal abuse" she can keep her green card. It's a big Russian scam right now. IF you can prove you never beat her...she has to leave. BUT proving a negative?

Second, YOU KNOW your past and are trying to actively trying to IMPROVE. She just thinks you need to accept her past and what she is. Doesn't seem like she's willing to grow and improve WITH you. Think about it...20 years from now....you are rich and successful beyond your wildest dreams...and your wife is a psycho b1tch cutter

 

[JJohn]

So guys, I've confronted her with my doubts (she likes to be so honest, I thought, then I should be as well). I've read about B-disorders before and it seems she fits most of the description, especially after what happened yesterday.

Basically, she went bat**** crazy, calling me "an error", that I've never deserved her trust and she can't love me now. Then she left me with a "farewell message" that looked like a suicide note ("I did something stupid, forgive me, I loved you more than everything"). Since I am aware of her past issues, I panicked. She wasn't responding to any calls/texts/emails, which I was spewing from myself in the desperate attempt to discard my worst worries.

So I called the police department in her city (being abroad!), it was a mess to explain anything to them, because they could barely speak english. Fortunetely, they finally understood and police with paramedics went to check up on her (I know her address). After whole absolute horror of the night, they called me back and my heart stopped for a moment.

She did nothing. I've barely stopped tears of relief when I heard that, but the officer was very suspicious, I think he thought I played some sort of a prank on them ("She's alright, nothing out of ordinary, what was the problem?"), I didn't care. Around 7am I just fell down on a floor and slept like I have never slept before.

Now I am awake and I am writing this update, because I think it shall be done - maybe we can all learn from it. It was the most frightening episode in my entire life, I am not going to lie. Not once before I've felt such a sheer terror, striking me to the core. I still feel very numb from that experience and I don't know how fast I will recover. I feel used and emotionally abused beyond any level.

I will keep writing updates here though.
Thanks for your replies and help guys!

 

[yuppaz]

Ok strike what I said before, you cannot handle a relationship with a girl lile this. Bad, bad news. Try meeting amd getting to know girls that live in your area and seem healthy amd happy. Delete this chick, block her everything and think about seeing a therapist (notbeing a **** I really think you need it).

 

[SecondHalf]

Didn't expect that you'd hit her with that, but glad you did OP.
You can see what your future life would have been like had you done that insta-marriage thing that you must do when merging lives from different countries.

Bringing this to surface just pushed the first tantrum forward.
This is what I was saying, your distance has protected you thus far.
Delete number, email, skype, block, block, block and move on!!!

Crazy lady.

You should go buy a bottle of expensive Champagne and drink it with a buddy or heck, drink it alone. Just acknowledge the bullet you just dodged.

There is no warranty on these broken toys. You're stuck with the scars they leave.

SH