This has been hurting for too long

[Rollo Tomassi]

THUGO, you do realize what you're doing right? You do understand the paralysis you're in, yes? ONEitis is paralysis. You have allowed yourself to become retarded. I'm not trying to flame you; I mean that in the literal sense - you have halted and retarded the progress of your maturation by clinging to the fallacy of the ONE with this girl. You're not clinging to a special and unique individual, you are clinging to an idealization. You're obsessed with the idea of what this girl represents.

Ideally we would all love to have a mate that was an HB10, sexually available, unconditionally loving, intelligent, nurturing, fun, well adjusted, socially adept and comes from a wonderful family. This person only exists as an idea. The reality is that for each quality that we idealize another quality becomes lacking. There is no perfect ONE, there is no soulmate. You need to change your mind about this.

The woman you describe isn't the one that exists in reality and you've arrested your own development in pursuing this shadow. The cure to your disease doesn't lie in your ability to reestablish contact with her - you have to cure yourself. You have to disabuse yourself of this idealization. Remember, you will only get what you have gotten if you keep doing what you have done, which, for the last 5 years, has been absolutely nothing.

Play your fantasy out to it's logical conclusion; lets assume for a moment, you did win the lottery and she had a complete change of heart. She leaves her husband and comes back to you. Would you really be happy with this end? Or would the doubt of her sincerity and her genuine desire gnaw away at you for as long as you were together? Would you really want to spend a lifetime with a woman who so readily dismissed you to marry the first guy who matched her conditions for marriage? After experiencing this aspect of her character and being on the receiving end of her behavior, would you ever feel she was being 100% genuine with you? Or would her IL always be suspect? I don't know who I pity more, you or the man that married her. At least you know what she has the capacity for.

We only chase what runs away from us. You've been chasing for far too long now.

 

[Latinoman]

Thanks.. I do have a girl now and I've had them since. But this one was special. She really was. I feel I made a mistake letting her go and I think we would have had a beautiful thing if I didn't screw up. Ther worst part is when you dream about them and you are together and everything is great ..... uggggh then you wake up.

So...telling her that you wanted to wait a little longer to married is "screwing up"? If anything...she is the one that screwed up (assuming she is unhappy)! I mean, she dumped you for you mature decision and then immediately found another man and married him!

And for some reason I sense that you are underrating yourself as a man.

 

[Latinoman]

I'm not harassing the woman. I called her one time after 5 years no contact. left a message. She called me back. Her choice.

She called you back to tell you that she is married.

 

[NewMan]

you are obsessed with the fantasy, not the reality.

The reality is, this chick never really loved you to begin with.
The reality is, this chick wanted what she thought was a perfect life - marrage and kids - and you were just in the wrong place at the right time.
The reality is, you believe that she is the reason you are unhappy - you need to realize that you create your own reality.

If your current woman is not doing it for you then move on a get a new one.

If your not happy in your life, make changes and change your direction.

This chick is nothing special - she doesn't hold the answer to your problems.

You were not ready to get married at the time, so except this and move on.

Focus on yourself.

 

[WestCoaster]

The big dark secret that Hallmark, Harlequin, eHarmony, and See's Chocolates doesn't want you to know: There are MILLIONS of women on this earth you could not only fall in love with, but also marry. It took me awhile to realize this, but yes, millions. (There are also billions who are awful, but I digress ...)

Once you realize that the term SoulMate is a fallacy and that yes you could literally fall in love with several million different women on this earth, it puts things into perspective.

Best thing is to read the articles on this site ... much more helpful than this message board where guys like me are just b-tch slapping you to wake up. Read the Hall of Fame posts and articles off of sosuave.com main site.

You'll be glad you did.

 

[Thugo]

If she was only my age. not older. It would have been like a fairytale.
damn fate screwed me again

 

[Thugo]

She called you back to tell you that she is married.

she didn't tell me until I asked.

 

[MacAvoy]

If she was only my age. not older. It would have been like a fairytale.
damn fate screwed me again

Your beyond hopeless. There is no point in us trying to :kick: you anymore. The only thing left for us is to out of pity for you.

Oh and it wasn't fate screwing you, YOU ARE SCREWING YOURSELF.

Your not even listening to a word anyone said. I think RT hit the nail on the head when he said how to start moving on. But instead of listening to him or anyone, you take one word out of context and use that to bring back a memory.

You don't want our help, you want a shoulder to cry on. Go find it somewhere else. Call your mommy, she'll tell you how to win her back or at least be a shoulder for you in your time of need.

 

[Desdinova]

If she was only my age. not older. It would have been like a fairytale.

I'm really starting to wonder if you're a troll intentionally trying to make me puke, or if you're really this pathetic.

damn fate screwed me again

Fate is another spoonful of bull5hit that society has fed you. Fate doesn't exist. You create your own situations by your actions and reactions. In this case, your reaction is to feel like you were screwed out of a good woman.

I'm going to ask this question... If she is such a perfect woman, why isn't she with you right now? Shouldn't your "perfect" woman stay with you and love you for the rest of your life?

This woman isn't your "soulmate" or "ideal woman". She fvcked off and married the first desperate guy she could find. You didn't fall for her trap and kept your freedom. You should be happier than a pig in 5hit. She only wanted to use you for her own selfish agenda - to get married which, according to society, all women should. You weren't there to provide love, you were there to provide a fvcking ring and a wedding ceremony. She tried using you. She doesn't deserve a "special place in your heart".

 

[Vulpine]

Thugo needs to change his emotional tampon... we're full.

 

[Thugo]

I'm really starting to wonder if you're a troll intentionally trying to make me puke, or if you're really this pathetic.


Fate is another spoonful of bull5hit that society has fed you. Fate doesn't exist. You create your own situations by your actions and reactions. In this case, your reaction is to feel like you were screwed out of a good woman.

I'm going to ask this question... If she is such a perfect woman, why isn't she with you right now? Shouldn't your "perfect" woman stay with you and love you for the rest of your life?

This woman isn't your "soulmate" or "ideal woman". She fvcked off and married the first desperate guy she could find. You didn't fall for her trap and kept your freedom. You should be happier than a pig in 5hit. She only wanted to use you for her own selfish agenda - to get married which, according to society, all women should. You weren't there to provide love, you were there to provide a fvcking ring and a wedding ceremony. She tried using you. She doesn't deserve a "special place in your heart".

I was just saying if we were the same age we wuld have had the same interests in life. This one was 7 years older than me and I hooked up with her when I was 20.


EDIT damn I just read that post good stuff Desdinova

 

[Vulpine]

Yep, he's a troll.

You drive a shiny pick-up that gets 20 mpg and you don't use to haul stuff with, don't you thugo? Ooh, and you complain about the price of gas, huh?

 

[Thugo]

Yep, he's a troll.

You drive a shiny pick-up that gets 20 mpg and you don't use to haul stuff with, don't you thugo? Ooh, and you complain about the price of gas, huh?

can you please make sense. no troll.

 

[KontrollerX]

Damn Rollo's post on here was so beautiful it could of been a work of art and Desdinova's was not far behind it lol.

Good work guys.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Too bad it was for a troll. I hope someone else benefits from it.

 

[Thugo]

This is serious. All This happened. I'm no troll. You owe me an apology.

 

[Sinistar]

Assuming you are actually for real...

You got it bad son. Others can offer advice. Only you can move on.

Here's what I see. You are still in a relationship with her :-(( An obsessive, unhealthy, mythical relationship where only you really exist. Your dwelling, wondering and constant discussions about her with friends, family and the people on this forum are at the core of what's keeping you from letting go. Each time you think about her (and talk about her) prolongs an ending to something that simply didn't work. I believe you are still in a proxy relationship, fueled simply by thoughts of her and a grieving process you are afraid to start/finish.

The good news, everyone goes through this spell when relationships fail. For some it lasts a few days (they suck!). For most it lasts weeks up to several months. And every so often, it goes on way too long. Like your situation.

Lets start with the tough stuff first. You tried contacting her 5 years later. You let your mind fool you into thinking if you hand over power to her (ie the call) she will reciprocate in some way. Yet you know this only accomplished negative outcomes:

1.) You handed your power back to her.
2.) You Ego boosted her.
3.) You learned something that hurt.

One more dirty item to take care of. You said your drove by her house ==> BAD, BAD, BAD! If she found out or sees you do this just once she will freak. It will be restraining order time and a history of you obsessing over her ain't gonna help you one bit. And there I said it Obsessed. What if the lawman tracking down a R.O. saw your posts on this forum, might they see obsessed?

So how do you get out of this rut. Actually, you know the answer to that question. Its simple. Get on with life, get busy, meet other people and she will become a distant memory. Trust that the memory will fade, accept that it is okay to let go.

In the short term, you need to stop playing that tape. I will suggest the following because it is a bit brash and may work. Each and every time you catch yourself thinking of her immediately stop yourself and tell yourself in a very assertive manner "I am obsessing over her". You mind won't like hearing that, mainly because its the truth. Then just shift you thoughts to something else (ie work, hobbies, etc.) It might take awhile, yet each time you catch yourself thinking about her and steer the thoughts somewhere else the tape will stop playing. Another suggestion is if you find yourself wondering about her simply ask yourself "How can I wonder about someone who doesn't even exist in my life?" Your mind knows its pointless thus asking yourself that question helps you divert your thoughts to more healthy places.

Then ask your friends & family for some tough love. Tell them to assertively stop you each time you bring her up and ask them to avoid any conversations about her. You might be frustrated at first but in a while you'll be happy they helped you.

And I would suggest getting some introductory counseling. Sometimes hearing good advice from a more 'authoritative" source can do wonders.

Back to the forum...here's a challenge for you.

I challenge you to keep up this post, just DO NOT mention the Ex anymore, that's just fueling the unhealthy proxy relationship. Just one mention of "but she was so this..." or "I screwed up and miss that..." or "she was the only one..." just shouts that you're stuck, dwelling and Obsessing.

Instead, post about other HB's you're seeing (resist the urge to compare to the ex).

And I'd like to challenge you to describe your vision of the perfect babe. Not the ex, your perfect babe!!! Focus on appearance, attitude, career, hobbies, age, interests, family, etc. For example, you can't tell me a woman 7 years older is your perfect babe. Come on!

Finally, come up with a list of self-talk that will help you get through this. Then post it here. Perhaps something like:

1.) We tried our best, it wasn't meant to be. It's okay. I've let go and moved on.
2.) I don't believe in the one, I believe in the many!
3.) Healthy, interested women will seek me and stand by my decisions.
4.) I walk away from that which does not bring me happiness and peace

...I think you get the drift. Statements that are positive, assertive and re-affirm everything you know that is right.

I'll leave you with this. A good decent woman who cares for you and respects you will do just about anything to be with you. She will follow your guidance and pace, trust you and stand beside you.

Your ex had 5 friggin' years (1/20th of a 100yr lifetime) to demonstrate this with actions. Where is she now?

Don't answer that, just think about. Accept it.

Start healing yourself with your unwritten future instead of poisoning yourself with a dead past.

 

[Thugo]

I'm really starting to wonder if you're a troll intentionally trying to make me puke, or if you're really this pathetic.


Fate is another spoonful of bull5hit that society has fed you. Fate doesn't exist. You create your own situations by your actions and reactions. In this case, your reaction is to feel like you were screwed out of a good woman.

I'm going to ask this question... If she is such a perfect woman, why isn't she with you right now? Shouldn't your "perfect" woman stay with you and love you for the rest of your life?

This woman isn't your "soulmate" or "ideal woman". She fvcked off and married the first desperate guy she could find. You didn't fall for her trap and kept your freedom. You should be happier than a pig in 5hit. She only wanted to use you for her own selfish agenda - to get married which, according to society, all women should. You weren't there to provide love, you were there to provide a fvcking ring and a wedding ceremony. She tried using you. She doesn't deserve a "special place in your heart".

I hooked up with this girl at 20 she was 27. If only she was my age, 20, we would have been the perfect couple. I missed finding my "one" by 6 years..........

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I hooked up with this girl at 20 she was 27. If only she was my age, 20, we would have been the perfect couple. I missed finding my "one" by 6 years..........

Oh for fvck sake,...

Thread closed.