This is how I keep my LTR healthy.

[pipe007]

my bad, I don't do that every time at all. most of the time I don't ask her anything I just tell her to enjoy whatever she is doing.

every now and then, like if she is going to a friend's house at night or something I might ask "what are they gonna do" or things that show curiosity to know what she is up to and with who, but not in an insecure/possessive manner.

and it depends, with her I'm able to pull this off because she asks the same of me when I go out, she wants to know what I'm doing.. sometimes with who.

49au:
I'll answer your question. YES I am aware that women's emotions change according to how they feel at the moment, and if in the long run they feel that they are not sexually attracted or "in love" with you, then they will start to want to look around to what else is out there. I deffinitely know that

However, I take responsibility and I have learned that as long as you put your effort, and work on keeping yourself in check and being an attractive male throughout your life, you will decrease significantly your chances that your girl will lose attraction for you.

I've learned that MOST women can have strong feelings for only one male at the time, so if she is currently very attracted to you, then it is your responsibility as a man to make sure you dont slack, that you work on your own insecurities, neediness, and keep yourself in check.

also, I am aware, that today my relationship seems perfect, and I'm aware that tomorrow this might change. the secret lies again, in knowing how to detect subtle changes in your girl's behavior towards you, and act on it in a manner that is most likely to keep her attraction. this goes in a continuum from understanding that if a girl give a simple test, like being a selfish, and not listening to what you have to say, that you put your foot down and say exactly what you want, all the way to her losing interest in you, and you backing away and giving her massive space until she re-initiates contact FIRST!.

if my girl started right now to give me one line answers to my texts or take a long time to answer, you can bet I would not text her again, until she texts me for a good 2 or three times, and I would make sure a lot of time goes by without her hearing from me so that she can miss me, if she continues to be withdrawn, i will NOT initiate contact at all, I might even delete her number, and if she never again initiates contact with me after I showed I wanna talk to her, then I just dont contact ever again, until she does, and if that means that we dont talk ever again. so be it!

so just be on guard, and always have the upper hand on these little subtle ways. never show more interest than what she gives you,

 

[Jules Verne]

Respect, pipe.

I have a question about number 2. Setting boundaries and expectations.

You have experience with long term, so I'm hoping you can elaborate on this.

How is this done? Do you have a sit down talk with the girl after you go exclusive? And what exactly did you say?

Or is this more of a spontaneous act that pops up on different occasions?

 

[pipe007]

when you are setting your boundaries from the beginning you accomplish several things

- you are demonstrating higher value, by showing exactly what you like and don't like in your relationship.

- you are creating a frame of how you want your relationship to work, and if she ever steps out of line, you can always refer back to these standards which you already set up at the beginning

so she can never say "oh I didn't know this bothered you" or "im sorry I didnt know what you like or not"

this way you also test her to see if she is willing to accept your CORE rules about how you want the relationship to grow. if she does, then great.

the way I established this was talking to her in a very calmed and confident manner what I expected from her in this relationship, and what i wasn't going to put up with. then as situations come up, I can always bring them up and reinforce the rules that were already established at the beginning to which she agreed on.

this standards must be your core values which you are never willing to compromise or change no matter what, its what you believe you deserve and you are willing to lose the girl if this boundaries are broken, you must come up with what yours are and be able to communicate it.

I set up this frame by telling her that I base my relationships on trust, honesty and respect, and how that is the most important thing in my relationship. I showed her by examples on how if she ever lied to me, or disrespected me in an uncalled way, that the relationship was over.

i gave her examples of times of past relationships where I had broken up with past gfs because they lied to me or tried to disrespect me, this alone sent a HUGE message to her, she got it! she was like "omg , so now I know that if I ever lie to you, i wont ever see you again." i said " that is right"

its good to mention situations in past relationships where you had to take action because boundaries were broken, I also told her of another ex gf who starting hanging out with a guy friend too much, so I had to let her go because it was clear lack or respect towards me.

trust me she got this and she understood, and most of all, she was fascinated by my self confidence and my ability to say what i like and dont like, she respected me more.

as the weeks went by, then I brought up the clubbing issue, because I thought i wanted her to know how i felt about this issue, not out of insecurity but just because i decided that my girlfriend wont be the type that goes clubbing without her bf. PERIOD!

i initiated this topic by putting another example, well the opportunity came up cuz she asked me if I had any questions for her, so i said yea i do, "remember last friday when my buddies invited me to go clubbing with them? how would you have felt if I would have gone clubbing with them that friday without you?" (that night I decided not to go in order to use this as topic)
so she said " I would have been pissed if you went without me."

great! so i said ok so here is my question, "how do you think I would feel if you went clubbing without me?" so she understood that I would be uncomfortable and i wouldnt like it. so we made this mutual agreement that none of us would go clubbing without the uther UNLESS it was a friends birthday, and one of us couldnt go due to exams, midterms, or whatnot. then Im not gonna tell her not to go because that would be selfish.

she accpeted it and she would never want me to go clubbing without her, which i can respect as well.

so if you wanna be the rock that a woman wants, you have to build those foundations from the beginning.

that way, they are always warned, and if they mess up, its not like they didnt know any better.

of course , then I told her, that if those things are there, respect, honesty, trust, then she is pretty much free to be her own ,person, do what she wants, and that i would never try to control her life in any way, if she shows respect for me, then ill trust her enough to do what she needs to do in her own life. and ill be more than happy to trust her.

i told her I dont mind her having friends, and making new ones, i dont mind her hanging out with friends, as long as she is respectful to me, and honest
hope this helps, because IT WORKED FOR ME!

 

[Sue Madre]

If she is a good woman you don't have to lay down all those boundaries and BS like that. She will know to respect you from the get go, and automatically won't violate those things without you having to lay down dumb rules.

If she wants to diss you, she will still do it, she just won't get caught.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Pipe man, this is good stuff and I agree with it. I think Sue Madre you are correct too, good people won't violate your trust -- and this is a two way bridge -- if we are good men we are holding ourselves to the same expectations.

 

[Sue Madre]

Pipe man, this is good stuff and I agree with it. I think Sue Madre you are correct too, good people won't violate your trust -- and this is a two way bridge -- if we are good men we are holding ourselves to the same expectations.

I never laid down any rules with my woman and she never does wrong. It's probably because she is foreign and they know how to act properly. With the American sluts, ofcourse you have do lay down all sorts of rules. That's why I refuse to date them.

 

[sinnerman]

pipe this is a great thread first of all.
I pretty much agree with the core values you expect from your partner and laying them out from the getgo. I was wondering what rules if any did you make regarding contact with ex-flames for both of you. I recently had ended things with my ltr when she allowed her ex to become friends on fb well knowing that I wouldnt be ok with it. I told her that she didn't live up to the standard I expect from someone who I give my love and care to and so things are not salvageable anymore.

 

[pipe007]

this is tricky, I mean I am still friends with some ex gfs, some not.
the point is I dont try to contact them, and I certainly dont go out with them out of respect for my current girl, and because I dont have a need, I currently am happy with my relationship.

so I think my girl can have an ex on facebook and contact them like on birthdays, or special hollydays, but If I ever see that its an ongoing contact where it's obvious they are friends which may lead to them hanging out, I would not tolerate that, and i would let her know that!.

if she has any respect for you and values her relatinoship with you, she will listen and understand your point of view, and she will do what she needs to in order to keep you around. if she doesnt listen, and keeps contacting ex. then you can break up with her and dont look back.

its out of respect that exes should be kept as distant freinds from the past, its out of respect that you dont contact them to rekindle a friendship with them. I would not be ok with it personally.

if they end up having a class together or something i or her cant control, that's ok!!, its life!!!, things happen, but if she is willingly trying to initiate contact and responding to him continuously, then action should be taken!

 

[5string]

$10 K is a "ton" of cash to you? Umm ok.

10K is nothing more than beer money.

 

[sinnerman]

this is tricky, I mean I am still friends with some ex gfs, some not.
the point is I dont try to contact them, and I certainly dont go out with them out of respect for my current girl, and because I dont have a need, I currently am happy with my relationship.

so I think my girl can have an ex on facebook and contact them like on birthdays, or special hollydays, but If I ever see that its an ongoing contact where it's obvious they are friends which may lead to them hanging out, I would not tolerate that, and i would let her know that!.

if she has any respect for you and values her relatinoship with you, she will listen and understand your point of view, and she will do what she needs to in order to keep you around. if she doesnt listen, and keeps contacting ex. then you can break up with her and dont look back.

its out of respect that exes should be kept as distant freinds from the past, its out of respect that you dont contact them to rekindle a friendship with them. I would not be ok with it personally.

if they end up having a class together or something i or her cant control, that's ok!!, its life!!!, things happen, but if she is willingly trying to initiate contact and responding to him continuously, then action should be taken!

Actually the thing is we were going on & off. I was on no contact and she broke it off and had called up. Earlier I had removed her from my friend list when she did something. Now the day I found this was the day when she sent me a request saying she wanted me to see some new pics of her from few years back when we didn't know each other. It was then I found out about the ex.

A lil background I think is necessary here. She broke up with her ex who was a total afc and insulted her and so on(so she claims). When we began dating a year after they broke up she used to tell me that she'd never re-establish contact with him and that he is as good as dead for all the **** he made her go through. And I was happy about it coz I dont think its respectful to our relation when someone who she has slept with is allowed to view what goes on and off with her life. I am friends with 2 of my exes both from high school but I don't think any of them can be said as real relationships. Plus, I didn't proceed beyond a certain point with any of the two with regards to intimacy. Even then I told her if she is uncomfortable then I'd cut contact. But she seemed cool about as long as I wasn't in touch on every day basis. This was about 1 year back.

Fast forward to last 48 hours when this happened I was outraged to see her ex especially coz we were talking after some 20 days and she was being all lovey dovey with me as if nothing had changed. She dint feel it necessary to let me know that her ex contacted her. And when I confronted her as to why did she break her own word her response was ''I no longer hate him I'm just indifferent and he sent a request so I accepted. I havent talked with him or anything.''

She saw I was visibly upset and angry beyond anything and all she did was make me the bad guy by saying she didn't expect my reaction will be so bad, she knew I'd react but not like this. She kept on saying I need to calm down she's sorry if I hurt there's nothing going on bla bla bla. I basically told her that it was a **** move and told her to unfriend him since she's indifferent towards him. She said she wont do as I say and that I'm being a kid its nothing and it doesn't matter.

So I told her to go her seperate way since she cant do even a small gesture for the sake of our bond. Especially since he was someone she wanted to forget about her past with while I had treated her with nothing but respect tolerance and forgiven many of her faults. And I also told her that in the last 20 days when we weren't talking I went for 2 movies with one of the exes from high school. So she mocked me saying that since Ive exams coming how come I was out. So I told her that I enjoy her company and that she's much hotter and emotionally stable than you're and disconnected.

 

[pipe007]

yea sounds like her IL was low, since you did break up, and she never come around asking you to work on the relationship

so it seems she really doesnt care if you break up with her at this point? go no contact, and wait for her not only to contact you but to WANT with desperation to work on solving the relatioship on your terms. if she doesnt do that, she is not yours anymore.

and when she comes around aksing why you broke up, and if you can get back together, it will be on your terms, and you will ask exactly what you want from her. you are not controlling her life, but if she cant do that one small thing that bugs you, then she is not compatible with you, and let her go.

a woman that is in love you and sees herself in the future with you will never try to do anything to lose you. remember that!

 

[Sue Madre]

10K is nothing more than beer money.

I probably have spent over 10K on beer and I regret it. So how much money did your girl have in the bank before she met you cordon? And how about you 5string?

 

[Fred_Scuttle]

No she's not mail order. She has been in the country a couple years.

I used to know this guy years ago who ran a laundry mat and he had a mail order bride. she was ugly as hell tho. I met her a few times but that gal could cook. did you just pick her up on the boat? I thought maybe you paid for her. thats why i asked. so you've been married for 2 years? just curious since you mentioned it. how do you like spending all her cash? guess she gave you the job as treasurer.

 

[Sue Madre]

I used to know this guy years ago who ran a laundry mat and he had a mail order bride. she was ugly as hell tho. I met her a few times but that gal could cook. did you just pick her up on the boat? I thought maybe you paid for her. thats why i asked. so you've been married for 2 years? just curious since you mentioned it. how do you like spending all her cash? guess she gave you the job as treasurer.

I met her online and I've only been married a couple months. I don't spend her cash but I have access to it.

 

[5string]

I probably have spent over 10K on beer and I regret it. So how much money did your girl have in the bank before she met you cordon? And how about you 5string?

When I got married, the wife had 6 digit money and I had 7.

 

[joverby]

IDK, I really think your "expectations" or rules you laid down to be with you are really self explanitory for someone raised in this society. Not lying to you and respecting you. The going to the club is the only exception to that.

 

[Sue Madre]

When I got married, the wife had 6 digit money and I had 7.

What did she do, steal it from her first husband?