This is what makes me feel incredibly hopeless in dating

[Dash Riprock]

In boxing in the US, state athletic commissions deny boxers licenses to fight if they feel they're a danger to themselves and might get badly hurt in the ring. The state commissions do it for the boxer's own good.

I think the mods should consider giving Dave a "timeout" like a child. Months back, I gave the guy advice about signing up with a matchmaking service (among other ideas) on a number of occasions and even went into detail a few times about how it works and benefits because I've done it. No Reply or feedback. Waste of my time. Then, a few months later, he posts a question on SS about whether he should enlist with a matchmaking service. WTF?

OP is not technically breaking any rules here. I get that. But at some point, mods, you need to consider whether a SS member has crossed the line on sucking all the oxygen out of a forum by posting the same generally-themed message over and over and over again and then doing literally nothing with the plethora of advice he receives. Basically he's wasting everyone's time. Especially the newbies who think they're doing him a favor by replying and offering actionable ideas--none of which OP will never consider and OP even becoming combating about--like an attorney putting together a case against himself. I've stopped giving him advice as he won't take it and it's a waste of my time.

Everyone has a bad day and is allowed to "rant" every now and then, but this has gone to another level. I'm speaking as a 14-year member.

MODS: I think you should consider a "time-out" for this guy until he actually reports back with some actionable steps he has taken and garnered results from, negative or positive. Or, maybe SS is also a mental health/support board. Then, I'm mistaken. My concern is these continued and repetitive (operative words) largely negative and whinny posts will simply open the door for others to follow in suit so that SS will devolve into nothing more than a weak-male laced crying room about how mean girls are.

Best,

~Dash

 

[corrector]

BigDave's threads feels like some comedy movie. "Just when you think things couldn't get worst: here's another BigDave thread!" He's like the guy that everyone is always making fun of, but eventually finds his girl and then gets a twist ending that shocks everyone. Yipes! You just found out later she was an ex-porn start or ex-escort accidentally and now you have to break it off.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Im tired of bigdave17 complaining over and over and not taking care of the basics.

 

[sazc]

I'm starting to think your friends and family, the ones who tell you you are fine and any girl would be lucky to snag you, are lying to you to protect your feelings.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I'm starting to think your friends and family, the ones who tell you you are fine and any girl would be lucky to snag you, are lying to you to protect your feelings.

He might not be "fine" ut he has enough to date. Hes stuck on stupid.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

In all seriousness, I'm old school soviet union values.

In all seriousness, you are living a fantasy inside your head that doesn't match reality.

You say useless things like you are "loyal" but you ONLY mean you are loyal to people who are EASY to be loyal to. You laughed off my comment, but you were NOT LOYAL to the ladies who were below your standards.

Human loyalty is NOT a fixed trait. It is highly related to ATTRACTION.

And unless you can CREATE attraction in women based on your PERSONALTY, not your imaginary chad looks, NO WOMAN WILL EVER WANT TO BE LOYAL TO YOU.

Just like YOU don't want to be loyal to women you think are BENEATH YOU.

You have a very creepy, very needy very desperate personality.

AND you can't manage to spend more than 24 hours without jacking it a half dozen times.

No women of ANY VALUE will want ANYTHING to do with a weirdo like you.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with looks.

NOTHING.

Until you STOP being such a needy, desperate PERVERT who ONLY cares about looks, no woman with half a brain will want anything to do with you.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

In all seriousness, you are living a fantasy inside your head that doesn't match reality.

You say useless things like you are "loyal" but you ONLY mean you are loyal to people who are EASY to be loyal to. You laughed off my comment, but you were NOT LOYAL to the ladies who were below your standards.

Human loyalty is NOT a fixed trait. It is highly related to ATTRACTION.

And unless you can CREATE attraction in women based on your PERSONALTY, not your imaginary chad looks, NO WOMAN WILL EVER WANT TO BE LOYAL TO YOU.

Just like YOU don't want to be loyal to women you think are BENEATH YOU.

You have a very creepy, very needy very desperate personality.

AND you can't manage to spend more than 24 hours without jacking it a half dozen times.

No women of ANY VALUE will want ANYTHING to do with a weirdo like you.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with looks.

NOTHING.

Until you STOP being such a needy, desperate PERVERT who ONLY cares about looks, no woman with half a brain will want anything to do with you.

Loyal has nothing to do with looks. Its about their character.

 

[17 shots]

Dave has already voluntarily left the boards for a spell, and he did in fact come back with a promising report on progress made when he posted a thread upon his return about approaching a woman without an agenda; i.e., outcome independence. It seemed Dave might have made a breakthrough, only to deteriorate and devolve right back into his old ways again.

As a Mod, I can delete spam, issue warnings... I can even put lollipops and teddy bears into vulgar, whiney posts.... but I cannot force a man to make progress. And I do not think that anyone here really wants us Mods to get into the business of banishing people who struggle hard with that. We would probably only have 15 members if we did.

Besides, the problem of Dave can easily be solved with the ignore button.

I will admit, however, I do share concerns of SS devolving into nothing more than a weak-male laced crying room about how mean girls are. We have enough of that here already, and my tolerance for it is certainly wearing thin these days....

I think you're one of the main people who should be ignoring him. You say you're concerned about his behavior becoming the norm of the site, so then why are you still trying to help him? You're a high profile member on this site. When people see you're still going along with this stuff, it gives his threads legiticamy in my opinion

All he is doing is slowly testing the waters to see if he can start making all the same threads he did before. At first you guys were closing his threads that repeated the same narrative, but now you've stopped

Dave talking about not being outcome dependent is not a breakthrough. He said all that stuff way back too. All this stuff is the same

 

[allancc3]

Dave's Guide to Internet Attention Horing 101:

Step 1: cry like a girl showing your soft underbelly. Garner infinite sympathy

Step 2: bros turn into angry mob. Demand ban hammer for crying wolf one too many times

Step 3: fake rehabilitation. Claim you've made a monumental breakthrough and have become a new man

Step 4: angry mob turns into fawning mass, congratulating you over and over again.

Step 5: repeat Step 1.....

 

[RickTheToad]

I did reach a point where I cut Dave off on giving advice.... until I became a Mod. I can’t really put people on ignore as one. Besides, I’m not really giving him advice anyway. I’m just calling him out on his BS at this point.

He doesn’t need more advice. He knows exactly what to do. He just doesn’t want to do it.

Perhaps. He could either be just very depressed or just likes the atta boys and attention he receives from creating the same post every week. The only person who can help Dave, is Dave himself. We should all step back a bit from his threads and let the chips fall where they may. That's the only way he'll learn... Through tough love and self-discipline/direction. I'm sure we've all been there in one point of our lives or another.

 

[characternote]

Holy sh1t.

Tbh, i'm not sure how unusual that even is! I've got a number of friends who i'm pretty sure haven't got laid in a similar amount of time. They are all the guys who aren't that good looking (making cold approach almost impossible) and they also work in male dominated envionments and so don't tend to meet girls in their day to day life who they can build a connection with over time (warehouse workers, accountants, printers etc)

Before i started mass approaching, I could easily have gone 3 years without getting laid. I get laid a little bit now, but that's only because of the power of numbers game. If I approach 250 semi-hot girls, I know one of them will be into me/think i'm decent looking, and with her, i'll likely get laid. The other 249 are like instant rejections or talking to brickwalls who are clearly not interested lol

 

[bigdave17]

The irony for me is the women in the north suburbs of Chicago where Bigdave resides look better on average. They look healthier and have usually not been trained to be a *** rag by gang members. Some of the prettiest girls I've seen were from the north suburbs.

I live in Naperville, beautiful suburb. It's rated one of the best cities in the country actually


but it is pretty boring if you're a bachelor. For the most part, the only young people living here live with their family. Very few can afford to live by themselves - those who do generally opt to live in city

 

[bigdave17]

In all seriousness, you are living a fantasy inside your head that doesn't match reality.

You say useless things like you are "loyal" but you ONLY mean you are loyal to people who are EASY to be loyal to. You laughed off my comment, but you were NOT LOYAL to the ladies who were below your standards.

I'm very loyal to people who are good to me. My family who loves me dearly, my friends who love me and my co workers who treat me well - I'll go through the gates of hell for them

When it comes to women and dating - I need to be attracted to them to be loyal to them. I thought this was common sense

And unless you can CREATE attraction in women based on your PERSONALTY, not your imaginary chad looks, NO WOMAN WILL EVER WANT TO BE LOYAL TO YOU.

I agree 100%

I'm actually very confident that any woman who really gets to know who I am and what I'm about as a person (in addition to my superficial strengths) will fall in love with me

Again, my issue is I don't get any natural dating opportunities with anybody worthwhile. I missed out on that window of easy opportunities in my younger days and now I have to rely on things like cold approaching and online dating, all of which have a ridiculous difficulty curve if you want a dateable woman (dateable = 20 to 30, cute face, hot body, no kids, quality personality, somewhat intelligent and classy).

I had this blonde customer I sold a car to on Monday, I could totally tell she was hardcore into me...but again it's typical nonsense. 34 years old, somewhat trashy, nowhere near dating material (although the face was decent and body was pretty hot - obviously way too old)

 

[Atom Smasher]

Again, my issue is I don't get any natural dating opportunities with anybody worthwhile. I missed out on that window of easy opportunities in my younger days and now I have to rely on things like cold approaching and online dating, all of which have a ridiculous difficulty curve if you want a dateable woman (dateable = 20 to 30, cute face, hot body, no kids, quality personality, somewhat intelligent and classy).

You and everybody else, Dave. What makes you different from any of the other guys here?

What is anybody here on Sosuave going to say that is magically going to fix your problem? Your threads all funnel down to the same thing, which I've quoted above.

Your problems aren't any different from anyone else's here. You need to get off this fixation you have, work on building your character, and let it happen naturally.

The decent ones are taken, right? That's how nature works. You need to erase that very particular female template out of your mind. Your template seems very superficial to me, and that perfect woman is going to be impossible to find, as she exists only in your imagination.

 

[bigdave17]

You and everybody else, Dave. What makes you different from any of the other guys here?

What is anybody here on Sosuave going to say that is magically going to fix your problem? Your threads all funnel down to the same thing, which I've quoted above.

Your problems aren't any different from anyone else's here. You need to get off this fixation you have, work on building your character, and let it happen naturally.

The decent ones are taken, right? That's how nature works. You need to erase that very particular female template out of your mind. Your template seems very superficial to me, and that perfect woman is going to be impossible to find, as she exists only in your imagination.

What perfect woman? My idea of a dateable woman is common sense

Its sad how far women are graded on a curved scale that a 6/10 who works out takes care of herself, has no kids, has good family values, has a decent job and understands how to manage finances, is classy and somewhat intelligent is considered a diamond in the rough

All that **** is common sense that everybody should have yet women who fit that nowadays are rare

 

[LiveYourDream]

@bigdave17–I suspect you repeatedly start threads here and then respond by arguing for your limitations, primarily so you can keep justifing your situation, to yourself. I don't thick it is a conscious intent. I think it's a subconscious driven almost compulsion. I don’t expect that you—@bigdave17 primarily see or experience yourself that way, or at least not yet. Be aware that many here can actually see it quite clearly, in you. Rather than get reactive or defensive right away, try to hear me out, as doing so is to your own benefit.

I suspect your perpetual arguing for, as well as justifying, your limitations is actually driven by a deep unconscious drive in you, to avoid facing an intense fear, of being truly rejected. Most everyone faces it in varying degrees.

Behind your looks, money, and ability to charm people, I suspect is a deep and intense fear, of actually exposing yourself and allowing yourself to be seen, for who you really are, beyond the image you present. I think you intensely fear that once you are TRULY seen, with all of your insecurities,'warts' and imperfections, that you might ultimately end up rejected.

I think you unconsciously default to what is easier for you to tolerate and is less painful. Right now, for you, it appears it is easier to tolerate going without a deeply connected vulnerable and intimate female relationship, than it is for you to face the possibility of true rejection.

To support that, you perpetually come up with all kinds of reasons, that distance the possibility, from actually ever occurring for you. Then you come here to post only to argue and justify your position, rather than truly consider or doing what is suggested or needed. Ultimately, doing so would require you to face your fears. Unconsciously, you'll feel driven to come up with all kinds of ways not to. I think your 3000+ posts show it clearly.

The question is, are you willing and able to see it and admit it???
If so, then are you willing and courageous enough to take the needed action to move through it???
Are you willing and DO YOU ACTUALLY change your posts to show constructive action demonstrating that change and transformation???


I hope you take the above and run with it, in a positive way for yourself.
If you reply because you think I am wrong...BEFORE addressing anything said above, FIRST, please respond by providing more info about you. Please share exactly how many STR/LTR's you have ACTUALLY had in your life? For each share: Where and How you met? Exactly how long it lasted? How old were you? How old was she? Who broke up the relationship and why?

 

[bigdave17]

@bigdave17–I suspect you repeatedly start threads here and then respond by arguing for your limitations, primarily so you can keep justifing your situation, to yourself. I don't thick it is a conscious intent. I think it's a subconscious driven almost compulsion. I don’t expect that you—@bigdave17 primarily see or experience yourself that way, or at least not yet. Be aware that many here can actually see it quite clearly, in you. Rather than get reactive or defensive right away, try to hear me out, as doing so is to your own benefit.

I suspect your perpetual arguing for, as well as justifying, your limitations is actually driven by a deep unconscious drive in you, to avoid facing an intense fear, of being truly rejected. Most everyone faces it in varying degrees.

Behind your looks, money, and ability to charm people, I suspect is a deep and intense fear, of actually exposing yourself and allowing yourself to be seen, for who you really are, beyond the image you present. I think you intensely fear that once you are TRULY seen, with all of your insecurities,'warts' and imperfections, that you might ultimately end up rejected.

I think you unconsciously default to what is easier for you to tolerate and is less painful. Right now, for you, it appears it is easier to tolerate going without a deeply connected vulnerable and intimate female relationship, than it is for you to face the possibility of true rejection.

To support that, you perpetually come up with all kinds of reasons, that distance the possibility, from actually ever occurring for you. Then you come here to post only to argue and justify your position, rather than truly consider or doing what is suggested or needed. Ultimately, doing so would require you to face your fears. Unconsciously, you'll feel driven to come up with all kinds of ways not to. I think your 3000+ posts show it clearly.

The question is, are you willing and able to see it and admit it???
If so, then are you willing and courageous enough to take the needed action to move through it???
Are you willing and DO YOU ACTUALLY change your posts to show constructive action demonstrating that change and transformation???


I hope you take the above and run with it, in a positive way for yourself.
If you reply because you think I am wrong...BEFORE addressing anything said above, FIRST, please respond by providing more info about you. Please share exactly how many STR/LTR's you have ACTUALLY had in your life? For each share: Where and How you met? Exactly how long it lasted? How old were you? How old was she? Who broke up the relationship and why?

this is a very interesting post

I do have a very very intense fear of rejection and of being judged. My childhood trauma in relation to dating made me develop such intense anxiety with women and dating to where I felt like the dating process is totally impossible.

the bizarre aspect of this is that there are 3 things I do that are all very similar in process

1)Selling cars
2)Making friends
3)Getting girls

Obviously the first one, I've completely mastered - I feel no fear and feel 100% unbreakable/impeccable confidence. The second one - making friends - I do very well at but I still feel some anxiety. Now I've had a lot of friends in my lifetime but the process to make myself talk to a new person and get them to like me on a friends level induces some minor anxiety in me at the beginning process. Once I get over that and get some momentum going, I am very very good. What causes anxiety is I wonder if I'm good enough for these people to want to be my friend. Now, while I'm very effective in person with making friends in person, the process to keep following up with people to get them to hang out with you/to invite you involves some strong follow up. I tend to get discouraged very very quickly - I tend to internalize any nos as I'm doing something wrong. I am just way too sensitive in general

the third one here is the biggest problem for me. Trying to talk to strange women I don't know induces very intense anxiety in me. I feel that they will laugh at me, that I need to come up with the perfect opening line or else I will be instantly rejected. I think what's causing this for me is me severely exaggerating the difficulty level of dating and the standards of women. I've convinced myself so hard that women are incredibly unreasonable and that dating is the most difficult thing in the world. When I was younger, I convinced myself I would never have a girlfriend. I can't escape this mindset of feeling like it will never happen

the fact that I don't meet women via natural means and have to rely on things like cold approach severely exasperates this problem to hell because I know it's a very low success rate proposition. Knowing that I might have to cold approach 30 women to get a girlfriend is incredibly daunting for me. Hearing no 30 times is very daunting


and no, I have never had any real meaningful relationships. I slept with this MILF for 9 months but she wasn't dating material, that was just sex experience


what's really bizarre for me - as much as it seems like I brag about my accomplishments - I really don't appreciate myself in regards to women and dating. I still don't feel that all of that which I have to offer is good enough. I drive myself crazy trying to make myself totally perfect. I feel that I need to look and be totally perfect to be good enough for a woman. I can't escape this rat wheel of constantly running and seeking perfection and never getting there. I procrastinate like hell cause I obsess over self improvement in hopes that 1 day I will get easy dating opportunities with the women I feel I should be with

 

[sazc]

Go to a therapist!!!!

 

[LiveYourDream]

and no, I have never had any real meaningful relationships. I slept with this MILF for 9 months but she wasn't dating material, that was just sex experience

A fair number of men, including some here, sometimes simply find it easier to trade $ for sex, than deal with all else involved. Some do it intermittently. Some on schedule. Some have rotations or just favorites. Was the arrangement with this MILF one of those?

 

[bigdave17]

A fair number of men, including some here, sometimes simply find it easier to trade $ for sex, than deal with all else involved. Some do it intermittently. Some on schedule. Some have rotations or just favorites. Was the arrangement with this MILF one of those?

call it very casual dating. We went on dates and always had sex afterwards. I paid for the dates but I didn't give her any money.

it was good experience for me, she was very complimentary of me when it was done. This helped heal some of my scars somewhat but the scars run so deep, that it was not quite enough

my early years absolutely destroyed my mind for dating. I developed such a terrible fukking attitude towards women

I need to wipe all the nonsense out of my mind and just start from scratch. I had so much negative poisonous thinking in my head and I need to realize it's all nonsense and start from zero