Their Tests and what to DO ?

[jophil28]

There is much written about women and their "tests" -
It is argued that some women test consciously, and some test from biological imperatives. Whatever, It remains that these tests in the 40plus age group are unnecessary ,extremely irritating and even destructive in mature relationships.
If a 20 something woman is testing men to select the best and most suitable genetic match for her child bearing years, then that is one thing.
" Testing " of men by mature women is just plain dumb operating procedure.
Surely a mature woman can gain whatever info she needs my 'fair' means or timely observation and not by creating turmoil or stupid drama..
Now, what to do about these "tests" -
Say that you meet someone and invite her 'out' next Friday night. You agree to meet at Starbucks at 7pm but she does not show. You guess that she is testing you .
What is the best thing to do?
Her flaking out is BAD behavior. Do you call her and ask her what happened or do you just scratch her name out of your book and move on.
I have done both and regretted doing both afterwards. Is she worth another chance if she flakes with no cell call to you (assume that she has you number)

 

[azanon]

Say that you meet someone and invite her 'out' next Friday night. You agree to meet at Starbucks at 7pm but she does not show. You guess that she is testing you .
What is the best thing to do?
Her flaking out is BAD behavior. Do you call her and ask her what happened or do you just scratch her name out of your book and move on.

Since we're all relatively anonymous here, do you might clarifying if this is a hypothetical or if this really happened to you. Because for me, personally i dont want to answer to a gagillion hypotheticals, but if it really happened, I love putting in my 2 cents to help out another brother.

Also, did you really need another thread on this? http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=115390

 

[jophil28]

It is a hypothetical, but all women flake at some time in some way. This situation never happened to me ( but it might!)

 

[azanon]

It is a hypothetical, but all women flake at some time in some way. This situation never happened to me ( but it might!)

I'd call to find out. No sense in not knowing. If she genuinely stood you up, that's a reflection on her bad character not yours, so you'd have no reason to feel hurt just because she might make fun of you when you called to get your explanation. I will say this though, if that was a first "date", it better be a damn good excuse.

I believe in giving the benefit of the doubt to everyone (including girls) until they clearly demonstrate they dont deserve it.

 

[azanon]

I totally agree.

I sometimes read posts from married guys who say their wives give them sh!t tests every so often. I really can't imagine being with a woman for the long haul under such conditions. Doing so is just being a rat on a wheel.

I'm pretty familiar with the concept of sh** testing having read the bible and participating on DJ forums. Of course i was aware of it before, but wasn't familiar with the coined term pre "DJ" website hanging out.

But back on point, i dont really experience sh*t tests in my marriage from my wife. I too tried to reflect on my marriage when i heard some other married folk here say he gets them, and i couldnt think of an example. It would seem like to me that at some point (hopefully even before you marry), it would become well established that you're "the man".

The only thing that comes close to a sh*t test is when she inadvertently does something that usurp's my manness. But as best i can tell, these instances really are inadvertent. Oh sure, i put my foot down every time it happens, but I dont think it was a test on her part, just an error she made. The creatures aren't perfect. Thus, the concept of "sh*t testing" is probably giving them more credit than they deserve.

 

[PRMoon]

Test from girls are in their nature as they tend to mate "wisely" as it's their roll for their gender. Some of the test I fail and with good reason. If I girl doesn't show up for a date or is hours late, then I see it as a sign of insecurity and a view into their past. I don't think it's mature nor will I tolorate it without very good explination. Other test are more hands on and I'm willing to play along because I understand it's something they can't help. Still ultimately, the burden of deciding if the girl is worth the effort is up to me. If the tests are ones I don't see as difficult or are in my nature, then I'll proceed with no problems and see where the whole thing is going. If the tests are fustrating and stupid to me then it's likely that I'll end the relationship.

That's a part of the game and how it's played. The power of the thing is divided between you as you do certian things and watch her reactions as well whether you know it or not. As you become more comfortable with a girl and you've been together for a while you reveal more about yourself and these actions push her in one direction or another. Relationships are a series of actions and reactions on both parts mixed with emotions creating outcome.

 

[blueguy]

" Testing " of men by mature women is just plain dumb operating procedure.

Hi jophil,

I understand why tests can frustrate you, but unfortunately I can't say it is dumb for women to use them. They need to KNOW without wasting more pointless time whether you will be secure/insecure or loyal/unloyal. Sometimes a girl will test you to see if she is just wasting her time. In that instance, you have to show MORE interest (if you really are interested) to show you are a worthy and loyal mate. Sometimes she will test you to see if you are insecure. In that instance, you cannot show that her opinion of you phases you. There are so many tests that girls give, and they never truly go away. The best way to pass them is to live the DJ lifestyle, and you will pass more naturally as time goes along. Hope this helps...

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Jophil28,



I agree with you. On the subject of flakes:

Women who like you, HELP you. Women who flake on you MUST contact YOU and make you a definite counter offer. If she doesn't, then her interest level in you is definitely in question. And probably her character and integrity as well.

Ask yourself:

Would the bytch flake on George Clooney or Denzel Washington and then NOT call them back apologetically with a counter offer ASAP? I think we all know the answer to THAT one...lol

And on the subject of Testing:

Sometimes a test can be unconcious or sometimes it can be concious. But no matter, when you call them on their shyt, you take their excuses for disagreeable behavior away. Women have memories like elephants. Even IF what she's doing to test you is subconcious, if you call her on it and she experiences harsh repercussions as a result, her ass WILL think twice about what she says or does around you. But this is all IF she values you as The Prize or not.

Conciously agreeing to a woman's shyt test is the same as submitting yourself to HER will. She automatically assumes the power position and YOU automatically become subservient. This like getting in the habit of handing over your balls to her routinely for inspection. Hmmm, are they made of Brass or tin, today?

The person who gives a test is greater than the one who is forced to take it. As long as men continue to put the woman on a pedestal, SHE becomes the prize---the one who needs to be pleased. The more you allow her to test you, the more her respect for you deteriorates.

Evidence of this is revealed in that she CONTINUES to do it. How many times do you have to prove yourself to a bytch before she FINALLY realizes you are The Prize? Does her ass have selective amnesia? Or does the man call his own prizeability into question EVERY time he "takes" her test?

Women are sometimes like children. They only continue to do the things that you LET them get away with. How many times have you heard a woman say shyt like this: "I love it when a man doesn't put up with my crap. I love it when a man puts me in my place. I don't want a man I can run over."

Put these bytches in their place gentleman. Do it quickly. And do it EARLY.

Understandably, to teach her this lesson once and to reinforce it the second time may be acceptable. But to have her act up by throwing the same shyt tests at you in different disguises, I believe, says more about her TRUE interest level in you than it does about her supposed "biological imperative".

Women, also like children, often require a man to BE A MAN---which means putting your foot down. Laying down the law. Letting her know what the rules are and exactly what the repercussions are if she breaks them.

As long as men subscribe to the idea that the majority of bullshyt that women put them through is only biological and somehow beyond the woman's control, the more they give women the license to test them.

And a lot of guys submit themselves to living this life of quiet desperation because they must somehow justify the dubiousness of their choices in women---and also to protect their fragile egos from the harsh scrutiny of other men whom they suspect may "know the real truth." So as a result, they'll call this chronic, relationship toxicity NORMAL, and attempt to convince the rest of us that women are just acting NATURAL.

But think about it, there are many things that we as men have a "natural" biological urge to do, like beat the shyt out of somebody who hits us first. But we don't ALWAYS automatically do it anymore like we did when we were children. Why? Most of the time it's due to maturity shown by taking responsibility for our actions. And OTHER times it's simply FEAR OF REPRISAL or respect for the unfavorable consequences that said behavior will produce.

In other words, we somehow will find a way to CONTROL our behavior and natural tendencies to slap they shyt out of the President, a police officer, or an argumentative woman because we KNOW it's not always the wisest choice.

It is the same as a woman PMSing. Sure their hormones probably do make her want to go crazy. But notice how on the one hand, she will shyt all over a guy she's involved with, but will hold her goddam tongue and check her behavior at the door when her ass is at work or pulled over by a highway patrolman.

A woman will only excessively and routinely test a guy when she has excessive and routine buyer's remorse over picking that guy in the first place.

Read the above statement again.

And IF a woman routinely has second thoughts about being with the guy she's chosen, well THAT guy has bigger problems on his hands than JUST the pressure of having to keep coming up with newer and more brilliantly psychologically tricky ways to pass them.

No. HIS ass SHOULD be more worried about why the bytch HE chose is always putting his ass "on trial".



March on.

 

[jophil28]

I agree with much of the post above.

However, it is one thing for a woman to "test" a guy in the early weeks of a relationship to see what he is made of . Fair enough . But the tests that I object to are the ongoing mindgames/ petty dramatics/deliberate provocations which are designed to get your attention or just get a reaction (any reaction will do). THis is Drama Queen stuff -it is childish and destructive and toxic and has NO place in adult relationships. Women who pull these shyte tests are richly deserving of the loneliness which is heading their way..

 

[joekerr31]

victory unlimited always has great posts.
yet another good one.

i liked the point about how men have had to learn to control their behavior. you hit a cop you're going to jail etc.

but women on the other hand, in my opinion, have gotten worse.

many of them cant control themselves - even at work or when pulled over by a cop!

and they pay the price. there are dozens of women that i know who are extremely smart and should be at the top of their professions. but instead, they are 2 rungs lower than they should be.

why?

because they can't control themselves to the extent required in the workplace. and because they have some AFC at home that lets them behave badly, they are unaware of the damage they are causing themselves at work.

in their mind they are behaving 100% better at work than at home, but guess what, ITS STILL BAD BEHAVIOR! not enough to get you fired, but enough to bring their professional development to a crawl.

and i wouldn't be surprised if A LOT of women, when pulled over by a cop, get mouthy in ways that if a man were to speak that way, he'd be pulled out of his car.

you ever watch cops? the women are often much more verbal and out of control than the men (mind you, we're looking at a selective sampling of course )

but VU's point about women behaving like children is correct, and those that do fail to succeed in life - whether at their jobs, relationships, etc.

they end up with a sh*tty job, a sh*tty home life, a sh*tty man, etc.

unless they get one of these AFCs who makes a lot of money and gives his life to supporting a spoiled brat who would otherwise be completely f*cked in life.

all of this comes back around to the point i always make.

BE THE PRIZE and be in control of your emotions at all times. its the key to success at work, with women, in the gym, etc.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Victory:
"Women, also like children, often require a man to BE A MAN---which means putting your foot down. Laying down the law. Letting her know what the rules are and exactly what the repercussions are if she breaks them."

Joekerr:
"be in control of your emotions at all times."


These objectives are often difficult to accomplish simultaneously. Putting one's foot down often occurs when one is very angry, and not in control of emotions. But the advice to remain 'calm, cool, and collected' is still the prime directive. I find it useful to delay discussion of a sh!t test until after I am no longer angry. If the sh!t test makes you emotional; then she wins. But if you do not show emotion, then she does not get any gratification.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Bible Belt,


I agree. Women love to get a rise out of you so they'll know what buttons to push for FUTURE reference.

And I believe that what you have suggested is the same disciplinary tactic that many parents use with their children. In fact, I have a friend who, when if he is either too angry or doesn't have the opportunity to correct his children ON THE SPOT, instead, DOES SO more extensively later.

He will make them wait, he will lecture them about what they did wrong, make them REPEAT what he just said, THEN he will finally punish them. He tells me that by the time he finally gets around to spanking or grounding them, they are ALMOST begging for him to do it.

Why? Because he has made the consequence of their actions SO unpleasant for them that the mere thought of having to go through the same punishment again is now a STRONG deterrent for them against future misbehavior.

Don't know how that EXACTLY ties in to what we're talking about here, but I think there's a theory in that little example I just gave that's SOUND though. LOL

So I say:

Yes. Never let'em see you sweat. And never punish in out of control emotional anger------but, DO PUNISH. lol


March on.

 

[joekerr31]

show me a successful man who lets his emotions control him and i'll give you a 100 bucks - actors and artists dont count hehe.

whether you look at the superbowl quarterback, bill gates, various presidents, ceo's, einstein, etc...

what men of exceptional accomplishments all share in common is that they are cool under pressure.

does this mean they don't get just as frustrated as the rest of us? of course they do. but in those moments they step back and calm down and assess the situation using LOGIC. or the redirect their frustration towards something productive! what they dont do is waste time on - they don't give in to it and endulge themselves in emotional tantrums.

the very definition of an AFC, i would argue, is a man who is controlled by his emotions, as opposed to a man who controls his emotions.

an AFC is actually nothing more than a female male.

anyone seen the new Rocky movie? Rocky's son is a big AFC and there is a good scene in there where Rocky gives him a good talking to about it - all AFCs should see that scene.

 

[blueguy]

I would like to chime in here again because although I do believe in what the prior posts said, I think you can carry the prize mentality too far. I've been tested many times on how loyal I will be. Loyalty is not the same as insecurity. If you carry the prize mentality too far, you carry the risk of making yourself unloyal to her, therefore making her becoming exclusive with another guy... You and her are BOTH the prize.

 

[Bonhomme]

You and her are BOTH the prize

On point, blueguy. And as such, you have self-respect and respect for her, and the whole thing becomes a non-issue. If it is an issue, something's not right with one or both of you.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

And I agree with you both, Blueguy and Bonhomme.

A guy who is The Prize can really only be satisfied with a woman who is prizeworthy as well. It's only when the line of respect between the two is crossed when "friendly fire" runs the risk of turning into a civil war.

So yeah, there's definitely something horribly wrong with a guy's relationship whenever his woman keeps putting him on trial, or checking his nuts repeatedly just to see if he's MAN ENOUGH for her.

I recognize that the health of any "good" relationship is dependent upon both parties honoring the line of respect between each other. But whenever one party crosses that line in any way that the other finds offensive, it is the duty of that agressed upon party to address it in SOME way----and to defend that line by any means necessary.

LOL.

Sorry guys, just watched one episode of LAW AND ORDER too many this weekend...lol



Peace...one day.