Thoughts, Swordsmen..

[Orbitron]

So Suave

Hi guys, after some independent advice.

Bit of context, I’m a 48 year old guy (she’s 47) and i had been seeing this girl for six years now. The relationship was generally good, she’s hot as hell, kind, loving, sweet, filthy dirty - everything a man could wish for, wife material for sure. We did have several bust ups over the years which would result in us not communicating at all for a few months at a time but we always made it back together.

The main reasons for our bust ups (from my POV at least) would be her insecurities about me around other women; she thinks every woman that lays eyes on me must want me and she was convinced the only reason I spent so much time in the gym was to pull other women. Simply not true as one woman in my life is more than enough drama as I’m sure many of you can relate.

We had another falling out in February and I recently got back in touch to get my keys back and stuff but the old feelings returned and we ended up having a little exchange and banter over a few texts but she said once I’ve got my stuff back then I’m out of her life for good.

A couple of days past and I thought this can’t be the end of it so I put pen to paper (literally) and wrote her a letter explaining my mindset and motivations that informed my behaviour towards her. I tended to kept her at arms length after having had my simp card revoked after my previous relationship went badly wrong. She frequently referred to me as an arsehole but I always smiled and thanked her for it and pointed out that regardless of what she said, she loved me for it and ended up agreeing with me, much to our mutual amusement. I’m much better expressing myself in the written word than spoken I think. I said that if ever she wanted to see me again then I’d welcome her with open arms but until that day I’d respect her wishes.

A day later I got the following text in which she said among other things she’s been seeing someone else which whilst doesn’t turn my stomach, I am a little disappointed as I always thought we’d end up together.

So what do you all make of it? Given that women are generally incapable of saying what they mean and think and whatever that may be can change upon a whim, it feels like on one hand she’s done but on the other she’s handing out a lifeline.

I haven’t replied and nor do I intend to; as far as I’m concerned I’ve put my cards on the table, thrown the dice etc and will just accept whatever may be.

I’m not completely hung up on this girl but I do love her. I was seeing someone else for a month or so recently until I binned her for being a bit unstable and might have something lined up for next week but I’d value the opinions and advice of other swordsmen out there.

Here’s her text minus irrelevant stuff about her work etc;


Hi Mike

I received your letter, though it took me some time to read due to the handwriting I understand what you’re trying to say, but unfortunately, I believe it is too late

I am carrying a lot of pain and frustration from the relationship with you Mike

You say you never cheated and don’t look at other women, but your ongoing "friendship" with someone who was once a fling is, for me, a form of betrayal. Especially when you knew how I felt about it. She’s always in your life, commenting on your photos and acting comfortably with you, as if she knows she has a place that makes me uncomfortable. It hurts me to see you continually reconnect with her every time we break up.

If she’s truly out of your life, why does she keep appearing in your messages and on your page? It feels like you both are waiting for the right moment, keeping the door open to each other. That’s not something I can accept.

You say you think of me every day, but your actions don’t align with that. Whether it’s reconnecting with your past fling or pursuing other women, it seems like I’m an afterthought, and you only turn back to me when other options don’t work out.

I’m tired of this on-and-off cycle. It’s toxic and unhealthy, and your letter doesn’t change that for me.

It frustrated me how freely she shows up in your comments, as if she were a close relative or girlfriend. I don’t remember ever feeling that comfortable on your page when I was with you. If she’s that bold on your social media, I can only imagine how cozy and familiar your conversations are behind the scenes.

To be clear, I unfollowed you and moved on after seeing her back in your life. That’s the day I said yes to a date with someone else. While I may not love him, and he might not be you, he gives me the care, attention, and love I always wanted from you. He makes me feel safe and valued, things I never felt with you.

I wish you had treated me that way, but you didn’t. I was often left feeling ignored, neglected, and disrespected, especially when I saw how other women used to feel comfortable flirting with you. This is what happens when you randomly compliment women on their smile or outfit, or keep chatting them up. You say it's just being polite, but we women often see it as flirting. When a man in a relationship compliments me, I feel sorry for his partner. You’ve put me in that position many times, You were giving them the time and attention that should have been invested in me, and it felt like you were always more concerned about not hurting them than caring about how I felt.

Your friendship with your past fling, and you knowing how much it hurt me, is what finally broke me. You didn’t prioritize me, and I can’t trust someone who continuously put me in that position.

While you say you’re waiting with open arms, I no longer believe that you can give me the love and respect I deserve.

I still think of you, even when I’m on a date. Sometimes I look at him and wish it were you instead, but I hope that will change with time. My heart may not fully be with him yet, but my mind is telling me to enjoy the attention and care he’s giving me, something I didn’t have with you.

I’m out of your life now, and you should thank that old woman for it. You two can never seem to stay away from each other and always find ways to reconnect. You clearly enjoy it, and I know you’ll never change. That’s why I need to stay out.

I’m not sure if I’ll end up with J… in the long run, but he has big plans for me, and for now, I’m going with it.

I might say no to him this week, I might say no next month, or I might even fall in love with him…I don’t know what will happen, I really don’t… But for now, I’m just going with the flow and seeing where it leads.

I'm sorry if this hurts, but I can’t be with you anymore. After 6 years, we were still at the beginning, and I never truly felt comfortable with you. I can’t handle that stress any longer; it’s taking a toll on my health and nerves.

For us to ever be together again, it would take miracle changes, and I doubt that’s possible. We view relationships differently and want different things.

He’s been trying to ask me out for a few years now—this is the guy from the gym. He treats me like a queen and is already talking about a wedding ring. He’s always positive, and I can tell he’s madly in love with me, at least that’s what he says, and he backs it up with actions—unlike you. He’s asking me to give him a chance to make me feel happy the way I deserve…

Mike, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

What exactly are you offering? You didn’t mention any real changes in your letter. It feels like you’re asking me to return to the same situation I was in when I was with you—and I wasn’t happy at all.

How do you plan to reverse the hurt you caused me? How can you possibly make me trust you again?

I’m tired, and I want to settle down. I want to live with my partner, be together every day, enjoy life, and take holidays together. After 6 years, we were still in the same place, and you’ve shown me that full commitment and love and care is something you can’t give.

Yours truly

Nat

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

My advice: move on.

 

[plumber]

what is the situation with her that you would like to have?

 

[Clockwerk50]

It sounds like she not only felt neglected, but also that you stopped providing what she needed from you. I’m not sure if this was a long-term relationship, but from what I understand, it seems like you were treating her as though she was just an option rather than a priority.

This might be why she decided to pursue and monkey branch to someone else.

 

[Orbitron]

what is the situation with her that you would like to have?

I’d like to live together and be a proper couple, I’m tired of the BS dating game and I really enjoyed being with her most of the time. She could be a colossal pain in the arse at times but so can everyone.

 

[The Duke]

She sounds like a very insecure person. Insecure people never feel totally secure with themselves no matter what you do or don't do.

She is probably still interested in you, and could come around. However, Its an uphill battle with a lot of past carnage that will hinder your success. After 6yrs.........its time to shut this down for good.

Here is the main take-a-way from her reply and why it will never work...
I’m tired, and I want to settle down. I want to live with my partner, be together every day, enjoy life, and take holidays together. After 6 years, we were still in the same place, and you’ve shown me that full commitment and love and care is something you can’t give.

You didn't give her enough of what she needed to keep some of her insecurities at bay. You could give her everything and it still wouldn't be enough. Sounds like her current guy is! A common problem with women is they FEEL the releationship must be constantly progressing. So lets say it does.......once they have every god damm thing they want.........then what? Dating...living together...engagement...marriage...house....babies....trips....whats the next step of progression.....Its DIVORCE! ;-)

I don't know anyone that was ever able to break up and get back together once or multiple tries and make it work.

It seems like she has some valid complaints, although she is also insecure.

Didn't spend holidays together.....didn't live together but dated for 6yrs? IF thats the case, I believe her complaints are justified. Maybe I'm missing something.

 

[plumber]

I’d like to live together and be a proper couple, I’m tired of the BS dating game and I really enjoyed being with her most of the time. She could be a colossal pain in the arse at times but so can everyone.

I am divided on this. I like Amsterdam and Duke ideas.

At almost 50 years old you have more options than you did at 30. So your not forced to take anything you don't want.

If she is very feminine, you can try again. Her emotions come through strong in the letter. Two weeks away from when she writes that her emotions will be different. Tell her almost exactly what you told me.

think about what you would and are willing to do different. tell her and then do it.

It sounds like you did the right thing before and had options in view. What you missed was making it clear that she is your choice. It has to be clear to her and others. Maybe you only decide she is the one when she walks away.

do you really want her, or just want someone. go visit to her gym and do some blue pill stuff. you will know if she really wants you. be ready for possible conflict.

best to walk away, but only you know how much you want this.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Orbitron,
Yes you have had good advice from the posters here but I still caution taking any extreme action.....Six years is a very long time and suggests you are both compatible at many levels,at your ages no easy achievement....She will be back you may be sure, on no account offer to move in with her,your temperaments seem to provoke conflict,I suggest"together living apart"as your best option...I would express your being open to discussion,if you really want her back,perhaps offer three days at her place four at yours,that will settle your minds,without too much damage to your lives.....But even then,should things go "Pear shape"don't ever kick such a Lady to the kerb,often relationships like yours,have a habit of "re-sizing"themselves,to regular casual meetings.

 

[Orbitron]

I am divided on this. I like Amsterdam and Duke ideas.

At almost 50 years old you have more options than you did at 30. So your not forced to take anything you don't want.

If she is very feminine, you can try again. Her emotions come through strong in the letter. Two weeks away from when she writes that her emotions will be different. Tell her almost exactly what you told me.

think about what you would and are willing to do different. tell her and then do it.

It sounds like you did the right thing before and had options in view. What you missed was making it clear that she is your choice. It has to be clear to her and others. Maybe you only decide she is the one when she walks away.

do you really want her, or just want someone. go visit to her gym and do some blue pill stuff. you will know if she really wants you. be ready for possible conflict.

best to walk away, but only you know how much you want this.

What do you mean by fo do some blue pill stuff?

 

[Orbitron]

Thanks guys for the responses.

I texted her yesterday asking “What exactly would it take? What would you ask of me? Cards on the table…”

I’ve yet to get a response over 24 hours later.

I’m thinking I’ll leave her be for another couple of days and tell her exactly what I can offer her; one final roll of the dice as it were.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I’m thinking I’ll leave her be for another couple of days and tell her exactly what I can offer her; one final roll of the dice as it were.

You should read The Art of War and re-think your strategy.

 

[Orbitron]

You should read The Art of War and re-think your strategy.

I have it at home here, what part in particular?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I have it at home here, what part in particular?

You'll have to re-read it in its entirety, then check out The Unfettered Mind by Takuan Soho, and then see how both can be applied to strategy games like Go. Once you mastered Go, apply your strategic mind to restructure your dating strategies.

 

[Orbitron]

You'll have to re-read it in its entirety, then check out The Unfettered Mind by Takuan Soho, and then see how both can be applied to strategy games like Go. Once you mastered Go, apply your strategic mind to restructure your dating strategies.

Ok, thanks for the tip

 

[plumber]

What do you mean by fo do some blue pill stuff?

flowers..., sing..., chocolate, dress nicer than you normally do. the point is to shock her about your big try to get her back. its sort of cool looking when a solid guy does this. knight in shinning armor stuff.... This stuff usually works, but sets up a poor long term dynamic.

usually this is horrible advice. but like I said, only you know how much you want this.

You still don't take disrespect from her now or in the future. But do let her know that you are capable of being a prince if you really need/want to.

the written letter and txt is ok, but it is sort of hiding, much better to be in person where she can see the authentic in you (assuming its authentic). she has to believe your all in, and its different now....
--

Much easier to just move on and find new blood.

 

[The Duke]

Thanks guys for the responses.

I texted her yesterday asking “What exactly would it take? What would you ask of me? Cards on the table…”

I’ve yet to get a response over 24 hours later.

I’m thinking I’ll leave her be for another couple of days and tell her exactly what I can offer her; one final roll of the dice as it were.

I think she put most of her cards on the table already. She is expecting you to lead now if anything goes back together. Its going to take some proposal on your part, and it probably involves living together.

 

[Clockwerk50]

flowers..., sing..., chocolate, dress nicer than you normally do. the point is to shock her about your big try to get her back. its sort of cool looking when a solid guy does this. knight in shinning armor stuff.... This stuff usually works, but sets up a poor long term dynamic.

usually this is horrible advice. but like I said, only you know how much you want this.

You still don't take disrespect from her now or in the future. But do let her know that you are capable of being a prince if you really need/want to.

the written letter and txt is ok, but it is sort of hiding, much better to be in person where she can see the authentic in you (assuming its authentic). she has to believe your all in, and its different now....
--

Much easier to just move on and find new blood.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe Mr. Amsterdam's point is that in warfare, having space is crucial for troop alignment and maneuverability. The more space available, the more complex hus strategy can become. Since the books have so much information it is hard to pinpoint what the advice is.

Your strategy it is to overwhelming the enemy, leaving them no time to think or react. However, I think this might backfire especially with the blue pill techniques; the more he pursues her, the more likely she is to pull away.

Personally, if OP wants to re-attract her, he should hope that she doesn’t know him too well and that she has some fond memories of their time together. It’s also important that she feels dissatisfied with her current situation or partner. He might want to give it some time, as this could help him regain his confidence and lessen his flaws. With a bit of patience and some effort, I believe he could win her back, but for now, he should give her space and consider talking to other women in the meantime.

 

[plumber]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe Mr. Amsterdam's point is that in warfare, having space is crucial for troop alignment and maneuverability. The more space available, the more complex hus strategy can become. Since the books have so much information it is hard to pinpoint what the advice is.

Your strategy it is to overwhelming the enemy, leaving them no time to think or react. However, I think this might backfire especially with the blue pill techniques; the more he pursues her, the more likely she is to pull away.

Personally, if OP wants to re-attract her, he should hope that she doesn’t know him too well and that she has some fond memories of their time together. It’s also important that she feels dissatisfied with her current situation or partner. He might want to give it some time, as this could help him regain his confidence and lessen his flaws. With a bit of patience and some effort, I believe he could win her back, but for now, he should give her space and consider talking to other women in the meantime.

I can see what you mean.

For sure moving on is the goto move for this and what we always tell each other and others. And its not wrong to do that.

She might come back later. If she does the dynamic will likely be the same and later it doesn't work again.

She is ready to lockup. If the op is all in, then go all in. If not then the default to move on is good. From the move on, she might come back around again or maybe not.

Op wants to settle down.... The girl wrote that she wants him, but doesn't believe him.

If she pulls away with the blue pill stuff, then let her go. It means she is not really ready to settle down and her version of the truth is not true.

She wants to feel safe and less competition anxiety. Late 40's she knows the world is changing for her.

He already attracted her, now she wants to trust him. Be the man everyone wants, while making it is clear that he only wants her, if that is true.

Too much game can make life less fun.

 

[Orbitron]

You'll have to re-read it in its entirety, then check out The Unfettered Mind by Takuan Soho, and then see how both can be applied to strategy games like Go. Once you mastered Go, apply your strategic mind to restructure your dating strategies.

Just started AofW again and ordered the other one.

Do you think I’m best off laying it wait as it were and waiting for this other guy to **** up?

He seems a bit of a simp and going way too fast given they’ve only been seeing each other a few months at most.

 

[Orbitron]

I think she put most of her cards on the table already. She is expecting you to lead now if anything goes back together. Its going to take some proposal on your part, and it probably involves living together.

I’m up for that for sure.
Would you advise proposing that to her if and when she gets back to me?