Thinking about leaving my wife

[Bokanovsky]

Man up dude. If you want to be divorced, then divorce. If you want to stay married, then stay married.

I think OP's problem is that he doesn't actually know what he wants...

 

[LiveFreeX]

Sam: I wonder how your Brazilian ex-wife feels with your incredibly narcissistic decision. But whatever, you know how I feel about that. Generation Entitlement.

I'm gonna give you the other-side of the coin, do not do whats right for YOU only because thats BS. Our world wasn't created by a bunch of greedy mother fvckers acting only on their own impulses despite what PUAs would have you believe. It wasn't created by a bunch of 'Alpha dogs' fvckin every slvt around. It was built by men with integrity who were willing to give their lives so that every one of us could have a bit of freedom. It came with ALOT of sacrifice and alot of pain, heartache, toil and even death... if everyone at one point just got fed up and said 'fvk it MGTOW!'... we wouldn't have modern society. If everyone acted on every impulse they had, we'd have dead people everywhere. My grandfather went to WW2 and lost 3 brothers, I'm quite certain he would have rather been banging hotties at home then getting his ass shot in the middle of a firefight but sometimes we have to do whats right to ensure a better future for our children.

I'm in the same boat but I chose this road... my wife is maddly in love with me and I'm lukewarm about her. I don't get butterflies all the time but when I do, she knows it. I got butterflies a few weeks ago when I was in the hospital passing out from vitamin deficiencies and high CK levels... I'm not well, my health isn't what it used to be and my wife watches me like a hawk. If I need help she comes running full speed. She recently told her boss to Foff when the boss demanded she come in to work while I was sick. Instant butterflies!

My wife knows I'm not healthy too but she doesn't run off to bang the millionaires around here. She most certainly could because right now the guy to girl ratio is something like 50 to 1 and her family is getting propositioned from people who have more assets and money then Prince Harry, but she still stays with me in my little dump in the south of China with ****roaches, rats and all manner of disgusting things. We rarely fight and she spends 99% of her day by my side, its a little boring but its stable and our kids will have an incredibly stable family to grow up in. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little.

There are women you marry and women you BANG... bangers are good for nothing but a bang... my wife was a virgin when I met her and its true, she coded herself to me. I don't like starbucks face, my wife doesn't like starbucks face. Money not really important to me beyond survival, Money not important to my wife beyond survival... there is something to be said for virgins... at least Chinese virgins.

First, to answer a few questions:
- Yes, my wife was a virgin before I met her.
- When I say I don't feel challenged, what I mean is that she doesn't stimulate me mentally. We never engage in witty banter, she never teases me, etc. May not seem like a big deal, but to me, it's a key part of what makes being with a woman fun
- We have had conversations about our goals and what we want out of life, and she is aware that mine are different than hers. To be fair, I'm still trying to figure out my passions and dreams, but I know that they go beyond the typical American dream of house, kids, and a dog. I also find it hard to respect someone whose sole objective in life are those things. She very explicitly told me multiple times that her "goal" in life is to have a big house (think multi-million) but instead of wanting to make a lot of money herself, she puts pressure on me to pursue a lucrative career. While we are both currently in successful careers (myself much more so than my wife) and do very well financially, I dislike the fact that because of my wife, I feel restricted from taking risks and truly exploring my career interests.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Illest
- She loves to spend money on herself but is not generous with others
- She sees the worst in people, and always seems to find some sort of drama. She's quick to assume the worst intentions in others. As a result, she has no close friends
- She is fixated on appearance and material things

A couple differences between your wife and mine, neither of us attended college, so we don't really care what job the other gets. She could work at Burger King and I could be a garbage man for all she cares. I can't get her to spend more than a couple dollars on clothes each month, I know if I give her money, she'll make a secret trip to the bank and dump it all into a savings account. I feel as those my wife doesn't put ENOUGH pressure on me... I could stay at home the entire year and my wife would pick up the slack. My wife gives me half of everything she has. If she buys Mcdonalds or an Ice cream, she'll give me 3/4's of it... she might have one of those disorders that makes her a 'care taker', my mother had a similar affliction with my narcissistic father.. That said, the two of us are lazy, spend a lot of our time playing video games and watching movies and cartoons leaving the house in a state of disarray. Oh well, que sera sera.

http://www.wat.tv/video/jimmy-soul-if-you-wanna-be-happy-3z713_2ey2h_.html

 

[Illest]

Thanks, Sam. Very helpful as always.

God, I may be pretty fvcked.

Wife logged into my Google and read some of my chats with the work chick. There's nothing super incriminating in there but she's super pissed that I talked to her so much and says we were "flirting." Says she's lost all trust in me.

Need to go home now and confront the situation, but not sure how best to approach. Feel like I'm being forced into a decision here before I'm ready. Fvck fvck fvck

 

[Desdinova]

Fvck fvck fvck

...and this is why you should be avoiding the work slvt. Now you have to do damage control because you got caught.

I have no advice on how to go about your damage control. I'm going to restate what I said before.... Work at making this woman better quality by being the leader in your marriage. She's got a good solid base as a potentially great woman. You just need to bring out the best in her.

 

[Obsidian]

@OP,

What you are proposing is called "oath-breaking," and it is morally wrong. Also, I suspect that you will probably wind up miserable if you do it.

 

[donking]

On the bright side, now you know how much your wife is worth.

 

[LimeSlush]

Let's see.... of the women I've met since my divorce.... ONE thought she could move in with her cat.... when I told her BEFORE we dated that I was allergic She cheated on her husband with a guy. Cheated on HIM with ME, Then cheated on me with another guy.... he moved in with her a MONTH after we broke up.... and when she was mad at HIM, would come over and do me.

ANOTHER one, when I WOULDN'T go out for breakfast after the bars closed.... SHE said, " it's 2010, there are NEW rules.... WE have the p&ssy, you have to do what WE say" As I dropped her off, I let her know those were HER rules, not mine

The THIRD, thought she was an alpha female.... because she'd slept with over 60 guys.... former stripper, she was HOT.... and a boatload of nuts.

Several WOULDN'T date me because I told them "if it get's serious, the pet has to go" but then were whining on Facebook about being lonely.... THEY chose a PET over a man....
Well to be honest if any women I was dating told me I'd have to give up my dog for them I'd dump them in a heartbeat haha

The girl who FINALLY figured out I "could" rape her because I was bigger than she was..... and we never even got CLOSE to sex.

The girl who said some of the times we had sex it was almost rape.... until I asked her if she meant the times she woke me up by rubbing my d1ck?

I've had several women grab my **** in public.... except they didn't want to follow up.... or they were ugly and I didn't want to follow up {one was a lesbian}


The women who want you to spend the money to raise THEIR kids....

THIS is what you are going to find in the "dating market" that you are SO interested in joining.....

Also I read the DJ bible on the long term relationships, and it was all about the phases that relationships go through, and maybe what you're missing is the honeymoon phase or the "puppy dog love". All meaningful relationships move on from this stage, to a point where continuing to love a person becomes almost a choice. You choose to continue loving a person even through their faults, and their mistakes. I'm not married and never have been, so I have no divorce advice to give. But I will recommend two books to read that I loved. The married man's sex primer and no more mr nice guy. Hope everything works out for the both of you no matter what you decide.

 

[sodbuster]

I understand about the dog.... BUT I'm not seeing you whine about being lonely on Facebook either. It was always upfront BEFORE we dated.... or didn't. The one's who didn't believe me were the ones who annoyed the hell out of me. "Your Vag DIDN'T cure my asthma.... you STILL can't bring it in my house."

 

[Desdinova]

Stick with your wife if you feel you will regret your decision but have something on the side - whether that be a mistress, the odd bit of strange or regular hookers.

I'm all for this, but I also agree that you need to be smart about it. If this is the option that you choose to go, I'll post a link to The Cheat Manual.

 

[Desdinova]

Des, I read the cheat manual and thought it was good but a bit anachronistic. Plus it's written from the perspective that you intend to eventually leave your wife. What I'm talking about is a sustained lifestyle where you manage your family and your mistress/gf/hookers as part of the new normal.

I didn't get that from it at all. I never found the book to be insistent in any way on what one should do with their wife/mistress. I found that it made me much more aware of things that can go wrong and gave excellent suggestions on ways to cover one's tracks. Regardless, it's an excellent reality check for someone who's going into a relationship with a mistress and possibly has his head in an emotional cloud. The wife is the one who's supposed to be the permanent fixture, and the mistress is the disposable one. Too many guys go into a cheating situation viewing everything as the opposite, with the OP being our immediate example.

 

[Illest]

Alright, so after a pretty tumultuous weekend, the wife and I are back on good terms. Since there was nothing super incriminating, I just played innocent/dumb and maintained that I was merely being nice/friendly with no other intentions. She's now directing all her vitriol towards the work chick whom she now thinks is some super screwed up ***** who gets satisfaction from stealing married men. There are a few social events coming up where they'll both be present, so it'll definitely interesting/awkward, but I suppose that's the price for my indiscretion.

Man up dude. If you want to be divorced, then divorce. If you want to stay married, then stay married. Don't pu33yfoot around and stay married just because you might get a stigma that may harm your post-marital dating game. That ain't right to you, your wife, anyone.

This was actually good advice. I have a habit of being indecisive and over-analytical whereas oftentimes, it's better to make the wrong decision and just own it rather than continuously wavering. As uncomfortable as it was, I think the most recent episode with my wife was a positive as it forced me to make a decision, and I've decided to commit to her and the marriage. Despite her faults, deep down, she's a good woman whom I can trust to always be faithful to me. She has strong maternal instincts and I'm sure she'll be a good mother to our future children. Furthermore, despite my complaints about her spending habits, she's actually pretty financially savvy and net net, I would say she's actually a positive for my financial situation. I could do a lot worse in a life partner.

Stick with your wife if you feel you will regret your decision but have something on the side - whether that be a mistress, the odd bit of strange or regular hookers.

It allows you to get over the "grass is always greener" mentality much quicker. I was at breaking point with my ex around January. I wasn't being honest with myself. I tried to invent reasons for why I wanted to split up but in reality it was just because I wanted to fvck someone else. Nothing more. Once I admitted this truth to mysrelf I took the plunge and began screwing around. Best decision I ever made and it actually made me appreciate my gf more.

As much as I'd like to sample some strange, not sure I'm prepared to do that to my wife. Also, especially in light of the latest episode, she's got me on pretty tight watch and not sure I could pull this off even if I wanted to. And question for you, with the mistress route, isn't there always the inherent danger that the girl goes crazy after realizing she can't have you and confronts your wife/gf about it? Seems way too risky.

 

[Spinach]

There is always that issue with "the other woman" as hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. This is as close as a phone call or as blatant as showing up on your door step some evening. This is hard to explain away. Believe me. If you decide to have a woman on the side you need to find one that has as much to lose as you do....like another married person. I will give you some advice which you have not requested. I will tell you it is not the woman or the sex but the thrill of the chase, the conquest, the newness of finding out about another's life...and it is addictive. The highs are great, the lows are horrible. But yet once you cross the line you will continue to do so time and time again....Eventually you will find a woman who you will fall for hook, line and sinker. When this happens the decision will be made for you as either you walk away with a shredded heart and will hate your spouse for not giving you the freedom you need to follow your love, or you will leave the marriage. Neither is a good choice especially if you have children. As I told you before choose wisely grasshopper. The best to you in your decision. Spinach.

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

There is always that issue with "the other woman" as hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. This is as close as a phone call or as blatant as showing up on your door step some evening. This is hard to explain away. Believe me. If you decide to have a woman on the side you need to find one that has as much to lose as you do....like another married person. I will give you some advice which you have not requested. I will tell you it is not the woman or the sex but the thrill of the chase, the conquest, the newness of finding out about another's life...and it is addictive. The highs are great, the lows are horrible. But yet once you cross the line you will continue to do so time and time again....Eventually you will find a woman who you will fall for hook, line and sinker. When this happens the decision will be made for you as either you walk away with a shredded heart and will hate your spouse for not giving you the freedom you need to follow your love, or you will leave the marriage. Neither is a good choice especially if you have children. As I told you before choose wisely grasshopper. The best to you in your decision. Spinach.

What they are saying is unless you break this cycle, you can continue to induldge in this type of mistake... Affairs thrive in secrecy and make all the emotions seem more exciting than they really are.

The thing about it though is you are feeding your spouse a $hit sandwich. There is a notehr way to do relationship where you protect your primary relationship, guard it religiously, you take good care of each other and the sex is sacred. You don't allow anyone to tarnish it, if you do this properly the sex and intimacy can grow for years to come.

Most people who left a trustworthy spouse for another will admit they made a mistake, and anyone with empathy for another will feel really $hitty when they think about the pain and suffering they inflicted on their partner.

 

[Desdinova]

I have a habit of being indecisive and over-analytical whereas oftentimes, it's better to make the wrong decision and just own it rather than continuously wavering. As uncomfortable as it was, I think the most recent episode with my wife was a positive as it forced me to make a decision, and I've decided to commit to her and the marriage.

I'm really glad to hear this. Now I'm going to repeat what I said earlier... Put in some effort to make your marriage better. Start taking her out on REAL dates again. Look into some local programs around your residence and see what you and her could do together. In my city, we have a booklet full of programs that can usually be picked up at the indoor pools, and it's full of ideas. You can take a cooking course, dance lessons, learn a new language, etc. Work at creating new memories with her, and you're going to see not only a bit of life come out of her, but a bit come out of yourself too.

If you just leave this episode of marriage turbulence in the past and go back to the same ol' 5hit you were doing before, you're going to end up back in this situation. Take your mistake and not only learn from it, but work at preventing it from happening again. Take that woman you married and bring out the best in her.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Good luck and all the best, I honestly hope everything works out for you.

-Augustus-

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

Sounds good. It sounds like your liking your wife more and more as you go through this path. My question to you is are there some qualities in your wife you wouldn't mind amplified? There are ways to motivate someone to excel or to add skills.

 

[Cejay]

Illest,

+1

Good for you man. I agree that this sounds like the right choice for you.

I hope it works out.

CJ.

 

[Illest]

I'm really glad to hear this. Now I'm going to repeat what I said earlier... Put in some effort to make your marriage better. Start taking her out on REAL dates again. Look into some local programs around your residence and see what you and her could do together. In my city, we have a booklet full of programs that can usually be picked up at the indoor pools, and it's full of ideas. You can take a cooking course, dance lessons, learn a new language, etc. Work at creating new memories with her, and you're going to see not only a bit of life come out of her, but a bit come out of yourself too.

If you just leave this episode of marriage turbulence in the past and go back to the same ol' 5hit you were doing before, you're going to end up back in this situation. Take your mistake and not only learn from it, but work at preventing it from happening again. Take that woman you married and bring out the best in her.

Definitely agree. I think part of the problem was that almost all of our interests/hobbies were unique to each of us, but we're already starting to look at different things we could do together.

Sounds good. It sounds like your liking your wife more and more as you go through this path. My question to you is are there some qualities in your wife you wouldn't mind amplified? There are ways to motivate someone to excel or to add skills.

Certainly. I think one of the more insightful pieces of advice I received here was that it's on me to lead my wife and bring out the qualities that I want to see in her. Will definitely be focused on that going forward.

Thanks again everyone for the advice and well-wishes.