Things I've done so far

[BergischerLöwe]

So based on everyone's comments to my threads here, I've started to do a few things. I've begun to go out more and now I often go to concerts or football games with my friends, and I also continue to attend my religious lectures every week. In recent weeks I've been out in public more in general, I now go to the same coffee shop near my house almost every day for example. I swipe less on dating apps but I still pay for tinder although I stopped paying for hinge. I've gotten some matches on there but it never leads to anything still. The women on there either don't reply to me or stop replying after a few messages. So far I still haven't gone on a single date this year, and in '21 and '22 I only went on one date each those years. It's getting old, only being a one date a year or no dates a year kinda guy. Despite being out in public more now I still havent run into any situations where I could approach a woman irl. Sometimes I do see attractive women in public and I at least try to visualize approaching them in my mind, but my mind always draws a blank and I have no idea what to say or do. I'll never be able to approach in earnest at this rate, I fear.

As I've said, I haven't really met any new women this year, but I did recently run into one I met once before. A couple weeks ago I went to a party/jam session with a friend of mine and there was a woman there whom I had met at another jam session back in December. She remembered me and I didn't even have to approach her or anything, we just found ourselves talking to each other. Back in December when I had first met her the same thing happened, I had just found myself in a conversation with her. Anyway at this party I talked to her briefly then joined the jam session on bass. She watched the jam session for a while and I noticed her looking at me while I was playing bass, and then she joined in on guitar and was giving me a few looks then as well. After the jam I was talking to her some more and conversing with her was easy and it didn't make me nervous. Sill I'm not really sure if this one is actually interested. It does seem like at the very least she may have a certain curiosity about me, but although she was giving me looks while I was playing bass and she spoke to me very readily at the party, there wasn't any flirting going on during that and also she doesn't really reply very much when I've tried to text her. However with the lack of replies when trying to text her she doesn't seem like the kind of girl who's on her phone a lot so that could be the reason. In any case I'm not really sure what I can do with this one.

Apart from that my usual concerns remain. Next year it will be five years since I've had a girlfriend or had sex, and the longer I go without it the harder it'll be to get back in the game. Then there's my usual gripe that it's become harder and harder for me to meet women and I still don't really have much on an outlet to meet any besides dating apps. At this point, I think I'll hit the age of 30 without having dated or had sex again. I should be in the prime of my life when it comes to dating right now, but with every passing year it becomes more difficult for me to meet women and like I said I haven't even gone on a date this year. It does seem sometimes that these issues are here to stay and that there isn't much of a way out. I have made a little progress with losing bodyfat and going out in public more, but these things alone won't get me a date.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Alright, listen up. You've taken some solid steps by going out more, but it’s time to turn up the heat. Hitting the same coffee shop every day? Great, you’re a creature of habit — now make that work for you. Start conversations, even if they’re just with the barista. It’s all practice for the main event.

As for dating apps, swiping less is a step in the right direction, but why are you still paying for Tinder if it’s getting you nowhere? That’s like buying a gym membership and never lifting a weight. Use that money for something that actually benefits you.

Now, about this woman you're into. She’s giving you looks, and you're chatting easily; that’s a green light to take it up a notch. Are texts going unanswered? Forget the phone; ask her out in person. No scripts; be genuine, be direct. If she's not on her phone much, then you being in her face can’t be ignored.

Your bass playing caught her attention; that's your in. Invite her to another session, or better yet, see if she wants to collaborate on a piece. That’s interaction, that’s personal, and that’s how you get to know someone.

And drop the "I'll never be able to approach" attitude. You’ve already proven you can talk to women when the pressure's off, so build on that. Every time you visualize approaching someone and draw a blank, replace that with what you'd say to your friends. Keep it light, keep it funny, keep it real.

Are you worried about your "prime"? The only thing that makes it prime is what you do with it. The past is dust — you can't change it, but you can bulldoze your way into a future where you're a guy who approaches life head-on.

This isn’t just about getting a date. It’s about building a life where you’re happy with or without one. Keep improving yourself, keep making those human connections, and the rest will follow. Remember, nobody gets better at anything by just wishing it — get out there and swing the bat.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Next year it will be five years since I've had a girlfriend or had sex

@corrector is that you using an alternate account? 5 years man. Do you even want or neeed sex at this point? Maybe you are asexual?

You should go out there and go Full Mode One on girls who pass the boner test. Its not like you have anything to lose, nowhere to go but up.

D@mn, five years man! There are catholic priests out there who get laid more often.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Aren't you obese or something? If so, why isn't a gym plan to lose weight/gain muscle not on this post?

 

[CornbreadFed]

No matter what you do, if you don't become physically attractive, you won't have much luck. People can say whatever they want, being physically attractive if the first thing you should do.

This should be his first priority.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Frankly, all you have to do is eat healthy and get 30 minutes of exercise a day, if you're obese, the kg's will just fall off. Even faster if you go hard at the gym. Walk 5 miles a day and lift compound lifts for 30 minutes, and you'll turn it around really fast.

Eating healthy is simple, oatmeal and some protein for bfast.
piece of protein in a big salad with a home made vinaigrette for lunch
repeat for dinner

No cheats, no bread, no potatoes. There are variations of the above - but you must eat clean. Stop drinking. Coffee is black no sugar no creme, coffee is not a dessert.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

Getting your shyt together physically like others mentioned is a great endeavor towards being more appealing to women, but that's just part of the game. You also need to get your head right and from what I read that might not be the case.

The scarcity in your existence and mindset tells me you might need to adjust your brain to a more confident male existence.

You being a musician is an unrefined gem that you can take advantage of, rather than just showing up at a Jam session every once in a while, why not put yourself out there and join a band to perform regularly, that not only gets you attention but also a steady flow of female candidates. Bands are always looking for bass players so it shouldn't be too hard to get that going. If you don't have the time or drive to do that, keep doing the jams but keep in mind that they're all very different socially and a Jazz jam will be vastly different than a Rock/Blues jam, etc.

I don't know about you but when I perform out and hear the applause I feel like the king of the world and that confidence carries over after my set and even outside of gigs in every day life. It could be a great confidence builder that women will notice.

As for female musicians like the one you mentioned, that's one I tend to steer away from as they usually are sometimes kind of boyish and are around a lot of men in the male dominated world of musicians.

That said, don't stop working on yourself, but keep in mind that you not only should work on your weaknesses (out of shape), but also play to your strengths (being a baddass bass monster and entertainer).

Sorry for the long post but I was compelled to share as I once went thru a vicious divorce in the past and went thru a period of darkness and scarcity like yourself. It never resolves itself, takes effort to pull out of, and snowballs over time if left unchecked.

Do yourself the favor of putting it in check.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Frankly, all you have to do is eat healthy and get 30 minutes of exercise a day, if you're obese, the kg's will just fall off. Even faster if you go hard at the gym. Walk 5 miles a day and lift compound lifts for 30 minutes, and you'll turn it around really fast.

Eating healthy is simple, oatmeal and some protein for bfast.
piece of protein in a big salad with a home made vinaigrette for lunch
repeat for dinner

No cheats, no bread, no potatoes. There are variations of the above - but you must eat clean. Stop drinking. Coffee is black no sugar no creme, coffee is not a dessert.

That diet is not sustainable lol.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

That diet is not sustainable lol.

It is; it's plenty of protein and nutrients. If someone isn't working hard, an 1800-2400 calorie daily diet is plenty to maintain a basal rate; some folks will gain weight. I'm 5'10", and when lifting hard - 90 minutes daily, 3600 calories were enough to keep my weight on.

Maintenance for a male 177cm (5'10") is 2000 kcal/day, which is to MAINTAIN an ideal body weight of 72kg (160 lbs).

If the guy weighs anything above IBW, they'd target 2000kcal a day to lose weight plus exercise. Pretty much everyone in the Western world overeats massively. Calories in and calories out - it's not rocket science.

For the same sample male above:

For athletes, the activity factor used to calculate maintenance calories can range from about 1.5 to 2.3 or higher, depending on the intensity and frequency of their training.

For a moderate activity level (3-5 days of training a week), multiply the BMR by 1.55. For a very active level (intense training 6-7 days a week), multiply the BMR by 1.725. And for an extra active level (very intense daily training or a physical job), multiply the BMR by 1.9.

p.s. Using the Mifflin-St Jeor equation for men: BMR = (10 times weight in kg) + (6.25 times height in cm) - (5 times age in years) + 5.

People who argue with this are in denial and undisciplined. I'm carrying an extra 10 lbs - I know how to lose them; I'm just being a lazy, undisciplined fuk not doing so.

 

[CornbreadFed]

If the guy weighs anything above IBW, they'd target 2000kcal a day to lose weight plus exercise. Pretty much everyone in the Western world overeats massively. Calories in and calories out - it's not rocket science.

Yeah, but there's a difference between overeating and eating like a WW2 Russian soldier on tour. My calorie range is from 2000-2500 and I can eat basically anything I want within reason, and I avoid snacking. However, I can only go by what worked for me. I just want OP to know that there's other options to lose weight besides going full Spartan mode. Some people get the thrill out of eating a bowl of nails for breakfast and bragging about it to others.

 

[CornbreadFed]

People who argue with this are in denial and undisciplined. I'm carrying an extra 10 lbs - I know how to lose them; I'm just being a lazy, undisciplined fuk not doing so.

So we are in agreement lol, we could easily have six packs right now, but don't want to put up with the BS diet to get and maintain one. Hence unsustainable.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I eat quite well, and probably better than you do bro. I cook like a mfer.

The example above is an example of keeping it simple and stupid, which is what most obese people need in their lives when they're trying to lose 50+ pounds. Most people look for any excuse not to implement a strict diet, and if all you're doing is making oatmeal, boiling eggs, tossing a salad filled with veggies and maybe grilling a piece of salmon it doesn't seem as daunting.

 

[CornbreadFed]

I eat quite well, and probably better than you do bro. I cook like a mfer.

The example above is an example of keeping it simple and stupid, which is what most obese people need in their lives when they're trying to lose 50+ pounds. Most people look for any excuse not to implement a strict diet, and if all you're doing is making oatmeal, boiling eggs, tossing a salad filled with veggies and maybe grilling a piece of salmon it doesn't seem as dauntin

I generally eat the same breakfast and in between meals every day. My dinner and lunches aren't strict, but I will say rotational and similar. One day during class, I brought out a boilo to eat for breakfast and the teacher was like how the fvck are you able to eat that for breakfast and look like that!

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

For dinner tonight are acorn squash grilled with a brushing of golden maple syrup (aaaaa! Sugars!) and each half is stuffed with beef picadillo sautéed with onions, garlic and currants.

A complete crowd pleaser that makes you look like Martha F’kin Stewart to your guests…paired with a nice Pinot Noir or smoking Cabernet.

Huge flavors, not a lot of calories, easy to make. Pears, poached in red wine with a touch of honey, and served cold with a dollop of crème fraiche…for desert.

 

[corrector]

@corrector is that you using an alternate account? 5 years man. Do you even want or neeed sex at this point? Maybe you are asexual?

You should go out there and go Full Mode One on girls who pass the boner test. Its not like you have anything to lose, nowhere to go but up.

D@mn, five years man! There are catholic priests out there who get laid more often.

That poster is a White Hindu guy with rich parents that is 29 years old. That is absurd to come to such a silly conclusion. I have been warned about being banned on here if I even talk about my faith. We could not be further apart besides struggling to meet girls, which is common as 60% guys are 8n the same boat as both me and him.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Aren't you obese or something? If so, why isn't a gym plan to lose weight/gain muscle not on this post?

I'm not obese and I lift weights frequently, the olympic lifts are the cornerstone of my training. This year I've also lost a lot of fat. I got a bicycle in June and now use it as my primary means of transport, and since that time my bodyfat percentage has dropped. Even though my numbers in the gym aren't as high as they could be, my physique has really improved this year and now I barely have a gut anymore. I'd say this year has yielded the biggest results for me in fat loss. The weird thing is that my weight has stayed nearly the same. For most of this year I've hovered around 100 kg but I've visibly lost fat and have continued to lose it in recent months. In the past month or so I've lost about 2 kg but that's not that significant in the grand scheme of things.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

No matter what you do, if you don't become physically attractive, you won't have much luck. People can say whatever they want, being physically attractive if the first thing you should do.

Why have you made little progress? It sounds to me you can't even wake up early to hit the gym, do cardio, cook you own food, do meal preps.

In 3 months I lost 30 pounds using intermittent fasting, cooking my own food, lifting heavy as fvck, and doing cardio. Stop the whinnying and crying, beauty costs, start working hard, or keep stuck as an incel.

The past few months have yielded very good progress with fat loss. I lift weights and since I ride a bicycle instead of driving most of the time I get my cardio in too. This year my physique has noticeably improved. In the spring I looked pretty fat but because I was eating too many protein shakes and not doing enough cardio. Put a stop to all that tho.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

@corrector is that you using an alternate account? 5 years man. Do you even want or neeed sex at this point? Maybe you are asexual?

You should go out there and go Full Mode One on girls who pass the boner test. Its not like you have anything to lose, nowhere to go but up.

D@mn, five years man! There are catholic priests out there who get laid more often.

I know it's been a long time but I've fallen so far off the wagon. One huge thing that's affected how long it's been is that I'm so afraid of getting a woman pregnant accidentally that most of the time I don't consider sex to be worth the risk if I'm not sterile. In the past, even when I was with girls whom I knew were on birth control, it was still nerve wracking. A friend of mine just accidentally got a woman pregnant recently and he's had to deal with that whole can of worms, and this incident happening to him has lent so much creedence to my concerns. I want to get a vasectomy and when I get health insurance I can get one. Then I won't have to worry about accidental pregnancy anymore. Still this doesn't solve the problem that I'm just not meeting girls really. Like I said I haven't gone on a single date this year and the year is nearly over at this point. I certainly am not asexual but I haven't really been able to meet many women in my life, especially since the end of 2019.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Getting your shyt together physically like others mentioned is a great endeavor towards being more appealing to women, but that's just part of the game. You also need to get your head right and from what I read that might not be the case.

The scarcity in your existence and mindset tells me you might need to adjust your brain to a more confident male existence.

You being a musician is an unrefined gem that you can take advantage of, rather than just showing up at a Jam session every once in a while, why not put yourself out there and join a band to perform regularly, that not only gets you attention but also a steady flow of female candidates. Bands are always looking for bass players so it shouldn't be too hard to get that going. If you don't have the time or drive to do that, keep doing the jams but keep in mind that they're all very different socially and a Jazz jam will be vastly different than a Rock/Blues jam, etc.

I don't know about you but when I perform out and hear the applause I feel like the king of the world and that confidence carries over after my set and even outside of gigs in every day life. It could be a great confidence builder that women will notice.

As for female musicians like the one you mentioned, that's one I tend to steer away from as they usually are sometimes kind of boyish and are around a lot of men in the male dominated world of musicians.

That said, don't stop working on yourself, but keep in mind that you not only should work on your weaknesses (out of shape), but also play to your strengths (being a baddass bass monster and entertainer).

Sorry for the long post but I was compelled to share as I once went thru a vicious divorce in the past and went thru a period of darkness and scarcity like yourself. It never resolves itself, takes effort to pull out of, and snowballs over time if left unchecked.

Do yourself the favor of putting it in check.

I've already been in the same band for the past nine years. We haven't been able to play live much in recent years due to the fact that we've been unable to find a drummer who lasts more than one show. When I was in college I played a lot of gigs but even back then I only was ever able to meet girls from dating apps. I always do play well live and I'm a good enough bass player that people really notice my playing, but even then being a musician hasn't really done anything to make my luck with women any better. With that girl I mentioned I don't know when I'll run into her again. She's not really in my immediate social circle, I'd say she's a friend of a friend of a friend or something like that.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Alright, listen up. You've taken some solid steps by going out more, but it’s time to turn up the heat. Hitting the same coffee shop every day? Great, you’re a creature of habit — now make that work for you. Start conversations, even if they’re just with the barista. It’s all practice for the main event.

As for dating apps, swiping less is a step in the right direction, but why are you still paying for Tinder if it’s getting you nowhere? That’s like buying a gym membership and never lifting a weight. Use that money for something that actually benefits you.

Now, about this woman you're into. She’s giving you looks, and you're chatting easily; that’s a green light to take it up a notch. Are texts going unanswered? Forget the phone; ask her out in person. No scripts; be genuine, be direct. If she's not on her phone much, then you being in her face can’t be ignored.

Your bass playing caught her attention; that's your in. Invite her to another session, or better yet, see if she wants to collaborate on a piece. That’s interaction, that’s personal, and that’s how you get to know someone.

And drop the "I'll never be able to approach" attitude. You’ve already proven you can talk to women when the pressure's off, so build on that. Every time you visualize approaching someone and draw a blank, replace that with what you'd say to your friends. Keep it light, keep it funny, keep it real.

Are you worried about your "prime"? The only thing that makes it prime is what you do with it. The past is dust — you can't change it, but you can bulldoze your way into a future where you're a guy who approaches life head-on.

This isn’t just about getting a date. It’s about building a life where you’re happy with or without one. Keep improving yourself, keep making those human connections, and the rest will follow. Remember, nobody gets better at anything by just wishing it — get out there and swing the bat.

As for that girl I mentioned, I don't know when I'll run into her again and I still don't really know her all that well. That's the thing, even if she may be interested I don't have much of a way to do anything with that as it stands right mow.