There will come a time

[ThunderMaverick]

...when someone you're trying to help will hurt you. Especially if they're unable to change.

Someone close to me had to fall hard before they got their life together. I know several people who haven't fallen hard enough yet. There are others who believe they belong at the bottom and don't have experience with positive change.

I haven't told anyone the recently scary (and embarrassing) sh!t that's happened to me over the past couple of weeks and I guess it's going to stay that way. I know what they would all say if they knew, so I'm avoiding it. I want to believe I'm making a difference.

st_99 made an excellent post about creating decisions not based on emotion, but rationality. I think I've been making a lot of emotional moves because I'm hoping to help this person get better. Based on my position in life and the resources that I have I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

I think this person is going to fall hard - losing me in the process. God forbid there comes a point where I half to walk away, just to keep my self respect and sanity.

I'm still clinging to hope.

 

[Bluntmaster]

Told you to dump that broad. what happened?

 

[jophil28]

Told you to dump that broad. what happened?

He didn't listen , obviously, and the inevitable is coming true.

 

[Bluntmaster]

He didn't listen , obviously, and the inevitable is coming true.

How bad could it be? Unless he knocked her up.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

No no nothing that bad. Everything is fine on the surface. We're completely open and honest with each other (which is a big reason why I'm with her). As far as compatibility it's near perfect.

However, there are some things both of us need to work out (my financial situation is one of them) and she has her own thing to deal with. I guess both problems could lead to the end of the relationship. I'm trying to make changes in the next few weeks and she is too. The thing is she has a hard time trusting herself and that leads me to feel the same way. I want everything to be okay but I guess this problem was here before I came into the picture.

You always want to be a hero and think you're making a difference, but reality is harsh. The truth is it's only a matter of time before things get really bad and she learns the hard way. I'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces. I'm also mad at myself for not being as resourceful as I could or should be.

I haven't exhausted every avenue yet. We'll see.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

You want to be a hero? Be a hero for YOURSELF.

Turn your own life around. Achieve financial success, or do something that leads and inspires others in your community.

Only then will you be a real HERO - when you set an example that others are motivated to follow.

Wasting your time and your life in a dead LTR is the antithesis of what you wish to become. Sacrifices have to be made.

And summoning the spirit of Jophil, "Get out there and make life happen, soldier!"

 

[hithard]

They have to want it for themselves. Chicks will say they want to change, yet happily do the exact same thing over and over. Don't listen, watch the actions. Don't delude yourself that they are open and honest because they may very likely to be lying to themselves. IMO chicks with a tainted history do not fix. Thinking 'if I try this, or we do that'... Forget it, you can spend your whole life looking for ways and end up going nowhere. Things can get better for a while, then bam another drama cycle moves in. There will always be another problem to work on and fix.

You wanting to save her is a great excuse to ignore your own problems. Don’t get caught with focusing on fixing someone else’s issues that they don't really care about fixing. Or you both stay static and the same drama occurs again and again while you get nowhere.
You have to help yourself first.

 

[spider_007]

If your dealing with a drug addict (just a guess) cut your loses and take care of your self.
This i can attest to this from personal experience.

 

[Kailex]

This relationship sounds like too much work, too much trouble, too much anguish, too much pain, too much agony, too much mental duress.

When do the good parts of the relationship come in?

Basically what I'm saying is: What's the point? If you have to work that hard at it, it probably means your compatibility is NOT perfect.

 

[Slickster]

You can't fix what is already broken. She had these issues long before you came along. You chose to ignore them and now they've become yours. You are not the first guy who wanted to be a hero for some crazy chick. You won't be the first guy to realize he was a fool for trying either.


I get the feeling it doesn't matter what we say to Thunder here. He's going ride this train wreck right off the cliff. He won't realize his errors until long after he's hit the ground.

 

[Slickster]

...when someone you're trying to help will hurt you. Especially if they're unable to change.

Someone close to me had to fall hard before they got their life together. I know several people who haven't fallen hard enough yet. There are others who believe they belong at the bottom and don't have experience with positive change.

I haven't told anyone the recently scary (and embarrassing) sh!t that's happened to me over the past couple of weeks and I guess it's going to stay that way. I know what they would all say if they knew, so I'm avoiding it. I want to believe I'm making a difference.

st_99 made an excellent post about creating decisions not based on emotion, but rationality. I think I've been making a lot of emotional moves because I'm hoping to help this person get better. Based on my position in life and the resources that I have I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

I think this person is going to fall hard - losing me in the process. God forbid there comes a point where I half to walk away, just to keep my self respect and sanity.

I'm still clinging to hope.

After hearing one person's comment about drug addiction and rereading the above post it sure seems to fit.

 

[Colossus]

I want to believe I'm making a difference.


I'm still clinging to hope.

Your love is not going to change anybody. That's not what love is. You can love until your heart bursts but people have to change on their own accord.

And you are not clinging to hope, you are clinging to irrational, emotional longings. I dont even need to know all the details. We've read your past posts about this girl. It's evident in your writing----you are under a cyclic, destructive spell.

You remind me of the way I was with my horrid catalytic one-itis. I made every excuse in the book for her. I loved her deeply, more than I've loved anyone before or since. She was deeply damaged and I thought my love, patience, and self-sacrifice was going to "save" her. I thought my perceived heroics would somehow mend the terrible things that were done to her and she would love me for it. She didnt. I also clung to the 'compatibility' card. And we were compatible, on some levels...but you cant build a castle out of a few matchsticks.

Why do you keep coming here? You know you are not going to get sympathy or validation...it's like you are reaching out on some level. We are trying to save you a mountain of pain but I dont think you are going to learn until YOUR world comes crashing down. Get off the white horse.

 

[bmp2cpm]

ThunderMaverick, I'm routing for you! Go ThunderMaverick!

Hope can be a very powerful thing.

If anyone can rescue her, it's you. Besides, who can resist a challenge?

I should also point out I'm a life long Cubs fan.

 

[SharinganUser]

ThunderMaverick, I'm routing for you! Go ThunderMaverick!

Hope can be a very powerful thing.

If anyone can rescue her, it's you. Besides, who can resist a challenge?

I should also point out I'm a life long Cubs fan.

I hope that you are joking.

 

[Slickster]

Why do you keep coming here? You know you are not going to get sympathy or validation...it's like you are reaching out on some level. We are trying to save you a mountain of pain but I dont think you are going to learn until YOUR world comes crashing down. Get off the white horse.

Exactly! Ask yourself Thunder why are you even posting this stuff here?

Is this your rational side seeking advice from rational people?

Colossus is right. You CAN'T change her with your love or heroics. It has to come from inside her for it to be REAL.

You are a man being ruled by emotion. You must feel helpless.

 

[frivolousz21]

She is cheating on you. If she isn't at this moment, she has been, but she is definitely at least cheating on you verbally with men and hiding it from you.

Everyday you put up with or excuse this behavior is one more day it will be harder when it's over.

You can lay down the law of Thunder or you can get your heart broken in the end, all while you live in fear now, letting a piece of your manhood die day by day

 

[SharinganUser]

Try being a man for once in your life and drop this *****. Show your self some respect and go get a woman you don't have to "save." You aren't one of those gay vampires, so stop acting like one.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Slick, it's not so much that I keep coming back to ask for advice. It's me walking a path that I choose and chronicling for beginning posters and veterans as well. It can be used for other people to learn from. For me personally, I can't shy away from something because it hasn't worked for other people. I have to experience it myself.

Someone close to me was on the same path. It got to a point where I gave up and just cut my loses. I ended up not caring if this person lived or died. They got better, even making a complete recovery. I gave up but they bounced back, and I felt that if they had support from me things could have gone smoother. I thought I knew everything.

This person now is willing to change and is making efforts to change. When there's an effort being put forth I'm not going to cut and run. Everyone has a vice or something that holds them back. If they're willing to fight I'm going to support that fight. The rub however, is if she's not strong enough to change. If she slips at my emotional expense I'm not going to be a chump and stay. This is why I'm saying I HOPE she's strong (and smart) enough to realize what she has.

 

[Warrior74]

Someone close to me was on the same path. It got to a point where I gave up and just cut my loses. I ended up not caring if this person lived or died. They got better, even making a complete recovery. I gave up but they bounced back, and I felt that if they had support from me things could have gone smoother. I thought I knew everything.

This person now is willing to change and is making efforts to change. When there's an effort being put forth I'm not going to cut and run. Everyone has a vice or something that holds them back. If they're willing to fight I'm going to support that fight. The rub however, is if she's not strong enough to change. If she slips at my emotional expense I'm not going to be a chump and stay. This is why I'm saying I HOPE she's strong (and smart) enough to realize what she has.

I have a friend that is going through some really rough times right now. But he's not willing to fight to make his life better. What should I do? Keep reaching out to someone who tries to use me? Or cut my losses? Let me put it to you like this. He's strung out, he refuses to get help, he deals, he's a crappy dealer and owes people money who want to hurt him. Dude, I'm not sticking around for that. Let's explain to my daughter why I got shot up hanging around with a druggy dope boy because we were friends for 8 years. No. I told him when he wants to get clean and is serious about getting out of the life, call me, I'll be here. But I cannot put on a cape and try to save him. He's an adult, he's gotta save himself. We all do.

 

[Kailex]

Someone close to me was on the same path. It got to a point where I gave up and just cut my loses. I ended up not caring if this person lived or died. They got better, even making a complete recovery. I gave up but they bounced back, and I felt that if they had support from me things could have gone smoother. I thought I knew everything.

They probably made a complete recovery in SPITE of you.
Don't be so naive to think that if you had been around, it would have gone smoother.

Sometimes White Knights are just ENABLERS.
And that's what you need to realize.

You are ENABLING her.

In your mind, you are "supporting" her... "saving" her.

This person now is willing to change and is making efforts to change. When there's an effort being put forth I'm not going to cut and run. Everyone has a vice or something that holds them back. If they're willing to fight I'm going to support that fight. The rub however, is if she's not strong enough to change. If she slips at my emotional expense I'm not going to be a chump and stay. This is why I'm saying I HOPE she's strong (and smart) enough to realize what she has.

You already are a chump because you already are staying.

But then again, why am I wasting my words here on you, we already know you WANT to fail on the off chance that you might be able to come back and say: See, I did it... I helped her.

Sorry, but she needs to help herself... because if she doesn't, she'll drag you down with you.

And that's the problem with being the White Knight, you will ALWAYS believe that you can save someone, no matter how hard you fall in the process.