There's Something Intangible

[zekko]

When I was in high school, I had a crush on this girl. She didn't seem to "like me back", but she gave me an opening once which I messed up, maybe because I wasn't expecting it, maybe because I had another option which was higher interest. Whatever, that was the end of that.

I've run into this girl off and on throughout my life, and I've noticed that wherever she went, guys would become enamored of her. One guy had it for her so bad, you could tell he was really miserable over it, and he was a cool guy, but of course she didn't care about him. Here recently I've run into her again, and she still has a couple of guys who are crushing on her heavily (who she doesn't care about, btw). Now this girl was pretty in high school, but these days? I can't imagine it, to be honest. She was nothing to look at even some 20 years ago. I'm in my early 60s now, just to give perspective.

What I find interesting about this is it seems like some people just have some sort of "it" factor that makes people fall in love with them, or crush on them. Apparently this girl has it. As I said before, she hasn't really been that attractive since high school, and personality-wise I don't get it either. If anything, she's a bit of a user. I suppose when you have guys crushing on you for no reason, you expect people to do things for you.

This is one reason I've always questioned a lot of the seduction advice given on sites like this. Not that the information is bad, but it seems to me there is some sort of intangible always at play that can't be manufactured, or sometimes even be understood. I guess some guys can manufacture it, if they're really good, but how do you know it's skill or some intangible at play? It's like two sisters who look very much alike, and both are attractive, but for some reason you're drawn more to one than the other. You know what I'm saying?

 

[RazorRambo24]

It's belief, personality, mindset, charm. Things that people who feel "ugly" lack. Keyword feel. When a girl whos even attractive feels ugly, she comes off unconfident and might act weird and thus even becomes less attractive..

The people who beleive they are hot/have alot of evidence int heir life to validate and confirm this belief usually act and operate a certain way, and thus people are receptive to it.

The thing is, confidence is the energy that makes people drawn to us. If you can confidently portray a certain character and energy (which most humans do), the ones that "wake up " or have a "spiritual awakening" are simply the ones who become aware of it and thus it dissolves/it breaks and they become like a personality less person who just "is" for a while. it has all to do with the beliefs, internal and external programming we've had for such a long time.. Most people develop unique personalities in their teens which stick throughout their life.

 

[zekko]

The thing is, confidence is the energy that makes people drawn to us.

You make a good point, but I just don't think "confidence" is really the it factor that I'm talking about here. I mean, I could be wrong, I guess. But it seems to me confidence is more of a masculine trait, I'm not sure that confidence in a female has the same effect, but it depends on the woman, I imagine. Certainly confidence in a woman can be sexy.

Then there's also the "which comes first, the chicken or the egg". People who grow up attracting the opposite sex easily will tend to naturally have confidence, they learn to have confidence. Like maybe I'm confident I can score a 160 bowling (that's just an example, I don't bowl, at least not really). There may be a snowball effect there, but was it really the confidence that's attracting the people, or their own special thing they have, whatever that may be?

 

[Bokanovsky]

This reminds me of a girl I used to date. Very pretty but in a girl next door kind of way. Feminine but not a damsel in distress. Traditional social values and political views. Good sense of humor. Fun to be around. Basically, the kind of woman you might imagine as a perfect wife (until you start digging a little deeper and realize that she's anything but).

She was still "friends" with most of her exes, including some from a long time ago. And by "friends" I mean that she could ask them for favours and they would oblige. Ditto for various guys that she friend-zoned over the years. She told me a story about some guy in high school who tried to kill himself when she rejected him. Another guy, who was her first serious relationship, apparently never got over her and would tell her how she broke his heart.

She definitely had something about her that made people enamored. While I never acted like her other exes and went no contact after we broke up, I have to admit that it was hard to stop thinking about her (which was never the case with any of my other exes).

 

[SW15]

I'm 40. I have looked at the social media pages of a number of past hotties I knew. These were hotties I knew in high school, college, and in the first few years post college. They are all about the same age as I am, so 38-40 right now.

Most of these former hotties have children now. There were some top tier sorority girls from my college who are now moms and their looks have gone downhill.

There were a couple of hotties from college who retained their looks. One stayed childless.

For me, it is good that I never run into any of these people in person.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Confidence, the appearance of accessibility, carefully calibrated aloofness and carefully refined and subtle manipulation tactics. Basically game in a non-game scenario.

Almost like a cute, innocent puppy that somehow acts like a cat who runs out of reach when you want to pet it, and it drives you nuts because they're a puppy, dammit. They are fabricating mystery without being intriguing.

Again, it's called game.

 

[BeExcellent]

There is something innate in some people. I have repeatedly been told I have it. Although I’m not entirely sure what “it” is. It’s an energy. That’s the best way I can describe it, but even that is rather nebulous.

I recall my senior year in college I was taking Constitutional Law, a junior level poly sci course, as an elective. It was a small class with mostly pre-law students and poly sci majors (for whom it was required), me I was from parents who were lawyers so I just thought it would be interesting as an elective. I sat in the front row and didn’t pay much attention to the other students, I’d participate in discussions and if I had a thought or a question I’d speak up confidently.

I ran into that professor at the liquor store of all places, late in the semester near the holidays. It was an interesting chat we had. He said “There’s something I hesitate to tell you, I don’t want it to make you self conscious, but it’s interesting….” I said “Okay….Tell me” and he proceeded to tell me that during his lectures other students would read the paper, not pay attention (this is before cell phones, lol) and so on. Then he said “You sit in front so you don’t notice, but every single time you speak everyone in that class room pays attention. You have “presence”, and it will help you tremendously as a litigator, because people listen to you…”

To which I said oh, I’m pre-Med, I’m taking your class as an elective, I thought it would be fascinating….
His jaw dropped. Nobody took Constitutional Law as an elective, but I did. Got an A too, lol.

I’ve had random people stop me and tell me that I have presence, whatever that is, and I’ve always had men fall hard for me, I mean I’m attractive but I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model (I’d consider myself an 8 or so, there are certainly more beautiful women out there)….but something draws people to me and I’ve been like this my whole life. I’m aware of this in myself, I’m grateful for it, and I know it’s there & how to harness it, but Ive never entirely understood it either.

I assume it is of God or the light of the universe, it’s something I cannot explain nor understand but it’s there nevertheless. I’ve seen a few other people with this “it” factor. It’s an energy. Sometimes I can feel it within myself, as strange as that sounds, I can summon it to a degree. My father had it too. He certainly had presence and was revered by people or greatly disliked. My dad just stood out. Very prominent of stature and presence; very polarizing man. Nobody was neutral about my father. People either loved him or hated him.

People do not forget me. It’s interesting. Even when I expect they would have.

 

[BadBoy89]

What I find interesting about this is it seems like some people just have some sort of "it" factor that makes people fall in love with them, or crush on them. Apparently this girl has it. As I said before, she hasn't really been that attractive since high school, and personality-wise I don't get it either. If anything, she's a bit of a user. I suppose when you have guys crushing on you for no reason, you expect people to do things for you.

This is one reason I've always questioned a lot of the seduction advice given on sites like this. Not that the information is bad, but it seems to me there is some sort of intangible always at play that can't be manufactured, or sometimes even be understood. I guess some guys can manufacture it, if they're really good, but how do you know it's skill or some intangible at play?

Are you asking about women having the "it" factor or guys?

Some women are just better at seducing and understanding male psychology than other girls. Usually, these women are hot, young, very friendly, very outgoing, and good at sex. They have to be in order to seduce the man. Once they have the man seduced, then the real girl comes out, as she knows she can do whatever she wants to her benefit. But she can't do anything until he is seduced.

It's like two sisters who look very much alike, and both are attractive, but for some reason you're drawn more to one than the other. You know what I'm saying?

It's pretty normal actually. Some men get along with some women more than others. Heck, I'm attracted to a 37 year kind of slightly chubby Chinese girl more than a hot 31-year-old Yoga Teacher.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

There is something innate in some people. I have repeatedly been told I have it. Although I’m not entirely sure what “it” is. It’s an energy. That’s the best way I can describe it, but even that is rather nebulous.

I recall my senior year in college I was taking Constitutional Law, a junior level poly sci course, as an elective. It was a small class with mostly pre-law students and poly sci majors (for whom it was required), me I was from parents who were lawyers so I just thought it would be interesting as an elective. I sat in the front row and didn’t pay much attention to the other students, I’d participate in discussions and if I had a thought or a question I’d speak up confidently.

I ran into that professor at the liquor store of all places, late in the semester near the holidays. It was an interesting chat we had. He said “There’s something I hesitate to tell you, I don’t want it to make you self conscious, but it’s interesting….” I said “Okay….Tell me” and he proceeded to tell me that during his lectures other students would read the paper, not pay attention (this is before cell phones, lol) and so on. Then he said “You sit in front so you don’t notice, but every single time you speak everyone in that class room pays attention. You have “presence”, and it will help you tremendously as a litigator, because people listen to you…”

To which I said oh, I’m pre-Med, I’m taking your class as an elective, I thought it would be fascinating….
His jaw dropped. Nobody took Constitutional Law as an elective, but I did. Got an A too, lol.

I’ve had random people stop me and tell me that I have presence, whatever that is, and I’ve always had men fall hard for me, I mean I’m attractive but I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model (I’d consider myself an 8 or so, there are certainly more beautiful women out there)….but something draws people to me and I’ve been like this my whole life. I’m aware of this in myself, I’m grateful for it, and I know it’s there & how to harness it, but Ive never entirely understood it either.

I assume it is of God or the light of the universe, it’s something I cannot explain nor understand but it’s there nevertheless. I’ve seen a few other people with this “it” factor. It’s an energy. Sometimes I can feel it within myself, as strange as that sounds, I can summon it to a degree. My father had it too. He certainly had presence and was revered by people or greatly disliked. My dad just stood out. Very prominent of stature and presence; very polarizing man. Nobody was neutral about my father. People either loved him or hated him.

People do not forget me. It’s interesting. Even when I expect they would have.

You're describing a raised vibration

 

[sharkfinale]

You have not told much about her other than there are alway men around her. Could be a siren as described by Robert Greene in Art of Seduction. According to him Cleopatra was a siren. She was not a looker but was able to keep two premiers of Roman empire as pets.

I was in relationship with a siren. Very bad idea.

 

[Slowhandluke]

Lonely men + outgoing semi attractive girl = simps

It's really that simple. Or else why would woman complain about "where are all the good men?"

 

[BeExcellent]

You're describing a raised vibration

That makes sense, but I still don’t know exactly what that means, lol. Some people are magnetic. I seem to be one of those people. Perhaps so too is this gal Zekko knows….

 

[The Duke]

A girlfriend I dated drew guys in like crazy. Yes, she was very attractive but there was more. She was friendly, very charming, easy to engage, always made good eye contact, confident. She made everyone feel comfortable like they had been friends for years. Real easy and fun to talk to. Always light and fun.

She was a dental hygienist and her patients loved her. She naturally attracted patients from the other hygienists.

 

[zekko]

Are you asking about women having the "it" factor or guys?

Women, more specifically this particular woman. And it's not that they attract men, it's that men tend to respond to them in a certain way. They don't want to just have sex with them, they fall in love with them, or probably crush on them would be more accurate. And it isn't trying to seduce these guys, because she isn't usually interested in them in the first place. All girls probably experience this to some extent, because guys come to them, and the girls are the choosers. But with this girl there is always some poor sap who is eating his liver over her, and I always chuckle and think "Heh, you fell for it". Whatever IT is. I can't really explain it, it's a mystery of the universe, I guess.

I think part of it must be some sense of innocence, since she seems to attract men more on an emotional level than a sexual one.

 

[RazorRambo24]

Women, more specifically this particular woman. And it's not that they attract men, it's that men tend to respond to them in a certain way. They don't want to just have sex with them, they fall in love with them, or probably crush on them would be more accurate. And it isn't trying to seduce these guys, because she isn't usually interested in them in the first place. All girls probably experience this to some extent, because guys come to them, and the girls are the choosers. But with this girl there is always some poor sap who is eating his liver over her, and I always chuckle and think "Heh, you fell for it". Whatever IT is. I can't really explain it, it's a mystery of the universe, I guess.

I think part of it must be some sense of innocence, since she seems to attract men more on an emotional level than a sexual one.

Yeah but your whole post is coming from a seemingly naive place/lack of deep understanding of social dynamics. People don't desire people just because they desire them. Outward attraction has somethign to do with it, confidence and charm. But how does one exhibit charm? It sthe things the woman do and say --that the men are responding to. Women who are charming and have an affect on guys don't usually have it without saying any words or without doing any actions. its the bits of attentino they give people that are charming and concentrated into an effect that makes people/men in this case crave that attention more from that women. Soon it bcome a desire for that woman.

In a bad analogy, think of feeding ducks or geese. You feed them a little, you come back and feed them more,a nd then come back and feed them more,soon the ducks and geese are at your will. Will even let you touch their babies , etc.

Women with Histrionic Personality Disorder often have this "it factor" ypu're referring to. but its not a factor they hone, its just how they have the ability to give people a unique kind of charming attention that men want more and more of. But the problem is they never quite get it because the HPD chick is always dabbing her little charm marks on everyone and anything, its how she operates to keep all the attention on her.

 

[Bokanovsky]

There is something innate in some people. I have repeatedly been told I have it.

I'm pretty sure that every woman has been told that at some point. The line works best when delivered in low, deep voice...after she's had a couple of drinks.

 

[zekko]

In a bad analogy, think of feeding ducks or geese. You feed them a little, you come back and feed them more,a nd then come back and feed them more,soon the ducks and geese are at your will. Will even let you touch their babies , etc.

You're talking about a giveaway/takeaway game on a basic level, which is fine, but I'm talking about something more ethereal, something that doesn't fit so easily into a set of instructions. You can say that is BS and it doesn't exist, but I disagree. I don't think everything can be fit into a formula.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I'm pretty sure that every woman has been told that at some point.

That was my impression.

I kind of "cold reading" angle.

There's something about you....

... you have this quality....

a very rare...

...quality...

like when you speak...

...people just pay attention

you may not notice it...

because you sit up front...

...but I do....

...others do...

I sense...

that you have memories...

of easily attracting attention...

like you have...

...this special gift...

that others very much wish they had....

and I think you know this...

you've always known this...

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

There are those that have perfected the ability described above, others possess it innately. Presence is very powerful, even people that are not attracted to you physically want to befriend you and seek your approval unwittingly.

Most who possess this ability just move through life and do not monopolize on it, others use it for gain - they are the blackest of souls - true narcissists.

Some who’ve realized they possess this power will play with it a little and then put it on the shelf understanding that it is not to be used lightly among mere mortals.

 

[BeExcellent]

There are those that have perfected the ability described above, others possess it innately. Presence is very powerful, even people that are not attracted to you physically want to befriend you and seek your approval unwittingly.

Most who possess this ability just move through life and do not monopolize on it, others use it for gain - they are the blackest of souls - true narcissists.

Some who’ve realized they possess this power will play with it a little and then put it on the shelf understanding that it is not to be used lightly among mere mortals.

This. There are times, honestly I’d like to turn it off, or at least down. There are times I don’t want to be paid attention to, times when I’d actually enjoy being invisible. I am not invisible. And it’s not a terrible problem to have, but it must be managed.

It does have something to do with an innocence or at least an openness of being. A pure soul if you will. A boyfriend or two have told me I’m too naive and I yet I don’t see myself as naive at all, when I was young & inexperienced, sure, but not for a long time now, but I don’t hold grudges, I don’t carry fears from one interaction to another, I choose to love even when I know I can be hurt. I have a positive outlook and I am empathic, which can draw dark triad types in certainly…but something draws people in, men and women, and not in a pick up environment. I’ve been stopped repeatedly by men and women who are strangers & been told this as I go about my day-to-day…far too many times for it to be random. When I have on zero make up in sweats or on a subway, so not out and about (although that happens too, but it’s an expectation frankly in nightlife, and less sincere.)

My girlfriends all have commented on this too. Dunno exactly why. It just is (shrugs).