Things were going great and then the talking ceased almost instantly...

IsiMan84

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Hello, long time reader, first time poster. Anyways, this is about a girl who I'd been talking to for the last month and a half or so and all of a sudden the talking just stopped. I thought I could get some input on this. This might sound too detailed but I figure the more I give you the better you can pick out where things went wrong. Here's how it all went:

I first saw this girl in a friend's Facebook picture, and I asked my friend who it was and after she told me I sent the girl a message asking what was up and telling her that we had the mutual friend. Things got off pretty well and soon enough we were sending messages many times a day, so I asked for her AOL screen name and we started talking on there. She wasn't on a whole lot at first and then started signing on every night to talk to me. We joked around about how things were getting serious because we were talking a couple hours a day (Napoleon Dynamite reference). We'd talk until 1-2 AM some nights (yea sad I know) and she was really into me. She was sending me pictures of herself and commenting on herself, usually partially negative, but I would never be direct with my answers so it was all good. She also enjoyed my pictures and would usually say something good about me. She was still a little negative on herself, even with the issue of sitting on the computer all the time instead of doing something else. I gave her this motivational spiel about getting up and doing what she likes to do. A few days later she said she played basketball with some people at the rec center and that it was because I motivated her to do it. So at this point it seemed like I could do no wrong.

One night she signed on and was complaining about her shoulders being sore from work. I said I had large hands and could help out (that was as far as I went with that). She joked if I really wanted to come over and hang her parents' house I could. She lives at her parents' house, but she lives in the same town as the university so I guess that is alright. Well after enough talking I figured nothing was going to happen so before I went to bed I asked for her phone number and she said she hadn't met me yet so I understood. Then I had a good idea and gave her my number, and she sent me a text message 5 minutes later. So I figured she trusted me enough by now. We had talked about meeting some time but she was always busy with work and I had track meets every weekend so I wasn't always around, but we kept talking.

At the end of finals week I had a meet on Saturday so since I wasn't going to go out Friday night I thought why not just go by the restaurant she works at and see what happens. So I walk in and sit at the bar portion of the restaurant and order a Sprite (not a drinker). I notice all the waitresses walking by (all of them looked pretty good) but I wasn't sure which one she was or what she looked like besides her pictures that she sent me. All of a sudden somebody grabbed my shoulder from behind me and it was her. She looked even better than the pictures but I kept cool about that. She said I should get some ice cream pie and that it was really good so I ordered that and she brought it to me. She'd come by every few minutes to say something and would always put her arm around me or some type of touching so I figured that was all good. Finally I decide I'm going home and she said how good it was to meet me etc. and I was out. I got a message on AOL later from her thanking me for coming by and how nice it was to meet me, all that good stuff. I went to the meet the next day and we sent a couple text messages back and forth while I was gone.

The next week because we were done with school but had the Big XII meet that weekend I was pretty much either going to be at practice or doing nothing. Well she said she could play basketball with me on Monday so I told her that would be alright, even though I still felt crappy from the meet the last weekend. We talked about possibly watching a movie that night too. So I got done with practice and called her after and she came over to the rec center. We rented out a couple basketballs and got to shooting around. She told me she beat some guy a while back and was making almost every shot she took so I was thinking "damn I'm gonna get rolled." Well she asked about playing Horse so I said alright sounds good. It was a pretty close game but she beat me with Hors- so I told her let's play again and I said something along the lines of "the glove's comin' off," or basically that I would not lose the next time. I'm not gonna lie but I was taking some pretty ridiculous shots (bounce-off-the-wall 3-point fadeways, or shooting from behind the hoop for example) and me being about a foot taller it was pretty much impossible for her to make any of the same shots. So I won with only H---- and we just shot around a little bit more and played some Knock Out, and then she decided she was going to go. I brought up the movie and she said she was going to go visit some dude in a wheelchair in another town and that she didn't have to work a lot later in the week so I said another time sounds good, talk to you later.

That night I sent her a message on facebook that quoted one of the ridiculous shots I took when we were playing earlier. She didn't say anything back so I was like ok no biggie. Well for the most part I heard jack squat from her the rest of the week and she never signed on AOL. I asked our mutual friend if she was a sore loser or something and explained what happened. The friend said she didn't know what was up so I just forgot about it. I went to the Big XII meet and one of the days I got on somebody's computer to get on facebook and she had sent me a message saying good luck at the meet and to holla at her when I get back. So I thought all was good again and replied I'd talk to her later. I get back from the meet 4 days after I left and I was gonna have to move out the next day for the town I had an internship at (where I am right now). I called her to see what was going on and she didn't answer so I left a message saying I was leaving town the next day and would be at the town I had to work at. I hear nothing from her so I said screw it and packed up and left town. Later that night I was at the grocery store getting food and I get a text message from her saying she just got my message etc. and I replied I was in the other town and had my own apartment and everything, and she asked what I was going to do and I replied something along the lines of "perhaps hope for a visitor or two ;-)" So we don't talk again for a couple days and one day I get on and she's online so I started talking to her. She said she owed me a message on facebook (one I had sent after I got to this town), and I said she owed me a movie too and she said "lol ok" or something like that. That was about a week and a half ago.

I sent her a message on facebook 4-5 days ago asking what she was doing for Memorial Day weekend and 'poked' her. She cleared the poke and didn't reply, and that was that. I haven't done anything since. She still talks to the mutual friend on there so I know she still gets on there.

So I guess my question is: was it as obvious as the basketball game as to why she stopped talking to me, or is there some underlying reason that I don't know about? I wasn't sure if there's some unwritten rule that you gotta let the girl win or something haha. Or maybe it seemed like I rubbed it in when I sent the facebook message, but that all I ever mentioned about basketball after we played. I figure if it was the basketball and she is a sore loser then that would be a huge NEXT. But if it's not anything to do with that then let me know; I'm sure I've included everything pretty detailed but if there's other questions you have I'd probably be able to answer them. Thanks.
 

tmpgstx

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It wasn't the game. Let's hope she isn't THAT lame that if a guy beats her she don't talk to him anymore. In any case, she did continue talking with you after.

She got her OWN place! In a town with a university! She's seeing someone else and doesn't want to hurt your feelings knowing you like her alot or something to this effect. When she said expecting a visitor or two to her new place, that didn't sound too good in my book.

She works at a bar/eating place? Again, usually these types of girls are the flakes. There's alot of damaged goods out there Dawg ..

It's ironic how "she beat me with Hors" in your game .. says it all doesn't it?
 

IsiMan84

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Whoa back up a bit, I told her I had my own place in the town I just moved to, and I said that I was hoping for a visitor or two. She lives at her parents place right now but is moving out and getting an apartment next school year. The place she works at is similar to an Applebee's. Good point about the score of the game though.

I guess one thing I didn't mention was her relationship status on facebook (which I usually disregard anyways). It was Looking for Friendship, Dating, and Relationship, and then it changed to just Friendship. I asked her something about that once and she said she didn't know what she wanted and was too spontaneous so she was always changing her mind or something. So I wasn't sure if maybe she changed her mind and didn't want to go any farther with me anymore, but she probably used that as a scapegoat in the beginning just in case anything happened. Oh well, keep the comments coming.
 
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Originally posted by IsiMan84
.. It was a pretty close game but she beat me with Hors.....
She beat you with Hors??? Come on now, it seems as though every discussion on sosuave ends up talking about Hors!!!
 

tmpgstx

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I see .. not an Applebees girl! This should be an unspoken rule that any girl working at Applebees is a flake!!

I've known a few and every single one of them are superficial flakes. Why? You tell me. I guess anytime you're willing to sing happy birthday to a stranger with a group of co-workers standing around looking like morons somehow just doesn't bode well for being more down-to-earth.

Anyway, i'd forget about her if you can. You'll probably want to keep trying and that is natural, but don't be too surprised if she is hooking up with other guys at their place.
 

Tazman

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Judging from her actions I'd say she's simply not interested. She's definitely a nice person, but she isn't into you, that's why it's so hard to get anywhere with her. If she wanted you, she'd have made it very easy for you.
 

IsiMan84

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Yea that makes some sense. I've been told girls that work at bars or restaurants are usually a no-go, but because I didn't meet her at her workplace or know that about her when I first started talking to her I figured it would be a little different. It's weird if she wasn't interested she wouldn't have been talking to me all that time but girls can be like that I suppose. It just seems she wouldn't have cut it off that obviously if she wanted to be smart about it but oh well.
 

tmpgstx

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That's what these types do though Isi. If you don't contact her though, and things dont' go well with her new hook-up(s), she'll contact you again. It's at this time whether you just want to use her or not, because that's what they do and all they're good for.
 

Pimp-sicle

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She could've had luke-warm interest early in the beginning but you came off as a tad bit too desperate and not a challenge to her AT ALL!! You need to learn how to be more of a mystery, and keep her guessing. Don't always be available and never go into her workplace uninviited unless your already dating. That tells her all she needs to know. She sounds like a cool chick, just not interested in you romantically and it has nothing to do with the basketball game...LOL


PIMP
 

IsiMan84

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Yea I really wasn't sure. Well I was talking to other girls too, and I figured being busy with track and not really being around on the weekends would solve the availability part. It's been pretty hard for me to tell what's enough and what's not enough. Seems like if I don't talk to them enough they'll forget about me, or if I talk too much then they'll feel pressured. Even when we talked online I didn't initiate the conversation that often, but I guess I shoulda cut her off at some point or the push-pull thing I've never done haha.
 

becker

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Man, I can relate to this thread. I'm an athlete myself, and I remember way back when relationships were a little easier, and I can tell you right now that you should be doing more sports and less girls. This will inevitably lead to more girls if you just get slightly more involved with them. This girlfriend I had in high school was totally pursuing me, and always tried to lay on the guilt trip because I cared about playing tennis more than anything else, perhaps more than her. But did I lose her? Nope! She just clung on tighter, that's what is counterintuitive in relationships. Don't worry about losing the girl. If you do, she might venture on to some other guy, but then she'll be thinking about you the entire time because there's no closure.

One of the most powerful things you can do is to walk away and never look back. Don't even let it end gradually, just straight cut it off completely. Look at what this girl did to you, and you'll see what I mean. Sometimes the answer is right under your nose. It's crazy, personally I'm not into getting into a relationship with ANY girl right now, but if I was, I'd try as hard as I could to follow my own advice, but I know how hard it is. It's literally easier said than done when emotions are involved. You have to become a robot in some ways, but even then, that may lose the girl as well.
 

IsiMan84

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That's some good info. Especially being an hour or so away from her I don't have to worry seeing her too much. I'm talking to the mutual friend right now and haven't mentioned the girl or anything so it's all good so far. As far as track went, I was trying not to go out of my way to get any girls because it would just hinder my performance in one way or another. I figured if I qualified for the regional meet (then you get to be on the team poster) the advertising would do itself. :cool:
 

IsiMan84

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Originally posted by tmpgstx
She's seeing someone else and doesn't want to hurt your feelings knowing you like her alot or something to this effect.
And this ends up being right on the money. That is, if facebook is an accurate source of someone's relationship status.
Originally posted by tmpgstx
That's what these types do though Isi. If you don't contact her though, and things dont' go well with her new hook-up(s), she'll contact you again. It's at this time whether you just want to use her or not, because that's what they do and all they're good for.
A quote influenced by my good friend Peter Griffin...

"And now I play the waiting game...while I mess with other girls" haha.
 

Interpol

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You talked to her online too much, called her too much, and texted her too much for barely ever seeing her in person.

Nothing is wrong with IM, texting, or phone but they should never be the bulk of your contact and it seems like that was the case here.

My take is that she got to know you well online and decided you were a good guy, but when you met in person there was no solid attraction. Her flakey behavior now is her way of brushing you off and saying "let's just be friends" without actually saying it.
 

IsiMan84

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Yea that sounds about right. During the school year I didn't get a whole lot of time to do stuff cause of track so I was usually online after doing homework, and would hear something from her or somebody else for that matter. Meets on the weekend so I couldn't hit the parties up as much as I woulda wanted. Too much of that facebook too. Hopefully being in this new town for the summer will change some of that.
 

Fenderules

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Originally posted by becker
Man, I can relate to this thread. I'm an athlete myself, and I remember way back when relationships were a little easier, and I can tell you right now that you should be doing more sports and less girls. This will inevitably lead to more girls if you just get slightly more involved with them. This girlfriend I had in high school was totally pursuing me, and always tried to lay on the guilt trip because I cared about playing tennis more than anything else, perhaps more than her. But did I lose her? Nope! She just clung on tighter, that's what is counterintuitive in relationships. Don't worry about losing the girl. If you do, she might venture on to some other guy, but then she'll be thinking about you the entire time because there's no closure.

One of the most powerful things you can do is to walk away and never look back. Don't even let it end gradually, just straight cut it off completely. Look at what this girl did to you, and you'll see what I mean. Sometimes the answer is right under your nose. It's crazy, personally I'm not into getting into a relationship with ANY girl right now, but if I was, I'd try as hard as I could to follow my own advice, but I know how hard it is. It's literally easier said than done when emotions are involved. You have to become a robot in some ways, but even then, that may lose the girl as well.


good advice, im in this dudes same shoes and im gonna gollow yoru advice
 

Hound_of_Love

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I've got a really confusing girl in the arena at the moment. We were blatantly LJBF, although it was never said, but I had a huge crush on her (even though I saw no future in a LTR...I would have loved to jump her bones).

For no apparent reason she just cut off contact one day - pretty good friends one day, nothing at all the next. Damn! I was pre-emptively struck off! I e-mailed her to ask if anything was wrong and she practically blew up, saying nothing was wrong and why did I always assume something was wrong? (Hmm...well if any of my other friends just went quiet all of a sudden, I'd at least put in a quick call/e-mail/whatever to see that they were alright).

So anyway, I hadn't seen/spoken to her for a few weeks when we met up at a gig which we'd both bought tickets for a few months back. We didn't say much to each other and I mainly flirted with her sister all night.

When the gig ended we had to get the same train home (we live near each other) and I got off at a different stop to the one I usually get off at ('cos I was going to see my fvck buddy). She queried this and I told her I was staying at my g/f's place...cue impassive face and me jumping off the train without a backward glance and with a spring in my step.

Fast forward another 3 weeks of no contact and I'm in a similar scenario with her - we meet up at a gig and I'm in a ****y mood. It's just me and her this time so we have to talk to each other and half the time we're just batting the ol' c & f backwards and forwards like old times. But this time she's pumping me for info on what I've been up to and specifically who this 'girlfriend' is. I'm playing dumb with her, changing the subject and avoiding direct answers to anything and she's whining at me that she always tells me stuff but I never tell her. Interspersed with that she's acting all aloof and making out that she doesn't care if I'm there or not and there's a tension of some sort which I can't figure out.

Okay...with all of that spiel there really ought to be some sort of exciting ending to this story but the story isn't over yet. I've no idea if she's developed an interest all of a sudden (because now I'm 'taken') or if she was just making conversation. I'm not quite sure at this stage whether to push for a ONS and damn the consequences (for closure's sake), to try and maintain the friendship (she's a great girl) or some other course of action...
 

IsiMan84

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I don't know what other thread I saw it in but there was something about men becoming more appealing to women if they are taken or unattainable. She probably thinks you're not interested in her anymore and is trying to win back some approval rating points. At least that's what I think. So it's kinda like my situation but turned around (she has the b/f now and I didn't know or care, or want her any more than previously).
 

squirrels

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You're her best friend in the whole wide world, man. :(

When were you planning on making your move? I mean, she was giving you all the signs of interest...the kino, etc...it was all there.

You had your chance and didn't do jack sh!t.

I think you were so busy trying to read the signs that you MISSED ALL OF THEM. What happened is she got bored and tired of waiting for you to make a move and she dropped you. You were being a GREAT friend...talking to her on AIM until 2 in the morning every night, playing sports with her, coming by to chat with her at work...but you didn't do ANYTHING to indicate your interest romantically. To quote Rounders, "You see all the angles, you just don't have the stones to play one." You just sat there and saidl, "Yeah, I'm in. Yeah I'm in." but the door was open and you never actually WENT IN. And now she shut it in your face.

Next time, be a man and make a damn move. :p
 

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ok I'm quite a new poster here, but here are my 2 cents about IsiMan84's story (as you will see, I'm a fan of SOME of Doc love's theories.):

I think you never put yourself in an advantageous situation. First of all, you talked way too much with AOL or on your cell phone. Personally, I've had girls that SEEMED to like me on MSN, but when they met me in real life, I wasn't their type. So chatting on these things and on the phone before knowing the person is a real waste of time. When a girl tells me : "why don't you want to talk on the phone more", I simply tell her "Sorry, I prefer meeting people in real life, since most communication is non verbal" It actually shows the girl, you want to meet her on YOUR terms, and that you're not desperate.

As a First date, I would have chosen to meet her for a cup of coffey (a very short date, so that she doesn't feel pressured) to evaluate if she really likes me and if I really like her. AFTER this first date, I would have waited a few days and then invited her to the action date. This is where you would have really seen if she dug you or not. First of all, if she accepted your invitation, it would have been a good sign, and second, you could have applied some kino, and at the end of the date, you could have REALLY known if you stood a chance with her.

In conclusion, you wasted too much time on this chick... It showed you had way too much time on your hands. Actually, not wasting time has 2 advantages: 1. You can flirt with more girls 2. It makes you seem like someone who knows what he wants. I don't think it has anything with appearing unattainable.. just appearing as someone who is not desperate is acceptable.


Originally posted by IsiMan84
I don't know what other thread I saw it in but there was something about men becoming more appealing to women if they are taken or unattainable. She probably thinks you're not interested in her anymore and is trying to win back some approval rating points. At least that's what I think. So it's kinda like my situation but turned around (she has the b/f now and I didn't know or care, or want her any more than previously).
 
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